Posted on May 2, 2008 Posted by John Scalzi 29 Comments
The really funny thing was that last night I had a hankerin’ for bacon, and was fixin’ to fry me up some, but then I discovered we were out of bacon. It was terrible. Terrible, I tell you.
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Puppy and I went for groceries on Monday, but just to “pick up a few things.” And I said, “We are out of bacon and ice cream.”
And Puppy boggled and said “I think you’ve let this adult thing go to your head, Mom. You can’t be “out” of bacon and ice cream. It’s not bread and milk. Bacon’s not a staple.“
Weird. It must be a bacon moon or something. Normally we have turkey bacon with breakfast (surprisingly good! …if you get the right brand), but yesterday Kim announced she had a coupon for real bacon and by God, she intended to use it. I was excited.
Of course, they were out. So I too experienced bacon frustration.
If you ever sneer at New Yorkers, remember, we’re no more than 20 minutes from bacon. 24/7.
I had the bacon hankerin’ on the way to work this morning. I opted for the faux McMuffin, and it’s been completely downhill since.
John, can I come peel a slab off the side of your cat? The pictures indicate that there’s plenty of the stuff (not the cat, the bacon) to go around.
all this talk of bacon… now I’m hankerin for a nice bacon bra snack.
If you wouldn’t tape the bacon to your cat, you wouldn’t run out so fast.
The first thing I thought of when I saw the XKCD comic this morning in my mailbox was “I wonder how many times Scalzi has been emailed with this?”
John,
My home is also baconless at the moment. Whatever shall we do!?!
Who is this “we”? I’ve already re-baconed.
I can re-bacon in 3 minutes flat!
This reminds me, we went out to Olive Garden a couple weeks ago and we’re never sure what to get my youngest son there–he’s 10–because he doesn’t care for their marinara sauce much. But in times past we’ve enjoyed the appetizer, their fonduta, which is essentially thick gooey cheese and bread to dip it in. So we ordered that for him and he was–being 10–going on about how good it was “and good for you, too.”
My wife and I looked at each other and kind of laughed. When the waiter came by we asked him what was in it–5 different types of cheese, oil, warmed in a smoker oven so it has that smoker flavor.
Yeah, it tastes book, but good for you? Hmmm…
Ever since I was diagnosed with diabetes and found that I have to virtually eliminate breadstuffs and most other carby foods (except veggies, thank god) simply to achieve normal blood sugars, I’ve decided that bacon *is* a staple, at least in my house. As are things like real butter, and heavy cream for my coffee, and fresh berries with cream. Bacon makes up for missing out on a lot of hot rolls, I can tell you.
And contrary to the expectations of most of my family, I’ve actually lost almost 50 pounds eating this stuff, and my lipids have improved. Hell, I just had a CT done to check for coronary plaque, and got a score of *zero* (meaning my current risk of heart disease is mighty damn low.) So for my aged body, screw the pasta — bacon rocks!
I allow myself two strips of REALLY GOOD bacon, once a week. No expense spared.
And to think I could have had bacon today and I didn’t. Doh!
Mmmmmm…bacon.
The highest and most noble use of the pig.
“fixin’ to”
I thought you were from California. I had flash backs to living in the south.
Everybody’s from the south when they’re fixin’ to have some bacon, my friend.
How about choco-bacon?
This evening I realized that I managed to eat a whole salame di Felino in due days. It weighted 1 kilo.
…
due = two.
On the way home from the bookstore last week I saw a bumper sticker that said “Bacon is meat candy”.
@Josh #3 We live in the Pittsburgh suburbs with a 24 hour grocery store about 10 minutes away. We, too, can re-bacon 24/7 in about 20 minutes. The real estate people are right on the money (bacon?) when they say “Location, location, location is the key to selling a piece of property.”
I like to use bacon presses to have nice, evenly cooked bacon. Cook one side for a bit, flip them, then put the weight on top. Obviously, it’s not crinkly bacon, but it’s good stuff.
(Damnit, can’t have bacon right now. No nitrates or nitrites allowed.)
I *like* bacon, of course. I’m a total carnivore, and it goes without saying.
On the other hand, I believe there are uses to which bacon should not be put. You see, my boss has gotten into the habit of making flavored vodka by filling a mason jar with vodka and tossing in whatever flavoring agent he has at hand. Most of these turn out pretty decently. Cranberry and cinnamon were both good, caocao bean was interesting….
And then there was the Bacon Vodka. Verily I say unto you, when there is a *layer of fat* at the bottom of a jar of *vodka* (that has already been strained through coffee filters several times), it is a warning sign that is best heeded. Seriously, it tasted like flaming bacon bits. Blergh.
The Bacon Liberation Front has no statement to issue concerning such distasteful (sic) matters.
We will merely eat our lettuce and tomato with mayo sandwiches and tell ourselves that we are missing nothing.
It is either that or down a quarter pounder with cheese.
You’ve got a dog, right?
If Lassie can run and tell the grownups that dumbass Timmy has fallen down the well, again*, surely your own dog is smart enough** to be told to run down to the nearest grocery and bring back some bacon.
*Hey, Timmy’s parents, have you ever thought of, oh, I don’t know, maybe PUTTING A COVER over the top of that stupid well?
**data point: Lassie to the contrary, the Collies I’ve met in thirty years with the Postal Service have been, as a general rule, some of the dumbest damn dogs in the world. Part of this can probably be explained by the trend to breed Collies with narrower and narrower skulls, until their braincase is barely large enough for a limp egg noodle.
I’ve gotta make it up to the Westside market in Cleveland SOON, so I can rebacon properly. Half a dozen vendors specializing in smoked pork products….. that they make themselves.
Of course, the REALLY dangerous thing is discovering how easy it is to make your own, from scratch. Oh, bliss.
Whoever said/says that bacon is bad for you should be silenced.
This is just too damn funny. Speaking as a big-time lover of bacon and most anything with pork fat in it… just hilarious… and sooooooo true!