It Has Begun
Posted on April 25, 2008 Posted by John Scalzi 74 Comments
Yes, yes. It has.
Arrangements have been made. Wheels set into motion.
At this point, it is inevitable. Unavoidable.
Implacable would not be too strong a word.
What has begun?
I cannot tell you.
Suffice to say it is evil. And yet awesome, in its way.
And it will be visited upon one of you.
Yes, yes. One of you.
No, I will not say who. You will know soon enough.
Yes, yes. You will know.
That is all.
Whoops, wait. Forgot the maniacal laugh.
BWA HA HA HA HA HAH HA!
Now that is all. Yes, yes.
Dude! That’s just not right. Toying with our emotions like we are your very own personal puppets.
You had me at “maniacal laugh”… but–
Remember, first you laugh, THEN you torment….
As long as it’s awesome evil. I am getting very tired of tawdry, humdrum evil.
I think I like this new mad Scalzi. Were you stopping your typing to rub your hands together and marvel at your evil genius?
I’m thinking that I should start buying shares in Coke Zero, or at least the company that makes it…
Well, it better be me.I haven’t had enough evil visited upon me lately.
Wait, let me guess…. You’ve killed real supers so you could pretend to be one?
Oh! I hope it’s me. Visit it upon me!!! (I’m an attention monger).
I, for one, welcome the evil that is going to be visited upon one (or more?) of us.
I for one welcome our new, bacony overlord, whomever it is.
Swedish bikini ninjas! Wearing green buttons! Whoo-hooo!
I’m at the corner of…
You’re finally writing that romance novel, aren’t you?
As long as it’s not too evil an evil, I suppose it would be okay.
But if it was a really really evil, like, say, Mariah Carey in a plaid polyester suit, endlessly screeching high notes while trying to sell used cards. Well, that kind of evil I can do without.
Argghh! Now I must quiver with antici …
One of ME? But… there is ONLY one of me!
I’ll take Immortality and Unlimited Wealth for $200, Alex.
Tho’ I surf through the website of death, I shall fear no DOS attack.
Evil! Please be creative evil! Not run of the mill evil. I hate re-runs.
This can only mean one thing… he will come to your door and eat Schadenfreude Pie in front of you. Then tape bacon to you and take pictures as you weep tears of despair.
I shall counter with an In-N-Out Double-Double, animal style.
You didn’t have anything to do with my hammock breaking, did you?
Uh oh, caught without a Scalzi plan!
If you tape bacon to me, I’m kicking your ass.
1) Yes it has begun.
I am packing to move to a house.
2) It will happen…
I am beyond the point of no return. The U-Haul is rented. Many boxes are packed. THEREFORE it WILL happen.
So I can ONLY conclude that you are coming to help me move. But you just haven’t told me yet.
Does it involve me getting Cory Doctorow’s new novel in the mail, reading it, and getting all paranoid and angry about the government? Cause that’s happening today.
Geez, John. I’d think that you’d know the first rule of evil plotting- never let the victims of your plot become aware of it.
Let me guess, now you’re just going to leave, assuming that it is impossible for you to be thwarted, right? C’mon, watch a 007 movie or something! Or, at least Austin Powers.
Oh, and for future reference: Ohio is a bad place to have an evil lair. Far too inoffensive and flat.
1 of 3 things:
1) The weed in Ohio is awesome.
2) John hit the hard stuff. No more Coke Zero.. Straight Classic Coke. (write this as a 2 liter is on my desk)
3) John got one of those buttons from that con and put it on a specific body part.
Or you know..
Zoe’s Tale has hit the printers…
Argh! Ack! Grr! You are such a tease. (And I love it.)
Grades are due Tuesday at Noon — I don’t have time for evil this weekend. Please make an appointment for evil at another time.
Well, maybe there’s time for a little evil. I just finished grading all my book reports from my Honors Mechanics & Heat class. Helps when you only have 21 students. 21 times 5-7 page papers versus semesters where I have 250 times 4-5 page papers — easy call. (grin)
Coming to bookstores near you, this summer: The Rough Guide to Visiting Implacable, Awesome Evil Upon Others. (Rough Guides, 2008: $14.95).
Speaking of evil and grading papers, tonight I wrote for the first time ever — “check out John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War” — in response to a comment about “soldiers of these futuristic wars… fighting an enemy that only exists in some twisted writer’s imagination.” The student went on about “bright-eyed youth”. Guess it depends on your army. (grin)
I laugh in the face of evil . . . and you, my friend, have a face made for evil. I’ve seen your books. (Read ’em too.)
I can’t wait for my box of Scalzi Husband (beta version) to come to my doorstep and read SF to me, entertain the kids with witty WoodChuckisms, perform annoying but harmless experiments on the cat, worship me by publishing lovely sepiatones pictures of me on his website (and some with me yeilding a baseball bat, wouldn’t want him to worship me just for my looks), and generally stay out of my way when I want time alone by shoving himself in a room for hours on end to type to the people who live in his computer, yet emerge on demand for when I need to be /attended/ to. If this version is the one who does the dishes, too, well then all the better.
If cloning was necessary, I can accept that, but please, not the distorted version or the one with the horns. Do I need to be home to sign for it?
Nothing wrong with a little evil being visited upon you, as long as you’ve been properly informed well in advance. Otherwise it ruins the whole experience.
It’s the mustache, the Freddy Mercury mustache. Shave it off and the evil, it will go away.
Freddy Mercury was evil?!
Ah, the hazards of blogging whilst drunk.
I’ve manage to avoid that so far; I just comment whilst drunk…
I’ve sat through eight years of faculty meetings, and I’ve dealt with deans – medical school deans in fact – so I laugh at your tawdry evil. I have seen true evil.
