When Bacon and Politics Collide
Posted on October 7, 2008 Posted by John Scalzi 22 Comments
I probably wouldn’t have posted this, except that it involved my own representative:
One of Rep. John Boehner’s local offices was evacuated Monday afternoon after a suspicious package arrived in the mail… Multiple police agencies responded to the Republican congressman’s West Chester office and began an investigation.
After an X-ray analysis, investigators determined the package contained bacon.
It’s hickory-smoked hysteria! Or, more likely, a comment on the recent bailout package, which Boehner voted for twice.
I want to go on the record as saying that I was absolutely not involved in this in any way. If I were going to send him a pork product, after last week’s performance involving being “outraged” at Speaker Pelosi’s comments from the floor, I would have sent him ham.
You may not have been involved, but whose to say Ghlaghghee wasn’t? Perhaps it’s a convoluted attempt at revenge whereby she tries to get you arrested for attempted terrorist attack?
Although on reflection most cat owners tell me a cat would probably be A. too lazy to bother and B. don’t need to make the revenge plots that complex when they have many simpler ways of attaining the same goal.
Also a lot of talk last week about the process of compromise as “making sausage.” Add the Ohio connection, and I’d suspect someone at Bob Evans Farms.
That is hilarious. On a completely unrelated note, excuse me while I go order, say, 535 packages of bacon.
Boehner is your rep? You poor bastard.
I thought I had it bad with Heather Wilson.
Best line of the story: “No injuries were reported . . . .”
Really? Because bacon is generally so dangerous.
What an insidious plot! Many senators will die of heart disease in only a few short decades! All because of bacon.
This senator was very lucky.
Never the less, your FBI file just got thicker, Scalzi…
I’m going to send Jean Schmidt a canned ham.
Hey, all. Son of Man here.
Being from a Jewish family and all, I’m truly offended that Mr. Boehner accepted all that pork. After all, it’s not kosher. (Those among my Gentile followers, I recommend pulled pork at Burbank’s, but that’s another topic.) We’re seriously talking about smiting now. It’s just. That. Serious.
If you live in West Chester, you might want to put in for a vacation. Oh, and look for the revised version of Revelations due out around Lent. We’ve added an eighth plague – the hail of canned hams. Which we’ll be testing on John Boehner’s office soon.
Yes, we are Letterman fans up here. And me, personally, I usually stay up for Colin Ferguson, too.
If we’re doing that contest, I think I win: My rep, until he was thrown in prison, was Jim Traficant.
*waits for someone from Washington, DC to weigh in and really win this particular contest*
You should hear Boehner’s radio ads in southwestern Ohio right now (he’s running for re-election). They go something like this – “the past 2 years, under the democrat’s administration have been just awful, but it’s not all the democrat’s fault.” (really paraphrasing here, except for the ‘it’s not all the *democrat’s* fault)
I’m just sorry I didn’t think of ‘the gift’ myself, and yes, like Scalzi, I would have sent a canned ham. (or maybe pulled pork, but pulled pork would have been nasty in the mail – ooohh – maybe that would have been a better thing to send) ;)
9. Jesus Christ – I’m sorry, Lord, but Hickory River BBQ in Tipp City, or City BBQ in Centerville & Columbus are *much* better than Burbank’s any day of the week.
BTW – Is this Big Butter Jesus writing? Inquiring minds want to know… http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/9786
I wanted to send him a package of Big-Girl Panties(tm) after he bawled and wet himself about mean ol’ Nancy.
At least here in Boston we expect our fake bombs to have blinky colored lights on them. We would never mistake meat for murder.
“Is this Big Butter Jesus writing? Inquiring minds want to know… ”
Oh, Dad, not that monstrosity again. It doesn’t even look like me. It looks like an emaciated Jerry Garcia. (BTW, Jerry and I jam with Keith Moon on weekends. Jerry’s pissed.)
Really, when did I become a tackier messiah than Elvis? Next you guys will be expecting me to go to the Creation Museum, and we already covered my thoughts here on that.
Ham would be good but given Boehner’s past record, methinks a crying towel would also be appropriate. If he loses this year it would give him the towel he would need to throw in.
Black Velvet Painting of the senator ridding a big pig.
This isn’t “either/or”…..
Is Boehner pronounced Boner? Because that is awesome.
I think Fark.com got the headline right.
“Boehner Bacon “Bomb” Leads To Ohio Evacuation”
They also provided a link to this blog.
Sorry, Fighter @19, it’s pronounced BAY-nur.
John, if I lived in your district, I’d try to draft you to run against him. (You wouldn’t have to run as a Democrat. You could be an independent tacitly supported by them, a la Bernie Sanders.)
I know there’s no way that’ll ever happen, but I can dream, can’t I? Mmmm… *Congressman* Scalzi….