When Dairy Products Tragically Overestimate Their Offensive Power

Slowly, two members of LRF (La Révolution de Fromage) approach their feline target, hoping to take it by stealth and cunning. Sadly for them, the dairy-loving beast has already caught their scent. What happened next is too terrible to relate. Curse Kraft for making such ineffective cellophane armor!

Yesterday’s responses to the “Cats or Cheese” question were, of course, quite enjoyable to read. Thank you kindly for amusing me (and, clearly, yourselves) so well in my absence. The interview, incidentally, went quite well and those of you in the Cincinnati area can hear it Sunday morning on “Cincinnati Edition” on WVXU, after which the interview will be archived on the WVXU Web site, here. Don’t worry, I’ll point to it again once it’s up.

32 Comments on “When Dairy Products Tragically Overestimate Their Offensive Power”

  1. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me
    Chang, ude-nay

    Ha! Cheese never stands a chance in my house. For a variety of reasons.

    And the cat loves genoa salami. Giorgio Quattrouomo is his new name.

  2. Between the cheese and the bacon, you’re creating quite a breakfast on your cat…

    Maybe a little scrambled eggs & orange juice to finish it off nicely? (Ugh…sticky cat!)

  3. Damn it, John, between the bacon and the cheese (which I presume met a similar fate), you’re going to have to Roto-Rooter [Fluffy]’s arteries pretty soon.

  4. I’m glad to know you’re a man who is willing to put Kraft and cheese in the same sentence. If cheese is good, then cheese food must be even better. Velvetta all around–on me, and another round of Ale81 for the house.

  5. Yea, VXU!

    How was the Skyline? Amateurs should start with a 3-way. And if they told you a 4-way can come w/onions OR beans, they lie.

    That’s so funny you ended up in Dayton, Mr. West Coast!

  6. The Tale of Anne of Ohio

    And it came to pass that Arthur was victorious and the land knew peace for the first time in anyone’s memory. So Arthur sent messages to his petty lords throughout the land and bade them attend him in celebration.

    Two months later, as summer slowly receded, the harvest was bountiful, indeed and all of the nobility gathered, bringing great and fine tribute. All manner of treasure was presented; gemstones, weaponry, decorative gold and silver treasures. All of this was heaped on Arthur and he accepted this in all humility and bestowed his loyal friendship on all who passed before him.

    On the third day of feasting, an unfamiliar party approached the throne led by a comely maiden. As she bowed low to Arthur, he reached for her hand and drew her up from her kneeling position. “You are unfamiliar to me, lass”, Arthur said. “Pray, introduce yourself”.

    “I am Anne,” she answered. “My father rules over the lands in Southern Ohio. I come as his representative”.

    Arthur looked on her and, liking what he saw, said, “Be welcome here, Anne of Ohio. Your presence pleases us”.

    At this, one of her retainers came forward bearing a great tun on a wheeled cart. Anne stepped aside and said, “My father sends this treasure and offers fealty and eternal service”.

    As the top was pried from the tun, Arthur leaned over to view the contents and recoiled in horror. “What vile and noxious concoction is this that you present. Remove it at once”, he shouted.

    Stunned, Anne answered, “Why Sire, this is the greatest treasure our land has to offer. We call it Cincinnati chili, and it is celebrated and much loved by our people”.

    Arthur now knew that these people of Southern Ohio had been led astray by Demons and he sent forth his warband and smote them until he was assured that Cincinnati chili would no longer blight the land. And they all lived happily ever after.

    The End.

  7. Nathan,
    And we all know what became of Arthur and his court, decadence, decay, a doomed search for the unobtainable, and finally death and the hands of his child. Could be because he was unwilling to eat real foods.

  8. Say what you will about Velvetta, but nothing better to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Plus it comes in a box just like government cheese–the cheese of the people.

  9. Hooray! Common sense won out – a rare event in the US these days. Thank the Great Bird of the Universe, I was afraid I’d have to strap toasted Tillamook Extra Sharp Cheddar sandwiches to my feet to stay warm at night.

    Strangely enough though, this morning the cheese drawer was still (mostly) full, and both cats – including the hateful white one – were still in residence. Me thinks your powers of banishment haven’t yet reached to Alaska, oh Great Scalzi. Mayhaps they don’t work so well in the cold, or perhaps the Force is not quite as strong in you as we thought? Or did you have a change of heart and decide to keep both cats and cheese and banish the Republicans? (Begone, clueless neoconartists of destruction and deficit spending!)

  10. Jim Wright, I didn’t say we were going to rid of either cats or cheese. We were just speculating. Rumors of my secret god-like powers are maybe slightly exaggerated.

  11. Nick Stump: “Plus it comes in a box just like government cheese…”

    I don’t know about that, having avoided Valveeta like I avoid religon. To me, government cheese will always be that weird gluey “Spread” that comes in MRE’s (thoughtful covered in antibacterial power for flavor and sterility!) How about it, Gordon, Jalapeno Cheese spread still the most tradable MRE item in country?

