Election List X: Some of The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If You Don’t Vote

This is all true.

Election List X: Some of The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If You Don’t Vote

1. Your penis will fall off. If you are a woman, you will grow a penis, which will then fall off.

2. Your peers will point and laugh at you more than they already do.

3. You will have to listen to smug voters say “if you didn’t vote, you can’t complain” for at least two years.

4. You will be consumed by pillbugs whilst you sleep. They will leave behind nothing but your penis, which as you’ll recall, has already fallen off.

5. You will smell of sour buttermilk until the next New Hampshire primary.

6. Uncontrolled flatulence.

7. Cars will swerve to hit you, even when you are inside your own home.

8. Your World of Warcraft party will turn on you and smite you mightily.

9. Impotence. And not just because your penis has fallen off.

10. Stairs will rise to trip you.

11. Boils. In Biblical plague amounts.

12. Static cling that no amount of Bounce sheets will ever cure.

13. Your cat will take a dump somewhere in the house that you will never find, and the smell will be carried through the air vents for months, all the while the cat will stare at you with that “you’re a real asshole” look they sometimes have. If you do not have a cat, one will be provided for you for the length of time required for it to crap in said undisclosed location.

14. Your credit card will be canceled and your creditors will send someone to repossess your penis. Which has fallen off.

15. Your favorite TV show will be canceled and every time you try to buy the last season on DVD, retailers will be out of stock.

16. Your children will disown you. If you have no children, you will be summarily adopted by a family, and when you attend Thanksgiving at their home, you will be told how disappointed they are in you. For six hours straight. After which they will disown you.

17. Your cabbies will henceforth always take the long route to any destination to which you travel.

18. Zombies, and you without a shotgun.

19. Everyone on your street will win the lottery. You will get a rock.

20. I swear to God, I will learn your address, come to your house, and when you open the door, I will totally kick you in the nads. Which will hurt even more because they’re the only reproductive organs you have left. Because your penis has fallen off.

I trust now you will be sufficiently motivated to vote.

The election lists are now completed. Thank you for your attention.

100 Comments on “Election List X: Some of The Horrible Things That Will Happen To You If You Don’t Vote”

  1. Frankly, McCain supporters are welcome to, and I encourage them to, take a nice long nap on Election Day. Get started on the Gin an Ambien early. In fact, have a lot of both. Bring a dry cleaning bag to bed with you so you don’t soil the sheets if you vomit.

  2. Is there a reason for the mass quantities of Election Related Content?

    Were these suppossed to be spaced out?

  3. Does #18 include a person visit from ZPH?

    Feeling very glad I already voted. The rest of you can be quiet about the election now.

  4. On #3, I always tell them that _they_ have no right to complain, because they bought into the system, and the system won.
    Whereas I don’t.

  5. Wait a second here? I’ve got no shaft, but i still have my nads?

    I think I’d have to get rid of that myself, or I’d just feel like I was walking around with a turkey waddle.

  6. Two nights ago the local news was trying to dispell the rumor going around in Georgia that Republicans vote on Tues, Nov 4, and Democrats vote on Wed, Nov 5.

    It was apparently aimed at newly registered voters voting for the first time, in a vain attempt to offset the massive voter registration drives held in the last few months.

    Judging by the turnout for early voting, and the sheer number of newly minted voters waiting for HOURS to vote at some locations, the newbies have NOT been fooled.

  7. What will you do if I didn’t have a penis to begin with? Wait, I don’t want to know. I’ll just vote and be safe either way, how’s that?

  8. Hell, I was planning on voting the minute the polls open. I’ll line up an hour ahead of time just to keep Voting Cat away from my plumbing…

  9. Personal visit from Scalzi? At my house? Man, that’s worth not voting for! (Don’t worry – I’m in Maryland. My state doesn’t even allow swing-dancing.)

  10. Would you still be as passionate and persuasive if I said I said “If I vote, I plan to vote for McCain.” Is it more important that I vote, regardless of who I vote for or is it more important that the candidate of YOUR choice have a better chance at being elected?

    Would you rather see a 100% turnout where McCain wins, or a 50% turnout where Obama wins?

  11. I think that as many people should vote as possible, so that the elections reflect as closely as possible the actual political view of the citizenry.

  12. Ok this post is possibly the best ever! I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pull a muscle somewhere. Unfortunately I already voted (by mail), so I cannot grow a penis and then have it fall off. Your wife is a lucky woman, funny men are HOT.

  13. Lactar,


    Is it better to have a high turnout, with the vast majority being poorly informed or badly-informed voters?

    Or low turnout, with a much higher percentage of educated, informed voters?

