How You Know It’s Not Santa

Hey, kids! This time of year you see lots of portly men with beards and red suits claiming to be the one and only Santa Claus. But as we all know, only one of them can possibly be telling the truth. How can you tell the real one from all the fakes? The following list should help you spot the impostors. Print it out and keep it with you at all times!

You know he’s not Santa if:

• Instead of a booming “Ho Ho Ho,” his laugh is a high-pitched, asthmatic wheeze.

• When you ask him if he’s really Santa, he says “the script tells me to say ‘yes.'”

• His beard smells like your Uncle Dave’s glaucoma medicine.

• He says that the names of his reindeer are Randolph, Datsun, Ketchup, Grumpy, Sneezy and Johnnie Walker Red.

• He’s unamused when you note that usually, when an older gentleman starts putting random children on his lap, the police make him wear a tracking device.

• He explains he’s not really fat, he just has cirrhosis.

• He says that he doesn’t live at the North Pole anymore because that bitch Mrs. Claus got the house in the divorce settlement.

• He keeps tipping his cigarette ashes into the Salvation Army pot.

• His elves have prison tattoos.

• He asks if you’d like to try some of his Prancer jerky.

• His jingly red cap falls off, revealing a yarmulke.

• He asks for your address, the location of your tree, whether your dad has a gun, and then reminds you to leave a door unlocked on Christmas Eve, because he’s gotten too big to slide down chimneys.

• He tells your mom that if she comes back around after the mall closes, he’ll be happy to stuff her stocking.

• Santa’s suit is made of scarlet leather, it’s missing its butt, and he’s being led around on a leash by a shirtless elf.

• He describes the Baby Jesus as “the competition.”

• He says that the reason he can visit the homes of all the good kids in the world in one night is that most kids are in fact little goddamn brats.

• Santa’s beard is fake, and so is his leg.

• You see him in the parking lot and discover his “sleigh” is really a ’93 Toyota Corolla.

• He burps in your face and calls it a “jingle belch.”

• Instead of saying “Merry Christmas” he shouts “Happy Life Day” and then screams like a Wookiee.

39 Comments on “How You Know It’s Not Santa”

  1. Of course, the corollary is that you can tell someone is not Jewish when their yarmulke falls off and reveals a jingly red cap.

    Mmm, latkes fried in bacon fat.

  2. Fair enough on most of these but I must comment:

    1. I bought a kippah and wore it at work for a couple days. It’s a hat you are generally allowed to wear indoors. Actually, I think what I had would be called a kippot since it was leather and needed clips to keep it on securely. I’ve got a crocheted kippah coming from Israel this week though.

    2. Wearing one under another hat is a Kabbalah thing

    3. Is Santa not allowed to have an artificial leg?

  3. paranoyd – I am a father, an aspiring writer, and avid gamer. I am also into horror and scifi. I'm currently the Adventure league Local Coordinator for my area, and I'm really into the new FFG Star Wars RPG system. And I love a good curry.
    Corby Kennard

    Best. List. Ever.

    I will be linking to this on my LJ. Prepare for absolutely no jump in traffic.

  4. “But as we all know, only one of them can possibly be telling the truth”

    Well I see a fallacy in logic, why can’t they all be telling the truth?

    “He tells your mom that if she comes back around after the mall closes, he’ll be happy to stuff her stocking.”

    Everyman has his need’s, and Mrs. Claus may not be fulfilling his. It isn’t an excuse, but Santa is a human right?

    “He says that he doesn’t live at the North Pole anymore because that bitch Mrs. Claus got the house in the divorce settlement.”

    Divorces leave a bad taste in ones mouth, who’s to say Mrs. Claus didn’t catch on to his being over at every other woman’s house on Earth.

    “He describes the Baby Jesus as “the competition.””

    Well isn’t the little bastard Santa’s competition?

  5. tudza:

    “Actually, I think what I had would be called a kippot since it was leather and needed clips to keep it on securely.”

    no, “kippah” is singular, “kippot” is plural.

    “Wearing one under another hat is a Kabbalah thing”

    no, i’m pretty sure it’s a belt-&-suspenders thing, although i wouldn’t be surprised if someone had invented a kabbalah just-so story for it.

  6. Ah yes, it does seem that kippot is the plural of kippah.

    This is not where I originally ran across the kabbalah thing, but this part of the wikipedia entry seems to re-enforce my memory of what I read elsewhere ( that is, I am not claiming wikipedia as my only source, but I’m too lazy to search for two others ):

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kippah

    “Some Jews wear two head coverings, typically a kippah covered by a hat, for Kabbalistic reasons: the two coverings correspond to two levels of intellect, or two levels in the fear of God. The Kohen Gadol (High Priest) of the Temple in Jerusalem also used to wear a woolen kippah under his priestly headdress (Chulin 138a)[1].”

