A Small Bit of Business Etiquette
Posted on May 20, 2008 Posted by John Scalzi 8 Comments
This is not something that I thought to mention before, but now is as good a time as any:
If you are wanting to engage me in some sort of business proposition, please e-mail me about it and don’t leave it on Whatever as a comment. First, while I’m happy to tell people what I’m doing after all the details have been hammered down, I don’t like handling offers and negotiations in public. Second, it’s just really unprofessional (why? See point one). Third, given that I have my contact information prominently listed here (it’s over in the sidebar, helpfully under the link that says “Contact Information”) it’s not at all difficult to find my e-mail address to contact me that way.
But I work for a branch of the Nigerian government and know of an account with 6.5 (six point five) million dollars in it, and if you’ll just send me your bank info…
Man, this is like business etiquette people should learn in grade school. Oh, by the way, since I have your attention John, I have some land I want to sell…
Please send me lots of money and free books. In return, I will buy you a beer should you ever visit New York City.
I have some into possession of a bridge in which you might be interested. Since I couldn’t find your contact information, I thought this would be a good place to ask.
Get back to me ASAP, okay, because I’ve got another buyer on the line… I mean who is interested.
And if you’re not interested in the bridge, I’ve still got that perpetual motion machine in the works. The project has moved right along and I’m looking for investors. It’s gonna be a license to print money I tell you!
John, I’ve figured out why flying saucers tend to disappear in a puff of smoke. They do this because they are made out of bread. Being made out of bread their great velocity means they burn up. My proposal, which I’ll need your help with, is to start making America’s flying saucers out of fruit cake. Fruit cake has superior heat ablative and absorption properties. Which means fruit cake is superior flying saucer construction material.
Write when you can and let’s see what we can work out.
Alan — The Interstellar Consortium On Dangerous Technologies long ago outlawed the use of fruitcake in the making of spaceships. The implications of accelerating material that dense and indestructible to near light speed leads to the creation of kinetic energy weapons the likes of which make even the Gliii tremble at the very thought. And the Gliii cheerfully loathe everyone. Including themselves. Never speak of such things again, or There Will Be Grave Consequences. Emphasis on Grave.
Meanwhile, enjoy a tasty fruitcake with a cup of coffee or a glass of cold milk. They really don’t deserve their bad rap as inedible, unless you’re making bad fruitcake. After all, you can ruin a filet mignon, too, but that doesn’t make all filet mignon bad.
Insofar as fruit cake is proto-scrif, accelerating it to relativistic velocities presents difficulties no known species has yet overcome. Invoking macro-quantum effects only makes them breed, and that nobody desires. The Burlug Incident was caused by a 3 pound pound cake traveling at 0..999C, an entirely different thing altogether. And since the Burlak had all evacuated their home world for a pest control project, the resulting stripping of Burlug’s atmosphere caused by the impact was actually beneficial.
Given how hazardous travel in spacecraft made of bread is, the current ban against spacecraft made of fruit cake is non-sensical.
Man. And I was going to offer you a deal where you give me money and I spend it. But I guess these fine gentlemen have beaten me to it.