Why You Totally Want to Come to Loscon Next Week

So you can catch the live show of this:

Me, to Wil Wheaton, via IM: Confirming: We’re going to see you next week at Loscon?

Wil Wheaton: I haven’t been able to get anyone on the horn in an official capacity, but I’m still planning on crashing it, if nothing else. Do you have an e-mail address of someone I can pester?

Me: Yeah, I do. Hold on — (sends e-mail address) — That’s the head of programming. Tell him that if he doesn’t find something for us to be on, I will throw the hissy-est fit imaginable.

Wil: Of all the fits you can throw, the hissy is the most terrifying. That should get results.

Me: Oh, it WILL. They will live in fear of me.

Wil: Well, clearly they are wise, and have good survival instincts.

Me: I just want to burnish my credentials as an insufferable prima donna, you know?

Wil: Dude. Come spend some time with me. Learn at the feet of a master.

Me: “Fix me pot pie!”

Wil: Good, but try: “Are you fucking kidding me? Where’s my pot pie?”
“I came all the way here, and you can’t even make a fucking pot pie?”
Then you sort of shake your head, like you’re really disappointed.

Me: Actually, the line I will be using is “Are you fucking kidding me? Where’s my Double-Double?” Because I had as an actual condition of my attendance that I would have an In-N-Out caddy to keep me supplied with Double-Doubles.

Wil: You have to be prepared to throw whatever they bring you into the face of a hapless volunteer.
Can you do that?
Because it can make you legendary. You just have to be willing to go all the way.

Me: “What the fuck is THIS? I wanted it ANIMAL STYLE!!!! You fucking DWEEB.”

Wil: Yeah, then you open it up, and rub it in his face: “I’m sorry, maybe YOU can find the pickles in this for me.”

Me: And then stuff the remains down his pants. And give him a meat wedgie.


Me: Excellent. So, wanna be my In-N-Out caddie?

Wil: How does that compare to: a) lackey and b) flunky ?

Me: They don’t get animal style face smearings.
Anyway, scratch that. You can be in my entourage.

That’s where I get to follow you around, and act like I’m really important just because I’m following you around!

Me: It’s like you’re rolling natural 20s, because I’m rolling natural 20s.

Wil: I’m an NPC!

Me: Really, is there anything better?

Wil: I’ll finally multiclass, and take some ranks in Insufferable Bastard

Me: You’re your own Expansion Pack, Wil. Live that dream.

Wil: I’m doing it, John. I’m really doing it.

82 Comments on “Why You Totally Want to Come to Loscon Next Week”

  1. I’m a little ashamed that I have a deep understanding of the last third of this post. . . .

    . . . and I wish I could go to Loscon.

  2. Why are none of *my* IM conversations this interesting? Is it because I’m not talking to Wil Wheaton?

  3. You two fuckheads need to watch your fucking language.

    I mean.. WTF!

    Oh I do love the Loscon site.

    John Scazi is NOT the guest of honor. (at least on the nav bar on the left side)

    John Scalzi’s Blog is! http://www.loscon.org/35/

    So John.. best kiss Whatever’s ass so it might share the double double’s w/ you.

  4. Maybe you’ll start a new con tradition. There will be both an official Guest of Honor and an official (or at least designated) Prick of Honor.

  5. Well, although it was a bit embarrassing that I laughed out loud at work and then was made to suffer ongoing interrogation about ‘What was so funny?’ which was made worse by the fact that I knew I would be unable to explain it to a sad bunch of non-geeks… thanks anyway. That was hilarious!

  6. I’m sorely disappointed by the lack of orbital laser cannon references in that IM exchange. Sorely so.

  7. Why do I get the feeling that, as a girl, I wasn’t supposed to understand any of that (and am not-so-secretly delighted that I in fact DID)?

  8. OMFG that was funny.

    Consider making Wil your roadie so he has to carry all your stuff around. And, you should talk on walkie talkies the whole time, even when you’re standing together.

  9. If I was in LA on Thanksgiving, I’d so totally go. Maybe Wil will let me sleep in a tent on his lawn.

  10. I note that the Loscon 35 site seemingly has John Scalzi’s Blog listed as Guest of Honor (at least in the left panel). I’ve always suspected this place of being sentient.

    I’d been hoping that they’d at least have some new and different panels this year, but the panel names and descriptions really seem like more of the same old, same old. Why is it that so many cons just seem to recycle a handful of program ideas? The world doesn’t need another panel on “Why is Fandom So (old, white, socially unskilled, flatulent, take your choice)?” Let’s get something new happening, people. Like now.

