By the Power Vested in Me By, Er, Me…
Posted on December 11, 2007 Posted by John Scalzi 66 Comments
… I declare today “National Get Your Wife Flowers For No Reason Day.”
Why? Well, clearly, no reason. That’s right there on the label, people. Pay attention.
If you have not a wife, consider getting your spouse/significant other/longtime object of non-stalkerish affections flowers.
And yes, I participated. Can’t declare it without doing it, now, can I.
I see that Scalzi fancies himself a god now (or least a very charismatic cult leader). Oh, this getting flowers thing seems harmless enough but that’s just where it starts. I warn you now that we’re all going to end up in something like Project Mayhem out of Fight Club.
Vincent, I thought I told you not to talk about that.
Uh, sure, no reason, eh?
What did you buy?
And sure, declare it on a day I’m short of cash, and probably time to pick them up (second Tuesday of the Month, meetin’ night). Sure, no for no good reason I’m back in the dog house.
Wow. I’d take flowers even if they were slightly stalkerish! Nothing to brighten up like a boring, depressing, broke December day like Stalker Flowers!
John, you *could* declare it without doing it. It’d be hypocritical, foolish, and frankly – if your wife found out – moderately dangerous, but there are no technical obstacles in the way as far as I can see.
As for cults, well, since my parents live in the town L Ron Hubbard was born in, I’d rather not see any more cults started by science fiction authors. If it’s all the same to you.
Hmm, tricky.
On the one hand, I like the idea of getting my wife flowers for no reason.
On the other, if I do it because Scalzigod says so, that’s a reason (maybe not a good reason, but that wasn’t specified).
Clearly, I must think about this until smoke pours from my ears and I explode. Or just get flowers tomorrow for no reason.
A nice idea in theory, except when the conversation goes:
“I’ve bought you some flowers, love.”
“Why? What have you done?”
“Nothing. They’re just to say ‘I love you.'”
“Seriously, what have you done?”
“Nothing – they’re a token, that’s all.”
“You’re scaring me, now.”
“Oh, I give up.”
Well, see, if I get my wife flowers now, it’s because Scalzi said so, and then I’m not doing it for no reason anymore. So now I can’t participate, because Scalzi said to participate.
Interesting Catch-22 you’ve created there, sir.
K
No, you all have it wrong.
I said consider getting flowers.
I didn’t say get them.
Because would mean you now had a reason to get them.
Which would defeat the whole purpose.
And anyway, when the hell did you all start doing what I told you?
I am *in*.
This is wierd.
I swear I was just thinking about getting my wife some flowers as I was driving to work today. She’s been in the december doldrums and I thought this might perk her up. Of course, I had an ulterior motive as well, which I will not share on another man’s blog, so it’s not *entirely* for no reason, but still…
Plus, you’re a Brust fan? Out of my head Scalzi! Out!
Nice try, Scalzi, but in your very first sentence you said “I declare today “National GET Your Wife Flowers For No Reason Day.” (emphasis added).
The ‘consider’ part only applies for those without wives. But I applaud your skills at historical revisionism and the courage to contradict yourself in the very same post. Beat that, Mitt Romney!
> I warn you now that we’re all going to end up in
> something like Project Mayhem out of Fight Club.
Cool! Can I pee in the soup?
As a member of the potential recipient group (wife), would it be too crass to send my hub a link to your post?
Because, then, again, we’re stuck. He’d have a reason, it wouldn’t be ‘Scalzi’s No-Reason Flowers Day’ anymore.
Hmmm… Flowers for Scalzi. I can see a parody short story there…
“i wull tri hard to get flours 4 mi wif butt it is still hard to c wi scalzi is the nu hinlin…”
Thank you for the reminder!
Check?
I’m with Amanda. I love flowers, from stalkers, weirdos, psychos, whoever. Although I’d certainly prefer they were from my husband.