  12. Mr. Wright, I believe your powers of observation are correct, for those of us slightly north of you still have cheese and cats as well.

    (Begone, clueless neoconartists of destruction and deficit spending!)

    Hmm, a military guy and a guy that (near as I can tell) lives in the Valley dinging the Rs. I’m impressed. Then again, I live in North Pole, I have no business twitting somone about where they live.

    Time to go pick cat hair off my clothes and see if I can find a cheese danish.

  13. Scalzi, right, right. Just like the President didn’t SAY we would actually find WMD’s, he was just speculating. Got it, doh, I should have seen that coming. I’m a fool, a fool. Duped again.

    You’re a bad man, Sir, scaring me like that. Now I gotta go have a cheese omlet and pet my cat.

  14. Tania, they got broadband in North Pole? Will wonders never cease. Before you know it, they’ll have cable in McGrath.

    Yep, I live in the Valley, north of Palmer. As to dinging the R’s. Well, these people are not MY R’s. Roger’s blog at the Ku Fu Monkey regarding Neocons vs old style Republicans sums up my feelings perfectly. Me, I changed my voter registration to “Undeclared” this year and the NEOCONs can kiss my ass.

  15. I’d agree with those who say never underestimate the influence of the Velveeta Underground. It may be true that only 200 people bought a box, but every one of them went out and made a sandwich.

  16. Jim-

    Yep, you called it on the Jalapeno Cheese spread (so much better than the regular variety). Although its value drops somewhat based on the general availability (more specifically, the lack thereof) of latrine facilities. (Oh, to return to a place where food does not regularly cause intestinal disorders!) In other news, a standard military-issue field dressing does perform serviceably in place of toilet paper when necessary.

  17. Gordon –

    “(Oh, to return to a place where food does not regularly cause intestinal disorders!)”

    Amen. That’s why I was always careful which MRE I ate during boat ops in the KAA. You don’t want to be in a RHIB when that shit hits bottom. Seriously.

    Stay safe, Brother.

  18. Carol Elaine – Spend my days being creative with acting stuff & cleaning up after animals for money. Spend my evenings cleaning cat puke for free. 'Tis a glamorous life.
    Carol Elaine

    RE: the Gordon/Jim Wright exchange – Note to self: NEVER read the internet while eating lunch…

    Safe days to you, Gordon.

    To quote a dear friend of mine, to whom I posed the “Cats or Cheese” dilemma, “Cats rule.”

    That is all.

  19. Wait a sec. Isn’t this a Douglas Adams gag?

    (by a tragic miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was swallowed by a small dog)

  20. So the real decision was between cats and pasteurized process cheese food? I was leaning towards cheese before, but now the choice is easy: cats, in a landslide.

  21. “Nathan’s”–isn’t that a hot dog stand?

    The saga is cool if a bit off–for example, my so-called-father is actually lord over lands in Northern Ohio, I’ve been an ex-pat for over a decade, you missed the fake plastic flowers in the window boxes (corner of Clifton & Ludlow, ca. 1975), and you might have dropped Nikki Giovanni’s name into the mix. Moreover, purists believe that Skyline, et al, should NOT be exported under any circumstances, except to other ex-pats who need it like a vampire needs his hunk o’ homeland. Maybe as far away as Indiana but NO MORE. You saw what happened when we let Marge Schott (bless her heart) out of the county.

  22. It seems both cruel and foolish to think that your owner enjoys having to do combat with prewrapped sliced cheese. As a pet you must surely be intelligent enough to know that it is an exercise in poor judgement to be annoying the owner that could lead to severe consequences. Consequences such as witholding affection, failed attempts at grooming, no double eye blink hugs, no gifts of small birds or rodents left on the front step, no figure eights around your legs, extended absences and a failure to return even with the most pathetic and pliant entreaties.

    Thunder, my owner, recommends a triple swirl of aerosol cheese placed directly on center in his dish for best tongue access, no cracker please. The creamy texture and mild cheddar tang are only to be experienced. Please remember to refrigerate the aerosol can so that it doesn’t spoil and to keep the water dish topped off to keep the pallet refreshed.

    Message approved by Thunder.

  23. It seems both cruel and foolish to think that your owner enjoys having to do combat with prewrapped sliced cheese. As a pet you must surely be intelligent enough to know that it is an exercise in poor judgement to be annoying the owner that could lead to severe consequences. Consequences such as witholding affection, failed attempts at grooming, no double eye blink hugs, no gifts of small birds or rodents left on the front step, no figure eights around your legs, extended absences and a failure to return even with the most pathetic and pliant entreaties.

    Thunder, my owner, recommends a triple swirl of aerosol cheese placed directly on center in his dish for best tongue access, no cracker please. The creamy texture and mild cheddar tang are only to be experienced. Please remember to refrigerate the aerosol can so that it doesn’t spoil and to keep the water dish topped off to keep the pallet refreshed.

    Message approved by Thunder.

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