Brutally Slaughtering Two Birds With One Stone

Thanks to the ascendancy of John McCain, conservative Christians may be looking for a third-party candidate.

I’ve got just the guy.

Have fun, you crazy kids.

28 Comments on “Brutally Slaughtering Two Birds With One Stone”

  1. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me
    Chang in Japan!

    Fuck Nader.

    Fuck that egotistical fuck.

  2. That’s about my opinion. Nader is a complete idiot. When I heard him interviewed on TV, and he said that all profit should be outlawed and companies should work only for the common good, I realized how out of touch with reality he is. Combine that with his massive ego, and I don’t think he even comprehends how few people have voted for him in past attempts.

    I think only the worst non-thinkers of the conservative end of the spectrum would actually support another conservative minor party. To do such would guarantee election of the democrat, which would be far worse (in their opinion) than McCain. Some are that stupid. One Mr. Dobson comes to mind.

  3. “he said that all profit should be outlawed and companies should work only for the common good”

    Isn’t that also something that extreme Wahhabists believe?

    But seriously… BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA good one John. :)

  4. Please.

    That puke isn’t going to get the votes that he’s gotten before, because too many people that I knew voted for him have decided to not throw their votes away anymore

    And besides, I’m don’t think the christians would even think about voting for him.

    I’m in the same boat as Chang. Nader can fuck off and die.

  5. When we had to puke when I was in school, we used to puke out ” RALPH” so our toes would not come out our mouths. Now you want us to think Mr. “foot-in-the-mouth”, “head-in-his-ass” Nader as an allternitive to the 3rd choice for the Christians who also have their “Heads-up-their-asses”… on second thought maybe your CORRECT.

    Good one John :)

  6. Unsafe in any party.
    Thanks to the ascendancy of conservative Christians in the republican party I have been looking at other parties.

  7. crotchetyoldfan – The Crotchety Old Fan is Steve Davidson, also know as Rimworlder on many SF forums. Steve maintains the Rim Worlds Concordance project which is devoted to the works of A. Bertram Chandler and his most enduring character - Commodore John Grimes of the Rim Worlds Naval Reserve. Grimes is science fiction’s original ‘Horatio Hornblower of Space’. More information about Chandler, Grimes and the Rim Worlds can be found at Steve also maintains a visual index of volume 1, number 1 pulp science fiction magazines on the same website and is a devoted collector of the same. ‘I’m an ‘old’ SF fan, which you can take whichever way you like, as I love the old masters (Heinlein, Clarke, Asimov, E.F. Russell, Piper, Cordwainer Smith) and I’m well beyond the age you’re not supposed to trust anymore’. This blog is devoted to an investigation of the growing divide between ‘old’ - or ‘classic’ science fiction and the moderan literary genre that is currently sold under the same name. Steve has also begun writing reviews for, expects to be doing the same for, and is contributing various non-fiction pieces to various other websites, all of them concerned with science fiction of one stripe or another. Early in 2008 he became completely disappointed with the SciFi Channel and created The Classic Science Fiction Channel website that gathers links to public domain radio, television, film and literary properties. Steve had a successful non-fiction writing career - writing articles and books dealing primarily with the paintball industry (Four books and several hundred articles including editorializing, product reviews, sports reporting, educational and more) - which he has since given up in favor of blogging and fiction. (Leaving the paintball industry after 25 years.) One final book on this subjected is scheduled to be released in early 2009 (A Parent's Guide To Paintball). Current work on fiction includes several completed novellettes/novellas curently in submission hell and various chapters of three novels. Freely distributed current work - including several chapters of a science fiction/paintball novel and a pulp/comic book/fairy tale mashup can be found on his website.
    steve davidson

    I think they’re just making a case for a Huckabee VP nomination.

    I do wish though that they would put a third party together. Think of the entertainment value of their ‘reach out’ campaigns:

    “Conservative values are shared by more Americans than you might know. Why, even (seemingly liberal, godless) science fiction writers – the internationally acclaimed John Scalzi among them – have paid homage to Christian ideals at the Creation Museum…

  8. I have a friend who contends that this sort of splintering is inevitable for both parties. That we’ll end up with at least 3 parties – one which comprises the left wing of the Dems, one which comprises the right wing of the Reps (and possibly 2, one socially conservative and one actually conservative), and a Centrist party which comprises everything that’s left of the Reps and Dems. The interesting thing to see would be if the Centrists can win enough of Congress to legislate, or if we’ll end up in a situation where the Centrists have to compromise (ooo, scary word!) with elements of the left and the right. If the first, we’ll see a return to the “era of good feelings”, when there was, essentially, one party. (between the War of 1812 and the election of Jackson). If the second, we’ll see democracy in action, European style.

