A Holiday Tradition Here at Whatever

Because it’s that time of year again, let’s link back to my 2002 seasonal humor piece, “The 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time.”

Those of you who have read it before will enjoy it just like you do all those Christmas specials you’ve seen dozens of times; those of you who have not read it before, well. You’re in for it now. Enjoy.

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

21 replies on “A Holiday Tradition Here at Whatever”

– A Very GNR Christmas – Work started on this special in 1993, and front man/sole remaining member Axl Rose promises that the show, now fifteen years in the making at a cost of $250 million (and still counting) will air “soon.”

– An Andy Dick Christmas. The alleged comic manages to get guest Tawney Kitaen back on painkillers, has his ass kicked by Jon Lovitz, and manages to offend cohost Michael Richards.

Funny parodies, John.

I read through many of the comments made back then. I’m struck by how many of them were linked to you from somewhere else and simply included a regurgitated list of the specials.

It made for a less enjoyable reading experience than the current Whatever. I’m glad you’re able to screen those out now.

As a Canadian, I find your version of Cronenberg’s Christmas special to be…

…A consummation devoutly to be wished. Although I have nothing against Mr. Howe, I believe watching Mr. Adams and Mr. Ackroyd being devoured would be wonderfully cathartic. Throw in the symbolic disembowelling of Ann Murray by a possessed William Shatner (is there any other kind?) and I’ll loop the playback while smashing beer bottles with a block of frozen back bacon.

Ah, I love the holidays.

An Inconvenient Christmas: Santa’s North Pole workshop becomes a floating factory, he has to shave his reindeer, and the sleigh becomes a pontoon boat. On Christmas Eve the workship and sleigh are destroyed in the Worldwide Permanent Hurricane, and Santa, the elves, and the reindeer are all killed.

Al Gore comes on at the end and urges the children of the world not to let this happen, and to denounce their parents for failing to recycle. Scheduled for broadcast in December 2009.

A Musical Chthulhu Christmas includes production numbers like “Rudolph the Headless Reindeer” and “O Hapless Town of Arkham, Mass.” Broadcast was cancelled when the executive who greenlit it was devoured by toads.

Christmas of the Dead: Russians drilling for oil in the Arctic Ocean trigger the Zombocalypse. Zombie Santa, flying a sleigh pulled by undead reindeer, delivers the Ancient Zombie Curse to all the world’s children in a single night.

Best moment: Hordes of zombie children besieging toystores, moaning “Braaaaaaatz!” When the stores open, they trample the hapless employees to death. Cancelled when WalMart withdrew sponsorship.

Xopher@9–that Cthulhu one, uh, that kinda already exists.

“Away in a Madhouse”:

Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones:

Carol of the Old Ones:

(“scary scary scary sca-ry sol-stice…”

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fishmen:

There are more. And then there’s the full-length Cthulhu-ized version of “Fiddler on the Roof…”

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