Chauncey, The World’s Most Adorable Giraffe, Has a Special Message For You
Posted on July 7, 2008 Posted by John Scalzi 20 Comments
And it is:
“Hello! John Scalzi has several very important things he needs to do today before he can come and play with you all, so he told me to tell you that he’ll probably be out for most of the day. He sent me because I’m so adorable that you can’t help but be winsomely amused by whatever I do or say. See how I’m cocking my head? Adorable!
“Anyway, Scalzi says to feel free to talk amongst yourselves and he’ll see you probably later this afternoon. Okay, bye now!
“Oh! And I almost forgot: The reason my head is adorably cocked? I’m looking at that thing you got stuck between your teeth. Really, man. You need to, like, brush or something. Just saying.”
Presenting the wonders of Bacon on Salon:
Private zoo at the Scalzi compound…facial surgery and Pepsi commercials can’t be far behind at this point.
Having exhausted the perpetual adorableness of cats, John has now resorted to co-opting zoo animal cuteness to keep us all at bay from knowing who won the duck story contest.
Surely it is a conspiracy of animals at the Scalzi household.
Has Kodi’s mind control techniques have finally born fruit, or is it the presence of the adorable Zeus who now controls the Scalzi Manse? Look, he’s right up there at the top of the page, looking down at us all in feline disdain, it’s Zeus. Oh, not only has he won us all with his adorable cuteness, we never saw his diabolical machinations until it was too late.
It’s too late.
And now I need to go brush my teeth again. Why? I don’t know, I just gotta.
I, for one, welcome our feline overlords. Or something.
It’s one thing when you find stray dogs and cats near your house, John. But stray giraffes? You may want to contact whatever organization accredits the zoo that’s nearest to your house …
Mmmm. Giraffe steaks. Sure brings back memories.
I understand the horns make a nice appetizer as well.
Any favorite recipes?
Kinda short for a giraffe, ain’t he? I think the cats could take him.
You know, they have a spray for that now.
They do? I totally missed the cans of Giraffe-B-Gone on the shelves at the Co-Op.
It’s right above the cans of “Bacon Cat in A Can.”
Okay, is he gone now? Let’s go look behind those sofa cushions for spare change. Hurry, before he gets back.
Mmmmm…..Giraffe….so tasty (especially with roasted yams)
As long as someone doesn’t put bacon on Chauncey. That would make it treyf. ANd it’s so rare that John posts a picture of an animal on his site I can taste without disappointing my orthodox ancestors.
Unfortunately, I’ve never had the chance to taste giraffe meat. But that’s a long story.
Okay, let’s bring it all home:
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs!
AHHHhahahah…oww, my sides…
(I couldn’t find a link to a recipe for giraffe bacon, but I did unearth this oldie-but-goodie — Scalzi on giraffes, pigs and Newt Gingrich.)
Your mission, Mr. Scalzi, should you decide to accept it, is tape bacon to Chauncey the giraffe, take a photo, and post it to the Internet. As always, should you or any of your IM Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
Strangely enough, the subject of cooking giraffes came up on Yahoo Answers a month ago… http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080604025157AAXYaz3
BTW, you can save a pig and use bacon salt for seasoning on just about anything.
Dr. Phil, #11
While you’re looking for spare change I’ll be in his sub-sub-dimensionally sideways-sub-basement looking for his store of Ubaid Stout. (Wronwright (keyword “wronwright” at Tim’s place) and his Sumerian Ale can eat my shorts.)
“facial surgery and Pepsi commercials can’t be far behind at this point.”
At least John wouldn’t have to worry about hair fires.
I hope this is helpful. I think the hardest part is getting them to stand still.
*darts about the Scalzi home humming the Mission Impossible theme while hunting for the results of the duck contest.*
Drat! He hid them good.
*Vaults out a window, shaking her fist*
I’ll get you next time, Scalzi! Next Time!