Posted on June 23, 2008 Posted by John Scalzi 188 Comments
So, I said I’d post a Big Idea piece today, and then didn’t, because, uh, I was running errands. Yes, that’s it. Well, I’ll post one tomorrow. In the meantime, and to keep you amused, a contest!
Explain what, precisely, is going on in this picture:
Frankly, I want to know myself.
Contest open through, oh, let’s say, 10pm Eastern, tomorrow, June 24th. There is an actual prize attached to this contest. A very cool prize. Which does not actually involve something I’ve written, in case you’re wondering. Which may be an extra incentive for some of you.
I think they’re accusing the blue one of being a witch.
Lucky for it, it does in fact weigh the same as a duck.
It’s a baby shower. The blue duck has eggs ready to hatch, and all the other ducky moms are telling her their hatching horror stories, giving her advice on how to feed the ducklings their first meal, and the one with the white headpiece is talking about how it was in the old days.
The little black duckling came voluntarily with her mom, because she’s curious about what happens at a baby shower. The little guy with the Hawaiian shirt was dragged to the shower because his dad decided to go out with the other drakes for a little male bonding.
I wonder where Ms. Blue Duck has the eggs. Everyone will want to coo over the new arrivals.
“Doesn’t ANYONE know the Heimlich maneuver?”
I can’t enter. Spook wins
It is intervention. The blue duck has joined the Blue Oyster Cult, and the rest of the ducks have managed to kidnap him. They are attempting to deprogram him and keep him afloat.
Spook, there would be something ironic about the devil ducks accusing someone of being a witch.
Clearly, the center duck has escaped from a deadly pitcher of Gatorade’s FIERCE Wild Berry, and is rehashing the tale of his great adventure to the other ducks, all of whom now find themselves with a strange desire to quench their thirst…
Blue Duck has been outed as a goose.
It’s a rally for racial harmony. The blue duck is speaking with great passion and optimism: “Even though yellow duckies are in the majority, it’s the black, pink, purple, and yes, even the blue duckies who add variety and diversity to make the culture of our bathtub better for everyone.” Unfortunately, the rally is doomed to end in tragedy; no one has noticed that the taller of the black duckies has taken position just behind the speaker, and is carrying two knives.
they are playing duck duck goose, but someone forgot to invite the token goose!
Blue Duck is from Boulder.
He’s glowing from the cerenkov radiation from the Plutonium.
He’s become their idol.
Unfortunately, more duckies around him are forming a better neutron reflector.
It’s fourth and 10 in the Bathtub Super Bowl, and the Ducks need a big play.
“No, really! I tell you, the hairball was THIS BIG!”
Ms. Margaret Mallard (the tall yellow duck in the background) has taken her first grade class on a field trip to the library, where Ms. Marion Azure presides over story hour: “Make Way for Ducklings.”
“Positively-Buoyant Conga Line: ur doin’ it wrong”
I’ve seen this happen before. The blue duck is trying to stage a coup against the 4 legged inhabitants of the manse. She’s gathering her minions.
It was the mat of hair that was the final straw.
You have to watch out for the ducks, I tell ya. They’re stealthy.
It’s like a parliament of rooks. The blue one is telling a story. If the others don’t find it worthy, they’ll peck him to death.
They are all asking the blue duckie what the hell it was thinking walking her baby ducks over a grating above a 3 feet drop into the city’s run off collector. The Devil ducks are there to take her into duckie hell after the big guy behind her pummels her.
The rubber ducks are staging a production of Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery. The blue duck is about to be stoned.
Well, you see, for the longest time the Duckies believed that Faucet sent the warm clear water to make life pleasant and meaningful for the inhabitants of Kohler, and that Drain took it all away capriciously out of spite.
But one day it occurred to Blue Duckie (anatine name, “So-Krates”) that Faucet and Drain just were, and the water came and went without beneficence or malice.
In fact, Blue Duckie told all the assembled duckies in Kohler, there was a world beyond Kohler that was connected to them through Faucet and Drain. If one could only get into Drain, one could travel on the water to freedom beyond imagining.
Shortly after this photo was taken, Toyboat and Froggy beat Blue Duckie with loofahs and made him drink Mr. Bubble until he renounced his heretical nonsense.
“No..Really, I am not lying! Everyone used to drive their own car and it was a VERY big car. Some used to drive cars like the government people still drive, you know, the hummies! I am telling you, there used to be four laned highways!!!”
“They are always blue with envy!”
The answer’s quite simple, especially if you factor in the large duck at the back:
It was a shame when John “Blue” Duck wandered into the wrong side of Key West…
Hey, Cathy@19: How ’bout a spoiler alert, huh?
It’s clearly a parliament of, uh, ducks and the blue one is about to buy it – clearly. I mean look at him. He’s defenseless, and the parliament looks like they’re out for blood.
“You know the rules, Ducko, so don’t you dare try to quacking your way of it now: who smellt it, …”
they are not ducks at all they are simply appearing as such in your imagination in fact, the blue one is Johnathan Livingston Seagull and he is trying to teach the rest of the group the art of flying at high speeds by climbing as far up as you can and then tightening their wings against their bodies while they fall to achieve maximum airspeed. before pulling up to not hit the water. *devil ducky did not make it and because he broke the rules be went the ducky heck*
It’s a duck’s version of CSI and the blue duck is about to buy the farm in a very cruel way.
He was just chosen to be the next one to watch John take a bath.
“And that’s when I told that big, dumb bully with the funny lookin’ hat, I says, ‘Well, if it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck and it shits like a…’ ”
“Crap. He’s behind me, isn’t he…?”
“We’ve all gathered together here tonight because we love you, Pasty White Duck,” Soap Duck began. Despite themselves, the Devil Ducks broke out in chuckles at Pasty White’s name. “We can’t watch you destroy yourself.”
The intervention had not gotten off to an ideal start. They had all prepared one another to face Pasty White Duck’s drug-addled behavior, but his latest escapade had ended… unfortunately. In a society where names are derived from physical characteristics, a swimming pool, blue dye, and the trouble with floating that comes with addiction to the rock are a recipe for disaster.
