Well, shucks! Looks like the Scalzi family stimulus check has arrived! And look at the riches our government has poured upon us, to help stimulate the struggling national economy:
Yes, that’s right: six dollars and ten cents. As Athena put it, after I explained the concept of the stimulus checks and the fact that most people who got a check received either $600 as an individual or $1,200 as a couple: “Did they make a typo?” Indeed not! The more money you make, the less Bush Administration economic panic bribe stimulus you need. And apparently the US government had decided that we here at the Scalzi still need something to keep up from freaking out that our economy has gone swirling… just not a whole lot. I’m pretty much of the opinion that once you reach the point where your stimulus check is less than $50, the government should in effect say, “you know what? You’re fine,” but I guess that’s why I’m not president now, isn’t it.
Of course the problem is that getting a six dollar, ten cent stimulus check merely highlights the fact of all the things six dollars and ten cents can’t help me with. It’s at best a fraction of what I need to get anything of any actual use either to me or the economy. It’s one tenth of a gas tank, one half of a DVD, 90% of a movie ticket here in rural Ohio (or half of the same movie ticket in New York), three quarters of a hamburger combo at Steak & Shake, and so on. Hell, it doesn’t even buy a month of online porn. Six dollars and ten cents is a truly stupid amount of money to send as a stimulus; all it does is stimulate in me a reminder of just how wrecked the economy’s gotten under Bush and his pals.
So what do you do with a stupid, frivolous amount of stimulus money? Well, you spend it on something stupid and frivolous, of course!
Bob Barr has about as much chance of being president as I have in getting a tomato plant to spontaneously erupt out of my forehead, but he does have a teeniest bit of a chance of peeling off just enough disgruntled GOPers to be a pain in John McCain’s ass come the general election, which at this point works for me as an ersatz protest vote and the GOP economic stewardship of the country (note that this statement will undoubtedly cause some delusional conservative/Republican to opine in the comments that it will be Obama whom Barr will peel voters off of, not McCain. Dear delusional conservative/Republican commenter: Just because you’re apparently huffing acetone from the inside of a paper bag doesn’t mean the rest of us are). That said, I don’t actually want to spend real money on Bob Barr; I don’t want anyone to get the idea he’s actually my guy, presidentially speaking. I mean, really. Speaking of huffing acetone. For what I want to do here, six dollars and ten cents is almost exactly the right amount to send the dude. So that’s what I sent:
I’d tell Bob Barr to spend that six dollars and ten cents wisely, but then, I didn’t, so who I am I to talk. Let him spend it on gum for all I care. It’s honestly what I think of my particular stimulus check, and the administration whose economic fumbletypeg helped get us to the point where “stimulus checks” somehow seemed like a necessary thing.