I Never Trusted That Rat Bastard

Incontrovertible proof that Chuck E. Cheese in league with Al Qaeda:

Yes, that’s right, he’s performing a terrorist fist jab. But it’s not just that. He’s training our youth how to perform terrorist fist jabs! Look at that adorable moppet whom he is leading down the path of iniquity! Why, that tousle-haired child is performing that terrorist fist jab as if there’s nothing wrong with it at all. That’s how it starts. And what makes it worse: It’s from an ad on Nickelodeon this morning. Thousands of children were indoctrinated in terrorist hand signals in between episodes of Spongebob! This shall not stand.

Here’s a computer-enhanced version of the terrorist fist jab, so you can gaze up on it in all its incipient evil. Can you not see the menace that drips from the rodent’s curled fingers? Why does the rat wear fingerless gloves? All the better to fiddle with the bomb fixin’s, I say.

Clearly something must be done. First, I call for a ban on all future Chuck E. Cheese commercials, pending a review by a trusted committee of experts who will comb the spots for terrorist lingo, code and body movements (I suggest ED Hill, John Yoo and Antonin Scalia). Second, I suggest all Chuck E. Cheese locations be closed until such time as the FBI and Homeland Security can comb through them to look for clues for Bin Laden’s whereabouts (ever notice how much his “cave” looks like a Chuck E. Cheese animatronic stage?). Third, I suggest rendition with prejudice of Chuck E. Cheese himself. He’s animated, you know. That means he’s not a citizen. Heck, he’s not even real. He can’t possibly have habeas corpus rights. Scribeas corpus rights, possibly. But there ain’t nothing in the constitution about that.

Let’s get on it. Before the rat bastard indoctrinates yet another child. I know when Athena watched the commercial today, she said “their fists didn’t touch! They’re doing it wrong.” When even my own precious child knows the terrorist hand signs, we know we’ve let this go too far, for too long.

42 Comments on “I Never Trusted That Rat Bastard”

  1. Man, my two-year-old offered up a fist jab to his grandfather the other day, and he doesn’t even watch Spongebob (he’s an Elmo man). Al-Queda is recruiting in daycare now! Home school your children! It’s the only way to keep them safe from unwholesome terroristic thoughts and actions!

  2. Horia Nicola Ursu – I am an editor and translator, and also a former publisher at Millennium Books. I read, write, translate, edit and publish books. I also collect them. Own them. Possess them. Love them.

    looool! this just reminded me of jeff vandermeer’s chuck e cheese story!!!

  3. Came here from Twitter to see the Latin joke (yes, I’m a geek). Although I think it’s funnier and easier to get the way you wrote it, technically it should be scribes corpus. You see, scribo is first conjugation, not second, and therefore has -em, -es, -et in the subjunctive, not -eam, -eas, -eat.

    And if anyone wants to add adjectives to the phrase, let me hasten to mention that corpus is neuter.

    Lapsed Latin teacher powers…deactivate.

  4. I’m sorry, but I’m having a little trouble believing the REAL John Scalzi would believe this! There’s only one conclusion I can come to after reading this: a certain “news” television station infiltrated the Scalzi compound this morning and attached one of their Puppet Master slugs to his neck! NOOOOOOO!!!

    Of course, it could also just be vintage Scalzi sarcasm. Which is great, you know. It’s just that I can also see something like this ending up as an actual story on said news station (which shall remain nameless out of my fear they may track me down and accuse me of being a terrorist because I wore an orange shirt to work today).

  5. I missed something. Did someone take a terrorist potshot at Obama for doing that with his wife when he got the nom?

    And y’all, lock me up right now, because I know the correct term for the “fist jab”…it’s called giving dap. I am totally a terrorist.

  6. I believe it was Fox News that called Obama fist-bumping his wife (at her prompting) as a “terrorist fist jab.” I saw it on The Daily Show. My brain died a little when I saw it.

  7. Carol Elaine – Spend my days being creative with acting stuff & cleaning up after animals for money. Spend my evenings cleaning cat puke for free. 'Tis a glamorous life.
    Carol Elaine

    I agree that Chuck E. Cheese should be renditioned and all, but not because of the “terrorist” fist jab. He’s just freaking creepy.

    So glad my nieces and nephews are now too old to have birthday parties at that rat bastard’s “restaurants.” *shudder* I may have flashbacks for the rest of my life.

    Julia: Did someone take a terrorist potshot at Obama for doing that with his wife when he got the nom?

    Oh yes. Yes, they have. On Fox News, of all places!

