Found My Wallet
Posted on January 25, 2007 Posted by John Scalzi 29 Comments
Now what I want to know is why you decided to put it behind a picture I have of Athena as an infant, i.e., some place where I wasn’t really ever going to look except when thinking “well, I know it can’t possibly be here, but I might as well check, because then I can say I looked everywhere.”
Honestly, I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking, sometimes.
Because it’s fun watching you go mad looking for it?
I had nothing to do with hiding your wallet. Really. I solemnly swear that I did not touch your wallet.
Now go look for your car keys.
Well, it was fun. It is now no fun, since you have found the missing wallet and are no longer doing the wacky trying to find it.
Trust me on this. The wallet was trying to escape all by itself. You haven’t been taking it out anywhere interesting for a while have you, hmmm? It just wanted some attention.
See? I was right all along.
This is what you get when you tape bacon to us, I mean to the cats.
*cough* I don’t think they are “cats.” When did Ghlaughee (sp?) get so big. And Lopsided can’t fit through the kitty door.
OMG, they’re in the house. Run, John, run! For the love of Zarquon! Run!
We’re sorry. Well, not really sorry, just aware of a feeling of minor regret. Or is that laughter? It’s so hard to tell, sometimes.
Since you now have your wallet and access to funds, I’d be happy to locate your wallet for you now.
I pro-rate my fee by the 1/4 hour.
“Buncha savages in this town!”
Look carefully. Are you sure that it’s your wallet? Could it be a clever counterfeit? Might there be fiendishly evil tracking technology built into it?
I suggest wrapping it in aluminum foil to protect it from the mind control rays.
And stop taping it to the cats. They might retaliate.
It’s not us, it’s basic quantum mechanics. Either all the particles in the wallet happened to move their on their own, or, my preferred theory, is that your conciousness exchanged places with a “you” in another universe that *would* think of putting your wallet there.
It’s a very useful theory, and covers lost items, forgotten family/school events (“No, honey, you told the me in *this* universe, I was elsewhere at the time”), although I haven’t pushed it to cover infidelity (Keira Knightley *IS* my wife in the other universe, I’m stuck here now and I’m trying to adapt it back to my base state!)
Well you see, the thing is, we aren’t thinking. We are actually a mindless slavering collective consciousness of fandom, that is somehow able to impose our will psychically upon your wallet. Actually you should be honored – not all authors have fanatical poltergeist.
Let’s put it this way: If you ever hear Athena’s voice coming from the TV static, tell her the exit is behind her baby picture…and not to go into the light.
Your bitter clones did it. It’s payback for not allowing them to sleep with your wife. They thought of trying something more elaborate and vicious, but they’re too damned slackery.
Sorry about it showing up behind the picture. My fault. I’m testing this Finite Improbability Engine Device and aimed it in the wrong direction. You originally placed the wallet two feet to the right.
I’m thinking your wife hid it there because she’s got a little something to tell you, and she wanted to get you in the right frame of mind.
Drat! He foiled our cunning plan to drive him insane by hiding personal items too quickly!!
Quickly, now!!! Hide his keys!!!!
Nah, if you really want to screw with his mind, wait til he’s doing that mime thing tonight and then hide his car.
Joefinkle: I subscribe to your basic premise, except that Keira Knightley is actually my wife in the “real” universe. Does this mean that we’re actually the same person?
You should see where I hid your keys.
You /don’t/ want to see what I did with your sunglasses.
clvrmnky, well that’s just silly. There ain’t no sunshine there, why would you have sunglasses… oh.
As the Equallizer used to say:
Why break their legs when you can mess with their minds??
Only one explanation. Ghosts. I think you might want to bring in GhostHunters/TAPS. I do not think they charge 125.00 an hour for services. But for you they might…:P
If we hid it behind the picture of the wallet it would have been too obvious.
It wouldn’t have been anywhere near this pile o’ destruction, would it?
You did read Blindsight, didn’t you?
Reminds me of this Stephen Wright joke:
“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, ‘Do I know you?'”
Or I should say, some of these comments remind me of that quote…