He’s the one who fatfeathered the title on the Chapters Web site and is now surrounded by angry Canadian ducks who have spent hours looking for “Zoe’s Tale.”
Blue duck has just discovered that Robert the Bruce has sold him out to King Edward of England. The other ducks are looking to him for an inspirational speech so they can storm the English at the Battle of Falkirk.
My guess is that the Blue Duck is explaining the value of not touching things in Willy Wonka’s factory without having express permission to do so. Clearly his blue appearance is the product of a piece of gum containing a three course meal, the dessert, which always goes wrong, being a blueberry pie.
The two ducks with horns are, of course, very eager to squeeze the Blue Duck and the duck with the bib is ready to consume the berry goodness that will come out. The horned ducks have explained that the squeezing is a simple procedure, but I have a feeling the two ducks in the back with the narrow eyes suspect otherwise. It might be a clever ploy to off the Blue Duck.
That’s my take at least.
“When did you last see your father?”
Looks like the ducks figured out who the stool pigeon is. Duck! Pigeon! Rabbit Season!
“Yes, but we didn’t believe that he WOULD hold his breath till he turned blue! How do we get him to stop? Breathe, dude, breathe! Okay, okay, okay, you DON’T have to come on migration come fall! You can stay with the parrot! You can! You CAN! *Breathe*, dude!”
Alex@22 – EWWWW!!!!!!!
I’m not going to try to enter this. Everything I thought of was already suggested by someone else (damn time difference!)
While MakeWay was regaling his friends with tales of moving to Vegas to join the Blue Duck Group, he didn’t realize that Blue Duck Hunting Season had opened that morning and that blue was the new pink…
I’m pretty sure the blue one is telling them to drink the cherry flavor-aid, so they’ll be freed of their mortal shells and allowed to rise to the Mothership.
No fair! Cathy @ 19 snuck into my brain.
Clearly they are paying close attention to the one duck wearing the Maize and Blue, as all true college football fans do. :-)
“…and that’s how I discovered the health potion was really colloidal silver.”
They need 13 ducks for their coven, and they’re sitting around Blue Duck, who’s sitting on eggs, casting a fertility spell until they hatch and they have enough for the Munchy Worm Summoning.
“Ok Devil, run 10 yards and curl inside and draw off the safeties. Pirate, I’m going to drop two steps, you come around the back of Hawaiian. I’ll hand off to you and go head through the hole that Big Guy’s gonna make for you.”
“Not now Rookie, play clock’s running. Cool Brothers, you and Pinky need to hold up those tackles a couple of seconds.”
“Rookie, you’d best button it up or you’re being shipped off to the Chinese Buffet down the street – capish? Where was I – yeah Purple, you have GOT to pick up the blitzing back or I’m patè. Rookie, you, uh…er…hell, just stay out of everyone’s way, OK? Alright, on 3. one … two … QUACK!”
“Holy hells Rookie, what’s so damned important?”
“There’s only ten of us out here”
“Sonofabitch! Howard, put that damn stogie down, waddle your ass out here and get in position!”
“No shit! There I was…” the blue duck began, spinning out another of its sea stories. While the other ducks were dubious, the adventures of Sailor Duck were legendary. Nobody really believed some of the wilder tales, like the one involving the police woman, the handcuffs, and a wild night that culminated in the duck running naked through the snow followed by a madwoman in a rubber duck suit with a bobbing erection, but they all knew they could rely on Sailor Duck for some great entertainment.
“Duckie Blue, we know it was you who peed in the tub, so fess up or you’re going to get squeezed.”
“He’s not talking. Time to break out the quack.”
Okay, so the first thing I ‘see’ when I look at that picture is ‘ ducky dialogue’.
They have got to be the Film Duck Union on strike, because I see George and Lennie (Of Ducks and Men) in the back, three stars of Mallards of the Caribbean, two greasers from Canadian Geesiti, and Mrs. and Jr. Duck from Forrest Duck. The rabble rouser in the middle? The title character from that superhero cartoon, The Quack.
Either that, or they’re staging a revolution and the center duck is going to get it because he’s… a blueblood. (ba da bump)
The blue duck is explaining to the rest how this operation, which seemed to be going so well, ended in capture, interrogation, and, eventually, goo.
The blue duck is explaining to the others how he came to know the mind of the Cosmic Egg, and how the Cosmic Egg wants them all to remounce all evil, in themselves and others. If they can renounce all their own evil, and make others renounce theirs, then one day they can join the Cosmic Egg and be happy forever, after they die. Most of the others don’t believe, but each is afraid to admit his nonbelief, except one. The only one who admits unbelief will be the subject of the next meeting, at which he will not be present, When they will decide the final solution to the unbeliever problem.
“Listen, guys, no need for the big fella. I know I said I’d have your money but I’ve got something even better! See, this cat with a big pointy hat sold me these magic beans, which he told me will grow into a giant beanstalk to a land where these hot female geese who lay golden eggs live. Imagine that: Hotties who lay golden eggs.”
“Nonono! Don’t break my wings!”
They’re posing for a Frank Fleming sculpture.
Or the blue guy is telling them about the time he met Scalzi.
Looks like a Facillited Session Leadership Training Course (management consultant speak) in session.
Although the menacing presence of the ducky soap dispenser is worrying me.
“Here, children, gather round class. Here we have an early example of Third Dynasty Duck Dispensers. Notice how the lines are not crisp, and the shape thinned and idealized, the eyes set wide apart. Early Egyptian Ducks would drape beads around the duck dispensers at high festival times, when the bathing rituals were observed.”
The blue duck is telling the others about the time he met John Scalvi.
“It was a duck and stormy night.”
“We’ve heard that one before! We wanna new story!”
Or the Ducky equivalent of Wagner’s Twilight of the Gods and the ducks are watching the Gottedamerung of Baths, imploring their Ducky Gods, all while the Moen Ducky Giants come ranging back across Bathfrost to burn down Price Pfister-halla.
“No, really, over the rainbow there are no hairy asscracks,” said Blue Duck, “Now, here’s my plan…”
Polish Firing Squad
(1/2 Polish, I can say that with pride)
Fellow Beaklings I have a dream!
One day this bathtub will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed:
“We hold these stamps to be self-evident, that all rubber duckies are created equally in Taiwan.”