  8. Why am I not surprised.

    Al Qaeda’s roots go deep, though. I’ve been giving dap since I was a child in the late 1980s. The proper protocol is as follows: If someone does something you appreciate, or shares an experience you know all too well, or a similar feeling of goodwill and camraderie, raise up your fist as seen in the Chuck E. Cheese commercial, and say “Gimme dap!” or simply “Dap!” The person should smile and give you dap with an encouraging phrase such as “Yeeeaaaah” or “Right on” or “Straight”.

    And then you apparently go bomb something? I missed that part.

  9. The first time I took my daughter to to C.E.C., I taught her to yell “Pizza Rat! Pizza Rat!” My wife’s family was not particularly amused . . . .

  10. @Julia: *of course* they did. Do y’think Mighty Whitey on the Other Side of the Aisle is gonna put up with the gangstas movin’ in on their ‘hood? And they can’t *say* that without Sharpton pulling the “R” word out of the hat… so they play the Universal Stink Card: HE’S A TARR’IST!

    I gotcher terrorism right here: It’s called Fair Elections. Strikes terror in the heart of fundamentalist pinheads worldwide.

    (OTOH: Chuck-E-Cheeze? Oughta be banned anyway. The pizza SUCKS…. not as bad as Domino’s, but still. They’re teaching our children to like sucky pizza! This cannot stand!

    Of course, if you’re in Trader Joe’s neighborhood, you can go get Real Dough and make it yourself… but who the heck cooks these days? *sigh*

  11. Well, it’s common knowledge that their “pizzas” are nothing more than sophisticated biological weapons. True, they’re slow acting, but the cumulative effects, once they reach the tipping point, are not pretty.

  12. Not to mention the fact that the animatronic animals are robo death soldiers in disguise. Where do you think the terminators will eventually come from?

  13. Crave pizza. Real pizza. Chicago stuffed pizza (and not that Uno’s Chicago deep dish stuff), a la Edwardo’s, Giordano’s, etc. Dare we call them “freedom pies?” I think so. Thank goodness Grand Rapids MI has Joe Chicago’s Pizza — we had one last week.

    The Rat Bastard Must Die. It’s the only decent democratic thing to do in a Right Thinking economy.

    Dr. Phil

  14. It’s just preparation for their later graduation to California Pizza Kitchen where they’re taught that you can put fruit on a pizza, like the Mango Chicken Tandoori ‘pizza’. Talk about undermining the American Way of Life!

  15. Chuck E. Cheese is obviously a terrorist, because his godawful pizza cannot be described as anything other than a crime against humanity.

  16. Re Dr. Phil At #20: Pizza place 3 blocks from my house used to have REAL pizza. Not a chain, totally indie. Named Possum Holler. Too bad it was not just a name. Damn health department & regulated meat laws. But at least they never dressed an employee as a possum.

  17. Boy this takes me back to my teenage years when I worked at Chuck E Cheese and had to dress up in that ridiculous costume to entertain the kiddies.
    I still can’t believe I did that for minimum wage!
    Spend a few minutes in that sweltering costume and you’ll be ready to kill someone. Thats probably where those nasty terrorist got their best ideas.

  18. I suggest all Chuck E. Cheese locations be closed until such time as the FBI and Homeland Security can comb through them to look for clues for Bin Laden’s whereabouts

    Er, we really need a reason? Can’t we just close them for, oh, the sake of humanity? For crimes against pizza?

  19. Sadly it’s just a matter of time before Fox news anchor begin to think that everything is related to Terrosim. In envision a glorious future in which brushing one’s teeth, hugging our children, eating cereal and mowing the lawn are all attributed to terorrism.

  20. Ari, Fox News will teach you TEH TROOOF!

    Also, people with beards can be terrists. Don’t trust them.

    *notices reflection*


  21. Ari & Julia,

    The “terrorist fist jab” thing seems to have originated with either Cal Thomas or a commenter on a column of his at Human Events, reading, apparently, thusly:

    “Michelle is not as ‘refined’ as Obama at hiding her TRUE feelings about America—etc. Her ‘Hezbollah’ style fist-jabbing …”

    Slate originally said it was Thomas and then said it was a commenter, but the original remark seems to have disappeared (responses in the comment section remain), so it’s tough to see who there originally said it.

    Fox News talking head E.D. Hill seems to have picked up on that. Media Matters summarizes her moment of infamy this way:

    Summary: Teasing a segment on the “gesture everyone seems to interpret differently,” Fox News’ E.D. Hill said: “A fist bump? A pound? A terrorist fist jab? … We’ll show you some interesting body communication and find out what it really says.” In the ensuing discussion with a “body language expert,” Hill referred to the “Michelle and Barack Obama fist bump or fist pound,” but at no point did she explain her earlier reference to “a terrorist fist jab.”

