Daily Archives: October 31, 2008

Election List X: Some of The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If You Don’t Vote

This is all true. Election List X: Some of The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If You Don’t Vote 1. Your penis will fall off. If you are a woman, you will grow a penis, which will then fall off. 2. Your peers will point and laugh at you more than they already […]

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Election List IX: The Rationales Each Party Will Give If They Lose The Election

Because it’s important to have an excuse. Election List IX: The Rationales Each Party Will Give If They Lose The Election Republicans: 1. The black vote 2. Also, the youth vote 3. And the elderly 4. And the hispanics 5. And the gays and lesbians 6. And the women 7. And the early voters 8. […]

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Election List VIII: Instances of “[Name] the [Occupation]” That Have Yet to Be Used By McCain or Palin

This goes out to all the plumbers named Joe out there. I love you, man. Election List VIII: Instances of “[Name] the [Occupation]” That Have Yet to Be Used By McCain or Palin 1. Brad the Milkman 2. Sid the Deli Owner 3. Bryan the Surly Indie Music Store Clerk 4. Kim the Overnight Wal-Mart […]

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Election List VII: Bombshells the McCain Campaign Has Yet to Drop About Barack Obama

Once these get out, the electoral map will run red! Election List VII: Bombshells the McCain Campaign Has Yet to Drop About Barack Obama 1. Obama actually 63% black, not 50/50 as previously reported 2. Has not only started measuring the White House drapes, but has already sent them out to be dry cleaned (“to […]

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Election List VI: The Contents of the Republican Poll-Watching Kit

It’s more compact than the Democrat one. Election List VI: The Contents of the Republican Poll-Watching Kit 1. A fifth of gin 2. Ambien 3. Sleep mask

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Election List V: The Contents of the Democratic Poll-Watching Kit

For when the Democrats freak out as the polls inevitably tighten. Election List V: The Contents of the Democratic Poll-Watching Kit 1. Mr. Snuggles, the cuddly Democrat plush bear 2. A dime bag of skunkweed 3. An iPod Nano preloaded with Coltrane, James Taylor and Will.i.am’s “Yes We Can” video; also, Peggle 4. John McCain […]

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Election List IV: The Things I Think About As I Stare At This Picture of Joe Biden

Because I guess I have to write something about him, too. Election List IV: The Things I Think About As I Stare At This Picture of Joe Biden 1. It looks like doll hair. 2. Men shouldn’t botox. 3. I bet Hillary’s still really pissed. 4. I think I drove through Delaware once. 5. Yeah, […]

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Election List III: Things Sarah Palin Has Shot Or Would Shoot From a Helicopter

It’s quite a list. Election List III: Things Sarah Palin Has Shot Or Would Shoot From a Helicopter 1. Wolves 2. Coyotes 3. Arctic foxes 4. Deer 5. Giraffes 6. Tortoises 7. Dolphins 8. Salmon 9. Katie Couric 10. That son of a bitch that divorced her sister 11. Kittens 12. Whoever made that Photoshopped […]

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Election List II: The Verified Miracles of St. Obama

Because he’s not just a presidential candidate! Election List II: The Verified Miracles of St. Obama 1. Restored Joe Biden’s hairline 2. Not only heals the sick but springs for their co-pay 3. Loaves and fishes for every family making less than $200,000 4. Smells intensely and deliciously of butterscotch 5. Offers hope, and also, […]

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Election List I: People/Things I Would Vote For President Before I Would Vote For John McCain

You know, for the last two weeks I’ve been trying to write a long, cogent piece about who I’m voting for and why, but every time I try I am filled with inchoate rage and just want to kick a puppy or someone who voted for Nader in 2000. So instead I’m going to write […]

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