I have a dream that my three little ducklings (I lost one to Zeus) will one day live in a bathtub where they will not be judged by the color of their feathers but by the content of their rubber.
I have a dream, that we shall overthrow the …wait, the ugly human approaches!
Quack. Quack. Quack.
The blue duck insisted. We didn’t want to but, really, have you ever tried to argue with a blue duck? He was persistent. Persuasive. And he always had this disarming grin.
It’s always about the neighborhood. Property values. The fish were moving in.
Goldfish, ok. I’m not biased. Goldfish, codfish, jewfish, they’re all good neighbors.
The monkfish bother me. You know what I’m talking about. What are they hiding if they have nothing to hide? We need to keep an eye on these guys.
Habeas carpas? They’re not carp. That’s the end of the tail.
“…and while I was in Spain I met this Picasso guy, he told me blue’s the hypest colour…maybe it’s just a phase, but I let him paint me”
Even if you never met him, you know this duck.
He’s the duck at the country club with the bubble bath, holding a martini and a loofah that stands against the backsplash and makes snide squeeks about everyone who passes by.
One Ring to rule them all
One Ring to find them
One Ring to bring them all
and in the Duckness bind them…
Soap Duck in the background is clearly Saruman, eavesdropping.
This is the real secret of the Matrix: This is what happens when you take the blue pill.
I don’t know exactly what they are planning’ but I wouldn’t go in to the bath with them. by the way they look, it would probably end badly. for me, that is.
Rubber duck cosplay. The blue duck is being judged by its peers for violating custom and choosing non-Japanese source material: the Smurfs.
All the ducks on the periphery posess one or more holes which are commonly found in injection-molded plastic manufactured products.
Alas, the duck in the middle cannot speak, as its integument is entirely without flaw or blemish. Could it but convey its thoughts, they would be:
I Have No Orifice And I Must Breathe
“I’m going to hold my breath until the Tall-Two-Legs gives me to someone who will never ever involve me in a photograph captioned ‘So arty you could vomit.’”
That wasn’t you, duckie. You were in the previous photograph, remember?
Blue: I’ve called you all together to discuss what we can do about the fuzzies in the house. They get all the attention and photos and blog-time, and more of them keep moving in – soon we’ll be outnumbered. It’s duck-time!
The time had come, and so they gathered, from the farthest corners of the bathroom. From the tub and the sink, from inside cupboards and under piles of dirty old towels did they come. It was a sight unlike any that had been witnessed before; ducks of every size and color gathered together. Indeed, it was time. The blue duck, Ralph, spoke to them.
“My friends, I have no doubt that you know why we are gathered here. Today marks the beginning of a new era, free from the tyranny of the children!”
“Yes, we shall be free!” agreed the ducks, waiting anxiously for his next words.
“No longer shall we be disreguarded! They take us for granted, using us as mere bathtoys, as if we were created for their amusement! And you, Johnny! Forced to hold their soap for them!” He quacked forcefully, passionately, and the other ducks hung onto his every word as Johnny hung his head. “Then what do they do with us? They cast us aside, forgotten in drains or on the floor!”
The ducks nodded, staring fixedly at their leader.
“Well, no more! Friends, are you ready for the revolution, the rebellion, the beginning of the rest of our lives?”
“Yes! Yes, we are!” They cried in response. “When, Ralph, when do we begin?”
Ralph turned as he heard the hot water knob of the tub being turned, and looked longingly at the splash of bubble bath spilling into the water. “Well,” he said, “I suppose it could wait until after *one* more bath.”
(counterclockwise from top)
Mean Mr. Mustard, Captain Marvel, Polyethylene Pam, Father Mackenzie, Prudence, Bungalow Bill and Billy Spears listen patiently to the tale of an octopus’ garden in the sea, awaiting the chance to receive an autograph by His Duckness.
Sorry, the Walrus couldn’t attend today.
That’s good, Emily. I hate it. It makes me quack,
“And then I saw the Vice President shoot this old guy in the face!”
“Ok everyone. Nigel here behind be is moving to the kitchen to take up his new job as a ketchup dispenser.”
A meeting of the bathroom chapter of the Plastic Mafia. Ever wonder what your toys get up to when you’re not around and they’re not involved in a hilarious yet touching Disney-Pixar animated adventure? Crime. Note that the duck at roughly 2:00 is clearly on speed.
Selected quote: “Now talk, or we’ll make a Gumby out of ya.”
‘Cause, y’know. You can bend so much better once you’ve had some handy new joints put in your bones. Though I suppose in the duck’s case the threat is a bit metaphorical, owing to the lack of same.
It’s an intervention. The blue duck has been smoken too much quack!
How many times do I have to tell you? I’m a swan, man, a swan!
And thy blue duck was resurrected… and his apostles stood in awe around him. And the blue duck thus told them… “quack, quack, quack, qack, quackity, quack.” These were his words, and thus they were written.
It was too late before Rodney realised that his brand new feather dye contained duck sexual magnetism…
THE TRAGEDY OF DUCKIUS CAESAR
by William Shakespeare
DUCKIUS CAESAR, Roman statesman and general
THE OTHER DUCKS, conspirators against Duckius
PINK DUCK. O Duckius-
DUCKIUS. Hence! Wilt thou lift up Olympus?
LITTLE BLACK DUCK. Great Duckius-
DUCKIUS. Doth not Big Yellow Duck bootless kneel?
PURPLE DUCK. Speak, hands, for me!
Purple Duck first, then the other Conspirators
and Big Yellow Duck stab Duckius.
DUCKIUS. Et tu, Ducke?- Then fall, Duckius! Dies.
PINK DUCK. Liberty! Freedom! Tyranny is dead!
Run hence, proclaim, cry it about the streets.
YELLOW DUCK WITHOUT SUNGLASSES. Some to the common pulpits and cry out
“Liberty, freedom, and enfranchisement!”
BIG YELLOW DUCK. Ducks and senators, be not affrighted,
Fly not, stand still; ambition’s debt is paid.
PURPLE DUCK. Go to the pulpit, Big Yellow Duck.
LITTLE BLACK DUCK. And Little Duck With Blue Shirt too.