DAMN SPAM FILTER…. I had funny comments, but no… trapped by damn spam filter and my other computer is off the internet at the moment…
NO FUNNY RESPONSE FROM ME.
But John, now you *haven’t* gotten your wife flowers for no reason. You’ve gotten her flowers because it’s National Get Your Wife Flowers For No Reason Day–which, by definition, is a reason. You could only get your wife flowers for no reason if it were NOT National Get Your Wife Flowers For No Reason Day (and, of course, if you had no other reason to get flowers).
It’s sort of like putting up a parking sign that says “Unauthorized Parking Only”.
Nicole:
No, I declared it after I got her the flowers.
Well, obviously Scalzi got his wife the flowers before he used his godly powers to declare it National Get Your Wife Flowers for No Reason Day thereby making it impossible for anyone besides him to get his wife flowers for no reason today.
What a diabolical plot! But there is one loophole here he has not foreseen. Nothing stops anyone here from getting SOMEONE ELSE’S WIFE flowers for no reason today. Uh, besides self-preservation I guess.
This post is purely a test. I posted to the Huffing thread earlier but it failed to register. I resubmitted and it was picked up as a dupe, but neither have gone through.
But I’m broke! So I sent him virtual flowers instead. After all, men don’t like to get real flowers, right? It’s unmanly and shit? *crickets*
What a diabolical plot! But there is one loophole here he has not foreseen. Nothing stops anyone here from getting SOMEONE ELSE’S WIFE flowers for no reason today. Uh, besides self-preservation I guess.
And the fact that I’d be doing it because you just suggested it, Vincent. ;)
*sigh* I’m confused. Why are we all getting Krissy flowers for no reason again?
Mike, I despammed you.
Elizabeth Donald, hell no. My wife sent me flowers when I started my new job (and sometimes on Valentines Day). I love them.
I’d be happier with a do the dishes without being asked day.
As a florist never get me flowers.
Oh, to be in Seattle, with their abundance of flowers. Instead I am stuck in cold muddy Pennsylvania with my rain.
@Jeremiah G: Better rain & mud in Pennsylvania, than snow/ice/slush in Iowa. Even if I didn’t suspect the universe might implode if I used the reason of “National Get Your Wife Flowers For No Reason Day” to buy flowers for my wife; I simply cannot get to anyplace selling flowers today. Everything is coated in ice here with the added bonus of power lines and trees having come down (including one of our trees *grrr*).
Will you lot stop arguing and just do as you’re told!
Fie on your artificial “flowers for no reason, but maybe because I told you to” day. I got flowers for my girlfriend last week.
And none of your namby-pamby “no reason” stuff.
When she asked me “What are these for?” I said, “Cause I just love that smile you make when I do something unexpected.”
Totally selfish. That’s me.
Neener neener neener.
I’m in favor of this! But I forwarded it to various (married) guy friends, and one of them has this response:
I declare tomorrow “National Get Your Husband a 62” Flat Panel For No Reason Day”…
@Jeremiah G – why would you think Seattle has a abundance of flowers? Even Pike Place Market has shifted over to selling the dried ones now. It’s 38 degrees, with a slight wind, and drizzly. Not exactly dahlia weather.
My favorite flowers in winter, in case the universe is listening, are *daisies*. Giant, shasta daisies. They remind me of summer and sunshine.
Alright, I added that to my Google calendar to repeat yearly. If you don’t continue this next year I’m reporting you as delinquent to Krissy.
I wish I would’ve seen this before I got home but fortunately for me I have to go over to my brother’s to fix his computer tonight so I can get flowers then.
My wife would really wonder what’s going on if we weren’t newlyweds since I bought her lunch today as well. But since we’ve only been married for two weeks I’m still more or less immune from suspicions.
Hmm. You chose an interesting day for this, Scalzi. It’s my wedding anniversary. Fourteen years. I don’t think I can convince my wife that the flowers are for no reason…but I will try.
