A Holiday Tradition Here at Whatever
Posted on December 9, 2008 Posted by John Scalzi 21 Comments
Because it’s that time of year again, let’s link back to my 2002 seasonal humor piece, “The 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time.”
Those of you who have read it before will enjoy it just like you do all those Christmas specials you’ve seen dozens of times; those of you who have not read it before, well. You’re in for it now. Enjoy.
Yikes! So who is going to do the al Qaeda raid on Santa’s workshop?
Perhaps Brzezinski?
Ah, Shields & Yarnell.
I miss them.
– A Very GNR Christmas – Work started on this special in 1993, and front man/sole remaining member Axl Rose promises that the show, now fifteen years in the making at a cost of $250 million (and still counting) will air “soon.”
– An Andy Dick Christmas. The alleged comic manages to get guest Tawney Kitaen back on painkillers, has his ass kicked by Jon Lovitz, and manages to offend cohost Michael Richards.
Funny parodies, John.
I read through many of the comments made back then. I’m struck by how many of them were linked to you from somewhere else and simply included a regurgitated list of the specials.
It made for a less enjoyable reading experience than the current Whatever. I’m glad you’re able to screen those out now.
As a Canadian, I find your version of Cronenberg’s Christmas special to be…
…A consummation devoutly to be wished. Although I have nothing against Mr. Howe, I believe watching Mr. Adams and Mr. Ackroyd being devoured would be wonderfully cathartic. Throw in the symbolic disembowelling of Ann Murray by a possessed William Shatner (is there any other kind?) and I’ll loop the playback while smashing beer bottles with a block of frozen back bacon.
Ah, I love the holidays.
The sad thing is that these fake specials are all more entertaining than some of the Christmas schlock that we’ve been subjected to for real.
So, today I thought Whatever was stuck in October. Then I realized I hadn’t updated my link and that scalzi.com/whatever was no more!!!
Nice Christmas specials. Orson Welles seems to have a habit of strange radio programs, doesn’t he…
I was expecting the StarWars Holiday Special to show up, but after reading the descriptions on your list, It actually doesn’t sound so bad anymore.
An Inconvenient Christmas: Santa’s North Pole workshop becomes a floating factory, he has to shave his reindeer, and the sleigh becomes a pontoon boat. On Christmas Eve the workship and sleigh are destroyed in the Worldwide Permanent Hurricane, and Santa, the elves, and the reindeer are all killed.
Al Gore comes on at the end and urges the children of the world not to let this happen, and to denounce their parents for failing to recycle. Scheduled for broadcast in December 2009.
A Musical Chthulhu Christmas includes production numbers like “Rudolph the Headless Reindeer” and “O Hapless Town of Arkham, Mass.” Broadcast was cancelled when the executive who greenlit it was devoured by toads.
Christmas of the Dead: Russians drilling for oil in the Arctic Ocean trigger the Zombocalypse. Zombie Santa, flying a sleigh pulled by undead reindeer, delivers the Ancient Zombie Curse to all the world’s children in a single night.
Best moment: Hordes of zombie children besieging toystores, moaning “Braaaaaaatz!” When the stores open, they trample the hapless employees to death. Cancelled when WalMart withdrew sponsorship.
Does it make me a bad person that I hope this inspires more Randoids to try to rant about you, so I can savor the rants and your response? They’re almost as fun as the childfree folks.
Not only hilarious, but totally had me going most of the way through the Algonquin Round Table Christmas!
Also, I’d totally watch all those. Well, probably not the Rand and Chomsky, but the rest for sure.
I’m guessing that Gov. Blagojevich watched Ayn Rand’s A Selfish Christmas at least once.
Some things really need to be available in a box set.
Xopher@9–that Cthulhu one, uh, that kinda already exists.
“Away in a Madhouse”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnG8nOK7nqM&feature=related
Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbzuzSbCyfQ&feature=related
Carol of the Old Ones:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7cHskDDzrk&feature=related
(“scary scary scary sca-ry sol-stice…”
It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fishmen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFo4jbqe_2Y
There are more. And then there’s the full-length Cthulhu-ized version of “Fiddler on the Roof…”
Still funny, thanks for reminding me.
Okay, now there’s eggnog on my keyboard from laughing.
You made those up!
Greg 14: that Cthulhu one, uh, that kinda already exists.
Yeah, I found that out when I posted this elsewhere. I like my Christmas of the Dead better anyway.
Complaint about your Ayn Rand gag by humourless Objectivists in 3… 2… 1…
You know, I didn’t realise this was a joke until I got most of the way through the Ayn Rand one.
Would love to hear more about Jon Lovitz.