More Writing “Advice”
Posted on February 13, 2008 Posted by John Scalzi 24 Comments
Not from me, from Stephen Granade. Here’s a sample:
Here’s the thing that you, the would-be fiction writer, have to understand about writing and publishing: it’s a big conspiracy. It’s a cabal. There are probably robes and secret handshakes and driving around in tiny cars while wearing fezzes. You can tell because every published writer denies it, and if there’s stronger proof than that, I don’t know what it is.
I for one deny it. Deny it emphatically.
We’ve seen your fez, John. It’s too late.
The public demands photos of your cats in tiny cars and fezzes!
That wasn’t a fez, it was a McDonald’s soda cup on my head. Don’t ask.
Fez? I thought it was fuzz? After one of those “close shaves”.
Are you sure it wasn’t a coffee cup? Because that would be ‘hot fez.’
Always remember, and please never forget: Absence of evidence is evidence of conspiracy.
I would say that advice has to be satire, except that reality keeps outstripping satire these days.
I happen to have a fez. It’s a leapord-print fez, but a fez nonetheless. I can haz conspiracy?
You’d better deny it, Scalzi, you’d better.
And you remember why.
I’m not saying any more.
I have to hope that Nick at #7 is correct. . a few bits there are really too soul-less to be anything but satire. But then again, I don’t know Steve-O personally. Maybe he is soul-less.
Never doubt that I am entirely in earnest. As someone who has no real stake in the business of writing, I have clearly been called to expose the ugly story behind said business.
The fact that his entry has zero comments speaks volumes about the “audience” he’s speaking to.
Poor guy. Can’t make money writing. It must suck to be so bitter.
It IS a secret handshake conspiracy.
And you know what? Getting into the cabal and knowing the secret handshake doesn’t do you a damn bit of good. You still have to be sellable to an agent, then an editor, then the marketing department, which, as the Trilateral Commission, the RIAA, and Up With People will tell you, almost always drops the ball in the quest for world domination.
You could always leave a comment.
Also, I don’t really think Stephen is being bitter, so much as sardonic.
Well, he’s got it wrong. We long ago moved to tailored suits with hidden pockets where we keep our secret decoder rings. . .
It is a great service you provide to the world, Stephen. Thank you for exposing Scalvi’s LIES!
Stephen Granade, you can expect the Tor Crack Ninja Team to arrive any minute now.
Wait, Sclazi also has “awesome” ninja powers. Oh damn. It all makes sense. Run, Stephen, run. Nobody survives exposing the star chamber dealings of the mighty publishing industry.
Everybody talks about the military industrial complex, or big oil, but nobody talks about the Mighty Publishing Industry, which means it’s the most secret of all cabals with roaming crack ninja teams just waiting to silence dissent. It’s all so clear now.
Oh, the humanity.
Sorry, that should be the MacMillian Crack Ninja Team. Economies of scale and all that.
As Lily Tomlin–or Jane Wagner, to be more precise–once said, “The trouble with being cynical is that it’s impossible to keep up.”
From Stephen Granade’s entry:
Why, I’ve been leaving sycophantic comments here for years! I can haz in?
(This doesn’t mean I have to actually finish one of my books, does it? I mean, if I’m all in with the sycophantic actions, that should be enough, right?
Oh, crap. )
After reading Stepehen’s comments, I find myself wanting to chuck my whole laptop (no, not just what I’ve written…the WHOLE freaking thing) into the wood-chipper out back…
Trying to get published is like trying to reach that itchy spot in the middle of your back…you try and try and try to get it, and just when you think you’re getting close, you find yourself stuck.
Oo, oo, I’ve always wanted to belong to something that had a secret handshake! Maybe I’ll quit my job and be a writer!
It was about time someone fezzed up in public.
It’s all in the eyes.