    She lost her show out of it but remains with the network in some capacity.

  22. I have doomed my sons to a life in caves and camps. We do a pair of vertical bumps, a horizontal bump, and then a high-five. I suppose that I should have sent them straight to Guantanamo myself after I taught them:

    Sam. Nay, as they dare. I will bite my thumb at them; which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

    Abr. Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

    Sam. I do bite my thumb, sir.

    Abr. Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

    Sam. Is the law of our side, if I say—ay?

    Gre. No.

    Sam. No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir; but I bite my thumb, sir.

  23. It’s a shame. Sad. I used to like C.E.C. I use to go all the time. I couldn’t wait until my nieces or nephews had a b-day, hell I’d take em just for the hell of it. Now after all this time I find out I was supporting Terrorist. I don’t know what to do. Chuck damn you for fooling me DAMN YOU and I thought you were cool.

    I SAY BAN C.E.C. anyone with me (holds fist straight out)

  24. I’ve been laughing right along with everyone else but then had a rather sobering thought.
    Fox News thinks we’re gullible enough to believe this.
    No that’s not it.
    There actually are people gullible enough to believe Fox News. That’s the one that just depresses the crap out of me.

    I keep hoping for something better.

  25. On the other hand, the last time I had to go to CEC’s the damn skeeball machines were all broken and I say


  26. Steve, I much appreciate the full lowdown with linkage. My god, it’s even sadder than I thought it was! I was at the theatre tonight for rehearsal and gave everyone terrorist fist jabs while telling them what it was…we were all terrorists tonight! And when theatre gets in on the terrorism…humanity is doomed. Seriously, you guys, do you really want another A Little Night Music? (Although since that’s the show we’re doing right now…)

  27. Kind-of off topic, but… that’s supposed to be a rat?

    Huh. No, this is a rat. Rats have long pointy noses. And whiskers. And their ears emerge from the top of their heads, not the sides (unless they’re dumbo rats, in which case they don’t stick up at all).

    If that’s supposed to be a rat, whoever designed it was too scared of people’s rat phobias to actually make it look like one.

  28. crotchetyoldfan – The Crotchety Old Fan is Steve Davidson, also know as Rimworlder on many SF forums. Steve maintains the Rim Worlds Concordance project which is devoted to the works of A. Bertram Chandler and his most enduring character - Commodore John Grimes of the Rim Worlds Naval Reserve. Grimes is science fiction’s original ‘Horatio Hornblower of Space’. More information about Chandler, Grimes and the Rim Worlds can be found at www.rimworlds.com. Steve also maintains a visual index of volume 1, number 1 pulp science fiction magazines on the same website and is a devoted collector of the same. ‘I’m an ‘old’ SF fan, which you can take whichever way you like, as I love the old masters (Heinlein, Clarke, Asimov, E.F. Russell, Piper, Cordwainer Smith) and I’m well beyond the age you’re not supposed to trust anymore’. This blog is devoted to an investigation of the growing divide between ‘old’ - or ‘classic’ science fiction and the moderan literary genre that is currently sold under the same name. Steve has also begun writing reviews for www.SFReader.com, expects to be doing the same for www.SFSignal.com, and is contributing various non-fiction pieces to various other websites, all of them concerned with science fiction of one stripe or another. Early in 2008 he became completely disappointed with the SciFi Channel and created The Classic Science Fiction Channel website that gathers links to public domain radio, television, film and literary properties. Steve had a successful non-fiction writing career - writing articles and books dealing primarily with the paintball industry (Four books and several hundred articles including editorializing, product reviews, sports reporting, educational and more) - which he has since given up in favor of blogging and fiction. (Leaving the paintball industry after 25 years.) One final book on this subjected is scheduled to be released in early 2009 (A Parent's Guide To Paintball). Current work on fiction includes several completed novellettes/novellas curently in submission hell and various chapters of three novels. Freely distributed current work - including several chapters of a science fiction/paintball novel and a pulp/comic book/fairy tale mashup can be found on his website.
    steve davidson

    “Clearly SOMETHING Must Be Done.”

    I strongly urge the Department of Homeland Security to add the following to their ‘internal border security checkpoint’ protocol.

    After asking “Are you a US citizen?” they should then ask

    “Have you been to a Chuck E Cheese today?”

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