  9. I think the GOP and Democrats have invested too much in rigging the system for a two party system to let that happen very easily.

    What might bring that about is a legitimate independent presidential candidate who wins the race. That would point out that the party apparatus is not actually required.

  10. Let’s not forget Saint Ralph’s promise early in the campaign cycle: He would throw his hat in if Hillary was the Democratic nominee. Solely a front for a GOP-funded split-the-Dem vote candidate.

  11. The two-party system is a natural consequence of our federal legislative set-up.

    The quick and easy way to somewhat reverse it is to institute instant run-off elections in as many states as possible. That way you could vote for a third-party candidate knowing that your “second choice” would kick in if no one achieves a majority.

  12. Nader will obviously take more votes from the Democratic nominee than McCain.

    If someone wants to run as a third party and fill the void that McCain leaves with conservatives, someone who is tough on immigration, for example, would be the most appropriate. Lou Dobbs for example (I can hear the gasps already). Not that I believe he’ll run, but if someone who ran on a platform of cutting off illegal immigration, changing trade policy, and maybe actually reaching out to white middle class voters (gasp!) on touchy issues like affirmative action, since so much of the MSM has focused on the importance of the Hispanic and black vote, could do pretty well. There are some pretty big voids to fill among candidates from both parties, so the opportunity is there.

    “I think only the worst non-thinkers of the conservative end of the spectrum would actually support another conservative minor party. To do such would guarantee election of the democrat, which would be far worse (in their opinion) than McCain. Some are that stupid. One Mr. Dobson comes to mind.”

    Believe it or not, some people actually stick to their principles and refuse to hold their nose at the ballot booth. Sometimes it is better to lose and rebuild from the ashes. Carter brought us Reagan, Clinton brought us the Republican Revolution, and so on (I listen to talk radio sometimes…). I don’t agree with that completely but that is what a lot of people are feeling right now about McCain. Of course, they’re probably just non-thinkers, though…

  13. I agree with John at 18 except I would add that a major mess could do it too. No the current situation isn’t that big of a mess. I am talking of something on the scale of the great depression.
    To Chris D. #22
    I think only the worst non-thinkers of the liberal end of the spectrum would actually support another liberal minor party. To do such would guarantee election of the republican, which would be far worse (in their opinion) than Obama or Clinton. Some are that stupid. See? This kind of statement is true for both ends of the spectrum.
    I don’t listen to talk radio, ever. The thing with talk radio is it always one sided. Nobody listens to the other party’s talk radio because who is going to listen to someone espouse idea’s that are counter to their already deeply rooted beliefs? How often do people switch sides? I suspect it is like religious beliefs, they are set early, passed from parent to child and almost never get objectivly examined. Another similarity is that the few that do convert are usually the most fanatical and vocal.
    Oh noes someone on the interweb is wrong! By wrong I mean they don’t agree with ME! I am never wrong, I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

  14. Nader was on Wolf Blitzer’s Sunday morning show two or three weeks ago and even then was hinting very strongly that he would likely run. He even mentioned his exploratory web site. He also said he was already getting a number of lawyers volunteering to work pro-bono to get him on the various state ballots. My first thought on that statement was that I bet most of the lawyers are Republicans.


  15. If an independent or third-party candidate won the presidency, it would either be a one-off, or that candidate’s movement would become a party that would eventually supplant one of the two current major parties.

    The two-party system isn’t just the result of rigging by the Democratic and Republican parties; the American system is such that it’s hard for more than two parties to exercise any great power, and two parties seem to be the equilibrium state. A two-party system (Federalist vs. Democratic-Republican) emerged almost immediately after the Constitution came into being; after the Federalists faded, the Dem-Reps eventually splintered and there were Democrats and Whigs, then the Whig Party died and the Republicans emerged just before the Civil War.

    (Lincoln actually ran for and won reelection under the “National Union Party” banner, but it was, uh, kind of a special situation. Apparently John Anderson re-used the name in 1980.)

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