Athena Has an Idea
Posted on December 16, 2007 Posted by John Scalzi 21 Comments
Athena has been busy inventing things, like you do when you’re eight-going-on-nine, and is allowing me to share with you the following invention, called the “Sleeperly 1000,” which is for children who have a difficult time getting to sleep at night.
You start off with your standard kid-sized bed, which Athena has. But then under the notation “Parts I Need,” we have the following:
- A big cage of glass
- Gold colored bars
- Screws that you can push from the inside
- Mini-fan that has an attachment behind it, that’s like a spray bottle
- (Fill spray bottle with sleeping mist. Invent it if it’s not real)
- Have an on-off button for the fan.
Then you put it all together — somehow — and you have the Sleeperly 1000. Guaranteed to get kids to sleep just like that. Athena plans to sell them for $150. Let it not be said she is not ambitious. Or that she doesn’t love her sleep.
Could she invent a robot that will write my books for me?
Love the photo!
Like any great invention, it’s so obvious once it’s explained!
Mr. Scalzi, you have a clever daughter. (And lovely.)
As an insomniac, I’d take one in a minute.
out of curiosity, once you’ve got sleeping mist, what do you need the gold colored bars for? I assume that the glass cage and fan are for maximum dispersion and containment of said sleeping mist… (I’m also assuming that a “glass cage” is really like a terrarium.)
Vodka could be a good ingredient in sleeping mist, I think, or is she thinking more along the lines of chloroform?
Vodka’s to strong for kids; go with peppermint schnapps.
I know you’re more knowledgeable about copyright, John, but as co-guardian of Athena’s IP rights, you should be filing for a patent for this invention, as well as trademarking “Sleeperly 1000™”
Why is this only for children? Why can’t there be versions for larger beds and larger insomniacs?
I’ve always been a big fan of Athena, but I cannot erase the stink of Ageism from her invention. I suggest counseling. Also meeting with representatives of the over 10-years-of-age community to understand their concerns and to be more sensitive to our needs and feelings. I’d also recommend a public “Mea Culpa” speech expressing remorse for her blatantly Ageist agenda.
I suspect, (much like Mel Gibson), she gets much of this from her father who has been known to advocate the concept that Old Men need new bodies to be of use to society. Regardless of whether she’s come to her Ageist sensibilities on her own or was indoctrinated into it by exposure to said parent, she needs to come clean and repudiate this detestable -ism.
Like I said. I’ve always been a huge fan of Athena but I will be forced to boycott her future performances until I’m satisfied that she has come to a more enlightened position.
I’m sorry. That just had to be said.
Actually, there is “sleep mist” available. It’s some sort of aromatherapy stuff that’s supposed to help people sleep. It just makes me sneeze. I would happily volunteer my own 8-going-on-9 part-time inventor, full-time insomniac for any human trials Athena may have planned.
I was having problems keeping my son from getting out of bed at night. That’s why I invented the “Duct Tape $2.50”. For those who don’t have an extra $150.00 laying around for Athena’s invention.
I hope she cuts you out of the profits as soon as she hits 18. That would serve you right for belittling her invention. (Though I think she should add a zero to her price. What parent wouldn’t pay $1500 to guarantee their child a good night’s sleep? Only the evil ones of the step- variety that inhabit fairy tales, that’s who.)
Here, it’s not too late for Christmas. Yes, they’re pink, but it’s for a good cause. The hacksaw will be especially handy, and the level will help keep things looking nice. The pliers and utility knife will be handy for installing the fan, but you’ll want to pick up a voltage tester separately, just in case. I wish Athena great success.
So, what do the gold bars do? You know, just curious. What, I always have the US Patent Office website open. Doesn’t everybody? Stop looking at me like that. It’s just a misunderstanding.
I think the most important part about this is from the business development angle – check out the clever pricing. It’s not ridiculously cheap in that “this is so cheap it obviously won’t work” way, and it’s not so expensive that someone in desperate need of a child that NEEDS TO GO TO BED won’t spring for it right quick. I also like the upfront “man on the street” honesty of the $150.00 price, rather than the “obviously trying to sneak it past you” price of $149.99 or somesuch. This kid’s gonna go far. She should check into plastics; I hear it’s gonna be *huge*.
Getting tired helps. That means being physically active. Do things, in other words.
Have a wind down period. About an hour before bed time turn off the tv and the radio, and shut down the computer. Read instead. No caffeine. I mean that. And talk with mom and dad about your day and what you expect to be doing tomorrow. Talking with folks you trust about things in your life helps relieve stress.
And speaking of stress, did you know you’ve recently started puberty? Kid you not, you’re at the age where your ovaries have started to produce estrogen and testosterone among other hormones. The estrogen means you’re more affectionate, while the testosterone makes you more aggressive. You’ll get used to it, but until you do you will be more wound up than you were before.
To sum up; nothing that gets you excited, relax with a good book, tire yourself out, and talk with mom and dad about things. But, the most important thing is, don’t worry about going to sleep. You worry about it you won’t be able to go to sleep.
Now a message for your dad.
John, the next time Miss Worrywart is fretting about going to sleep tell her in your best “Dad is serious” voice, “Athena, go to sleep.” Works like a charm. :D
Apparently, the police don’t like it when you stick kids in glass cages and gas them to sleep.
I’ll take two! Can I have mine filled with “rohypnol”?
I presume that the glass cage is to protect the sleeper from any sleep-interrupting drafts or bugs that may be in the vicinity. Excellent. But has Athena considered the co-branding possibilities with Disney Princesses? A Snow White or Sleeping Beauty branded Sleeperly 1000? She’ll be able to buy you a space tourism flight by the time she hits college.
Something similar was designed in the 1800s. I remember it from a neat board game called ‘The Inventors’. It basically was an alarm clock that dropped rocks on you at the appointed hour. I forget whether the rocks were to wake you up or knock you to sleep.
U go girl!!!!!!!