The Very Definition of “All Hat, No Cattle”

It’s here:

I could explain why it was I was wearing such a hat, but, honestly, now, would the truth actually be more interesting than the various reasons you might imagine? I say no. Suffice to say, it’s not my usual attire. Neither is the suit, come to think of it.

The lovely lady in the picture with me, incidentally, is journalist and noted body hacker Quinn Norton. In case you’re wondering, Krissy took the picture, which was no mean feat considering she was laughing quite a bit before and after the photo was taken.

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

43 replies on “The Very Definition of “All Hat, No Cattle””

I might imagine…

“Scalzi’s the name. Col. John Scalzi. And this little lady is destined to light up your fine Cannuck Opry like fireworks. Why, she’ll go over here like gravy on biscuits, I guarantee!”

My alternative — how you go from town to town, scouting potential mineral claims to exploit on behalf of the mining company back east until you’re tragically distracted by the comely womenfolk — really verges on too horrible to contemplate.

This depresses me.

I’m one of those people that has a comically huge, George Lopez/Ted Kennedy/Tim Russert sized head. I have never had a hat fit me that well.

When I worked in a saw mill and had to wear a hard hat, it looked like I was wearing a bright yellow plastic yarmulke with a brim. I felt like a children’s cartoon character from a show about building.

I congratulate you on the silent virtue and dignity with which you wear your cowboy hat, oh great Scalzi.

*sniggers silently to self

I think it’s pretty obvious what’s going on here. John is a fairly well known citizen of a swing state, and just a week to go before the election. The Republicans have clearly gotten to him!

Just wait all of his blog posts will now start with, “My Friends…”

Clearly, you’ve been invited to a high stakes poker game on a riverboat where you will provide the comic relief, woo the bargirl with a heart of gold and win the jackpot by doing something particularly stupid by poker playing standards. You may even have the opportunity to defeat the cheaters and have a gunfight, because you’re a very fast draw when you need to be.

I have to jump on the “you look great!” bandwagon. Which is disturbing for me, as I learned from Seinfeld that living where I live, I’m supposed to chase down and beat up people in that attire. I’m cognitively disconnected now. Your fault.

The deep red tie makes pulls it all together. Very snazzy. I said snazzy! About an outfit that contains a cowboy hat! And I meant it! I need to go lie down.

Re #11: No. That would scare away new readers. And rightfully so.

Actually, my first impression was that you tried to drink a 6-pack of Zima before the experience became unavailable.

It’s amazing how much your appearance changes just by varying the facial/cranial hair lengths. Clean-shaven Scalzi looks nothing like bearded Scalzi, who looks nothing like shave-and-a-buzzcut Scalzi.

Random impressions:
The occasion: A shotgun wedding in Oklahoma, where you were best man? …

I guess the lady’s line to you was “Yuh shore do clean up purty, there, cowboy…”

From the neck up, you look like a member of the traveling cast of “Oklahoma!” From the neck down you look like a banker…too…much…cognitive…dissonance….

Wasn’t Hannibal Lecter a body hacker? She looks more like she could be Krissy’s sister.

Wow, she’s the lady who gave herself an extra sense by having a tiny magnet implanted in one finger! Cool beans! I just read in her linked-to blog (hint: it’s about bodyhacking, among other things) that she had to have it removed, which is a pity.

John…you really look like you’re about to host a children’s TV show.

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