  14. You have convinced me, I should totally vote.

    Do I have to be, I don’t know, preregistered or something?

  15. John:

    I’m thinking Zeus is pulling a #13 on you whether you vote or not. Also, cats don’t strike me as the democratic type.

  16. 21. Andy Dick will come to your house.
    22. He’ll bring Axl Rose with him.
    23. Some really cool musician (Pick one: Tom Waits, Jimmy Page, any Spice Girl besides Victoria Beckham) will die right after the election.
    24. And Axl Rose will still live.
    25. Did we mention your penis will fall off?
    26. The ghost of Robert Goulet will mess with your stuff.

  17. This writing was so inspirational and full of righteous fury that it broadcasted its influence from the future to the past, where it inspired me to go and vote early in Finnish muncipal elections two weeks ago. Thank you, this really does explain that strange feeling on the last early vote day.

    Go Scalzi go!

  18. I take public transit. Right now everybody is talking to each other, so you get quite a mix of opinionated people, as well as the people waiting in line with me to vote were very vocal in our discussions.

    Judging by the conversations I’ve had with all manner of people over the last couple of weeks, I think most of the voters this time around have made it a point to become as informed as possible about the candidates and the issues. The fallout from the economic crash is hitting home and is very personal, and has made them want to learn what’s really going on. This is also true on the national, state and local levels.

    So I would venture to say that this time we’re going to have a high turnout of well-educated, informed voters, with a larger than normal percentage of them NEW voters of all ages voting for the first time in their lives.

  19. See, this is why early voting is awesome. You get to beat the crowds and get the “I voted” smugness before anyone else.

    Side note: Another perk, going to school right across the street from an early voting place. I just waltzed right in while the normal population is at work and voted. Only had to wait a moment for the lady to set up the machine for me. I believe the term to use is WIN!

    Side side note: This was my first presidential vote ever. And my first real vote ever (primaries don’t count). Here’s hoping that my vote (Obama) turns out better than my mother’s first vote: Nixon.

  20. Well all the TV coverage and incessant hyping of the election as well as John’s threats to my manhood make me feel that I ought to vote.

    Major stumbling block however is that I’m not actually an American citizen. (Although given the piles of steaming doo-doo the current incumbent handed us many over here feel we ought to have some sort of input in the process).

    As it is I’ll just have to join John in urging you all to vote whatever your political persuasion – otherwise I’m sure I can think of a suitably horrible punishment from the UK , almost certainly involving the penis. (Hmmm – as it happens Russel Brand is now out of a job. Co-incidence? Maybe not!).

  21. Congrats, Jenneon!

    I thought of the worst thing that could happen – “Your office will block your access to Whatever.”

  22. Voted yesterday. My penis is safe for at least another 4 years. Oh wait, 2 years with governor and off year elections in 2010. Some municipal elections in-between.
    OK, I can do this. Continual penis safety, that’s the way to go

    Why do we call it off year elections anyway?

    John, you’ve been thinking about this for a while haven’t you.
    You’re usually prolific but daaaang, that’s a whole heck of a lot of words there pardner.

    I’m waiting for XII and on

  23. And may I add, vote as early as possible. If you have an early voting option, use it. If you can vote during the day on election day, don’t wait until the evening.

    Make sure you vote by getting it done. Then you can parade around your “I VOTED” sticker and exude smugness.

  24. Mr. Scalzi, you and I disagree may disagree politically, but I’m 100% on board with your point here. I have not failed to vote since I came of age and I do not plan to start now. The ability to vote in free and open elections is something far too many people take for granted.

  25. I’ve got no shaft, but i still have my nads?

    Yes. Which John Scalzi will then kick you in. As you double over in agony, thank the hundred little gods that he didn’t send his wife to kick you in the nads, because they would find both you, and your nads, wrapped around a street sign somewhere in Manitoba. Separately.

  26. Jenne @27:

    I tried that on Monday and waited 45 minutes to vote. My mom had a similar wait at a different early voting location on Sunday. I drove by the courthouse in Tallahassee today and the line was around the block at 10:30 this morning. The line has been 50-200 almost all day every day since Sunday. Here in FL, we like to vote early and vote often.

  27. Another reason to vote, even if your stat is traditionally RED and you are BLUE from the CNN WEBSITE:

    “The latest CNN national Poll of Polls, released Friday morning, finds McCain leading by 4 percentage points in Arizona, which he has represented in Congress for 25 years. The poll of polls found the Republican leading Obama 49 percent to 45 percent, with 6 percent of the state’s voters undecided.”

    Obama is now running ads in McCain’s home state.

