Notes From the Airport

Hey! Dayton’s airport has free wifi. Nifty.

As I was buying myself a Coke at one of the airport stores, the register lady looked at me and said “Has anyone ever told you you look just like… Paul Shaffer?”

“Really, no,” I said.

“Well, you do,” she said. “The spitting image.”

Great. Of all the celebrities in the world to look like, I look like Artie Fufkin. Excuse me as I go walk into a propeller blade now.

34 Comments on “Notes From the Airport”

  1. if you do John the terrorists win!

    just report that counter person to the TSA, and things will sort themselves out right quick.

    illucidly yours,


  2. Sorry John, but after seeing your picture on Wikipedia I totally get the Paul Shaffer comparison!

  3. Careful with free wifi in airports. Make sure it’s for real. There’s been an outbreak of malware that causes laptops to masquerade as wifi access points with names like “free wifi” or “public hotspot”. You connect to it and the infected laptop tries to hack you. For more information, do a google search on “free wifi fraud”.

  4. Ah, Dayton. The carpet there always cracks me up. I’m walking on Wright Fliers!

  5. Lady at register: Has anyone ever told you you look just like… Paul Shaffer?

    Scalzi: Really, no.

    Lady: Well, you do. The spitting image.

    Scalzi: You know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me?

    Lady: Sure. Anything.

    Scalzi: Do me a favor. Just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that’s all. Kick my ass. Enjoy. Come on. I’m not asking, I’m telling with this. Kick my ass.

    Lady: Security!

  6. Propeller blade, John? I mean, it is Dayton after all but even they should be in the jet age by now unless a group of hardcore union toughs from Orville and Wibur’s day are are keeping their stranglehold on Ohio’s runways.

  7. Don’t do it John! Just think of what it will do to poor Beauteous Ghlaghghee!

    Then again, if the propeller hits just right, you could be called Lopsided Man…

    The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club

  8. Um, I’ve always kinda liked Paul Shaffer. He’s cool. He’s Canadian. He’s got a sense of humor.

    But seriously, I don’t see the resemblance other than the lack of follicles. Heck, in some of your pictures you resemble this guy much more than Paul.

  9. Hey, Paul’s a cool dude. The two times we met him, he was very personable and agreeable (Dave, on the other hand, was rather stand-offish). And let’s face it, he’s a very talented guy who’s built himself an impressive career. There are worse people to look like.

  10. Ran your book jacket photo through MyHeritage face recognition site and some of your best celebrity matches are:

    Pierce Brosnan – 66% (I’d keep that result, if I were you)

    Frank Rijkaard – 66% (wtf?)

    Leo Tolstoy – 64% (okay…but creepy)

    Sergei Rachmaninoff – 63% (actually, when you look at the pics next to each other, I can see the resemblance)

    Artur Rubenstein – 63% (eh)

    Apparently my best match is Gillian Anderson, which I’ll take over Frank Rijkaard any day. LOL!

  11. “Great. Of all the celebrities in the world to look like, I look like Artie Fufkin. Excuse me as I go walk into a propeller blade now.”

    Didja hear about the female author who walked out to the plane to start her book tour and when a photog asked her to pose she lost situational awareness and backed into a propeller?


    (Rimshot please!)

  12. Most people judge celebrity resemblances entirely by some combination of hair and skin color. I have been told on multiple occasions that I look like Chris Elliott; as far as I can tell, this is because we are both bald white guys with blondish hair and beards. Before I went bald and grew a beard, I got compared to Larry Bird, Gary Busey, and, on multiple occasions, the young Ricky Schroeder. None of these people look anything like each other.

  13. Look at it on the bright side – at least people don’t think you look like that horror fiction writer, what’s his name? Oh yeah, Steven King. I get that all the time. Why do people feel the need to compare random strangers that they meet in the airport to celebrities? Can’t I just look like myself?

    I feel your pain, man. Really.

    P.S. You don’t look *anything* like Bruce Willis. Feel better now?

  14. John, I feel your pain. Being a rotund man with long hair, I usually get the “Hey man–you look just like Meatloaf dude.” When I wear a baseball cap and up to my winter weight, I’m Michael Moore. Let’s push those who make these comments into the spinning propeller. I despise both comparisons. I look in the mirror and see a strong man with a steely-eyed gaze and the limp is not because of my weight crushing my knees. It an old war wound. I fell coming out of the VFW club in Udorn and nearly nearly dropped the whiskey, but I don’t like to talk about it. ;)

    And you don’t look like Paul S. You look like a tough guy who knows how to take care of himself and don’t let any jackass tell you different.

  15. AT WORST, I would have given you phil collins, otherwise, as a semi-suck-up, I’m thinking of that brittish actor who is short and bald (no offense, you are short and bald, it’s just how it is) who plays a mean man. Not hoskins, he’s too old, but there is a new actor who has filled his place and I can’t think of his name now.