  7. How to know whether a Santa is real?

    Easy: lock him in a closet somewhere. A real Santa will get out before Boxing Day (26 Dec).

    If it’s not the real Santa, please remember to apologize when releasing him; bring some milk and cookies or something, esp. if this testing was initiated early in the month.

  8. “• Santa’s suit is made of scarlet leather, it’s missing its butt, and he’s being led around on a leash by a shirtless elf.”

    Which may explain why Mrs. Claus divorced him.

  9. masksoferis @# 10: But you have to open the closet to determine if he’s still in there or not. Hey, it’s Schroedinger’s Santa!

  10. ytimynona – FLORIDA – I'm a big wannabe. Wannabe a truck driver, PotUS, scientist, writer, and teacher. Well, I already am a teacher. :-)
    ytimynona

    Hehehe so many Santas, so hard to tell which ones are genuine!

    I remember my little sister asking me how there could be so many Santas and I gave her the Home Alone spiel (there’s only one Santa, but the rest of them all work for him).

  11. I remember crying once when I was about 6 because we saw Santa at two malls on the same day and I was so confused, I cried. I remember my mom being very sweet but I think now she was probably trying very hard not to laugh…….. haha. I think that was the year I learned about all of “Santa’s helpers” in the world.

    Great list!!

  12. Being Santa-like, I tend to avoid wearing red this time of year. If pushed too far, I’ve practiced the following:

    “[deep voice] Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas [shifting pitch higher, and rasping] Hellooo, little [boy|girl], [shifting pitch very low, loud and clear] Bwhahaha Ha hahaaa Wuhuhuh!” The final part is done with the tongue out, curling the tip.

    Self defense is everyone’s responsibility. Actually, with men or twentysomething women, it usually gets a laugh.

    Regards,
    Jack Tingle

  13. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me
    Chang

    You know he’s not the real Santa when he’s red and white on the inside.

  14. And as we all know, Santa no longer uses elves. He’s outsourced the toymaking to Vietnam where labor costs are a dollar a day.

    He blames Cathy Lee Gifford if anyone asks.

  15. I was in a restaurant on election night and when Obama won, the people there went crazy, up hugging each other, laughing, crying etc. It was a good place to be.

    As I was leaving, there was a white haired, whitebearded guy paying his bill;

    I slipped up to him and whispered “Thanks Santa”

    I am pretty sure he was the real one.

  16. He tells your mom that if she comes back around after the mall closes, he’ll be happy to stuff her stocking.

    I always get a laugh when I say that there’s nothing Santa can put in a woman’s stockings that is more interesting than what she has in them already.

  17. shineanthology – Jetse de Vries is a technical specialist for a propulsion company, and used to travel the world for this. Of late, due to the increased time both his story writing and several future editing projects are taking up, he's trying to settle into a desk job by giving both the company’s own specialists and customers training courses. He was part of the Interzone editorial team from March 2004 until September 2008. His non-fiction articles, reviews, essays and interviews have appeared in Interzone, The Fix, New York Review of Science Fiction, Focus, and others. He writes SF since 1999, and had his first story published in November 2003. His stories have appeared in about two dozen publications on both sides of the Atlantic, and include Amityville House of Pancakes, vol. 1, JPPN 2, Nemonymous 4, Northwest Passages: A Cascadian Anthology, DeathGrip: Exit Laughing, HUB Magazine #2, Clarkesworld Magazine, SF Waxes Philosophical, Postscripts 14 and Flurb, amongst others. They're upcoming in the A Mosque Among the Stars anthology (slated for September 2008) and another, yet-to-be-named anthology in 2009. Jetse has a blog at: http://eclipticplane.blogspot.com/
    Jetse

    Santa Schmanta.

    There is only one Sinterklaas!

  18. You know he’s not the Real Santa if:

    He’s riding down the street on a funky banana bike with really tall handlebars wearing nothing a beard and a Speedo two sizes too small.

    I have to stab my eyes out now. And dude, if you’re a Whatever reader and this sounds like you – PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy … put on some pants.

  19. He’s not Santa (Hogfather) if he’s a skeleton, has an elf named Albert who rolls his own, and makes his granddaughter Susan deal with the dirty work.

    Lord, I want Alzheimers medicine that works for Christmas. I’m going to miss Terry Pratchett.

  20. He’s obviously not the real Santa when he rides a tank to the mall, decorated with cardboard cutout reindeers, and then doesn’t understand a word you say when you address him in a language other than English.

    True story, happened to me when I was five. The language thing was a test, because I found a tank-driving Santa highly suspicious.

  21. jetsgrl105 – I love football,dance,bowling and reading. My fave dancing is ballet and i luv Twilight. My fave team is the jets and im on a bowling league.
    jetsgrl105

    That is so coooooool!!!!
    I love that!
    :)

  22. Who said it was supposed to be funny? Dude, it speaks to the inner pathos of man’s condition. And that’s some serious shit, yo.

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