  28. Sub:

    Tangential response: I think it’s better that everyone vote, no matter how “well informed” they are or not. Once you start making value judgments on someone’s level of informedness, where do you stop? Who get’s to judge? How do you balance “informed” versus capacity to understand? How would you evaluate the level of contextual background compared to presented facts? How would you feel if someone told you that you weren’t informed enough to cast a vote?

    I agree with John’s response. Everyone should vote, no matter what. There’s no excuse not to.

    BTW, I voted on Tuesday. My reproductive organs are safe.

  29. I live in Oregon, and dropped off my mail-in ballot nearly two weeks ago. If I had a penis, it would be secure. I shall, however, pass along this URL to a few friends of the penis-enabled sort, just in case.

  30. Alas, no early voting in NY…and I’m thinking my polling place is gonna be mobbed.

    Side note, I haven’t missed a single election since I was old enough and voted in the four different states I’ve lived in during that time and I’ve never gotten a freakin sticker.


  31. John – have you found a super-secret, amazing energy drink or somethin’? You’re totally on a tear, dude.

    Rock on.

    (Oh… and vote!)

  32. Note to self: Make sure next World of Warcraft party has no Priests in it. No Priests = no Smite spells. Also, avoid battlegrounds and PVP servers.

  33. This is why I no longer obsess over politics. Or blog.

    Well, that and because one party has lost its principles and the other has lost its marbles. And I don’t know which one is which.

  34. I voted yesterday. The excitement in the polling place was tangible, even here in California, where the outcome is pretty much set in stone. But it’s important to vote here if only to make sure you vote No on Proposition 8!

  35. “Uncontrolled flatulence.”

    Hypothetically, if one already has “uncontrolled flatulence”, will voting cure it?

    Not that I’m asking for my own benefit. I’m asking for…a friend who hasn’t voted yet.

  36. Voted yesterday! Stood in line for a litte over an hour.. and added a little blue to this red state! Relief..fates avoided.

  37. I dunno about #1, John. I mean, if I could be guaranteed that it would fall off, I kind of would like to grow a penis just to know what the heck you guys have all been so excited about.

  38. So something bad is gonna happen if to me if i don’t go choose between a ‘spread-the-wealth’ type socialist who calls for ” a civilian national security force that’s just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded.”(as the US military), and a ‘country-uber-alles’ type national socialist whose most honest campaign promise is that he will give us more war. And if i can’t stomach either of them, i can vote for a libertarian candidate who is the precise opposite of an actual libertarian. Yeah, something bad is going to happen. One of these assholes is going to win.

  39. After the review here of “Cycler” I’m thinking #1 part B isn’t that much of a threat. It’s more of a product trial period with no commitment. ;-)

  40. So something bad is gonna happen if to me if i don’t go…


    This has been another in a continuing series of Easy Answers to Easy Questions.

  41. I voted this morning, so no need for the instant penis growing/removal episode. I was startled though. There were more people in line to vote this morning than there usually are at peak hours during on election day. It took me over an hour to get through the line and vote. More astounding, according to others, the early polling venue has been this busy every day since it opened a week and a half ago.

    So John, you should be happy. At least here in Indiana (I still can’t believe we’re a swing state!), there are scads more people voting than usual this go ’round.

  42. I voted already! Really! And have thereby missed the chance to grow (and then lose) a penis of my very, very, own…Woe is me.

  43. Given the way we select the two major party candidates, I’m not sure you can say that it really reflects the “will of the people” even if everyone votes. The vote I mailed in a couple weeks ago reflects my views on the candidates on the ballot, but it doesn’t say much about who I think should actually be president. Sadly, it says a lot more about who I think should not actually be president.

  44. I can’t vote. I can’t vote because I wanted to get a Social Security Number, having been dragged to the Uck because of my parents at the age of 2. In all the intervening years, getting a Postal Vote Form from the Embassy in London had been enough, but thanks to the effing PATRIOT Act, having turned up in person to get an SSN and shite like that means that I HAVE TO WAIT for my orginal birth certificate to get dug out of the archives in FRAKKING DC to be issued with a Social Security Number.


    Sorry for caps. I’m *SERIOUS ANGRY* right now.

  45. There’s an ELECTION on TUESDAY?!

    Why didn’t anyone tell me? Where do I go to register to vote?

  46. Milieu, call your county courthouse. It differs state by state what the procedures are. In my state you just fill out a form and turn it in.
    I’m looking forward to invading the polling place with my boy-horde. It’ll be even more fun when my oldest gets a job and finds out he has to pay taxes but can’t vote yet. We’ve got a few years to go on that one, yet.

