Light Schedule Note
Posted on October 24, 2008 Posted by John Scalzi 33 Comments
I’m likely to be posting on a lighter schedule through Tuesday, on account I have things to do and places to be. It’s entirely possible I may even skip a day. Or two! I just want to warn you ahead of time so you don’t worry that I’ve been consumed by bears or something. The consumed-by-bear scenario is, in fact, fairly unlikely. You never know, of course. But I feel confident about that one.
However, if it will keep you amused, by all means think of scenarios in which my being consumed by bears approaches certainty. I have faith in your hypothesizing abilities.
Thar be bears…
If the bears were smart, they’d wait for you to be grease-fattened up by Double-Doubles. (grin)
Dr. Phil
You might fall asleep and fall victim to somebody’s decision to tape bacon to your side, with the scent thus attracting hungry bears…
“Fed to bears.”
Adding on to 2.
I am guessing bacon and sheep’s blood would be involved.
You sleeping on a vacation in Alaska and a vengeful college roommate would be to blame. He might be jealous of your success or Krissy’s giant balls. The world will never know.
As at that point you would be in a bear’s intestines. The killer would be silent about motivations. Unless he pleads insanity. At which point the truth would be revealed Perry Mason style. By myself. You know your death cannot go unpunished.
You are flying home from a con, and there are several other SF writers on the flight. Bad weather, instrument failure, the plane crashes in the Rockies.
The only survivors are you, Greg Bear, and his wife. Snowbound for days with nothing to eat…
Scalzi’s punishment for mocking the holy Creashun Mooseem finally arrives! Divine avenging bears – not as fast as they used to be in Elijah’s day.
You find yourself abandoning a royal infant on a nonexistent coast.
You go to read and sign one winter evening at the Barnes & Noble in Woodmere, an eastern suburb of Cleveland. Afterward, you make a couple of wrong turns and end up at the intersection of Old Brainard Rd and S. Woodland Rd., in which vicinity black bears have been spotted in the last 10 years.
Your car breaks down. There are, by chance, a mama bear and her hungry cubs about. You smell like chocolate cheesecake and cinnamon dolce latte, having just come from the bookstore cafe. You see the shadows approaching in your rear view mirror and mistake them for friendly residents come to help. You get out to greet them; screaming and bloodletting ensue.
HAH! What am I talking about? You never go to read and sign in northeast Ohio.
From Fox News Monday morning…
“OHIO SCIENCE FICTION WRITE KILLED
Bradford, Ohio, science fiction writer John Scalzi was eaten by a bear some time this weekend. Scalzi, known for his blog, his science fiction novels, and a crackpot theory that the world is more than 6000 years old, is perhaps most famous taping bacon to his cat.
Friends say that Scalzi had grown despondent over the past few weeks, worried that he had peaked with his famous bacon cat photo. On Saturday, he told his wife of his plans to tape bacon to a bear. However, the bear had other ideas. According to daughter Athena, his last words were, ‘Hey, everybody! Watch this!’ The younger Scalzi then rolled her eyes and yelled, ‘Mom! You said you wanted to be here when dad went too far! You better get here before the bear finishes eating him!’
The funeral will be held as soon as Scalzi has been excreted by the bear.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be made to the Foundation for Letting Steve Perry Still Live Like a Rock Star Despite Having Been Kicked Out of Journey for Ten Years Now.”
Of course, if past history is any guide, the whole “posting will be lighter than normal for the next few days” thing means that John will fire off an impassioned, eloquent, four-thousand word screed some time between now and Tuesday.
I’m quivering with anticipation.
@10: /I’m/ quivering with ennui. Just to be contrary.
I was going to come up with something involving, hirsute, gay cannibals, but really, do we need any more of *those* stories?
Oh, I’m not worried about bears consuming you; that’s a Colbert problem. Bacon, on the other hand, will somehow find a way to consume you in a rather Freudian fashion.
You are in middle of a large forest and you smell like meat. To the West you hear a waterfall plunging over what sounds like a very tall cliff, to the North is a river that is a raging torrent heading to the West, to the East is a cave where a small bear cub is playing with some sticks that appear to be arranged to spell “YOU LOOK NOMMY”, to the South is a path through the forest.
The sounds of a large mammal are coming from the South.
At your feet is an open package of bacon.
What would you like to do?
That Soldier Field training table just gets more and more extreme…
Bear Finds Easy Snacks at LosCon
Author and gourmand, Elizabeth Bear, appeared well fed following her appearance at LosCon. Despite the grueling nature of her schedule, with numerous panels and little time for sleep or meal breaks, she seemed healthy and full.
“Sorry, but I can’t tell you how I did it.” said Bear, when pressed for her methods for avoiding the usual difficulties with finding time to eat.
Author John Scalzi, who appeared on many of the same panels as Ms Bear, was mysteriously unavailable for comment.
