Found My Wallet

Now what I want to know is why you decided to put it behind a picture I have of Athena as an infant, i.e., some place where I wasn’t really ever going to look except when thinking “well, I know it can’t possibly be here, but I might as well check, because then I can say I looked everywhere.”

Honestly, I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking, sometimes.

29 Comments on “Found My Wallet”

  1. amandageddon – She is a slacker of the highest order, a geek of not so much, went back to school to become an even bigger geek and possibly get paid for it. She loves it when a plan comes together.
    Amanda

    Because it’s fun watching you go mad looking for it?

  2. I had nothing to do with hiding your wallet. Really. I solemnly swear that I did not touch your wallet.
    Now go look for your car keys.

  3. amandageddon – She is a slacker of the highest order, a geek of not so much, went back to school to become an even bigger geek and possibly get paid for it. She loves it when a plan comes together.
    Amanda

    Well, it was fun. It is now no fun, since you have found the missing wallet and are no longer doing the wacky trying to find it.

  4. Trust me on this. The wallet was trying to escape all by itself. You haven’t been taking it out anywhere interesting for a while have you, hmmm? It just wanted some attention.

  5. *cough* I don’t think they are “cats.” When did Ghlaughee (sp?) get so big. And Lopsided can’t fit through the kitty door.

    OMG, they’re in the house. Run, John, run! For the love of Zarquon! Run!

  6. We’re sorry. Well, not really sorry, just aware of a feeling of minor regret. Or is that laughter? It’s so hard to tell, sometimes.

  7. Since you now have your wallet and access to funds, I’d be happy to locate your wallet for you now.

    I pro-rate my fee by the 1/4 hour.

  8. Look carefully. Are you sure that it’s your wallet? Could it be a clever counterfeit? Might there be fiendishly evil tracking technology built into it?

    I suggest wrapping it in aluminum foil to protect it from the mind control rays.

    And stop taping it to the cats. They might retaliate.

  9. It’s not us, it’s basic quantum mechanics. Either all the particles in the wallet happened to move their on their own, or, my preferred theory, is that your conciousness exchanged places with a “you” in another universe that *would* think of putting your wallet there.

    It’s a very useful theory, and covers lost items, forgotten family/school events (“No, honey, you told the me in *this* universe, I was elsewhere at the time”), although I haven’t pushed it to cover infidelity (Keira Knightley *IS* my wife in the other universe, I’m stuck here now and I’m trying to adapt it back to my base state!)

  10. Well you see, the thing is, we aren’t thinking. We are actually a mindless slavering collective consciousness of fandom, that is somehow able to impose our will psychically upon your wallet. Actually you should be honored – not all authors have fanatical poltergeist.

  11. Let’s put it this way: If you ever hear Athena’s voice coming from the TV static, tell her the exit is behind her baby picture…and not to go into the light.

  12. Carol Elaine – Spend my days being creative with acting stuff & cleaning up after animals for money. Spend my evenings cleaning cat puke for free. 'Tis a glamorous life.
    Carol Elaine

    Your bitter clones did it. It’s payback for not allowing them to sleep with your wife. They thought of trying something more elaborate and vicious, but they’re too damned slackery.

  13. Sorry about it showing up behind the picture. My fault. I’m testing this Finite Improbability Engine Device and aimed it in the wrong direction. You originally placed the wallet two feet to the right.

  14. I’m thinking your wife hid it there because she’s got a little something to tell you, and she wanted to get you in the right frame of mind.

  15. Nah, if you really want to screw with his mind, wait til he’s doing that mime thing tonight and then hide his car.

  16. Joefinkle: I subscribe to your basic premise, except that Keira Knightley is actually my wife in the “real” universe. Does this mean that we’re actually the same person?

  17. Only one explanation. Ghosts. I think you might want to bring in GhostHunters/TAPS. I do not think they charge 125.00 an hour for services. But for you they might…:P

  18. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me
    Chang, father of pangolins

    If we hid it behind the picture of the wallet it would have been too obvious.

  19. Reminds me of this Stephen Wright joke:

    “Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, ‘Do I know you?'”

Exit mobile version
%%footer%%