    I think he was in “lock stock and two smoking barrels”

    As for ME! I have gotten (at worst) jeff goldbloom, and at best, (no kidding, I’ve really gotten this) “pierce brosnan” In fact, when I was working on an assembly line the daytime people who didn’t know me, but knew I could fix stuff called me “bond”

    Yeah you are successfull with a great family, a cool wife a funy kid and a great career, but, well,

    all I got is being called bond.

    thats all I got.

    Man I wish I were short and bald.

  16. Ted,

    If the boss looked anything like bruce willis my mother would maul him, and get her ass kicked by the good madame scalzi.

    THANK you for not looking like Bruce willis. And Really, if anyone here looks like “mike roe” (the actor who does voiceovers for “deadliest catch” and “the most” on the history channel as well as being the host of “Diry Jobs”) don’t visit any indiana suburb of chicago, my mother might not be able to handle it, and her boyfriend will eat your throat. My mom LOVES mike roe.

    Boss? at least you didn’t get “jim norton” or “ephialtes” until I just mentioned them, and I appologize for that.

  17. Dude, Dayton’s got free WiFi? That’s new. I fly in and out of there all the time during the school year, so I suspect I’ll be taking advantage in the not-too-distant future.

    With regards to the picture: I don’t really see the resemblance. And one of my aunts walked into a propeller blade. I don’t recommend it.

  18. On a positive note, you’re both taller and ten years younger than Paul Shaffer.

    Over a decade ago an airport counter person told me I look like Burl Ives. Somewhat taken aback.

  19. John, If I’m not mistaken, Dayton’s free wi-fi actually leaks from the Business Traveler Center. Guess the secret’s out.

    Annalee, To find it, try the hallway between said Business Center and the coffee shop. See the table with a furtive-looking surfer? Bingo.

    And yes Alex, that carpet creases me up as well :)

  20. I said earlier:

    On a positive note, you’re both taller and ten years younger than Paul Shaffer

    Make that “twenty years younger”; he was born in 1949. I’m having difficulties with dates and arithmetic in my last two postings for some reason.

  21. Paul Shaffer? That would be a no. Nothing against Paul, but so not the case.

    I’ve been phyiscally compared to an interesting assortment of folks: Barbara Hershey, Sally Field, Marina Sirtis, Barbara Feldon, Carrie Fisher. Apparently all dark haired women look alike (though since I’ve gained [more than] a few pounds the comparisons have slowed down, which I’m sure is the only reason I haven’t been compared to Catherine Zeta-Jones – oh hush).

    The oddest to me was Karen Black, despite the fact that both of my eyes tend to point in the same direction at the same time. Several times I’ve gotten Janeane Garafolo, but that’s only because of the dark hair, glasses and (so I’ve been told) dry wit. I think she’s very pretty and all, but we ain’t twins.

  22. When my hair is shoulder-length and its natural red colour, people would say I looked like Allyson Hannigan, which is not true but something about shoulder-length red hair turns you into her. And people would ask me to say, “This one time at Band Camp…..”

  23. Pixelfish, I play the flute. That bandcamp thing? You’d swear to dog people think they’re the only ones who’ve ever seen that movie. I like my bro Walker’s answer. Anytime someone starts that ‘joke,’ he cuts in with “I stuck a tuba up my…”

    Rayyy, thanks for the wifi tip. And the Dayton airport carpets are… odd. With their little plane motif. Also, is it just me or is Dayton Airport always playing Sheryl Crow’s “Good is Good?” I can’t remember a time I’ve been through there that I haven’t heard it at least once (it’s the one about hearing rolling thunder and running before the lightning strikes, or something like that).

  24. Heh. I got called “Taylor Hicks” quite often for a few months back last year. Cadged quite a few free drinks from the resemblance, too, so I’m not complaining.

  25. I used to get told that I look like Groucho Marx, Jim Croce, and/or Frank Zappa. It must have been the “too much mustache and eyebrows” thing. Now that they’re all dead, I’m only mistaken for a neighbor who lives at the other end of my block. Oddly enough, the neighbor and I could have been separated at birth.

  26. Were you wearing sunglasses? I’m guessing just about any bald man with sunglasses would look like Paul Schaffer, especially when he’s behind a counter & you’re only looking at him from the chest up…

    And as long as we’re sharing, I posted a picture of me & my wife and the top 10 celebrities that Heritage said we looked like, and it’s become far & away the most popular post on my blog (very, very Google friendly). I have no idea why…

    Oh, and by the way, if you’re upset about the Paul Schaffer reference, I have two words for you: Benito Mussolini. And here’s the ironic part: I think he looks more like you than he looks like me…