As the delivery truck is leaving Halas Hall, a box full of Zoe’s tale accidentally falls out the back door. Brian Urlacher finds the box and passes out copies to all his teammates. Some of them can even make out the big words…
Well, Mr. S., bears have been sighted in a Columbus Metro Park (OK, it was the one 30 miles south of Columbus by Lancaster). The ursine ninjas may be closer than you think by now.
I’m dissapointed in all of you. Mentioned just two days ago, the mighty Lopsided Cat is on the job. Ridding the Bradford area of various varmints including the ursine variety. The proof of this is easy. Has anyone seen a bear around Bradford in the last couple of years. No? See, the mighty LC has removed the menace of bears. It doesn’t matter if someone is wearing bacon or not. 8P
If by “bears” you mean “police” in Citizens Band parlance, then I can only assume that the old citation for wrongful flirting in New York along with the frottage charges, duelling warrant and the indictment for blasphemy have all hit at once and you will be spending the weekend in the GreyBar Hotel. Good luck and here’s to hoping this is the only time you spend in any area known as “common.”
/ Seriously, New York, wrongful to look at a woman in “that way” according to this site: http://www.lawguru.com/weird/part01.html
// Look up frottage yourself!
“Lopsided Cat is on the job. Ridding the Bradford area of various varmints including the ursine variety.”
From cnn.com Monday morning…
“Remains of Asymetrical Feline Found in Bear Dung Near Bradford, Ohio. Noted Science Fiction Author and Creation Museum Enthusiast Scalzi Missing.”
Quote from local bear: “Hey, don’t look at me. Only you can prevent forest fires. What? There’s no forest around here? [*Burp!*]”
Quote from reporter: “Hey, your breath smells like Scalzi’s aftershave.”
Bear checks into rehab, claiming he’s so dependent on alcohol that he sneaks into Scalzi’s house to drink his aftershave. Bear overdoses after eating Tawney Kitaen, Steven Adler, and Gary Busey in one sitting.
“Remains of Asymetrical Feline Found in Bear Dung Near Bradford, Ohio. Noted Science Fiction Author and Creation Museum Enthusiast Scalzi Missing.”
This tagline from the alternate universe clearly shows that Lopsided cat would FIGHT TO THE DEATH in defense of his hapless feeding slave.
No, I’m not starting an LC fan club. Chang, who is not Chang is much better at this kind of stuff than I am. I just want LC to get his due.
My boss just walked in the room, See ya….
“in hindsight, the Tim Treadwell Memorial Hike was not such a good idea.”
@ KIA #20
I see that law broken repeatedly every day, often by those who are supposed to be enforcing it.
I don’t know… maybe you could be killed because you mistook a real bear for the big, hairy, naked homosexual man with whom you were playing hide-and-seek in the woods?
Most honored and respected Mr. Scalzi, sir:
I understand your desire to emulate Troy Hurtubise; heck, doesn’t everyone want to be like Troy?
But building your own version of the Ursus Mk Vi out of bacon? Really, I think you’ll find bacon is not a great structural material.
(P.S. I hope Mr. Scalzi will forgive a mild pimping here, but if you haven’t seen “Project Grizzly” (available on DVD!), you should.)
Scalzi:
The only way you could be eaten by a bear is if you forget to feed Kodi. You, being the easiest prey in the household (we know your women and cats are tough), would fall victim to her hunger. Perhaps, if you were to leave the benevolent protection of your menagerie of incredibly cute but violently specist fur-people, you might be in danger. Though I think the odds on becoming Kodi kibble are better.
Bear Population in Ohio is on the Rise…
‘Almost all the bear sightings in Ohio have been in the eastern part of the state with majority of sightings being in the counties bordering Pennsylvania and West Virginia. However, bears were also sighted in Highland, Crawford and Erie counties in 2000.’
http://members.tripod.com/wildlifehaven/bear.htm
It also says the best time to spot a bear is right before hibernation time (before October-December) and right after hibernation time (after March-April)
So, now is a not a good time to keep a sleepy bear awake – ’cause you know how sleepy bears are – they are grumpy!
Athena decides that being a bear for Halloween is the thing to do. Unfortunately, the decision to buy the ‘bargain’ bear suit goes horribly wrong.
>>JP @ 6
You mean Elisha, right?
COME ON OUT, YOU BALDHEAD
COME ON OUT
Best overreaction of the Lord, by far.
I could probably find a couple of bears, since there’s a rather large number living within my local area, and ship ’em down to you via next day FEDEX.
What kind would you prefer, black or brown?
Note: most are in hibernation at this point, but I did see some black bear tracks this morning out walking the dog on the moraine trail. I’d be happy to run one down for you, John.
Bears are showing up in the oddest places, suburbia, downtowns and even Wal-Marts, so it’s not entirely unlikely that you may think you’re tipping a bellman when the stealth bear strikes.
Oh wait. Bears. I may have misread that, did you mean this kind of bear?
Because, that would give a whole different spin on the post – and frankly I can’t help you there.