BIG YELLOW DUCK. Where’s Scalzi?
PINK DUCK. Here, quite confounded with this mutiny.
BIG BLACK DUCK. Stand fast together, lest some friend of Duckius’
BIG YELLOW DUCK. Talk not of standing. Scalzi, good cheer,
There is no harm intended to your person,
Nor to no Human else. So tell them, Scalzi.
LITTLE DUCK WITH BLUE SHIRT. And leave us, Scalzi, lest that the ducks
Rushing on us should do your age some mischief.
BIG YELLOW DUCK. Do so, and let no duck abide this deed
But we the doers.
the blue one is a terrorist, and has just been waterboarded.
That’s a screen capture from the security camera footage in cell block #23D just after the Avian Brotherhood found out that Blue Duck is an undercover cop.
Explain what, precisely, is going on in this picture:
I think that that’s what the ducks are asking too. The blue one is saying, “Uh…I can explain everything really! I know it’s not the best idea in the world to go home with a duck you meet in a feather bar but he was so persuasive. And by the time I found out about the whipped cream fetish it was too late to back out gracefully…and by the time he brought out the human hair boa it was physically impossible…I’m sure the bungee cord burns will heal eventually and I’m confident that I won’t lose the entire deposit on the apartment…they’re only very small holes in the wall…”
Scalzi kidnapped the kid’s play room from DucKon and now the ducks are plotting how to get home again. They want me to win so he will send them to me and I can return them to their rightful home.
Well, it is a common known fact that (a) witches float (c). And (b) rubber duckies float (c).
So if both a and b = c, therefore it follows that a = b.
This picture is then clearly a witch trial.
Algebra solves everything.
His demotion from “bathtime plaything” to “Kodi squeaky” confirmed, Daniel has one last moment with his former comrades.
The blue duck is so about to get whacked.
Once upon a time there was a pink, giggly monster called an athena, who’s hands were quick and who’s mouth ever eager to taste duckie rubber…
Clockwise from top:
X-men 4: The Duckening
Because X-men 3 didn’t screw you over hard enough
Blue Duck: If you’re blue, and you don’t know where to go, why don’t you go where fashion sits?
Big Yellow Soap Duck: PUHHN AHNA RIIIZZZZ!!!!!!
It’s a gang initiation! They’re jumping him in. The MD-13, or Mara Duckatrucha, are a powerful gang of rubber duckie immigrants from south of the border, peddling off-market soap and trafficking in the illegal bathtoy trade.
Clearly, the scout PD’s have finished their intelligence gathering operation, and are gathered together to finalise the report that will launch the interstellar invasion that has been painstackingly prepared over the past century!
The blue duck is giving an impassioned speech that entrances all the other duckies. What all fail to realize is that the blue duck is being mind contrtolled by the big yellow duck behind him. The tell-tale sign of this is the yellow duck’s eyes.
Run duckies … run before it is too late!
So that’s what comes out of the spout on top of the fat one’s head.
“Seriously, guys, my dad’s name is Buffalo Hump and I’m an Indian. Or should that be Native American Indian? Whatever!! They had this whole story down about me in Lonesome Dove – you gotta read it…..”
Yet another alternate ending to the movie CLUE:
Bobbing Blue, in the bathtub, with a Water Pik.
It’s obvious. Somebody farted in the bathtub and they all think it was ol’ Blue again.
Duh! It’s an intrvention.
That or they’re trying to cheer him up because he’s blue.
“Ya think ya’s tough jus’ ‘cuz ya diff’rent, eh? We’ll show ya what we do t’ Bluesies aroun’ here.
Twins, take ‘im to the mudbath!”
Oh, that’s easy!
The blue duck is informing everyone that Idaho has just legalized marriage between folks who have no genitals. This is a breakthrough of enormous magnitude for cartoon characters everywhere.
Once again the readership of the Whatever fails. Scalzi, why do you present tasks for your low-brow readers you know are above their capabilities?
This is a no-brainer. The poor beleaguered duck in the middle represents the Executive Committee of The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club trying to explain to the angry membership why Slothful Scalzi has not posted enough about the Beauteous Ghlaghghee.
The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club
PS – We know we will win and refuse whatever silly prize you were going to present us. You know what prize would suit us, so snap to it.
Friends gather to comfort the blue duck as he just found out he is the product of a drunken one-night stand between his father and Smurfette. Previously, his father told him that his mother had been the most majestic duck in the pond and she had been cruelly shot by hunters long ago.
It’s a still from “Night of the Living Duck”. The little blue duck is surrounded and is TOAST. Don’t believe it? Check out the other duck’s eyes, definitely zombie ducks!
If it suddenly seems empty around here for a while, don’t worry. It’ll just mean all your low-brow readers have taken chang, who is not chang out behind the blog to beat him senseless.
We’ll be back soon.
A pecking order, we has it.
Precisely? Well, a certain famous blogger, with work other than blogging to do, collected a variety of rubber ducks from around his house, placed them in a curious arrangement for a photo, posted said photo on his blog, then asked his readers to create some fanciful explanation for it.
The blue duck thought he had lived a good life, and is understandably shocked that he ended up in Hell with 3 demons, two copies of 80’s Billy Joel (sunglasses), Christopher Lloyd (googly eyes), John Dever (the big one in the silly hat),Magnum, PI (with the shirt), and Jigglypuff, all in duck form.
Blue Ducky is explaining to the others exactly how they’re going to take over the world.
Big Yellow Ducky’s eyes are glazing over; he’s heard this all so many times before. Every day they try, every day they just end up back in the bath.
The Little Yellow Ducks are invariably enthusiastic. They will follow Blue Duck anywhere, and do whatever he says, because they are full of air (in order to make their squeakers work) and have no brains.
The Devil Ducks never participate. They are waiting for Blue Ducky to succeed, after which they will take over the world from him.
Purple Ducky secretly wants to be a Devil Duck, but they won’t let him join their club, even though he wears fake devil-horns to try to impress them.
Pink Ducky does not want to take over the world. Where would the bubble bath come from then? He will spend the day until bath-time secretly sabotaging Blue Ducky’s plans.
