It Has Begun

Yes, yes. It has.

Arrangements have been made. Wheels set into motion.

At this point, it is inevitable. Unavoidable.

Implacable would not be too strong a word.

What has begun?

I cannot tell you.

Suffice to say it is evil. And yet awesome, in its way.

And it will be visited upon one of you.

Yes, yes. One of you.

No, I will not say who. You will know soon enough.

Yes, yes. You will know.

That is all.

Whoops, wait. Forgot the maniacal laugh.

BWA HA HA HA HA HAH HA!

Now that is all. Yes, yes.

74 Comments on “It Has Begun”

  1. As long as it’s awesome evil. I am getting very tired of tawdry, humdrum evil.

  2. I think I like this new mad Scalzi. Were you stopping your typing to rub your hands together and marvel at your evil genius?

  3. I’m thinking that I should start buying shares in Coke Zero, or at least the company that makes it…

  4. As long as it’s not too evil an evil, I suppose it would be okay.

    But if it was a really really evil, like, say, Mariah Carey in a plaid polyester suit, endlessly screeching high notes while trying to sell used cards. Well, that kind of evil I can do without.

  5. I’ll take Immortality and Unlimited Wealth for $200, Alex.

  6. This can only mean one thing… he will come to your door and eat Schadenfreude Pie in front of you. Then tape bacon to you and take pictures as you weep tears of despair.

    I shall counter with an In-N-Out Double-Double, animal style.

  7. Kelly Sedinger – Buffalo, NY, USA – I write by night and work with hand and power tools by day...I have unhealthy obsessions with books, movies, music, food, and bib overalls. I live with my wonderful family (brilliant wife, brilliant kid, three lovable but dumb-as-post cats) near Buffalo, NY.
    Jaquandor

    If you tape bacon to me, I’m kicking your ass.

  8. Well…
    1) Yes it has begun.
    I am packing to move to a house.
    2) It will happen…
    I am beyond the point of no return. The U-Haul is rented. Many boxes are packed. THEREFORE it WILL happen.

    So I can ONLY conclude that you are coming to help me move. But you just haven’t told me yet.

  9. Does it involve me getting Cory Doctorow’s new novel in the mail, reading it, and getting all paranoid and angry about the government? Cause that’s happening today.

  10. Geez, John. I’d think that you’d know the first rule of evil plotting- never let the victims of your plot become aware of it.

    Let me guess, now you’re just going to leave, assuming that it is impossible for you to be thwarted, right? C’mon, watch a 007 movie or something! Or, at least Austin Powers.

    Oh, and for future reference: Ohio is a bad place to have an evil lair. Far too inoffensive and flat.

  11. 1 of 3 things:

    1) The weed in Ohio is awesome.

    2) John hit the hard stuff. No more Coke Zero.. Straight Classic Coke. (write this as a 2 liter is on my desk)

    3) John got one of those buttons from that con and put it on a specific body part.

  12. Grades are due Tuesday at Noon — I don’t have time for evil this weekend. Please make an appointment for evil at another time.

    Well, maybe there’s time for a little evil. I just finished grading all my book reports from my Honors Mechanics & Heat class. Helps when you only have 21 students. 21 times 5-7 page papers versus semesters where I have 250 times 4-5 page papers — easy call. (grin)

    Dr. Phil

  13. Coming to bookstores near you, this summer: The Rough Guide to Visiting Implacable, Awesome Evil Upon Others. (Rough Guides, 2008: $14.95).

