27 Comments on “Today’s Free Advice”

1. darn, too late . . .

   but on the bright side, some agent of an exiled Nigerian dignitary is going to be depositing a large sum of cash into my bank account. My bank account to which I gave them access numbers. And passwords.

   ;)

2. Me too! I love helping exiled Nigerian leaders!

3. Ahh, if only I had access to a .fbi.gov email account, the fun I could have.

4. I’ve had several dying widows wanting me to help distribute their late husband’s wealth to deserving charities. It’s so nice to have the trust of such humanitarian individuals.

5. http://www.419eater.com/

   I think you should do this, John.

6. On the other hand, emails that begin “Hey, Rube!” are your path to fame and fortune.

   Thanks,
   -V.

7. Is “Dear Sucker” OK? I just got one saying my e-mail was chosen to receive a large sum of money. My e-mail doesn’t need money.

8. I actually had a neighbor who fell for that. Same neighbor who cut off two fingers with a band saw and they wound up attaching his pinkie to where his ring finger was supposed to be.

   Candidate for the Darwin Awards.

9. I don’t know. I’ve found these emails are great in tracking down deceased relatives that I didn’t know I had from all over the globe. It’s so kind of them to include me in their will. Makes me wish someone would have organized an international family reunion years ago.

10. I always answer these e-mails, and wish them a painful, slow death. The sooner the better.

11. But John, it’s a chance to share in 10 mill/13 mill/6 mill/4 mill/20 mill/18 mill!

    Sometimes I wonder how the Nigerian banking system continues to operate with all that unclaimed money clogging it up.

12. I’m waiting for them to start sending me billions before I respond. The way the dollar is headed, you know.

13. Can we answer “Give your girlfriend a bigger sausage in bed!” emails?

14. Okay off topic here, but I’ve just got to ask. Your tag line under the title is the “left foot in” line from the Hookey-Pookey. My question is why do they always start with the left foot? If you don’t believe me do a Google search for “hookey pookey lyrics”.

    People have dominate hands, which for most of us is probably the right hand. What people don’t realize is that you have a dominate foot as well. No really you do. When stepping off or up on to a curb do you always have to use the same foot? Try it and see.

    So, if are right hand is dominate wouldn’t our right foot be dominate as well? If that’s the case, wouldn’t the Hookey-Pookey start with the right foot? Or does it have something to do with the ‘opposite arms swings forward when the opposite leg steps’ kind of thing? Just thought I’d ask.

15. Pengwenn – *most* (not all) dances begin with your left foot. Really. Marching (both military & band, ’cause military came first, after all) is that way, too. – the cadance is ‘Left, Left, Left-right-left.’

    So, by rights, the Hokey Pokey *should* begin with your left foot, since it is a dance.

    That’s what it’s all about. ;)

16. It could be worse.

    “Greetings gentlebeings!”

17. Pengwenn – dunno if it applies to anyone else, but since I’m right-dominant, I step with my left sometime, so I can keep my weight and balance on my more coordinated right. Particularly when I know I’m going to be taking my left foot out shortly after moving it in. ;)

    That being said, the current tagline makes me think of inserting one’s foot into one’s mouth in addition the hokey pokey, but maybe that’s just me projecting.

18. Damn John,

    I’ve been reading your blog for about three years now and this is the first time you thought you should mention this?

    I could’ve saved millions!

19. Pengwenn, it starts with the left because we read and write from right to left. Ironically, our unidirectional reading and writing–a product of the oppressive right-handed western world’s uncaring attitude towards the inconvenience their choices force upon the much-abused left-handed minority–produces dance norms that favor the left-footed (the overwhelming majority of whom are also left-handed).

    It is a small recompense for a world that is constantly trampling our basic human lefts. Also that awesome Scottish clan that was all left-handed, and therefore spiralled their staircases in the opposite direction to give themselves added advantage in the case of attack. Your crazy right-handed ways are no match for our mad lefty-fu! We will exploit your footed weakness, one round of hokey-pokey after another. The world will be ours, I tell you! All your base will belong to us! Then how the keyboards and cameras and spiral bound notebooks of the world will change… mwahahaha.

20. Annalee, as one lefty to another, let me say I think I love you. Well said!

    Let the lefty revolution begin!

21. Annalee, I read from left to right.

22. So, Annalee is in an Arabic and/or East Asian area then? ;)

23. I answered that kind of message, it was a scam. The Nigerian princess wasn’t really rich. I discovered that when we were already married. Her father, mother and 24 brothers and sisters are now living in our apartment…

24. Always take emails from Thrusting Friends.

25. This morning’s 419 spam ostensibly came from a Scottish banker, asking my help in moving “15 million pounds starlings” out of the country.

    One boggles at the size of the bird cage needed for that. And where would I find a newspaper big enough to line the bottom of the cage? Assuming it’s only one starling, of course; maybe he actually needs to move 80,000,000 birds (at an average of 3 ounces each) out of the country….

26. CV Rick and MWT: I said I was going to take over your planet and force top-bound spiral notebooks onto your unsuspecting children. I didn’t say I was going to be smart while doing it. I’d play the dyslexic card, but I think we can all agree that that kind of idiot mistake is actually a symptom of prooflexia.

    When the Revoleftion comes, we’ll have people attending to that.

27. Mankel: but is she hot?

    Annalee: I’ll start exercising my left arm and leg more to prepare! Vive le Leftolution!