All Right, People…

Where the hell did you hide my wallet? Well?

Where the hell did you hide my wallet?


By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

76 replies on “All Right, People…”

… well? Did it work or not? Did it magically appear before your eyes the moment you posted?

If not, maybe you should check the doggie in the window. It might’ve been visiting with ulterior motives after all.

Damn humans are always blaming me for stealing their wallets. LISTEN, PUNY MORTAL: I’VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN GO THROUGH YOUR GRUBBY CREDIT CARDS! Next one who blames me for stupid crap, his soul gets taken like that! SNAP!

Look, you guys need to spend more time worshipping me, and less time yakking on the internet.

Cthulhu / Cheney in 2008

I buried it on a deserted isle, and slew the men who rowed me ashore and laid their bodies on top. Then I made a map with suitably obscure markings, corked it in a bottle, and tossed the whole rigamarole into the sea where it was found by a shipwrecked mariner, and a seagull. The mariner ate the gull, by the way, so he’s the only one, other than me, who knows where your wallet is. I’m pretty certain said mariner can be found at latitude Fifty North, longitude Forty West, and if you ask him politely, perhaps he’ll hand over the bottle.

I have hidden
the wallet
that was in
the Scalzi-stead

and the credit cards
you were probably
to use

Forgive me
they were tempting
so shiny
and accepted everywhere I want to be

Someplace warm, sticky and sweet.

It is nowhere near me as I post, though.

I smell Ebay fun!

Your traitor wallet was extraordinarily renditioned to an undisclosed location in an undisclosed country, there to be “interrogated” until it tells everything it knows.

You might be next. It’s up to the decider to decide.

Was it one of those three panel folding wallets? Because if you folded it with the ID panel first it is probably in tesseract space right now.

It’s why I use a billfold.

Sorry, but at least you don’t have to worry about canceling your credit cards.

Cassie, pointing at Steve B,

What? I didn’t do anything. (trys to look innocent, realizes it’s too long gone)

Wallet? What wallet. (makes sure John’s not looking)

Drinks for everybody!

But on a serious note, I think it ran off with Toby’s wallet. After all, his was slim and young.

What to Know Before You Ask Me to Find Your (Unlocated) Wallet.

I’m often asked, by people I’ve never met, if I can locate their missing wallets. There are a number of reasons I decline this invitation.

My rate for finding wallets begins at $125/hr. Since you don’t have a wallet, the odds of me collecting my fee are slim.

This is the only excuse you need to hear.

Steve Buchheit:

Wait a sec. Just what do you need your wallet for at midnight, John? I mean, I know rural Ohio, where they roll up the sidewalks precisely at 6. Just what are you paying for at that hour?

Ahem. “Tickles.” John was paying for… “tickles.”

The blue construction workers misplaced it when they were working on 11:37. Ask the yellow guy, he might get it for you, but he probably won’t let you back into the time stream.

You didn’t lose the wallet. You just, um, haven’t found it yet.

Anybody who disagrees with this obviously just wants the wallet to be lost. Traitors!

*tries her untamed powers*

Upon your arrival home, you were ready to put it in your usual spot upon your dresser, when you got distracted by the thought of a snack. Opening the refridgerator, you set it down next to the bacon as you reached for the Dr. Pepper and the last of the canolis your wife bought at the quaint little Italian bakery that would receive more business if more people knew about it.

It’s in the fridge. Trust me.


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etc. Now you know!


I’m sticking with “tickles.”

Yeah, sorry I got nothing. Scalzi’s visa won’t buy you much these days.

Gazing deeply into my crystal ball, I confidently predict: If you clean your office, and organize the papers for a change, the wallet will magically appear. Plus, your wife can stop yelling at you about it…..

You know, I like CJ’s answer. Even if it doesn’t solve the problem of the lost wallet it solves the problem of the wife yelling at you. Well, about the desk clutter at least.

I warned you about my voices. I told you they were powerful. You didn’t believe me! You didn’t give me the book! They spoke to someone in Ohio, and now you must pay! Next time maybe you will believe me. Maybe.

Based on the way things go missing in my house, I’d say it’s on the edge of a bookshelf, lying coyly on top of a book TBR whose cover perfectly matches the color of the wallet. From what I know of your house, that should narrow the search down to about 2000 places, yes?

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