LOLOL! I’ve been lurking, off and on, for a little bit – came over from the Instapundit – and I must say that I’ve been enjoying an “inside look” at an author’s brain.
Mr. Scalzi, I am ashamed to say that I’ve had OMW on my bookshelf since a couple of weeks after the Puppy Blender plugged it, and have not yet read it. However, after going through your post about Heinlein (and all the comments), I **promise** I’ll crack it open tonight.
Really! ;-)
Anyway, I’m so glad to see a “famous” person happily married, and your Lady Wife must truly be a fantastic woman to inspire such lovely gestures from an obviously adoring husband… Cherish that: there aren’t too many lovebird married couples left these days, it seems. *sigh*
I pray that the two of you have many more years of love and laughter and “Just Because” days together!
OK, and now I’m going to read OMW….. PROMISE!
… Except that I need to add that I’ve been giggling and snickering all day at the humor and wit you and your readers post over here…
OK, **now** I’m going to read… But if OMW is so good that it keeps me up all night reading, I’ll just send my hubby over here for you to explain why I’m all cranky from lack of sleep (hey, I ain’t 25, I can’t pull all-nighters anymore!)… ;-)
Okay, you’re having to do SOMEthing to get back in Krissy’s good graces. What did you do?
Nothing. Just felt like giving my wife flowers.
During the 20 years I was married, I did bring home flowers once in a while for no reason. Not often enough so that the “specialness” wore off, and never on a day when they might be expected. They were always enthusiastically appreciated, and I was never accused of having an alterior motive. (And no, I never had one.)
I recommend this as a little way to show appreciation to wives, who usually work quite hard at home, even when sometimes it seems like they don’t.
The very best reason to bring your lovely and talented wife flowers and candy for no apparent reason is that she will tell all her friends and all your golf buddies and neighborhood pals will get their tightie-whities in a twist because they will get the classic slam-face from their wives and the even more classic “No, there’s nothing wrong” when they ask why and yoiiu will have RF’d all your friends with one simple ploy.
Oh, and you might get lucky too, I suppose!
Scalzi @41 Nothing. Just felt like giving my wife flowers.
No, seriously. What did you do?
Yay, I have flowers now!
Thanks.
I got irises. They were appreciated.
What’s funny is the fact that some wives would feel like their husband must have done something wrong and had to order flowers. Why are some of you guys worried about this? Do you guys really think that we are that shallow? We don’t think you are self serving at all! ;-) Trust me. *cough* *wink*
However, in this instance, I have a feeling that Krissy was very happy her husband lifted his head off of his computer screen to surprise her with flowers. Yes, I know it is rare, but sometimes there are husbands that actually are not sending flowers to cover up that big screen t.v. purchase but rather trying to say “Thank you for putting up with me” type flowers. Those are the flowers that wives want and believe me, WE know the difference!
Very good John. Keep up the good work. :-)
Woah…this is weird. I got flowers today! But unfortunately not for no reason. Hubby has been gone for two weeks getting training before he deploys to Afghanistan. :-(
By the way, it’s great learning about lots of new authors (to me) this month. It gives me ideas for care packages for next year!
artificial flowers for no reason (from 33 Nathan)…
You should have left off the quotation marks. Makes more sense in the my part of the world (above the 40th parallel). Fresh flowers, well, not a lot of greenhouses, so you do what you can unless you have a couple hundred in disposable loonies. But I am thankful that my wife doesn’t like dead flowers; she’d much rather have something in the ground that will bloom (periodically, anyway) in the spring, smell good, attract bees (and wasps), (dang it anyway), and make the neighbors (nearest one = 3.5 kilometers) envious.
In closing, my daughter is reading Reaper Man by Pratchett, the Subtle Knife by Pullman, and the Android’s Dream, by what’s-his-name blogging arse-candle (a reference to LaPetomaine, maybe).
Enjoy the heck out of this site, and enjoy the periodic updates to the layout. Way to be bold, Mr. Scalzi.