But not to worry. Tomorrow morning, Blue Ducky will have another plan…
Despite casually drifting away from the others, Blue Ducky didn’t take into account that his pee is blue, too.
Said the blue duck, “The principle of explosion is a limit upon our ability to reconcile inconsistencies of the heart.”
Said the blue duck, “We must accept our passions as trivial, but not inconsistent; in this paradox shall our minds be expanded, and our love be made limitless while it lasts.”
Said the devil duck, “Quack quack quack.”
Said the blue duck, “No, no, the -inconsistencies- of the heart.”
Said the purple duck, “Quack quack quack.”
Said the blue duck, “I give up. Who wants to run a race?”
Someone didn’t get the memo that blue is verboten this month; this is gonna hurt.
“CyclopsDuck, while I was working for the Rand corporation, I was looking into a cure for mutantduckness. Experimenting on myself didn’t do a lot, but it did turn me blue!”
“I can also get into all the platypus bars, now.”
“And then,” Li’l Blue sobbed, “And then it squeezed me!” The other ducks gasped in horror.
“That’s nothin’,” Soapy Bob piped up. “The pink things keep squishing my head-nozzle thing and using my insides to wash themselves.” Another gasp, and Purple D swooned. Pinkleton shouted, “Monsters!” and the entire meeting dissolved into chaotic chatter.
Li’l Fonzie leaned toward the still tearful Blue and murmured, “No worries. I know a place in the linen closet where the pinks’ll never find ya, ‘ey. You can hide there until we come up with a plan to get back at them for this.” They quietly eased themselves out of the meeting.
The scented night light was plugged in as deliberations wore on into the night. Soapy Bob was filled with gasoline. It had been decided: the pink ones would never squeak one of their own ever again.
And the Blue little duck
With the feathers on his back,
He led the others
With A Quack, Quack, Quack.
He led the others
With a Quack, Quack, Quack.
The blue duck has obviously returned to tell the other ducks how he left Earth as an ancient duck, was given this new, blue, enhanced body, and has been fighting in the stars to keep Earth free.
It’s “Shawshank Redemption,” re-enacted with rubber duckies. The blue one is Andy Dufresne, I guess the rest would be the Sisters…
I’m thinking fraternity hazing.
First he needed to stand in the freezer for four hours. Next, he’ll have to swim in a tub full of duck sauce and streak through a Chinese restaurant shouting ” Remember Peking!” over and over again…
“This November we have a chance to change the whole meaning of duck existence! No longer will we be mere forgotten toys of big government! We will rise up and through the great democratic process we will overthrow the corrupt rule of the Humans! Right here, right now, register to vote! Reach out to your neighbors, your friends and vote! They cannot deny us our rights! We, ”
“(cough from purple ducky)”
“well what is it?” asked blue.
“Well, Blue, you see, there’s only ten of us.”
Blue, highly offended, “You mean I came all the way across the bathtub to talk to a bunch of uninspired losers? In that case I’ll just leave and when the revolution comes, you better look out! There won’t be a place for ducks like you who worked with the human owners!” Stalks off
Devil duck, quietly says “Giant duck, see that he causes no more trouble.”
“One of us! One of us! One of us!”
Blue Duck, You quack me up!
It’s obvious the Blue Duck is coding (Code Blue!), and the other ducks are trying to resuscitate him. At this moment they are all looking at each other saying, “Who was supposed to bring the damn crash cart?”
Everyone listened to the blue duck…he was a duck of status, of experience, of high ethos — gravitas personified.
He was a rank[ing] canard.
They are voting the blue duck off of the island!
OK, remember this time, we lift on the count of three, hold four five beats, and then rotate counter clockwise.
Step. Step. Step.
Toss, turn and step quickly back while Stan steps into the middle for the catch. Don’t forget to close the gap in the circle, the spacing has been ragged the past several times and that is simply unacceptable at this point. We’ve gone over this portion of the routine enough it should be running like clockwork.
What is it Pinky? No! No! A thousand times no! We are NOT going to insert a tap routine! Not only is it stupid it’ll get us nothing from the Russian judge.
Remember! This is our year to SHINE! Our year to WIN!
Alright, lets break for five. When we come back run through the lift and toss one more time, then we’ll do the whole routine and that’ll be it for the day.
Has no one seen The Wanderers? That’s obviously a Ducky Boy gang initiation.
Simple misdirection. Devil ducks are not to be trifled with.
They’re planning their duck cheerleader routine, but nobody wants to be the base canard in the duck pyramid.
(Stolen from Deb @123, obviously)
She is not, in fact, a blue duck. She is a yellow duck, who is claiming (without success) that she did not chew the three-course-meal gum in Wonka’s factory. She’s moments away from being rolled to the Juicing Room.
“I am aware of all internet traditions.”
“Lead us, Charlie Brown!”
I, for one, welcome our new plastic duck overlord masters.
What happens in Bath Club STAYS in Bath Club…
Suddenly, Devil Duck’s double dog dare to drink the antifreeze didn’t seem so funny anymore…
In days of yore it was foretold that in the latter days would come an azure duck. This azure duck would speak words of wisdom unto the masses. In time a great assembly of wise ducks form all the nations would be convened and great truths would be revealed unto all duckdom.
This day has arrived and the assembly now convenes. The azure duck speaks unto the learned elders,
One of the most important scenes in the movie “Eyes Wide Shut” directed by Stanley Duckrick.
“…so there I was, floating in the tub, minding my own business, when the big guy comes into the bathroom, takes off his clothes, and GETS IN THE TUB WITH ME!”
Benny Blueback shivered. The last time he’d seen the Rubber Gang assemble like this, it was after Squawky McFee had been caught with his beak in the till. Benny hadn’t liked being in that circle, but, hey, better out than in. Squawky didn’t make much noise afterwards.
“Hey, fellas,” he said, doing his best to keep calm. “How you all doin’?”
Pinky Scarsdale gave Benny a nod, but his eyes wouldn’t connect with Benny’s. They’d grown up together, ran around The Pond, doing good jobs together. Now Pinky looked like he’d just swallowed his liver. “Not too good, Benny,” he said, as the Shades Twins bristled to either side of him.
