A Really Important Request

Someone explain to me why I shouldn’t drink this entire container of sweet pickle juice I’ve got here in front of me.

123 Comments on “A Really Important Request”

  1. Because your breath would smell horrible forever. Also if you do that, you’re just a pair of bib over-alls away from being a total hill billy.

  2. Because the sugar will cause a spike and crash in your blood sugar, leaving you weeping and shaking, which will upset both Athena and Ghlaghghee, even if you care nothing for yourself.

    Because the onslaught of saline and sugar may cause your stomach to rebel, leading to you chanting the holy name of Ralph at His porcelain altar.

    Because it would set a poor example for…oh wait, you don’t care about that! :-)

  3. Heh. Make sure you have a good sightline to the toilet, ’cause you are gonna need it. I would lay good money on spew from both ends.

  4. Even though they’re sweet pickles I’m sure they’re high in sodium. If you’re aiming to mummify your body for posterity go for it. If you’re looking to live longer and write more excellent books I plead that you just pour the sweet pickle juice down the drain

  5. Because you really should capture this on video to post, both the chugging and subsequent physiological reactions, and that would be kind of a bother.

  6. Because the sheer disgustingness (It is too a word!) of the act will cause a rift in the time-space continuum, causing you to be replaced by your evil, goateed double. Said double will immediately shave, endorse McCain/Palin, call for SFnal YA to be banned from local libraries, and acknowledge that Pluto was never really a planet.

    Okay, the last part would be an improvement, but still…

  7. You will:

    1. Turn green.
    2. Have a spike in your blood pressure so high from the salt content that a small blood vessel in your brain will burst, forever causing you to mix up your right and your left and recite the lyrics from Elton John’s “Rocketman” a la William Shatner.
    3. Never be able to eat sweet pickles again.
    4. Kill a fairy, because any time anyone chugs a container of sweet pickle juice, a fairy dies. I *thought* you knew that. :(
    6. Exacerbate the current pickle juice shortage and drive prices of pickle juice futures well above the current high market level of $140.00 a barrel.
    7. The resultant sugar crash will leave you comatose on the couch, watching bad daytime tv.
    8. 8. I forget what 8 was for and
    9. You will forget to use the number 5.
    10. Crack cocaine. I am sure its related somehow, so just say no.

  8. Does your wife like sweet pickles? If not drinking it could make you unkissable for some time.

    the belches aren’t nearly as sweet coming up as going down.

  9. The only excuse for drinking pickle juice is that you just ran a marathon. And you don’t want to start running marathons, do you?

  10. Asking such a question is tantamount to standing on a high-rise ledge and expecting this particular crowd not to start shouting “Jump! Jump! Jump!” and selling “Die, Scalzi, Die!” T-shirts and starting a betting pool (ODDS: Splatter [3:1], Bounce [4:1], Chicken out [1:1], Scream like a girl all the way down [sucker bet, no odds given]).

    So, you know, Chug! Chug! Chug! – but let me get a couple of T-shirts silk screened up first…

  11. A friend of mine once did that with the brine from a jar of olives and the following dehydration headache, nausea and shakes made her feel as though death would be a sweet, sweet mercy.

    Yeah, she never did that again.

    On the bright side, a spoonful or two of sweet pickle juice is an excellent secret ingredient in deviled eggs.

  12. Because somewhere there’s a pregnant woman who wants it more?

    Because it’s too strong drunk straight. You should slice up a cucumber and drop the slices in there. In an hour or two you eat them.

  13. 1.) Because you won’t be able to go swimming for at least an hour afterwards.

    2.) Because your face will be stuck like that.

    3.) Because it’s specifically forbidden to do so in the Book of Deuteronomy.

    4.) Because I said so!

  14. Are you mad? Don’t you know there is a world shortage of sweet pickle juice and you are set to consume an entire JAR? That pickle juice could supply a family in Komenos for a month, and here you are, threatening to DRINK it all? I cannot believe the utter selfishness! Pickle juice is a valuable commodity and sweet… Have you no shame? Think of all the Komenosians who will shiver in the darkness for lack of pickle juice, do they not MOVE you? Have you no compassion for the pickle juice deprived of the world?

    If you drink that pickle juice, it will be a crime against humanity. Just say no, don’t do it, think of the children! Your pickle juice will keep them supplied until relief can be organized, for the sake of FSM, just think about it!

  15. No Drink, add hardboiled eggs, beet juice and apple cider vinegar for delicious snacks all winter long.

  16. John,
    In your last post you were apologising for not getting through your eamil, now you want to drink a container of something that will probably have you stuck in the bathroom the rest of the day, if not the weekend?

    But hey man, it’s your life.

    eric @#25, if John’s wife doesn’t know he’s strange, she hasn’t been paying attention.


  17. Let’s see, it’s been about an hour since you posted, and considering that the phrasing of your request made it seem as though your mouth was watering uncontrollably at the thought of tasting that wondrous juice, I’d wager you already drank it.

    Or tried, anyway…

  18. I agree with Mitchelle.

    Dill pickle juice is just so much better. Especially if it is spicy.

    Also if you drink it all now, you won’t have any left for later.

  19. Well, I suppose the optimal question is, “do you like sweet pickle juice?”

    If the answer is no, you don’t particularly like it, then you shouldn’t consume it. (Life is too short to eat things we hate!) But if you do like sweet pickle juice, then I see no reason why you shouldn’t.


  20. Because you have work to do, and vomiting pickle juice — as rich a field for comic blog fodder as that might be — doesn’t pay the bills.

  21. Eh. Sweet pickle juice? Nah.

    Dill pickle juice – hell yeah! Chug that bitch.

    I do that all the damn time along with eating the salt at the bottom of a bag of pretzels.

