Categories Uncategorized All Right, People… Where the hell did you hide my wallet? Well? Post author By John Scalzi Post date January 25, 2007 76 Comments on All Right, People… Where the hell did you hide my wallet? Well? Share: By John Scalzi I enjoy pie. View Archive → ← Speeches, Regarding the Union, State of → Sam Sale Update 76 replies on “All Right, People…” Did the big friendly Akita tape it to the nice, fuzzy cat? You know, in that place… over there. Heh, find it yet? eBay. My pocket. I searched my house for you but I didn’t find it. Wait, you did say you lost it in Australia? I’ll bet you’ll find it in the last place you look. ;-) There is no wallet. Stephen Wright said he lost his socks, so he called information. The lady said “they’re behind the couch,” and they were. Did you try calling information? I don’t know anything about it. Wait, that was your wallet? I saw Cthulu with it. Honest. Man, if I’ve seen your wallet lately, we’ve got problems. On the other hand, the locals will probably sell it back to you for cheap. Have you checked Pluto? In a safe place. It’s keeping your missing socks company. … well? Did it work or not? Did it magically appear before your eyes the moment you posted? If not, maybe you should check the doggie in the window. It might’ve been visiting with ulterior motives after all. IM IN UR HOUSE HIDING UR WALLET Microwave. Damn humans are always blaming me for stealing their wallets. LISTEN, PUNY MORTAL: I’VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN GO THROUGH YOUR GRUBBY CREDIT CARDS! Next one who blames me for stupid crap, his soul gets taken like that! SNAP! Look, you guys need to spend more time worshipping me, and less time yakking on the internet. Cthulhu / Cheney in 2008 Muwahahaha! You will never find it, I have hidden it in the same place Saddam hid all those weapons of mass destruction. Sorry. It was dark and I was tired and hungry. I thought it was a sandwich! Not a very tasy one, mind you. I buried it on a deserted isle, and slew the men who rowed me ashore and laid their bodies on top. Then I made a map with suitably obscure markings, corked it in a bottle, and tossed the whole rigamarole into the sea where it was found by a shipwrecked mariner, and a seagull. The mariner ate the gull, by the way, so he’s the only one, other than me, who knows where your wallet is. I’m pretty certain said mariner can be found at latitude Fifty North, longitude Forty West, and if you ask him politely, perhaps he’ll hand over the bottle. I have hidden the wallet that was in the Scalzi-stead and the credit cards you were probably planning to use Forgive me they were tempting so shiny and accepted everywhere I want to be Nice one, Tania. :) New wallet – $10 Replacing lost cash – $100 Time lost replacing all the cards – priceless. I wasn’t there. You can’t prove it. Nobody saw me and the sheep are lying. Someplace warm, sticky and sweet. It is nowhere near me as I post, though. I smell Ebay fun! In your other jacket, or coat. (or in the trousers that have gone to be laundered). In POland is no wallet Before I start looking for it, I want proof you even possesed one in the first place. Try the refrigerator. Better check with the rouge dog who was hanging out the other day. It’s in the pocket of the sweat pants you wore when you drove out for a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts yesterday morning. Check the laundry basket. Your traitor wallet was extraordinarily renditioned to an undisclosed location in an undisclosed country, there to be “interrogated” until it tells everything it knows. You might be next. It’s up to the decider to decide. I know people hate it when I ask this, but did you try googling for it? Was it one of those three panel folding wallets? Because if you folded it with the ID panel first it is probably in tesseract space right now. It’s why I use a billfold. Sorry, but at least you don’t have to worry about canceling your credit cards. In the place near the thing where you went that time. Cassie, pointing at Steve B, What? I didn’t do anything. (trys to look innocent, realizes it’s too long gone) Wallet? What wallet. (makes sure John’s not looking) Drinks for everybody! But on a serious note, I think it ran off with Toby’s wallet. After all, his was slim and young. Wait a sec. Just what do you need your wallet for at midnight, John? I mean, I know rural Ohio, where they roll up the sidewalks precisely at 6. Just what are you paying for at that hour? I’m told one should try for about 4 hours a day to do a proper job of finding a wallet. The wallet is not hidden; the wallet is alternatively located. What to Know Before You Ask Me to Find Your (Unlocated) Wallet. I’m often asked, by people I’ve never met, if I can locate their missing wallets. There