A Mildly Risque But Entirely Accurate Assessment of Things in the Scalzi Household

SCENE OPENS on SCALZI HOUSEHOLD. Husband JOHN sets down his eyeglasses. Wife KRISTINE picks them up and puts them on her face.

JOHN
They’re too small. Your head’s too big.

KRISTINE
You’re actually saying that you don’t have the biggest head in the family.

JOHN
Metaphorically, I do. But you’re taller and bigger than I am. Physically speaking, everything’s bigger on you. I have only one thing that’s bigger, because you don’t have one of them.

KRISTINE
You’re talking about your penis there.

JOHN
I am.

KRISTINE
Well, sweetheart. Your penis may indeed be bigger. But I have the bigger set of balls.

66 Comments on “A Mildly Risque But Entirely Accurate Assessment of Things in the Scalzi Household”

  1. Sub-Odeon – I'm a full-time nerd for a large medical care organization, and a part-time Soldier for the United States Army Reserve. I am into science fiction, military history, Utah Jazz NBA basketball, and busty women.
    Sub-Odeon

    LOL! This was so funny.

    Mostly because it sounds frighteningly familiar.

    =^)

  2. Reminds me of the cartoon showing a little boy and a little girl talking. The boy drops his pants and tells the girl he has one of “these” and she doesn’t.

    The girl pulls up her skirt and tells the boy she may not have what he has, but what she has is better. With one of hers she can get as many of his as she wants.

  3. Heh. No.

    Bear in mind that with both Krissy and Athena, I always get their permission before blogging about them in any more than the most general sense.

  4. Sub-Odeon – I'm a full-time nerd for a large medical care organization, and a part-time Soldier for the United States Army Reserve. I am into science fiction, military history, Utah Jazz NBA basketball, and busty women.
    Sub-Odeon

    Smart man.

  5. Krissy is taller than you?

    If this isn’t too personal, how tall are you and Krissy? And do you think that Athena will wind up being taller than you as well?

  6. Heh. That’s a familiar-sounding altercation ’round this household, and it’s at that point that little warning bells saying “You could win this, but it would go badly if you did” sound in my skull. Also, strobe-lights. Klaxons. Little versions of myself scampering around inside squonking air horns shouting “SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPDON’TSAYITMAAAARK!” at the tops of their metaphorical lungs.

    It’s a good day when I listen to those inner warnings.

  7. JReynolds:

    I’m a shade under 5’8′; Krissy is above 5’10”. I have no doubt at all that Athena will be taller than me, since at age nine she’s already taller and bigger than I was when I was in junior high.

  8. As a survivor of 23 years of married bliss (as my wife informs me) two pieces of truth have remained unchanging:

    1 If a man is all alone in the woods, without his wife to hear him, and he speaks–He is still wrong.

    2 As regards balls: It don’t matter if she lets you wear them–she still owns them.

  9. Haaaaaa – I like your wife already!

  10. amandageddon – She is a slacker of the highest order, a geek of not so much, went back to school to become an even bigger geek and possibly get paid for it. She loves it when a plan comes together.
    Amanda

    It’s been said before, and it will be said again: Krissy is awesome. You’re pretty cool, too.

  11. Adam J. Whitlatch – Bonaparte, Iowa – Adam J. Whitlatch is the author of over sixty works of speculative short fiction and poetry, as well as the young adult science fiction novel E.R.A. - Earth Realm Army and the urban fantasy novella Retribution: Book I of the Blood Raven Saga. His work has appeared in Six Sentences, Northern Haunts: 100 Terrifying New England Tales, Dead Science, Shroud, Crossed Genres, The Drabbler, and Vicious Verses & Reanimated Rhymes just to name a few. Adam lives in southeastern Iowa with his wife and two sons. He is currently studying to become an English teacher.
    Adam J. Whitlatch

    PWNED!!

  12. As a man I don’t think I could get through the day without my wife whispering in my ear “remember, thou art mortal.” My wife keeps my feet on the ground and my head out of my ass. She supported me last year when I spent 3 months in the hospital and it really showed me why I married her…even though sometimes I forget.