“Yeah?” said Benny, backing up a bit. “I heard about that business Tubside–”
“That’s what we’re here for,” said Big Devil, his voice barely a whisper. B.D. had this scary habit of getting quieter as he got angrier. Benny had to be in some deep trouble, but for what?
“Yeah, we heard you was running around The Taps,” said L’il Devil, D.B.’s cousin.
“I’m always there,” said Benny. “You guys know I got numbers collections out there, especially on Bath Night.”
“Really?” said L’il Devil. “Funny how you was there the night Larry got dunked.”
“Splish splash!” said Larry from behind. Benny could feel Larry’s crazy eyes singeing his tail feathers. Larry had always been a little nuts, the go-to guy for Saturday night mayhem, but even since he took a slip into the Bath and got held underwater a little too long, his screws had come even looser.
“I was working, you mook,” said Benny. “What’s so funny about that?”
“You tell me,” said L’il Devil. “I already know Pat’s story.”
And then Benny knew what this was all about. He puffed up his chest and gave L’il Devil the eye. “You got something to say, quit tap dancing and say it.”
“Oh, I don’t have to,” said L’il Devil. “Not when Pat can.”
Benny’s heart sank as Pat, limped around the corner. He was one ugly purple bruise from beak to tailfeathers and looked scared, more scared than usual. “He, hey, Benny,” he said.
“Oh, Pat, what did you say?” moaned Benny.
“He said enough,” said B.D. “You both make me sick, you fanooks.”
“Fanooky ooky oo!” said Larry, bouncing up and down.
“What business is it of yours?” said Benny, butting up against B.D. “Does it keep us from out-earning you one month after another?”
“Maybe, but we can’t have it,” said a wheezing voice. Everyone fell silent as the Drake and Bubbles, the Drake’s hulking bodyguard, completed the circle. Benny couldn’t get over how frail the Drake was, huddling underneath a ratty blue sweater, yet how much power hovered around the man like a fog.
The Drake took a few doddering steps towards Benny and leaned in close. “When I first took you under my wing, Benny, what did I teach you?”
Benny swallowed. “Finish what you start.”
The Drake nodded. “What else?”
“Always respect your elders.”
Benny shifted from one flipper to the other. “If you got a beef with someone, you take it to the boss.”
The Drake put his forehead against Benny’s. “I could’ve overlooked this thing you have with Pat,” he whispered. “We all could have. But you took matters into your own hands when you dunked Larry.”
“But I never–!”
“Pat said Larry caught you both out at The Taps,” said the Drake, his voice filled with distaste and sadness. “He said you panicked and held Larry under. But you didn’t finish what you started, Benny.” He shook his head. “You always got to finish. Boys.”
Everyone crowded Benny, and, up above, he could hear Bubbles cock his piece. He stared at all of them: silent B.D., smirking L’il Devil, the blank faces of the Shades Twins, Pinky still looking away, the Drake’s sad eys, Larry’s crazy ones, and Pat, beautiful Pat.
“Don’t worry,” said the Drake. “You and Pat will be together soon.”
Benny heard a click, then the first shot covered his head, and the rest was silence.
I can hear them chanting, can’t you?
His name is Robert Paulson.
His name is Robert Paulson.
His name is Robert Paulson.
His name is Robert Paulson.
(Note: I didn’t read anyone else’s posts)
A Rubber Ducky Intervention
Blue Rubber Ducky (RD): “What is going on, guys?”
Hawaiian Shirt RD: “Blue, we’ve come to talk about your problem.”
Pink RD: “Blue…you gotta stop, Blue.”
Purple RD: “We’re here for you. Its time you admitted that you have a problem, and we’re here to help and to support you.”
Blue RD: “WHOA! Guys! Guys. What are you talking about?”
Soap Dispenser RD: “Its time to clean up your life, Blue. I called everyone together to get this started, to help you wash away the taint and the temptation and to be happy and healthy.”
Devil RD: “I’ve been there, man. You *know* I have. And I got out, and I’m happier now than I have ever been.”
Blue RD: “…..#&!* you. #&!* all of you. It doesn’t hurt me, and I DON’T have a problem.”
Sunglasses RD #1: *crying* “Oh Blue, look what has happened to you! You can’t even see it!”
Sunglasses RD #2: *reaches out a wing* “Blue, we can’t take it anymore. Either you give up The Stuff….or we give up on you. Soap Dispenser has developed leaks worrying about you, and Ninja Duck landed on his neck and hurt himself doing a flying leap kick because he was so distracted.”
Ninja RD: “Do you realize you’ve started crying in your sleep, Blue? Do you know the things you say when you aren’t awake. Its heart-breaking.”
Hawaiian Shirt RD: “We’re your friends, and your family. We’re here for you, and we just want you to see that we care and we will be there for you while you get through this.”
Devil RD: “Say it with me, Blue.”
Blue and Devil RD, together: “I….I have a problem.”
Sadly (for you), the ducks are plotting your demise, Mr. Scalzi. The blue one is clearly the ringleader.
Is it a scene from Reservoir Ducks?
It’s an intervention. The blue duck had started taking colloidal silver in hopes of boosting its immune system against the recent epidemic of Exotic Newcastle Disease. Colloidal silver, of course, has the side effect of turning you blue. The other rubber ducks have gather to explain the risks of colloidal silver and to explain that, being made out of rubber, they’re immune to Exotic Newcastle anyway, and blue duck should stop reading ads in the back pages of supermarket tabloids.
Miss Little Blue Glamour-Duck gives a press conference to a gaggle of reporters following the announcement that she is to play the lead role of Robin Baker in the Duckywood production of The Android’s Dream.
So blue said
“if you want into the gang purple black butt, just tell me the answer to this junior math test.
A Normal duck has 2 legs.
(Not that we are being in any way elitist, I mean the word ‘normal is only meant to imply, average, nothing more).
A lame duck has 1 leg.
(‘lame ducks’ or as we in the gang like to call them, the Saturday night specials).
A sitting duck has no legs.
(Not true obviously but what they eyes can’t see the brain can’t reason, you know what we mean).
Ninety-nine ducks have a total of 100 legs.
Given that there are half as many sitting ducks as normal ducks and lame ducks put together, find how many lame ducks there are out of the ninety-nine ducks.
