And It Wouldn’t Be The First Time, Either

Snippet from a phone conversation earlier today:

Me (talking as I’m lying on the bed): Just to warn you, the cat just came up on my chest and is sticking her butt in my face, so if I suddenly go “mmmphmmph” while we’re talking, you’ll know why.

Friend: Dude, I did not need to know that for some portion of this phone call you’ll be talking out of a cat anus.

Me: Mmmphmmmph!

Mmmphmmmph, indeed, my friends. Mmmphmmph indeed.

28 Comments on “And It Wouldn’t Be The First Time, Either”

  1. Cats’ weird sexual deviancies freak me out.

    Of course, our family had a dog, Maggie, who, like many dogs, enjoyed licking her own anus.

  2. John, what are you supposed to be doing right now?

    [recognizes a stall tactic when she sees it]

  3. O Great Scalzi, what an excellent picture of Her Magnificent Luminence.

    We also note that the Beauteous Ghlaghghee obviously had decided that you were getting a bit out of hand, and needed a reminder of your precise status.

    Mmmphmmmph, indeed.

    The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club

  4. A few centuries ago this improper relationship with your cat would’ve gained you an extensive interview with your friendly neighborhood inquisitor and an invitation to a nice barbecue in the main square. :)

  5. Mike Cane @7

    A long while ago, a cat of mine (Huckle) decided to purr me awake, sat on my pillow. I opened an eye to the tune of his harmonious vibratory summoning, and awwed appropriately, reached up to tickle his ears….

    ….and saw the single spider-leg sticking out from between his lips, waving pathetically.

    Gah. Kitty got a flying lesson.

  6. G@8: And a couple millennia before that, it would have been taken as a sign that he was blessed.

    MarkHB@9: Norman got his couple of flying lesson when he decided to clean the inside of my nostril. While I was asleep, of course. Fortunately, he can learn, and only did it to me once more. Both times, whoosh goes the big orange ball of fluff.

    But then the fiancée moved in a few years later, and apparently she was fair game. And never learned how to throw a cat off of her while she was waking up.

  7. What you didn’t know was that spider had been crawling on your pillow until your cat valiantly caught it. So both heroic and comforting and you threw it off the bed!

  8. “Just to warn you, lopsided cat just came up on my chest and is looking annoyed, so if I suddenly go “Aaaaaiiiiiiieeeee” while we’re talking, you’ll know why.

  9. I think I know what’s really going on here. John’s feelings are hurt because of all the hate mail he’s been reading. That’s why he’s in bed (depressed). He’s been watching cartoons to try to cheer himself up but ultimately he’s turn to the one thing he has to make him feel better. The power to make us wait.

  10. Ah, just another day in the life of cats.
    “The indignities My Royal Posterior must suffer- trying to get comfortable on this lumpy, noisy seat cushion!” -mmmphmmph- “Oooh! That kinda tickles!”

  11. Did you know that Alexander Graham Bell experimented with cat anuses in the late 1860’s before turning to magnets while developing the telephone?

    It’s true! I read it on the Internet somewhere!

  12. “I’m sorry, couldn’t quite understand that last bit. Could you not repeat it?”

    It’s okay, John. Am given to understand that this happens to many people owned by cats, whether said people are conversing or fighting crime and/or pixelized enemies. Suddenly, they (and you) see the Ring.

                                    *   *   *   *

    Then again, cats seldom do things without a reason. Perhaps it’s her way of saying that you need to purchase a lot more fireworks for the holiday.

  13. I’m not sure why, but what I find most concerning about this post…is that I still don’t know how to pronounce “Ghlaghghee.” *blush*

  14. Mac @ 23, it is not shameful not to know how to pronounce the name of Our Most Glorious Lady.

    The Executive Committee of The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club has addressed this before, but graciously does so again.

    It is pronounced “Her Most Glorious Shimmering Radiant Magnificence Who Illuminates Reality And Protects The Weak And Makes Humble The Proud”. Or you can shorten it as “Magnificent She”.

    Or if you’re a typical low-brow Whatever reader, “Fluffy”.

    The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club

  15. Jim @ 21:
    You read it on the internet three times, right?

    Just checkin’ ;)

  16. Wouldn’t that actually have been “talking INTO a cat’s anus”? I imagine talking out of it would have been a horribly uncomfortable position for both you and the cat.

  17. All I can say is “That’s the cat’s ass.”

    If the cat were wearing the “cat’s pajamas,” this would be much less of an issue.

    Unless they had a drop seat, of course.

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