  14. >ducks<

  15. Speaking of evil and grading papers, tonight I wrote for the first time ever — “check out John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War” — in response to a comment about “soldiers of these futuristic wars… fighting an enemy that only exists in some twisted writer’s imagination.” The student went on about “bright-eyed youth”. Guess it depends on your army. (grin)

    Dr. Phil

  16. Finally!!!!

    I can’t wait for my box of Scalzi Husband (beta version) to come to my doorstep and read SF to me, entertain the kids with witty WoodChuckisms, perform annoying but harmless experiments on the cat, worship me by publishing lovely sepiatones pictures of me on his website (and some with me yeilding a baseball bat, wouldn’t want him to worship me just for my looks), and generally stay out of my way when I want time alone by shoving himself in a room for hours on end to type to the people who live in his computer, yet emerge on demand for when I need to be /attended/ to. If this version is the one who does the dishes, too, well then all the better.

    If cloning was necessary, I can accept that, but please, not the distorted version or the one with the horns. Do I need to be home to sign for it?

  17. Nothing wrong with a little evil being visited upon you, as long as you’ve been properly informed well in advance. Otherwise it ruins the whole experience.

  18. I’ve sat through eight years of faculty meetings, and I’ve dealt with deans – medical school deans in fact – so I laugh at your tawdry evil. I have seen true evil.

  19. Jim Wright @#37: I’d call it a Ron Jeremy mustache. It’s a little bit worrying that Scalzi is mutating into Ron Jeremy, but I suppose it could make Krissy happy.

  20. John, John, what have I said? Never reveal your plans in advance! Now write one hundred times on the blackboard: “I will not gloat before the victim is fully in my hands.” There, off you go!

  21. I think I know what’s up. But I promise not to tell. I’ll just sit back and gleefully watch.

  22. Someone’s name will be honored to appear [in JS’ newest fiction] as a minor character who battles superior enemies but meets his/her demise in Chapter One with unflinching courage, slain by a vac-to-surface kinetic weapon: a flitch of bacon launched from low orbit at cryonic temperature and rigidity on an aerobreaking trajectory which will culminate with lethal impact energy squarely atop the victim, a heavenly aroma spread over a far greater radius, and the remainder of the flitch smoked to a suborbit turn.

    Death By Bacon.

    Not such a bad way to go … sign me up.
    But may Ghod help you if (almost-inevitable) collateral damage from DBB bring harm to even one cat.

  23. I’m with Lisa @ 35. Only I think the devil-horned version would be a plus.

    Still, we should probably find all the sharp objects and hide them.

  24. With the maniacal laugh, I can only think its the kind of mutant evil that has friggin laser beams attached to its friggin head.

  25. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me
    Chang, fan of boobs

    To quote Hellraiser 3: “What you did? That was… That was fucking wrong man! Fucking evil!”

    Demon Scalzi. My mind will be infused with nothing else today.

  26. crotchetyoldfan – The Crotchety Old Fan is Steve Davidson, also know as Rimworlder on many SF forums. Steve maintains the Rim Worlds Concordance project which is devoted to the works of A. Bertram Chandler and his most enduring character - Commodore John Grimes of the Rim Worlds Naval Reserve. Grimes is science fiction’s original ‘Horatio Hornblower of Space’. More information about Chandler, Grimes and the Rim Worlds can be found at www.rimworlds.com. Steve also maintains a visual index of volume 1, number 1 pulp science fiction magazines on the same website and is a devoted collector of the same. ‘I’m an ‘old’ SF fan, which you can take whichever way you like, as I love the old masters (Heinlein, Clarke, Asimov, E.F. Russell, Piper, Cordwainer Smith) and I’m well beyond the age you’re not supposed to trust anymore’. This blog is devoted to an investigation of the growing divide between ‘old’ - or ‘classic’ science fiction and the moderan literary genre that is currently sold under the same name. Steve has also begun writing reviews for www.SFReader.com, expects to be doing the same for www.SFSignal.com, and is contributing various non-fiction pieces to various other websites, all of them concerned with science fiction of one stripe or another. Early in 2008 he became completely disappointed with the SciFi Channel and created The Classic Science Fiction Channel website that gathers links to public domain radio, television, film and literary properties. Steve had a successful non-fiction writing career - writing articles and books dealing primarily with the paintball industry (Four books and several hundred articles including editorializing, product reviews, sports reporting, educational and more) - which he has since given up in favor of blogging and fiction. (Leaving the paintball industry after 25 years.) One final book on this subjected is scheduled to be released in early 2009 (A Parent's Guide To Paintball). Current work on fiction includes several completed novellettes/novellas curently in submission hell and various chapters of three novels. Freely distributed current work - including several chapters of a science fiction/paintball novel and a pulp/comic book/fairy tale mashup can be found on his website.
    steve davidson