  11. Wow, I can never go to LosCon. I have my very-extended-family-by-choice-many-of-whom-I-see-once-a-year-at-this-gathering gathering then. If I move to Southern California (which will happen only as a result of a cruel sentence imposed by a sadistic judge for a crime I have yet to be falsely accused of), the Boggie Bloat (as we call it) will be out of striking distance, and LosCon becomes possible.

    Y’all have a real good time though!

  12. Ha – that interchange made me sad I am so far from LA. (Midwest)… and I am not sure if I am scared that I understood the exchange or not.

    As a reader of both this and Wil’s blog… I am glad (or scared?) to find out the IM exchange is the same as it would be in a blog post.

  13. GVDub 17: The world doesn’t need another panel on “Why is Fandom So (old, …, flatulent, …)?”

    Because we’re a bunch of Old Farts? Or perhaps I speak only for myself.

  14. I will totally be in LA from freakin’ Minnesota on turkey day weekend, and will most likely be chained to my boyfriend’s family for the duration. :-( Maybe we’ll be able to escape for a bit.

  15. Too bad I can’t go. I think it would be really entertaining to see a blog do a GOH speech at the banquet.

  16. In actuality, John’s lackey for In-N-Out will be Tadao Tomomatsu, also known by people as Mr. Shake Hands Man and the Japanese Interpreter cop blown up with New York in the first episode of Heroes.


    If you are are going to LosCon, hang around for the evening entertainment and the room parties, too.

    Lee Whiteside
    (Who’s hosting a Discworld Party Friday night and a FiestaCon party Saturday night in room 1712).

  17. Meh.

    They’ll probably spend the Con doing what they usually do.

    Chinese food, D&D, and avoiding spouses.

  18. Gawd, I love you guys.

    Our moving efforts will keep us in LA for this Thanksgiving instead of at Chez Famille de Fiancee, so I will see if I can convince her to join me in bringing you extra In-N-Out.

    Should be an easy sell, she loves In-N-Out grilled cheese sammiches…

    Hope to see you there!

  19. I want to come to Loscon. I’ve been planning to come to Loscon. But their site–well. See all of my fellow Whateververians above, plus the fact that 1.5 weeks out, there’s still no schedule.

    Why can’t you write for the new Doctor Who, so I could see you at Gallifrey?

    Since the trip from the SF Valley to the LAX via the underappreciated LA Metro system is somewhat daunting, I’ll probably only make it down for one day. If they would be so kind as to post a schedule, I’d be able to tell you which. But since that is not the case, look forward to random stalking. But I’m sure you’re used to that.

  20. Dang. If my university were in Los Angeles instead of Cleveland, I would totally be there. Have fun, though!!!

  21. GVDub @17: Why is it that so many cons just seem to recycle a handful of program ideas? The world doesn’t need another panel on “Why is Fandom So (old, white, socially unskilled, flatulent, take your choice)?” Let’s get something new happening, people.

    You’re right. We need new ideas. Why do we keep having the same old ideas?

    We should hold a panel on why fandom is so unoriginal.

  22. Wow. I just realized I will be trapped in LA with my in-laws and this may be just my ticket for an afternoon by myself. So, should I stop by In-n-Out on the way? I really don’t want to get smeared with meat, though, so maybe not.

  23. #28 Talon 19 Nov 2008 at 3:20 pm
    Y’all need to decide which one of you is Batman and which is Robin.

    Even better, who’s Hank and who’s Dean. ;)

  24. Just for the record, there’s never a schedule of panels out this far ahead of LosCon. At least, not the years I’ve been there. It all works out, though, so I never worry about it.

    Then, again, I’m a spontaneous sort of person. Probably comes from a childhood of having to pick up and go on month-plus long work trips with my dad on about an hour’s notice. We’d have to pack the clothes, pack the non-perishable foods, pack the pots and pans and be ready to go when Dad got home from work because he’d have to be at work in the new place early the next morning.

    Anyway, sorry for the digression.

    As far as why Thanksgiving weekend for LosCon…I understand its tradition. Best way I know of to avoid Black Friday and all that retail madness.

    Gods willing and the creek don’t rise, I’ll be there.

  25. Really want to go…

    But Thanksgiving being the second time I’ve visited since school started, and the first when my brother will be home as well, I don’t think my family would be in favor of me driving all the way down to LA. Not that they’d want me doing that anyway, really. *sigh*

    Also, I wish my IM conversations were anywhere near as epic.

  26. Excellent work Scalzi.

    ~E, who is helping host the “Leigh Ann Hildebrand Presents Chris Garcia’s Swinging Fanzine Lounge, PM Edition” party in room 1715 (or so I’m told)

  27. Elaine@42:

    Well, I guess it’s good to know that this is the con’s MO, and not just a disorganized anamoly for this year. I still find it offputting.