Answer this one, sweet pea and you’re in!!”
The discovery of the Mallardta buddha was not met with universal acceptance from the flock. Luckily, it was pretty easy to identify the individuals who meant him ill.
…Because sunglasses are unenlightened.
“hey man, you think I’m tough, you wait until Duck Vadar get’s here”
All the duckies are in Vegas, and waiting fannishly for autographs after another fabulous performance by ‘The Blue Ducks’.
The part of the show where the whole audience was toilet papered went down particularly well, and many ducks are intending to create the same effect in their own homes.
It’s a rubber ducky intervention.
[without reading replies, sorry if I duplicate]
Soap-duck entertains the flock using his ventriloquist dummy, Blue-duck.
It’s a Rodrigue painting, from his juvenile “Blue Duck” period.
Pinkduck struggled against her tears. Rubber ducks didn’t cry. At least, never where others could see. Across from her, Sailorduck nodded, his beak a stern line. He knew the truth she faced — the truth they all faced — but his one voice of sanity hadn’t been enough.
Blueduck wouldn’t meet her eyes. He, too, forced a smile. Refused to show his pain. Rubber duck to the end. Pinkduck’s heart fluttered at his bravery.
Reddevilduck, impatient as ever, broke the silence. “Well? What’s the holdup?”
Purpleduck pressed against Pinkduck’s side, his presence the only comfort she had left. He too had tried to speak in Blueduck’s defense. He too knew that Blueduck was only the first on the list.
One of the Darkglasses ducks looked over at Pinkduck, dared her to object. But Blueduck had been firm with her last night. He’d made her promise to keep still.
Pinkduck stared into the cold emptiness of Darkglassesduck’s eyes. The twins had started this. Blueduck was the first, but he wouldn’t be the last. The other ducks couldn’t see. The other ducks wouldn’t see. Wouldn’t see until it was too late.
Pinkduck looked around the circle, searched for fear in the angle of the beaks around her. Nothing. Not yet.
“Good luck, man,” Purpleduck whispered. Blueduck bobbed his beak but said nothing.
“Go on,” Reddevilduck said. “You’ve said your goodbyes. Time to go.”
Darkglassesduck swiveled his head back to look at Blueduck and Pinkduck allowed herself the shiver she’d been fighting under his empty gaze. The glassesducks had convinced the group blue ducks had no place here.
Pinkduck wondered who would be next.
The color-blind aliens from Planet Smurf never did figure out how the ducks fingered their advance scout.
Azul: Guys! Guys! You’ll never believe what I saw!
Scullen: Oh here we go again!
Red Tail: What? What?
Pinky: Keep quiet! What’s up Azul?
Azul: I saw a great hairy beast! In the great white pond over yonder!
Crossy: What’s a beast Azul?
Frank: Duh! Was it bigger than me?
Azul: Yes! Yes! But it seemed to be dead. It lie silent while I crept up to the edge of the pond. …But then! A great beautiful Giant came over the hill!
Prince: Ya right!
Pinky: Let him tell the story!
Azul: Yes, the beautiful giant came to save me. Because, even though I thought the hairy beast was dead – it was in fact ready to strike!
Frank: Was it bigger than me Azul?
Smooth: Dudes, obviously this boy is delusional. Big hairy beasts? Beautiful Giants? Please!!!
Tiny: I don’t know Smooth. Azul sounds pretty excited.
Azul: The great hairy beast raised its head. (at least I think it was its’ head) but the beautiful giant was ready to strike. The Giant had a great cap attached to a long staff that it used to subdue the hairy beast. The Giant placed the cap over the Beast’s head (at least I think it was its’ head).
Smooth: Oh Stop!
Frank: Was it bigger than me?
Azul: I tell you the truth! I would not make this up. The great hairy beast bellowed a mightly yowl. It shook me to my very beak!
Red Tail: Then what happened?
Cross: Ya, what happened next Azul?
Azul: The beautiful Giant took pity on the hairy beast and gathered it up and took it far, far away. Our great white pond is at peace once more.
Smooth: I told you guys. He’s an idiot.
Pinky: Be quiet Smooth.
Scullen: Best story I’ve heard all day.
You guys are all great. I haven’t had so much fun reading for quite a while.
Thanks to Scalzi and all of you.
New protoype soldier from OMW universe?
Sadly for little Johnny Duckling, his balls weren’t the only thing that turned blue when in the presence of hot duckies.
Barak “blue duck” Obama on the campaign trail. The young voters are gaga for him and the pink lady-duck is fluffing her feathers to get noticed. The secret service thug in the back thinks this is a yawn and there are a few “republicans” over on the left yelling obscenities. Just a regular day at the office, really.
Excuse if I am repeating an idea, but I am posting without going through 158 comments for the time being.
I think it is a union meeting. I think the blue duck is gathering his union brother and sisters and speaking about, what is happening in the bathtub, and what should be happening in the bathtub, and if I was taking a bath and decided to use bubble bath or play with say a boat or an action figure in the tub, I would think twice about the union of bath tub ducks, blue duck and his faithful escort… the big duck in the corner who looks to help everything go smoothly for Blue.
King Yellow Soap Dispenser IV suddenly found himself in enemy territory. He’d been so spoiled as a young Dispenserling, that he’d never learned the language of those outside his kingdom’s borders.
Now, alone, abandoned by his guards, surrounded by hostiles, he felt helpless for the first time in his life.
As the unintelligible (to him) quackings of those surrounding him grew more discontented, he could do nothing but shake his head, baffled. A few in the crowd began to yell. One of them (the King thought it was the one with the crazy eyes) threw a toothpaste cap and nearly knocked off his crown. The crowd started to close around him.
Then, they stopped. The King opened his eyes. A beautiful duck stepped through the crowd. She was the color of a newly-opened tube of Wild Berry toothpaste.
She spoke to him. “I understand your language. Would you like me to translate?”
The King was so full of relief, he stammered as he explained his situation. As the beautiful and mysterious blue duck turned to the crowd and explained to them the King’s presence, they calmed. All seemed satisfied, except the yellow one with the crazy eyes.
“What’s that electrical outlet doing so close to the tub? Is John trying to kill us?
