Posted on October 1, 2008
Posted by John Scalzi
Every time I put ham on a bagel, I feel… transgressive.
Especially during Rosh Hashana. Here’s an idea, put some cheese on it for EPIC TREYFE!
Well, clearly. What’s a bagel without a schmear?
You’re a bad man John ! Mmm, that does sound good though . . .
Yeah, I feel the same way when I put mayo on roast beef.
Oy vey! My problem is finding a good bagel in the midwest. Being from Montreal, I am somewhat elitist in my tastes and preferences. I freely admit it, and my wife tells everyone what a bagel snob I am.
Ah, St. Viateur bagels on a Sunday morning, hot from the oven. Bliss.
Oh, and add some shelfish too!
And mayo? In Evanston, IL, there used to be a deli with a warning on their menu: Corned beef may not be ordered on white bread or with mayo without South Dakota ID.
Oh, come _on_. It ought to be bacon on that bagel, Scalzi.
If it makes you feel better… if you buy a Noah’s Bagel and eat it, you’re still not eating kosher food.
@joelfinkle I might have been the person who caused that restaurant to put up that sign. LOL
You may have heard that Entertainment Weekly this week has as its cover a reproduction of The New Yorker Michelle/Barack Obama cover, with Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart in the Michelle/Barack roles. Inside, Stewart wonders if it is okay to eat a bagel with lox and a schmear while dressed as he is for the cover.
Does it strike you as being just wrong looking for a Saint Viator’s bagel?
What, no bacon?
Oh dash it all. I want a sossidj and bacon bagel, stat. Extra ketchup.
You people think I eat bacon 24/7 or something.
Indeed we do.
For awhile, every challah sandwich on the menu for the Einstein’s Bagels chain had bacon or ham in it.
That’s because, Sean, bacon comes not from the pig (an unclean animal) but from the Bacon Beast. The cuts from the Bacon Beast are then hung and smoked to eliminate any contaminants (there are very few).
Lox, on the other hand, comes from the Loxical. It grows thin, almost already sliced; all that must be done is remove the skin.
Hmmmm…now that you mention it….
Ah, well, if they’re good enough for the Orthodox, they’re good enough for me.
No, not bacon, just Coke Zero, but that doesn’t lend itself to kosher jokes.
I had a Bagel BLT from Tim Horton’s this morning. Bacon, egg, cheese, lettuce & tomato. YUM!!!!
Quite the kosher transgression, however it was a very tasy breakfast.
Heh. My ethnically-but-not-religiously-Jewish husband can’t eat eel sushi without pointing skyward and jeering “Take THAT, God Of The Hebrews!” Same general idea.
TChem @ 21: I might have to go out for sushi with your husband. I think he’d get a kick out of eating sushi with a Jewish woman named ‘Christian’.
V’s Herbie: Coke Zero might not lend itself to kosher jokes, but regular Coca-Cola is treyf on certain Jewish holidays because of the HFCS (high-fructose corn syrup). I have heard that Coke accommodates observant Jews in a few large markets on those holidays with limited runs of Coca-Cola sweetened with cane sugar, just like they used to do. Needless to say, those limited runs disappear rapidly.
If you’re not too far from a Costco, they occasionally carry 12-OUNCE GLASS BOTTLES of Coca-Cola from Mexico, sweetened with cane sugar. It’s like doing the time warp: it tastes the way I remember it from my childhood. HFCS sucks, and not just for the possible adverse health effects. The domestic bottlers are inflexible regarding HFCS, however; it’s cheaper, it blends easier and the shelf life is longer.
If words were people, I would order “transgressive” out back and beat it to death with a tire iron.
Or maybe I’ve been working around too many academics.
John – My Grandpa Irving ate a ham and cheese on rye for lunch every day as far as I know; I think you get a pass, as long as it isn’t one of those damn fruit bagels, which are abominations in the eyes of gods of all faiths.