    Since I’m in town and not at the con hotel, AND I don’t own a car (by choice) I have to weigh a day’s fun/interesting quotient againt the logistical requirements of getting there.

    That said, I hope to make it to at leat one day, if for no other reason than to buy our esteemed host a Coke Zero.

  28. I went and looked at the link for the Double-Double.
    It had been confusing me for a while, as John had mentioned it a few times.

    I’m surprised you can’t hear my arteries clanging shut all the way over there.

  29. @50

    I need to bleach my eyeballs now.

    (Seriously guys, keep writing. But if you do it wearing an ammo belt and a smile, I don’t want to know. mkay?)

  30. This is why they invented IM. Centuries from now, when telepathic communication will be the norm, there will still be people typing away at ancient keyboards, on antique terminals, just as a homage to this conversation.

    I thank you both, kind sirs. Now if anybody asks me about IMing at work, I’ll just shake my head, look upon them with sadness and understanding and point them to this conversation, so that they may read and be enlightened.

  31. You guys would totally hang together the entire time, laughing at us and sharing inside jokes.


    See? I can do the passive aggressive thing. I’d come along but pretend like I totally hated it.

  32. I think we’ll be going on Saturday, but we can’t afford the whole weekend. We’ll be driving up from the Oceanside area.

    You guys better be that funny in person if I’m spending this much on gas and driving for two hours there and two hour back with both my wife AND our one year old.

  33. We should try to pull together a Whatever meetup for those moments when his Scalziness is too busy being cruel to Wil Wheaton to entertain us.

  34. My first thought was saving throw vs geekdom, oh! he throws a rock. My second thought was what is this pimp the Wheaton week?

  35. You just reminded me that I hadn’t yet registered for a con where my cousin’s favorite author (one of them, anyway) is a GoH.

    In the process, I found a con that is happening ON MY BIRTHDAY, at Texas A&M (where my brother goes to school, and, uh, my university’s rival). I’m super-duper excited and going to be super-duper annoying about it (to him, not you) until the con arrives!

    Yay sci-fi geekiness!

  36. John – I think you should aim for getting one of your con appearance riders posted on The Smoking Gun.

    (Incidentally, Iggy and The Stooges’ rider is on there, and is quite amusing.)

  37. John, as far as you know, what’s the best day to be there for maximum ScalziWheatonification? I’m not gonna be able to be there both Friday and Saturday. :\


  38. Saturday it is then. How many double-doubles you want?

    (like you won’t already be buried in a pile of them after this)

    Fries: normal or “well-done?”

  39. As part of your entourage, can I be the one who gets to hold his hand in front of the TMZ camera?

    I always wanted to be a hand model and this is my chance to be discovered.

  40. “It’s like you’re rolling natural 20s, because I’m rolling natural 20s.”

    I just exploded with nerdic glee.

  41. hey…i don’t see you as a guest at penguicon yet!!!!! why not? wil is going to be there (i hope…not that i wish his career bad karma or anything, but nobody better call him for an audition this time). spider is going to be there. I am going to be there!!!!!

    please come. i don’t want to have to pout.

  42. Elijah, your arteries will not “clang shut”. The awesomeness of the double double is so great that rather than blocking, impeeding, and otherwise obstructifying, your ateries will actually be lubricated, permitting a smoother and more efficient flow of blood.

    And the fries should be well-done. I’m surprised this still has to be explained.

  43. Oy, you two!
    That was some hilarious geekery. …Had me laughing out loud for quite some time.
    Its a good thing I live alone, otherwise people would think I’m well and truly strange.

    oh, wait…

  44. Wil Wheaton + John Scalzi = incomprehensible levels of geek sexy

    I have no idea what I’d do if I met you both in the same place and time.

    Wait, yes I do. I would hide. And prepare a script to follow lest I babble incoherently about OMFG I LURVES YOUSE!


  45. Post like this are why I am a brand-new Scalzi fan for life.

    I just read Your Hate Mail will be Graded. I am now hooked. I wasn’t spending enough time reading blogs while I should be working, so this is just what I needed. Thanks.

    Sarcasm is not the lowest form of wit. That honor belongs to the pun.

  46. You guys need to bring the Wil-N-Scalzi Roadshow to Ontario; I’d totally see to it you had all the Double-Doubles you could choke on :)

    (and…. um, not necessarily in the innuendo-laden way that sounded like, though given how polite and accommodating we Canadians tend to be, I’m sure we can… erm… accommodate you. Somehow. Maybe with a warm maple glaze sauce…)