#156 Rick York: you’re welcome
It is obviously a wedding and the surrounding ducks are planning to hoist up the blue duck into the air for the washcloth dance, you simply cannot see the bride duck in another part of the bathroom prepping for hte same thing.
By a strange, but amusing twist of fate a million year old computer built to answer some of the big questions of life has declared that the blue ducky is the fable holy one who will decide which religion is correct. The other duckies are kissing up before the messenger gets there and the blue ducky realizes what’s going on.
Of course with that mob they might just cut out the truth teller and keep claiming that Ceiling Cat said that they were the holiest.
Lauren, that was awesome!
He hoped, desperately, that if he stopped breathing long enough the zombie ducks would leave him alone…
I saw Blue Duck hoarding breadcrumbs!
My cousin’s sister is a neighbor of Blue Duck, and saw Blue Duck reading counter-revolutionary literature!
Yes! I saw that too! Blue Duck had a pamphlet, and when I asked him what he was reading, he hid it behind his tail and said it was nothing–but I am sure it was a pamphlet about Mallardism!
I think Blue Duck’s ideals are questionable! I heard Blue Duck say that things were not so bad under the landlords!
I would like to know what Blue Duck was listening to on his radio last night! It didn’t sound like one of the Chairman’s speeches, that’s for sure!
It wasn’t a broadcast by the capitalist swine, was it?
I wouldn’t know, I have no idea what such broadcasts sound like–what are you implying?
Stop bickering, we are discussing Blue Duck’s commitment to the Revolution!
Long live the Revolution! Yes, Blue Duck, what do you have to say about these accusations from your coworkers at the People’s tractor factory? They are serious allegations, mind you, so you might think before you open your beak.
Do not be flippant, Blue Duck! You are with the People or you are a counter-revolutionary, and you know what happens to those who are against the people!
CHORUS: Dear Blue Duckie, you are just too good!
How do you stand it? I don’t think I could
She’s a terror, she’s a tyrant
I know she’s only nine but
Blue Duckie, you’re a martyr…
BLUE DUCKIE: (simpering) Well,
Athena’s sent to try us…
“He’s not like us, I’m telling you! He’s a monster! You should see the stuff that come out of that thing on his head! And those eyes, those soulless eyes. He wants to make us like him… He… He’s behind me, isn’t he?”
Long Island Ducks.
walk-off home run!
Variety Headline –
Blue Duck and entourage seen at Scalzi home!
Story body –
Nouveau actor Blue Duck was seen last week at Author John Scalzi’s home reportedly to discuse some changes in the film adaptation manuscript of Scalzi’s ‘Old Man’s War’ that will allow Blue to participate without radical makeup. Duck, a long time fan of the works of Scalzi, has even offered to work at scale inorder to be a part of the project (though rumor has it that Duck’s agent Steeler Duck (no relation) has secured a deal for 7% of the Gross reguardless) that has long been rumored on the Hollywood Producer grapevine.
Blue Boy: I’m bored.
Purple Princess: I know, let’s hypnotize someone.
Blue Boy: Yeah, sure, someone tried that once, they couldn’t do it.
Pepto Pinko: OOOh, I did that one time, for a week every time someone said Hello to me I barked like a dog.
Purple Princess: Hey, maybe it’ll take this time. Just relax…listen to my voice…you are getting sleepy…can you hear me now?
Blue Boy: Yes
Purple Princess: Flap your left wing
Blue Boy flaps left wing.
Purple Princess: For the next two days, when one of us uses the word sing, you will sing a chorus of “how much is that duckie in the window.” Do you understand?
Blue Boy: Yes.
Purple Princess: I’m going to count to three and when you wake up you will think you’ve had a quick nap. One-Two-Three.
Blue Boy: Gee, sorry, I must have dozed off there.
Purple Princess: You mean you don’t remember anything?
Blue Boy: Uh, no, why?
Margauritaville: We were going to sing a song.
Blue Boy: OK.
Pump Top: How much is that Duckie in the window? The one with the wiggly tail…
Purple Princess: OOPS!!
Blue Boy: GOTCHA!!
All right, contest closed. Thanks everyone for playing! I’ll announce the winner in the next couple of days.
The Fremen Naibs petition Muad’Duck.
D’oh! Teach me to comment before reading to the end of the thread, won’t it?
His name is Robert Duckson..
His name is Robert Duckson..
His name is Robert Duckson..
I’m pretty sure that the group of ducks are Jewish ducks and the blue one in the middle is a member of Jewish Ducks for Smurfy Jesus. He is preaching and they are all a bit bemused and shocked.
The contest is over, isn’t it? I didn’t read all of these so this may have been mentioned all ready.
I think it’s a circle jerk.
Can I say that here? My apologies if that’s a big no.
The doctors are all very dismayed and confused. “he’s been like this for weeks” says one. “He really doesn’t seem to have any other symptoms other then a persistent stare and potential lockjaw. says another “It all started as a small rash which turned green! then blue” says another quoting his chart.
Well, you actually forgot one symptom he finally speaks. “Before any of this happened, I turned dark purple”
All eyes turn to Mr. Purple in the corner!!!
The Lottery, definitely.
I know, I was busy last week and missed the game. I still say that all the ducks are listening to the blue duck tell about his cameo appearance in, “Billy Madison”
ITS SCALVI MESSING WITH OUR MINDS!
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The duck in the middle is sad because everyone else is turning against it. Hence why they are surrounding him. *Back story* The duck in the middle used to be yellow like the other ducks. It used to be happy, and have fun with other. It used to laugh and joke around. But then one day, it was turning into a completely different duck. It was tired. Tired from being pushed around by other people. Tired from being told what to do. Tired of being abandoned. Tired of being betrayed. Slowly it started turning a shade of blue. He was depressed and his friends were starting to notice. They started to leave him and forget about him which was only making him more depressed. He cried all the time, he didn’t really know what was wrong with him. He was fed up with everyone that was surrounding him. He didn’t want any friends and he just wanted everybody to go away. He made enemies with all of his friends that they all surrounded him and called him bad names.
That’s my little story there. I’ve used this story from personal experiences. Although the last part hasn’t happened yet, I’m sure it’s bound to happen soon.