C Radler @ 5, 18 — don’t know where in the Midwest you are, but I’ve been in Chicago for more than 20 years, and the best bagels around are (unsurprisingly) at New York Bagel & Bialy on Touhy Avenue in Skokie. I trek out there every December 24 to buy bagels, smoked salmon, and cream cheese for our traditional Christmas breakfast.
4 & 6: So what’s the problem with mayo? I love a good corned / roast beef on rye with deli mustard, but they’re tasty with mayo as well.
David @ #23: “Certain Jewish holidays” = Passover. Anything made from grain, except kosher-for-Passover matzoh, is forbidden (because it might, G-d forbid, have been left unprotected long enough to ferment a little, and only unleavened grains are permitted). That means no Scotch or bourbon, either; potato vodka and Cognac are fine. And that’s why macaroons and marzipan candies are okay, too.
The problem with mayo is that it’s hideously non-canonical. Only mustard (and horseradish) are permitted condiments for corned beef.
I always felt the same way about the pepperoni pizza bagels the local bagel shop used to offer when I was in high school. Soooo good, but how could they do that?
Hey John, I got two words for you:
Served to me and my Indian ur-boss at the company cafeteria a zillion years ago. I pointed at the daily specials sign; he shrugged.
Also, you’re probably not doing anything that’s not being done in Israel right now. To get around the biblical (or rabbinical) prohibition against raising pigs on the “land of Israel”, Israeli farmers build their pig huts on stilts. As a sop to the sensitivities of the Kashrut observant, pigs are called “little cows”. I thought it was a joke on us goys, but I’ve had it confirmed by Israeli nationals and friends who regularly visit there.
Back before I decided to Get Healthy, a beloved treat of mine was to fry bacon to Very Crispy, then grill buttered bagels flat-side down on the bacon grease (unkosher Texas toast, basically), then build a sandwich with the resulting ingredients and big old hunk of cream cheese as a fixative.
Mmm mmm good.
(Also works well with pepperoni. Trust me, pan friend pepperoni is deeply awesome.)
@ 14: John, back bacon (the kind they serve in the UK) looks just like ham – that’s probably what you grabbed.
So long as you don’t put the cat on a bagel, you’re fine.
I only eat ’em with cream cheese. Meat on a bagel would just be.. weird.
Heh, last week I was a night guard to a bunch of observant Jewish kids, and I inherited all their leftovers. I felt kind of bad when I put the Night 1 burgers next to the Night 2 cheese lasagna in the same fridge, and then later on when I put ham and cheese on their salad…
My local eatery makes bagel burgers – with cheese and all the trimmings – probably not kosher either but still ultra yummy…
Obviously, you’re not Jewish . . .
@ meteorplum (#30):
“Hey John, I got two words for you:
Served to me and my Indian ur-boss at the company cafeteria a zillion years ago. I pointed at the daily specials sign; he shrugged.”
But is he Hindu? A lot of Indians are Muslims, after all. They would have no problem with beef curry. Think Mughlai cuisine.
Try it again next Wednesday. Then it will be super-transgressive squared: it’s Yom Kippur.
Here is a good example of a good use of treyfe:
Check out what they use for weapons against hadissic zombies.
I am given to understand that a non-religious ethnic Jewish friend of mine was once sorely conflicted by a proffered bacon-and-matzoh sandwich.
It was, he says, good, but tasted like guilt.
i came to cologne, germany for rosh hashana (from jerusalem) this year and practically the first thing i did was eat bacon. later that same day i went to monday night services at the historic and strikingly beautiful shul, (demolished during the allied forces’ invasion, but rebuilt exactly the same on the outside back then in the 40s or 50s – on the inside it is a museum-quality vision of mid-century modern design) with the most astounding architecture and stained glass windows that resemble eames’ version of jewish windows rather than cathedral-like style – wish i could have taken pictures!
and this week i am reading michael chabon who informs me “the craving of a Jew for pork, in particular when it has been deep-fried, is a force greater than night or distance or a cold blast off the Gulf of Alaska.” (the Yiddish Policemen’s Union)
Taunting the tauntable since 1998
John Scalzi, proprietor – JS
Athena Scalzi, contributor – AMS
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