  13. That’s funny. It’s made more funny by the fact that my browser blocks the pictures but not the text. So I’ve been left sitting here wondering what could possibly be in the picture? I assume from the comments that it is the wonderful Krissy, but before reading them it was a little worrisome.

  14. Justine: It is Krissy giving Herr Scalzi a glare that seems to be saying “you really don’t want to go there since you know I can kick your ass”…

  15. Sub-Odeon – I'm a full-time nerd for a large medical care organization, and a part-time Soldier for the United States Army Reserve. I am into science fiction, military history, Utah Jazz NBA basketball, and busty women.
    Sub-Odeon

    I’ve been married fifteen years, come December, and I agree with post #17 in its entirety.

    With one addition…

    The only time my wife doesn’t want to be in control, is in the bedroom.

    That’s the one place she absolutely demands that I “take charge”, which tends to surprise people who know her.

    OK by me.

    And it makes sense, really. Running shit is, often, not any fun. It’s work. If she had to “run” that part of our lives, too, it would be a drag.

    And that’s a verbatim quote, BTW.

    =^)

  16. Mad Molly – Palo Alto, California, USA – We are a dance team performing English morris dancing, specifically the molly and border sub-genres. Molly hails from the English east coast and border from the border with Wales. We've been in existence since 1995 after our founder went on a pilgrimage morris dance trip to England, and visited the Sidmouth folk festival where she was enthused by the Ouse Washes Molly Dancers and the Shropshire Bedlams border side.
    Vanessa

    Thinking back to the posts where you quote Athena’s dark, precocious humor, I suddenly don’t have any trouble seeing where a lot of that comes from. :)

  17. Sub-Odeon – I'm a full-time nerd for a large medical care organization, and a part-time Soldier for the United States Army Reserve. I am into science fiction, military history, Utah Jazz NBA basketball, and busty women.
    Sub-Odeon

    John, it’s absolutely TMI.

    But then, this entire thread is TMI, IMHO.

    =^)

  18. This is awesome. It’s also even better considering today’s my wedding anniversary (7 years married, 14 years together). With your permission, may I cobble this together as a card to give my husband over dinner tonight?

  19. Ya know, that picture makes it look you have 3 (THREE) refrigerators in the background.

    One for each member of the family?

    No wait – 1 refrigerator for the Humans, and 2 for Kodi.

    Am I right?

  20. John? UPS called. There was some pwnage that was supposed to be delivered to your house, but they got the address wrong – do you want me to have them redeliver or will you pick it up at the depot?

  21. I’m ever upper class high society
    God’s gift to ballroom notoriety
    I always fill my ballroom
    The event is never small
    The social pages say I’ve got
    The biggest balls of all

    I’ve got big balls
    I’ve got big balls
    And they’re such big balls
    Dirty big balls
    And he’s got big balls
    And she’s got big balls
    But Kristine’s got the biggest balls of them all

  22. Pwned!

    So I’m just a bit taller than you.

    And Bryan’s getting rounder! /Airplane!

  23. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me
    Chang

    Krissy Coeli Regina! All Hail Our Queen!

    Please don’t kill me for throwing bottle caps at your husband.

  24. ytimynona – FLORIDA – I'm a big wannabe. Wannabe a truck driver, PotUS, scientist, writer, and teacher. Well, I already am a teacher. :-)
    ytimynona

    Krissy rocks.

  25. It’s great that you bragged about the size of your penis on Whatever the same day dooce cites you as the paragon of blogger free expression. All the indignant mormon mommies are going to be thrilled!

  26. Krissy will never cease to be awesome, she obviously has a life-supply of the stuff.

  27. I’m a shade under 5’6 and my wife is about Krissy’s height. Not only is she way bigger than I am, but she’s also 7 months pregnant. Like the saying goes: “do not meddle in the affairs of the dragon for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup”.

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