  22. Vinegar can increase the body’s absorption of important minerals from the foods we eat. Of course, if you chug the stuff, this benefit will be negated when your stomach contents spill forth. I say control the urge and take the lady’s advice and make deviled eggs…with bacon bits.

  23. Simple reason, as learned by my kid sister back in 8th grade: If you do, in about two hours you’re gonna be SO thirsty….

    (They had hamburgers at lunch that day, and the table got into a pickle-eating contest. Being the academy, we ate family-style with a faculty member as head of each table. The music teacher told them they were gonna be thirsty… “Oh, no, we won’t.”

    About mid-way through glee club the *entire* alto row had to flee for the fountain…. much to the “I-told-you-so” amusement of the music teacher. :)

  24. Hey, why don’t you just start your own version of “John, Don’t Eat It!”

    This would be good.

  25. Because you learned your lesson the hard way that time you and Soup went out to fish for crappies?

  26. Here’s why not:

    Think of the withering glance Krissy will give you if you catches you.

    On the other hand, I’ve seen sauerkraut juice canned for beveragy consumption, so go for it.

  27. “#
    # BC Woodson 12 Sep 2008 at 12:18 pm

    Because your breath would smell horrible forever. Also if you do that, you’re just a pair of bib over-alls away from being a total hill billy.”

    And what is wrong with that? I come from a long line of hill folk and own several pairs of overalls. Besides, everyone knows sweet pickle juice is for city folk in the flatlands. Real hillbillies chug dill pickle juice. Mixed with ‘shine. Shaken, not stirred.

  28. Because there are starving children in third world countries that have yet to be saved by Angelina Jolie that need that pickle juice more than you do!

  29. Because pickle juice consumption brings you that much closer to partaking in tentacle porn. Don’t you want after-school specials?

  30. Why bother when you can find a good jar of pepperoncini and, after eating them, chug that liquid? Sweet pickles are for eating, but the brine on hot pickles is for drinking!

  31. you should NOT drink it simply because after telling people that it was a possibility they would want you to and by NOT doing it you would spite all these people and trick them into thinking you would it would be truly devilish.

  32. Because that would be a waste. You should pour it in a bong and use it to sweeten the flavor of clove cigarette smoke.

    If you must drink it, add a bunch of peach schnapps first. Peach schnapps will improve the flavor of any liquid.

  33. Because, John. Just because.

    Seriously, if all your friends drank pickle juice, would you drink it too? You were raised better than that.

  34. ok, by current count we’ve got 56 reasons why you shouldn’t, with strong representation from the “that’s nasty” and “drink something else” camps.

    14 folks urging you on. mostly of the “why not?” persuasion. See above 56 reasons.

    9 people simply want you to do something for their amusement, involving pictures of your pain and/or cats

    and 8 folks asked a question or didn’t express an opinion

    Your public has spoken. You shouldn’t drink it.

    Why do I agree with the majority here?

    Because if you go with the folks who want to see the aftermath, it has a pretty good chance of catching on. Then you will receive pickle themed gifts in addition to the bacon. Or, if you are particularly unlucky, pickled bacon.

  35. Before diabetes ended my sweet pickle adventures I would always save the pickle juice. A little bit added nice flavours to stews and sauces.


    If you drink the pickle juice, you can’t do that.


  36. So, didja drink it?

    You’ve kind of left us hanging on how Athena’s bread came out, are you planning on leaving this one unresolved too?

  37. Because you are actually sleep-walking, and the jar of mayonaise and cigarette butts would make a better snack.

  38. Perhaps you should add some to Athena’s next attempt at bread, for a second entry in the Scalzi Recipe book. The first, of course, is schadenfreude pie.

  39. John, I can’t answer your question, but I need to know whether you drank it, ASAP. Call, email, IM, just let me know, ‘K?

    signed, a turkey in suspense

  40. I did the fraternity thing for a while when I was in Riverside. Didn’t like it much. Lots of interesting memories, though, including one memorable night when, half-drunk, a fraternity brother drank an entire jar’s worth of pickle juice.

    His… gastronomical processes… were decidedly Unpleasant for the next couple of days.

  41. Because then there won’t be any left for me.

    … Wait, you said sweet pickle juice. Uh, in that case, drink up! Dill pickle juice is my beverage of choice.

  42. Because you should conjure up a couple/a few (depending on jar size) hard boiled eggs and let them sit in the juice overnight. Then tomorrow at snack time — oh boy! Pickled eggs! (I have recently done this; I have also drunk some of that juice — approx. 5 oz. — and I tell you that I was none-the-worse for indulging.)

  43. Sweet pickles are nasty. Do it with those hot pepper rings that some people put in sandwiches. Now *that*’s an experience.

    Of course, if your wife catches you, she might think you’re pregnant.

  44. It’s too late, isn’t it? The deed has either been done or it hasn’t. Did you or didn’t you? My money’s on a single swig. Too much of a good thing is too much of a good thing.

  45. Because it isn’t as tasty as bacon-covered cat? Those pictures you’re showing of Ghlag don’t fool anybody.

  46. Salutations, Mr. Scalzi, and ye other gentlefolken,

    OTOH, pickle juice is often in cooking soups, stews, baked beans, deviled eggs, and ‘homemade pickled’ cucumbers and boiled eggs.

    OTOH, it has been used as a ‘substitute Gatorade’ by athletic teams in hot humid weather – depending on the weather in Dallas on Monday, the ESPN announcers may discuss that – or google “pickle juice” and “Philadelphia Eagles” for more info.

    And how did Athena’s breadmaking turn out ? The world wonders.

    Yours, John Desmond

    PS – GO IGGLES !

  47. Because the container in question is a 55 gallon drum and you have no idea where it’s been.

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