The Most Schadenfreudtastic Story of the Month
From the New York Times:
Alberto R. Gonzales, like many others recently unemployed, has discovered how difficult it can be to find a new job. Mr. Gonzales, the former attorney general, who was forced to resign last year, has been unable to interest law firms in adding his name to their roster, Washington lawyers and his associates said in recent interviews…
“Maybe the passage of time will provide some opportunity for him,” said one Washington lawyer who was aware of an inquiry to his firm from a Gonzales associate. “I wouldn’t say ‘rebuffed,’ ” said the lawyer, who asked his name not be used because the situation being described was uncomfortable for Mr. Gonzales. “I would say ‘not taken up.’ ”
Alberto Gonzalez, meet karma. Karma, Alberto Gonzalez. You kids were made for each other.
I’m not so petty that I hope Gonzalez does not find suitable employment, but given his immediate past record, I think it’s fairly evident that “the law,” “suitable employment” and “Alberto Gonzalez” really ought not be used together in a sentence, unless “is not” is placed between the first and second of these phrases. Unfortunately, that leaves “lick-spittlery” as Gonzalez’s only marketable skill, and, well. Link-spittlery really is a young person’s game, isn’t it. Gonzalez had a good run in that department with Bush, but he was rode hard and put away wet by the president, and everyone knows it. No one wants a tired old second-hand lick-spittler when new ones, young and dewy fresh, are thick on the ground. “Discarded Sycophant” just doesn’t make friends as a resume line item.
Which leaves what? Well, maybe Gonzalez has a heretofore unknown hobby — interpretive dance, perhaps, or knitting — that he can capitalize on for a new career. Maybe he could take all that experience he’s had testifying on the Hill and use it to become a testimony coach (although one wonders, once Gonzalez handed over the slip of paper with the phrases “I don’t know,” “I’m not familiar with that” and “I’ll have to check with my staff and get back to you on that,” on it, if the rest of his coaching time would be spent in awkward silence). There’s always the memoir route, although if his congressional testimony is anything to go by, the memoir would have him taking a nap on the afternoon of February 3, 2005, and then waking up in September of 2007 without much of an idea of what went on during the interim. The memoir would at least be short, which has its appeal.
But what Gonzalez really needs to do is just hang on for a few more months; after that Dubya will ride to his rescue by appointing him General Counsel for the GWB Presidential Library, where Gonzalez can happily deny scholarly access to administration documents well into retirement age. It’s a dream of dreams, to be sure, for the both of them.
Until then, clip those coupons, Alberto! It’s not much longer now. And when it’s done, the memory of all those tight-budget Top Ramen suppers will taste like victory.