And It Wouldn’t Be The First Time, Either

Snippet from a phone conversation earlier today:

Me (talking as I’m lying on the bed): Just to warn you, the cat just came up on my chest and is sticking her butt in my face, so if I suddenly go “mmmphmmph” while we’re talking, you’ll know why.

Friend: Dude, I did not need to know that for some portion of this phone call you’ll be talking out of a cat anus.

Me: Mmmphmmmph!

Mmmphmmmph, indeed, my friends. Mmmphmmph indeed.

28 Comments on “And It Wouldn’t Be The First Time, Either”

  1. The 40 Hour Creative – I'm here to help you be creative! I've written plays and created the web series THE CANADIANS (now on Amazon Prime), among other things. Seth Godin said 'start a blog,' so we'll see how long this lasts.
    Greg

    Cats’ weird sexual deviancies freak me out.

    Of course, our family had a dog, Maggie, who, like many dogs, enjoyed licking her own anus.

  2. O Great Scalzi, what an excellent picture of Her Magnificent Luminence.

    We also note that the Beauteous Ghlaghghee obviously had decided that you were getting a bit out of hand, and needed a reminder of your precise status.

    Mmmphmmmph, indeed.

    The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club

  3. A few centuries ago this improper relationship with your cat would’ve gained you an extensive interview with your friendly neighborhood inquisitor and an invitation to a nice barbecue in the main square. :)

  4. Mike Cane @7

    A long while ago, a cat of mine (Huckle) decided to purr me awake, sat on my pillow. I opened an eye to the tune of his harmonious vibratory summoning, and awwed appropriately, reached up to tickle his ears….

    ….and saw the single spider-leg sticking out from between his lips, waving pathetically.

    Gah. Kitty got a flying lesson.

  5. G@8: And a couple millennia before that, it would have been taken as a sign that he was blessed.

    MarkHB@9: Norman got his couple of flying lesson when he decided to clean the inside of my nostril. While I was asleep, of course. Fortunately, he can learn, and only did it to me once more. Both times, whoosh goes the big orange ball of fluff.

    But then the fiancée moved in a few years later, and apparently she was fair game. And never learned how to throw a cat off of her while she was waking up.

  6. What you didn’t know was that spider had been crawling on your pillow until your cat valiantly caught it. So both heroic and comforting and you threw it off the bed!

  7. “Just to warn you, lopsided cat just came up on my chest and is looking annoyed, so if I suddenly go “Aaaaaiiiiiiieeeee” while we’re talking, you’ll know why.

  8. I think I know what’s really going on here. John’s feelings are hurt because of all the hate mail he’s been reading. That’s why he’s in bed (depressed). He’s been watching cartoons to try to cheer himself up but ultimately he’s turn to the one thing he has to make him feel better. The power to make us wait.

  9. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me
    Chang, cranky.

    Isn’t there a DJ Assault track called Ass & Kitties?

  10. Ah, just another day in the life of cats.
    “The indignities My Royal Posterior must suffer- trying to get comfortable on this lumpy, noisy seat cushion!” -mmmphmmph- “Oooh! That kinda tickles!”

  11. Did you know that Alexander Graham Bell experimented with cat anuses in the late 1860’s before turning to magnets while developing the telephone?

    It’s true! I read it on the Internet somewhere!

  12. “I’m sorry, couldn’t quite understand that last bit. Could you not repeat it?”

    It’s okay, John. Am given to understand that this happens to many people owned by cats, whether said people are conversing or fighting crime and/or pixelized enemies. Suddenly, they (and you) see the Ring.

                                    *   *   *   *

    Then again, cats seldom do things without a reason. Perhaps it’s her way of saying that you need to purchase a lot more fireworks for the holiday.

  13. I’m not sure why, but what I find most concerning about this post…is that I still don’t know how to pronounce “Ghlaghghee.” *blush*

  14. Mac @ 23, it is not shameful not to know how to pronounce the name of Our Most Glorious Lady.

    The Executive Committee of The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club has addressed this before, but graciously does so again.

    It is pronounced “Her Most Glorious Shimmering Radiant Magnificence Who Illuminates Reality And Protects The Weak And Makes Humble The Proud”. Or you can shorten it as “Magnificent She”.

    Or if you’re a typical low-brow Whatever reader, “Fluffy”.

    The Official Ghlaghghee Fan Club

  15. Wouldn’t that actually have been “talking INTO a cat’s anus”? I imagine talking out of it would have been a horribly uncomfortable position for both you and the cat.

  16. All I can say is “That’s the cat’s ass.”

    If the cat were wearing the “cat’s pajamas,” this would be much less of an issue.

    Unless they had a drop seat, of course.

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