Oh, my daughter just turned 10 years old. She wanted another book by you. She’s read the rest. Finish. Soon. Publish. Soon. Sell. Soon.
kthxbai
Thanks John-they were lovely!
I would love to participate (by which I mean make my boyfriend participate), but unfortunately I *do* have a reason–this holiday coincides with my birthday. Bah.
Flowers…meh. Not so much with the flower-getting thing for me. They always struck me as expensive compost. Told hubby long ago that only nice restaurant food, dark chocolates or quality booze were suitable wifely gifts for spontaneous displays of affection. He took my advice to heart, luckily.
He also listened when I told him I didn’t have the slightest interest in jewelry, even when his so-called friends were trying their damndest to convince him that such exhortations on my part were “a test” and that he had better go out and buy me some perfunctory gilded offering for Valentines Day or I would bare-handedly yank out his vas deferens and strangle him with them in the middle of the night.
Thank God I have a man who actually listens instead of trying to figure out “what I really want.”
And about that test thing…WTF!?!?!?! Seriously, his friends hounded him like commission-only sales clerks for a week on this, trying desperately to save him from making what they genuinely foresaw as some horrific, relationship-ending mistake.
Do people actually test their loved ones by telling them not to get them things they actually want, and seeing if somehow their dearest has evolved psychic powers since the last time they tried this? Who are these people and why are they allowed to breed indiscriminately?
I’m guessing that this related to the, “Oh…nothing *sigh*” phenomenon. That’s another bit of human nastiness that is verboten in my house – the rule is, if it isn’t important enough for you to bring it up, it’s obviously not important enough for me to go digging for it.
You should have seen the backlash when he told his hanging out buddies that he and I had agreed to quit taking part in recreational spouse-bashing. You’d have thought he’d admitted to pederasty or something, the way they turned on him. I shit you not.
Sometimes, you humans bemuse me.
A conspiracy to sell the sexual organs of plants, according to that guy you are alleged to write like.
Soni said,
You should have seen the backlash when he told his hanging out buddies that he and I had agreed to quit taking part in recreational spouse-bashing.
I don’t know what this means…
K
I’m holding out for “run-over-your-X-with-a-truck-for-no-reason day”
I don’t have any exes, so someone else will have to declare that one.
damn… I wanted to be able to say “Scalzi told me to do it”
“Do people actually test their loved ones by telling them not to get them things they actually want, and seeing if somehow their dearest has evolved psychic powers since the last time they tried this? Who are these people and why are they allowed to breed indiscriminately?
I’m guessing that this related to the, “Oh…nothing *sigh*” phenomenon. ”
I’ve heard that women such as you exist. Never seen one. Your hubs is a lucky man, though I don’t know if you’d think so.
KevinQ:
I’ll stick my nose in and guess that Soni is talking about demurring when conversation among respective groups of friends turns to “Our husbands are such thoughtless slobs,” or “Why are all these chicks such basket cases” and so forth. Among many of the guys I knew in school, this behavior was likely to elicit cat noises and proclamation of adjectives such as “whipped.”
Alright, I added that to my Google calendar to repeat yearly. If you don’t continue this next year I’m reporting you as delinquent to Krissy.
But it’s a random holiday. Which means it could crop up again next week, next month, or in the middle of the summer.
Geeky Girl:
What’s funny is the fact that some wives would feel like their husband must have done something wrong and had to order flowers.
Well that’s because some men like my husband just never think to do things like this.
Which is why I buy myself flowers. Because I get enjoyment without wasting time dropping hints to the man who is incapable of picking them up. (I mean that in the best possible way. I adore my husband, but he isn’t so good with gifts and or spontaneous, so I just buy myself things I want, and it works out well for everyone.)
As to why flowers–because aside from pointsettas and Christmas cacti, neither of which have floral scents–my garden and plants are done until the crocuses and snowdrops come up in spring.
Figured out a long time ago (I think in Highschool) that women like flowers. I have developed a few rules about the buying of flowers for women.
