I Never Trusted That Rat Bastard
Incontrovertible proof that Chuck E. Cheese in league with Al Qaeda:
Yes, that’s right, he’s performing a terrorist fist jab. But it’s not just that. He’s training our youth how to perform terrorist fist jabs! Look at that adorable moppet whom he is leading down the path of iniquity! Why, that tousle-haired child is performing that terrorist fist jab as if there’s nothing wrong with it at all. That’s how it starts. And what makes it worse: It’s from an ad on Nickelodeon this morning. Thousands of children were indoctrinated in terrorist hand signals in between episodes of Spongebob! This shall not stand.
Here’s a computer-enhanced version of the terrorist fist jab, so you can gaze up on it in all its incipient evil. Can you not see the menace that drips from the rodent’s curled fingers? Why does the rat wear fingerless gloves? All the better to fiddle with the bomb fixin’s, I say.
Clearly something must be done. First, I call for a ban on all future Chuck E. Cheese commercials, pending a review by a trusted committee of experts who will comb the spots for terrorist lingo, code and body movements (I suggest ED Hill, John Yoo and Antonin Scalia). Second, I suggest all Chuck E. Cheese locations be closed until such time as the FBI and Homeland Security can comb through them to look for clues for Bin Laden’s whereabouts (ever notice how much his “cave” looks like a Chuck E. Cheese animatronic stage?). Third, I suggest rendition with prejudice of Chuck E. Cheese himself. He’s animated, you know. That means he’s not a citizen. Heck, he’s not even real. He can’t possibly have habeas corpus rights. Scribeas corpus rights, possibly. But there ain’t nothing in the constitution about that.
Let’s get on it. Before the rat bastard indoctrinates yet another child. I know when Athena watched the commercial today, she said “their fists didn’t touch! They’re doing it wrong.” When even my own precious child knows the terrorist hand signs, we know we’ve let this go too far, for too long.