  47. I feel compelled to point out an oxymoron..
    I enjoy Sci-Fi in part for the escape from reality it can provide.

    So, what do I get on a prominent Sci-Fi author’s blog?? A mega-dose of the very reality i’m looking to escape!

    ( And yes I did mail in my vote, so lay off my ‘nads! ;)

  48. Ummm, if you are a US citizen legally entitled to vote and for some unfathomable reason you are not registered to vote, that means you ARE registered to get ALL the party favors listed above in all the lists heaped onto you many times over.

    AND, you will have forfeited your right to complain in any form or fashion about the state of the State of teh Union for the next four years.

    Any questions? I thought not.

  49. I’ll second what Brian C said.

    lately, all of my escapist reading has been SF, and I’m reading it to try and climb out of the 24/7 crazy box that has become our U.S. political scene.

    I pray that no matter who “wins” on 04NOV08, that the political punditry tornado will die down and that all of our media — paper, internet, radio, TV — can maybe go back to doing more than screaming at us in political wonkese.

  50. @69: Uh, huh. This afternoon, an NPR story veered off into speculation as to who would run for the Republican nomination next time ’round.

    Only 1,467 days until Election Day ’12, everybody!

  51. Okay, I can’t believe we are 70 some posts down and nobody has done this yet.

    Lookie there! In Ohio, they let a cat vote! Oh noes, electionalational frudulation! Call out the lawyers, call out the national guard, call out the acru!

  52. I would vote if I could, but this year isn’t an election year where I’m registered, and in the places where it is an election year, I’m not allowed to register.

    I am, however, following the election Drama with a high level of interest.

  53. Scalzi,

    I know some prominent physicist who would take you to task on your definition of “now”.

    It’s great talking to them, it’s like getting drunk, but without the hangover. Apart from looking at solid surfaces, prodding them with your finger and whimpering in agony at the sheer improbability of it all. Then you hear a noise.

    And scream

    But you know. It’s good. It’s all good. Yes. I’m fine. And I know I’m in a chair, at a desk, and not *really* quivering filaments of harmonious probability, chiming together in a metasyntactic display of pseudodiscordancy.

    Someone please help me.

  54. John@70 writes:

    My fiction takes place in the future, but my life takes place now.

    Just for once, I want to meet a writer who writes fiction taking place now, but who lives in the future.

    Though, on reflection, there are some writers where that might be the actual explanation… Naww.

  55. I noticed an error:

    15. Your favorite TV show will be canceled and every time you try to buy the last season on DVD, retailers will be out of stock.

    Shouldn’t that be out of cock? Your penis has fallen off, you know.

  56. I’m totally disappointed that the Ghlaghghee fan club did not post anything in response to the above picture.

    I find the comments of the early voters useful. PA doesn’t permit “early” voting. Usually, I vote in the morning and then continue my commute to work. In the past, that means I pretty much walk-in, identify myself, sign in, etc. and vote. A process which might take 10 extra minutes out of my morning commute. With the reports of unusually long lines at polling places, I think I may show up promptly at 7 am on Tuesday just to ensure that I’m not late to work. (Which translates to about 20 minutes earlier than I’d normally show up.)

  57. If you don’t vote, that totally hot chick you’ve been meaning to ask out will find out and sneer at you in disgust as if you just made made a loud, wet fart. Which won’t really matter, anyway, because your penis will have already fallen off.

  58. I am completely registered and ready to exercise my democratic right to vote … on the 8th, which is when NZ’s elections will be held. I get to choose between a party which has run the country at a loss for the past eight years, a party which wants to /borrow money/ to give us tax cuts, and a bunch of small parties with absolute nutjob policies.

    I mean, most of the parties on this list I’ve never /heard/ of before. The Family Party? Residents Action Movement? At least the Republic of New Zealand Party and the Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party spell out clearly the single issues they’re platforming on. The LibertariaNZ Party, on the other hand, spends its time /protesting outside parliament/ because it has no seats in the House. Where is your dignity, LibertariaNZ? Did it atrophy when you chose that “kreatyve” name?

    Ah well, at least the number I can choose from is greater than two. And to be properly thankful … hey, I get to /choose/! Lots of people can’t do that.

    For those of you in the States, good luck, and may the best reptilian kitten eater win.

  59. I’ve given the matter much thought and decided not to vote on Tuesday. I did vote in two lots of Australian elections in a twelve-month period. Also, I’m not sure my brain can cope with working out any sort of electoral mathemetics after the Hare-Clark counting of the last two weeks.

    Good luck on Tuesday. Me, I’m going to be watching the Melbourne Cup.

  60. Well, I hadn’t been going to vote, but if this is what’s going to happen if I don’t I guess I’ll just have to see if I can manage that whole getting US citizenship and registering before Tuesday….