1) Never buy roses.
This is just way to cliche’d. This despite the fact that roses are my favourite flower. In my last house I had a 17′ x 35′ backyard and I managed to plant about 30 rose bushes; obviously most were mini’s.
2) Never try and arrange the flowers yourself.
Florists are the pro’s at this. Having dated a florist’s daughter, I learned that flower arranging was the part of the job they liked the best. I am also no good at all at flower arranging. It all adds up to leaving it to the florists to do the arranging.
3) You don’t have to spend too much money.
I pretty much tell my florist, I want a $10, $15.00 or $20.00 bouquet and I get a nice one. Flowers are really one of those things where it is the thought that counts.
4) Don’t make flower buying a regular habit.
It keeps it special when you do buy it. With my last girlfriend, I would keep an eye out on when the bouquet started to bad. Sometimes it happened after two weeks, sometimes after three. I then thought about buying flowers. I figured if it became a routine that every saturday I bought my girlfriend flowers, they would stop becoming special.
5) Don’t buy yellow flowers.
No particular reason for this. I just don’t like yellow flowers.
cheers
Andrew
I just wish my husband read your blog.
Unfortunately, my wife reads this blog so it wouldn’t be spur of the moment. However, with the great power of 1+random(5); she will get flowers soon. I do the same with valentines day, I pick a day in the general area and tell her that the calendars got it wrong this year.
Figured out a long time ago (I think in Highschool) that women like flowers. I have developed a few rules about the buying of flowers for women.
1) Never buy roses.
I wouldn’t make that a hard and fast rule. I love the smell of roses, so when I’m getting myself flowers, I usually add some roses–as long as they’re the ones that smell good, not the ones for show (If I want roses for show I’ll buy dried roses).
I haven’t been able to grow roses very well–just the smaller, tougher species, that 1) don’t smell quite as good, and 2) drop their petals in a day or so.
Now I want to go buy myself some flowers, since the current bunch are really starting to wilt.
Funny..
I actually thought about doing this yesterday.
My brain must be broadcasting.
But I got distracted and did not follow through. However I did get to see my daughter perform is her school choir.
It was awesome.
@KevinQ
I don’t know what this means…
Jeff Hentosz almost nailed it. Where I grew up, it seems that sniping, snarking and outright ridiculing your dearly beloved seems to be how people deal with issues. Yanno, rather than actually talking them out with their spouses.
However, in our experience, NOT bitching about your spouse (especially at the behest of your spouse) is what gets the “whipped” tag. Apparently, all the macho men are supposed to demonstrate their independence from whippery by showing how uncaring and badass they are when it comes to haytin’ on their ladies. OTOH, the ladies would be mortified to be overheard saying something positive about their men, lest they be mistaken for one of those disgusting Stepford wives who are willfully blind to the popular notion that men suck and women are better off without them, period.
It’s relationship 101, as imagined by “Married With Children.”
@Andrew
Hubs and I have come to the mutual conclusion that we both got remarkably lucky, especially considering our situational options and the personality bell curve inherent in our collective cultural upbringing.
If our lives had followed predictable paths, I’d be married to some southern redneck loser, with 3 kids and a job cashiering at WalMart, while he’d have been pulling a dark-thirty commute both ways to the nearest factory trying to keep up with the whole wife/house/kids trifecta. Or in prison. Even odds there, and not specifically because of anything he was doing. It’s just where a lot of bored, broke and angry Southern men end up.
But I really think those behaviors of mine that you’re lauding are just a natural by-product of the fact that I’m 90% geek, ergo innately practical (unless I fail my saving throw vs shiny), essentially devoid of traditional romantic notions, and almost entirely incapable of suffering fools gladly.
But that other 10%? Pure woman, baby, right down to my auxiliary burrito storage facilities. Which are, nicely enough, fairly evenly distributed for optimal balance of mass and efficiency of movement. Gotta love good genes.