A Slightly Stale Halloween Treat
As proof that the Internet never forgets, someone posted onto USENET a Halloween poem I wrote a decade ago and subsequently completely forgot about, possibly because it wasn’t especially good; the meter was all wonky, for one thing, and content-wise it more or less reads like I drank too much cough syrup, hallucinated and declared I was Edward Gorey. But what the hell. I’ve fixed the meter (somewhat) and have posted it behind the cut. Just don’t be expecting genius.
The Killer’s Lament
Here I sit, upon death row
Electrodes fastened to my toes.
And though I know that I must die
I think I should apologize
To those I know that I have wronged,
Beaten, strangled, stuck with prongs
It was not what I really meant;
All those deaths were accidents.
I did not mean to murder Sam
Though I beat him with a ham.
He said the meat was much too dry
I used his head to tenderize.
Nor did I mean to dispatch Sue
By filling both her lungs with glue.
In the end there were better
Ways for us to stick together.
I have to say I quite regret
Defenestrating my pal Chet.
But really, how was I to know
That window wouldn’t just stay closed?
Becky’s death — a random fluke;
My prints were planted on that flute.
And though they searched both high and low
They never found that piccolo.
I spare a moment for good ol’ Jake
Deposited into the lake.
I always thought that he could swim;
Restraints are what did him in.
And oh, how I do miss Peter
Though I stuffed him in a water heater.
He might not have gone into this verse
If I hadn’t put him in head first.
Bonnie, my bonnie, my, what a lass!
Taken down by methane gas.
If I knew then what I know now:
Just don’t mess with farting cows.
And I’ll admit, this point is moot
Albert I did electrocute.
Children, never take this risk:
Water and toasters just don’t mix.
Wendy was an awful neighbor
But I’m sorry about the elevator.
I did not know she was in the thing
When I snipped the cable like a string.
I’d like to remember my good friend Drew
Served up in a barbecue.
It was his idea, because you see
He always liked to say “Eat Me.”
I think I was misunderstood
When I tied up Katie in those woods
She always said she liked the bears
So I put honey in her hair.
Alan claimed he was a jock
So I crushed him with a rock.
His boast that he was made of steel
Turned out as something less than real.
No one was more surprised than Joan
When ferrets stripped her to the bone.
Upon reflection, it was foolhardy
To place bacon up and down her body.
Mike had on an amazing grin
When doused in liquid nitrogen.
It was not just for the hell of it;
He wanted to be in his element.
Bob declared I was a buffoon;
I set him aloft in a weather balloon.
But no one could have felt more grief
When it popped at 45,000 feet.
Jeremy was timid, Jeremy was shy
I placed him in an oven and set it on fry.
I should have known better, this was not
The way to help women think he was hot.
So you see, every death was accidental
I would not blame you if you thought I was mental.
But I would say that it is as such:
My problem is I cared too damn much.
Now here I go, to meet my God
And all the friends I put in the sod.
I have just one wish, if you wish to hear:
It’s to help them up there as I helped them down here.