  61. @Brian-C, Granted SF novels, since they are located in the future some may consider them as an escape from reality, but only the current one. SF novels try to predict how the future will look like (not necessarily that far either), which is hardly an escape in my opinion.

  62. … A little phallocentric, don’t you think????
    Something you need to share with us Scalzi… hmmmm?

  63. I like how this is completely at odds with Rothfuss’ “Why you shouldn’t vote.” Though I suppose you could agree with both at the same time.

  64. Love your 20 reasons. You are a genius.

    And I early voted on Tuesday so I could have hip replacement surgery on Wednesday. Trust me, you don’t want it. The only thing worse would not having it as an option and winding up in a wheelchair eventually.

    Back to doing laps around the second floor of the hospital.

  65. One other note, off topic. What this hospital needs is another under-50 hip replacement patient so we can use our walkers to do a “Days of Thunder” hospital hallway race.

  66. Being a non-voter, I appreciate seeing any “go vote” messages that don’t automatically go for the fire and brimstone.

    John @ 17:

    I think that as many people should vote as possible, so that the elections reflect as closely as possible the actual political view of the citizenry.

    I agree with the second half of this . . . it’s just that, to reflect as closely as possible my political views, I shouldn’t vote. It’s like polling people to pick the car they find least harmful to the environment–there’s no inherent contradiction in the concept, but it’s also obvious that there might be some people whose preference of “none of the above” is outside the parameters of the question.

  67. Robert Hutchinson @ 94 –

    The analogy only goes so far. If you answer a poll about a car, it’s not likely to affect your life for the next four years.

    Whereas on this issue, your life will be affected for the next four years. And your family’s lives. And your friends’ lives.

    That’s why I care.

    Me and my friends always had disagreements on politics, sometimes very vehement ones that can result in people only talking about, say, weather for the next several days. But one thing we all agree on—we have to care about this country, because we live in it. Our friends live in it, our families live in it, our lives are here.

    If you’re not going to commit suicide, life is unfortunately not an opt-out experience.

  68. Arachne Jericho @ 94:

    The analogy was only meant to go so far.

    And not voting does not mean that I don’t care. I just care about focusing my attention on the most effective (metaphorical) weapons, and in my estimation, a vote ranks waaaaay down the list.

  69. Robert Hutchinson #96 –

    And voting doesn’t take Herculean amounts of effort. If you don’t want to vote in person, get an absentee ballot. *Easy* to fill out and mail in. Even I can do it, and I have a job and a commute that has me leaving the house at 5am and returning at 8pm or even later.

    Plus things like Proposition 8 go in or out based on votes. And so do presidents and your reps and your sentors. How will you fight for or against such things? To say that presidents don’t matter ignores the last eight years of fail. To say that congress doesn’t matter… also ignores the last eight years of fail. To say that them failing didn’t affect our lives—at least look at what’s happened lately. To say that propositions don’t matter ignores the fact that they may destroy marriages or take money away from necessary projects or de-regulate the folks who’re supposed to take care of the elderly in nursing homes.

    What can you do against such things?

    Are you going to try to break laws? Revoke things by protest? Write letters? Protest? Flee to other states or countries, or encourage others to? If you’re going to do these things, then you might as well vote as a preventative measure. A vote is a vote; part of a storm or a flood or a river. Without raindrops there is no rain.

    I really don’t see how voting doesn’t matter, unless you’re just counting on everyone *else* to vote, so you don’t have to.

  70. Do? Don’t? Whatever, if you reach 52 years of age and, if male, your penis will ‘metaphorically’ fall off, Pfizer knowz god and will sabotage bridges until they get theier way: If female & straight, your boyfriend/mate/old man’s will do the same once they pass the magic (52) threshold and read the previous: If female & other,uh, something ‘else’ will/will not happen. Or not…

  71. 5. You will smell of sour buttermilk until the next New Hampshire primary.

    Of course that’s only about 7 or 8 months after this election.

    At least that’s what it will seem like when the 2012 presidential campaign starts Wednesday night.

  72. Arachne Jericho @ 97: To say that congress doesn’t matter… also ignores the last eight years of fail.

    Comparing the last two years of fail to the six years of fail before it, I cannot come to the same conclusion.

    A vote is a vote; part of a storm or a flood or a river. Without raindrops there is no rain.

    But without a raindrop there is still rain. I understand the aggregation argument, but what I have control over is not the aggregate.

    (Plus, I’d like the storm/flood/river to stop entirely one day. Seems like no matter where it gets diverted, it still manages to find new towns to wash away.)

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