    Oh geez. So I guess I DIDN’T pay enough for that alien sex story…

  27. If my copy of Coffee Shop contains ricin powder, I’ll just have to haunt you and give you dreams, nay, nightmares, that your trip to the Creationist Museum was an eye-opening experience, and you want to change your will to fund their efforts in perpetuity.
    Evil is a double-edged sword.

  28. Let me prognosticate that this involves the Dewey Donation solicitation from a few months ago – (now hoping to have this particular evil visited on me….)

  29. I’m hoping that this is True Evil. What most people call “evil” is really meanspiritedness or self-centered ignorance.

    My guess is that John has determined that the CERN high-energy particle collider will, in fact, create a black hole, and only he has the mathematical formula for a containment device. Then he blackmails the world for the formula.

    Otherwise it’s goodbye polar bears, panda bears, and Poland.

  30. But, But… I only just got here. And I gave you money. And evil is to be the only reward?

    Are you some kind of TAX OFFICIAL? Masquerading as a writer to lull us into a false sense of security?

  31. Wait, am I the only person who, upon reading the title, instantly thought ‘Mortal Combat!’? Test your might… Maybe it’s time to drop the Utah Saints from my gym mix…

  32. The clues you have left are unfathomable. Can’t even call them clues, really. I’m not going to worry about whatever evil you are plotting. I’m sure it will not be visited upon little, inoffensive me. So, ha.

  33. Aren’t evil overlords supposed to explain in detail why they’re doing what they’re doing before they do it?

    C’mon… bring it on!!!!

  34. Let me guess. Some poor sucker is going to surf in here and be greeted by a multicoloured flashing,

    “!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! YOU’RE THE 1,000,000 WHATEVER VISITOR!!!!!! CLICK HERE FOR A FREE* DISNEYWORLD VACATION !!!!!!!!”

    “* Airfare, meals, accommodation and attraction tickets not included. Timeshare seminar attendance required.”

    There, I’ve unmasked your evil scheme. Scooby-doo would be proud.

    Meddling kids 1, Evil genius 0.

  35. It’s at moments like these than I’m thankful I rate so far down in the Scalzi Universe as to rate coming back as a Pill Bug in my next life.

    Giacomoon, it wouldn’t be the mustache that was mutating to have the desired effect, just saying.

    “Ah, sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you…”

  36. What….What CAN IT BE???

    Will I be the ONE??

    IS the WORLD COMING TO THE END??

    DAMN YOU…… DAMN YOU!!!

    hehehehe!

  37. Okay, at first I thought it was a movie deal he can’t talk about. But one person? How will we know if that one person doesn’t share with the class?

  38. Scalzi, there’s only room for one evil warlord(ess) in this world; while you may have a few decades on me (old man lol) I think I’ve been more evil than you for a long time. After all, someone had to take up the (very fun) mantel of evil out of my mom’s five kids. Heh, those poor schmucks believe in the sweet Ash! They have no idea that I plan to be a geneticist so that I can splice human and pig DNA! Bwahaha ::cough cough hack hack:: Guess I still don’t have the hang of that evil laugh lol. I wish I lived in the (mid) west so I could go to conventions and meet my favorite authors, but sadly I have not the resources (scholarship college kid). Eh, when I take over the world, I shall command that all conventions take place within a hundred mile radius of me. This world has no idea what’s in store for it! :)

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