are a number of reasons I decline this invitation. My rate for finding wallets begins at $125/hr. Since you don’t have a wallet, the odds of me collecting my fee are slim. This is the only excuse you need to hear. Steve Buchheit: Wait a sec. Just what do you need your wallet for at midnight, John? I mean, I know rural Ohio, where they roll up the sidewalks precisely at 6. Just what are you paying for at that hour? Ahem. “Tickles.” John was paying for… “tickles.” The blue construction workers misplaced it when they were working on 11:37. Ask the yellow guy, he might get it for you, but he probably won’t let you back into the time stream. You must choose between cats, cheese, and wallets. There can only be one. You didn’t lose the wallet. You just, um, haven’t found it yet. Anybody who disagrees with this obviously just wants the wallet to be lost. Traitors! I’m jealous. Cthulu and the Elder Gods never leave me messages on my blog. (Goes back to sacrificing things). *tries her untamed powers* Upon your arrival home, you were ready to put it in your usual spot upon your dresser, when you got distracted by the thought of a snack. Opening the refridgerator, you set it down next to the bacon as you reached for the Dr. Pepper and the last of the canolis your wife bought at the quaint little Italian bakery that would receive more business if more people knew about it. It’s in the fridge. Trust me. :) tekst źródłowyNeptune Square Sun: Confusion and uncertainty about direction of your life. Circumstances force questioning of previous goals. … astrolog.offline.ee/astrolog/texts/transits.txt – 92k – Cached – Similar pages Aquarian Digest: December 2004If you’’re looking for a quick read of what your Neptune square Sun might mean, this book is not for you. If you want the best researched and inspirational … aquariandigest.blogspot.com/2004_12_01_aquariandigest_archive.html – 98k – Cached – Similar pages Psychological vs.Predictive AstrologyWhether he stays or leaves, a core theme in his life will be Neptune square Sun – potential illusion, confusion, and disillusionment; there may be hardship, … http://www.spiritual.com.au/articles/astrology/psychastrology_gperry.htm – 64k – Cached – Similar pages etc. Now you know! :) More troops. You just need more troops to help find the wallet. In the observatory, with Colonel Mustard, near the lead pipe. Flavorful Chang, “Tickles”? Okay, if that’s what you kids are calling it today. Or are you saying John was going for the lifesized Tickle Me Elmo? You are not missing a wallet. The wallet is missing you. Who looks for their wallet at midnight? Buccheit, I’m sticking with “tickles.” Chang, father of quick flavors, I was going for another furry joke. Yeah, sorry I got nothing. Scalzi’s visa won’t buy you much these days. Gazing deeply into my crystal ball, I confidently predict: If you clean your office, and organize the papers for a change, the wallet will magically appear. Plus, your wife can stop yelling at you about it….. You know, I like CJ’s answer. Even if it doesn’t solve the problem of the lost wallet it solves the problem of the wife yelling at you. Well, about the desk clutter at least. Sorry, I had a craving for post-hockey pizza and don’t get paid until Friday. I’ll pay you back, honest! I’m sorry. I have currently lost integration with your SmartWallet. Please re-integrate at your earliest convenience. CJ’s crystal ball is working a lot better than mine. All I get is “Answer cloudy, try again.” Your wallet resides in that strange dimension where all lost items go (described in a children’s book, illustrated by Dik Browne)…. How to find almost anything: 1. Give up looking for it. 2. It will be in the next place you look. 3. If this doesn’t work, try again. I warned you about my voices. I told you they were powerful. You didn’t believe me! You didn’t give me the book! They spoke to someone in Ohio, and now you must pay! Next time maybe you will believe me. Maybe. It’s not in my pants. In the Thing Your Aunt Gave You. The answer is in this month’s Wired. Oh, sorry — that’s where your keys are. The pirates have it. They are using it to foil your ninja plans. (On the bright side, no one has mentioned head licking) Based on the way things go missing in my house, I’d say it’s on the edge of a bookshelf, lying coyly on top of a book TBR whose cover perfectly matches the color of the wallet. From what I know of your house, that should narrow the search down to about 2000 places, yes? Of *course* you’re going to find it in the last place you look; who finds something and then keeps looking?! Did the bacon hide it behind the tape? I gave it to the guy in the kilt, of course. My grandmother had great advice for this kind of situation. Have you looked under the bath tub? *stares* Comments are closed.