Jim Wright @#37: I’d call it a Ron Jeremy mustache. It’s a little bit worrying that Scalzi is mutating into Ron Jeremy, but I suppose it could make Krissy happy.
John, John, what have I said? Never reveal your plans in advance! Now write one hundred times on the blackboard: “I will not gloat before the victim is fully in my hands.” There, off you go!
I think I know what’s up. But I promise not to tell. I’ll just sit back and gleefully watch.
Someone’s name will be honored to appear [in JS’ newest fiction] as a minor character who battles superior enemies but meets his/her demise in Chapter One with unflinching courage, slain by a vac-to-surface kinetic weapon: a flitch of bacon launched from low orbit at cryonic temperature and rigidity on an aerobreaking trajectory which will culminate with lethal impact energy squarely atop the victim, a heavenly aroma spread over a far greater radius, and the remainder of the flitch smoked to a
Death By Bacon.
Not such a bad way to go … sign me up.
But may Ghod help you if (almost-inevitable) collateral damage from DBB bring harm to even one cat.
I’m with Lisa @ 35. Only I think the devil-horned version would be a plus.
Still, we should probably find all the sharp objects and hide them.
With the maniacal laugh, I can only think its the kind of mutant evil that has friggin laser beams attached to its friggin head.
To quote Hellraiser 3: “What you did? That was… That was fucking wrong man! Fucking evil!”
Demon Scalzi. My mind will be infused with nothing else today.
Oh geez. So I guess I DIDN’T pay enough for that alien sex story…
You sound like the insane King of All the Cosmos in Katamari Damacy.
If my copy of Coffee Shop contains ricin powder, I’ll just have to haunt you and give you dreams, nay, nightmares, that your trip to the Creationist Museum was an eye-opening experience, and you want to change your will to fund their efforts in perpetuity.
Evil is a double-edged sword.
Ian @49: He does, doesn’t he?
Scalzi: Does he feel like evil or pie?
Mah delooshuhns of granjer, let me show u them.
Let me show u my delooshuhns.
Giacomo @ 41: I’m supposed to meet Ron Jeremy tonight (husband-work event) so I’ll be sure to compare ‘staches.
Let me prognosticate that this involves the Dewey Donation solicitation from a few months ago – (now hoping to have this particular evil visited on me….)
Now that I’ve backed up my brain to an undisclosed off-site location I fear no Scalzevil.
I’m hoping that this is True Evil. What most people call “evil” is really meanspiritedness or self-centered ignorance.
My guess is that John has determined that the CERN high-energy particle collider will, in fact, create a black hole, and only he has the mathematical formula for a containment device. Then he blackmails the world for the formula.
Otherwise it’s goodbye polar bears, panda bears, and Poland.
But, But… I only just got here. And I gave you money. And evil is to be the only reward?
Are you some kind of TAX OFFICIAL? Masquerading as a writer to lull us into a false sense of security?
To borrow a line from Pat Benatar, hit me with your best shot. :)
Wait, am I the only person who, upon reading the title, instantly thought ‘Mortal Combat!’? Test your might… Maybe it’s time to drop the Utah Saints from my gym mix…
Here we can see the pernicious effects of a common male human ailment, secondary adolescence.
The clues you have left are unfathomable. Can’t even call them clues, really. I’m not going to worry about whatever evil you are plotting. I’m sure it will not be visited upon little, inoffensive me. So, ha.
Aren’t evil overlords supposed to explain in detail why they’re doing what they’re doing before they do it?
C’mon… bring it on!!!!
Primetime Whatever – the Scalzi reality show?
Let me guess. Some poor sucker is going to surf in here and be greeted by a multicoloured flashing,
“!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! YOU’RE THE 1,000,000 WHATEVER VISITOR!!!!!! CLICK HERE FOR A FREE* DISNEYWORLD VACATION !!!!!!!!”
“* Airfare, meals, accommodation and attraction tickets not included. Timeshare seminar attendance required.”
There, I’ve unmasked your evil scheme. Scooby-doo would be proud.
Meddling kids 1, Evil genius 0.
It’s at moments like these than I’m thankful I rate so far down in the Scalzi Universe as to rate coming back as a Pill Bug in my next life.
Giacomoon, it wouldn’t be the mustache that was mutating to have the desired effect, just saying.
“Ah, sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you…”
What….What CAN IT BE???
Will I be the ONE??
IS the WORLD COMING TO THE END??
DAMN YOU…… DAMN YOU!!!
Okay, at first I thought it was a movie deal he can’t talk about. But one person? How will we know if that one person doesn’t share with the class?
You know, when my friend Brandon Sanderson started saying stuff like this, he soon announced he was finishing the Wheel of Time series…
I’ll win it. I have almost preternatural luck in contests.
You’ve built a Scalvi made from bacon?
He’s not releasing his cover of Duran Duran songs is he?
Scalzi, there’s only room for one evil warlord(ess) in this world; while you may have a few decades on me (old man lol) I think I’ve been more evil than you for a long time. After all, someone had to take up the (very fun) mantel of evil out of my mom’s five kids. Heh, those poor schmucks believe in the sweet Ash! They have no idea that I plan to be a geneticist so that I can splice human and pig DNA! Bwahaha ::cough cough hack hack:: Guess I still don’t have the hang of that evil laugh lol. I wish I lived in the (mid) west so I could go to conventions and meet my favorite authors, but sadly I have not the resources (scholarship college kid). Eh, when I take over the world, I shall command that all conventions take place within a hundred mile radius of me. This world has no idea what’s in store for it! :)
You page count is trully impressive, your evil laugh needs work.
Bwah hahahahahahahaha *cough cough*
Bwah ha ha ha