Why Living in the Sticks Occasionally Sucks

Distance in miles to closest movie theater showing Coraline: 40.

Distance in miles to closest movie theater showing Hotel for Dogs: 10.

Seriously, now: WTF.

78 Comments on “Why Living in the Sticks Occasionally Sucks”

  1. Hotel for Dogs? Is that based on a children’s novel by Grant Morrison?

    ::checks interwebz::

    Nope; my bad!

  2. Yea, I had to drive down to Royal Oak from Mt. Pleasant to see In Bruges last year. Apparently it only played in one freakin’ city in Michigan.

  3. And how likely is the 40 mile distant theatre showing Coraline in 3D?

    Regardless of how far you have to go to see it, definitely do. And catch it in 3-D if at all possible.

  4. Number of miles to a theater showing Coraline: 3. Walking/running distance. Or I can take a bus.
    In spite of the noise, noxious gasses, and crime, living in the city does have its perks =)

  5. One of my sweeties specifically requested Coraline as our Valentine’s weekend date. We won’t have to go 40 miles, but I think we are driving more than 10 since we can’t bring ourselves to give money to the closest theater. (The chain donated quite a bit of money to support Prop 8.)

  6. Sadder still, guess which one of those my daughter wants to see? (To be fair to her, Coraline, even as a book, is scarier than she’s ready to handle.)

  7. Living in Italy: months ’til Coraline gets out in theatres – unspecified
    Just be optimistic about it

  8. Wow. Consecutive posts about Siouxsie, Danny Elfman and Coraline, including complaining about life’s unfairness. Methinks this whole thing is veering dangerously towards goth territory! Are the not-cherries due to be replaced by gothic cathedrals and/or Peter Murphy?

    Oh, wait; the post before those two was about eating. Never mind….:)

  9. I want to see both Coraline and Hotel for Dogs. I know that the latter is going to completely suck, but I loved the book when I was a kid (for very sentimental reasons), so I want to see how they ruin it.

    Coraline in 3D looks awesome though. And far superior to My Bloody Valentine in 3D.

  10. Distance to your living room: 0 miles.

    Seriously, movie theaters? Next thing we know you’ll say you still read print newspapers, or that you still use a VCR or abacus or something.

  11. Yay Coraline! I have tix for a 7:15 showing, considerably closer than 40 miles. I’d have to travel 40 miles for 3D, which may happen but not tonight.

    I have it on good authority that the #D is excellent. The stop-motion puppetry was filmed in 3D, and apparently it works very, very well.

  12. I dunno why, but everytime I read this post, it makes me laugh. Life is absurd.

    Every theater should be showing Coraline as far as I’m concerned.


    And yes, what did you have for lunch>

  13. You mean, you’re not gonna follow your “$100 a month” method and rent it on BluRay from NetFlix when it comes out??

    I jest. :D

    But then, I didn’t make it to Wall-E in the theaters, so I’m gonna watch it on cable on-demand in HD on the big TV.

    Which means I can drink beers!

    I will probably go see Coraline in a theater tho. People I know worked on it, gotta support.

  14. HA HA!

    So what is Athena wanting to see? Hotel for Dogs?!

    I shouldn’t laugh because I know I will only get to see Coraline after I have chewed my own arm off running from seeing Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Space Buddies (or whatever the frig they call that golden retriever movie) back to back.

  15. Wait, are you considering Wayne Cinemas in Greenville as a movie theater????

    My 37″ TV is bigger and has better sound, and there are less rats in my living room.

  16. Yikes.

    Just, Yikes.

    I remember when I spent a summer in Camden, Arkansas. Similar situation: closest movie theater was 45 minutes away in another town.

    I watched a lot of Cheers reruns.

  17. You MUST see Coraline in 3D, & you must go real soon. Coraline loses 3D theaters to the Jonas Brothers in 3 weeks.
    (also, Laika studios is deciding whether or not to do more 3D animations on how well Coraline does. like everything else in this economy, jobs are on the line)

    I bought my ticket for Coraline last night and will see the movie today at 4:44 pm – the last ‘bargain’ matinee. I have my Real-D glass in my purse & my ticket in my wallet. I am pumped. (!)

    I went to Hardees and got their Coraline toys. There’s 4 – a jigsaw puzzle inside mirror, Tic-Tac-Toe, a Coraline Key fob & a card game called War of the Worlds. Compared to collecting McD’s toys, they’re kinda lame. However, if I were a kid, I’d love them. A puzzle, my very own card game, TTT & a special key fob.

    11. # Chryss – Seriously? You think The Little Art has the cash to put in 3D for one movie? Are you kidding? The Little Art was a little theater even before it was twinned.

  18. Chryss @ 11: Yellow Springs is more like 50+ miles from John’s general area. I suspect the closest showing is in Huber Heights.

  19. BeVibe, #28: Sorry I didn’t know we were only talking about the 3D version! Granted, 3D would be awesome, but seeing Coraline in 2D plus those blondies they used to sell…well, there ya go.

  20. WTF? Easy: Sturgeon’s Law: 90% of everything is crap.

    Corollary: You are therefore statistically much more likely to be closer to crap at any given point or time than near the 10% you want to be near . . .

  21. a few years ago i drove over 75 miles to find a theater that was playing MirrorMask. and it was Totally Worth it.

  22. 260 miles, and not until next weekend (Dublin Film Fest.) And then we have to wait until May until it comes out here in England.

  23. It’s definitely my pick for tonight. The Nightmare Before Christmas is fabulous, and judging by the trailer Coraline looks equally impressive. I’m eager to see if it’s as good as the book…

  24. Another reason to dig being in Kent. Nearest Coraline is playing .5 miles from my house. Or, right across the road from my train stop. No pecan pie at the moment, but I have some rhubarb in the fridge.

  25. (sad, mopey face) It doesn’t come out until April here … I am full of gloom and wrath. Just like high school all over again.

    Actually, having lived in the sticks all through my high school years, I can empathise with you. In Fletcher’s Perfect World, all farms and rural areas will be run by giant, inhuman factory machines. All the hicks will be turned into grease for the ever-turning wheels. The night life, and the intellectual quality of the neighbours, will be substantially improved.

  26. Closest theater showing either, three miles.

    Unfortunately, it’s a nasty theater.

    Favorite theaters to go to: Springdale (10 miles), Newport in Kentucky (12 miles), or Milford (15 miles.)

    Sometimes, living in the city sucks, too.

  27. I’m curious what you think of this quote from the slate review of Coraline:

    “Coraline’s PG rating should have come with an asterisk, specifying that it’s up to each individual parent (or her psychoanalyst) to gauge whether her child is old enough to deal with the appallingly scary premise of a mother replaced by a fiendish, insatiable double bent on stealing her child’s eyes.”


    I guess you haven’t seen it yet but that does seem pretty terrifying for a kids movie. I read the book (or part of it– I don’t remember all the details, so I’m not sure) and I remember thinking it wasn’t really for kids.

  28. I have tickets in hand for the whole family to see it in 3D at 6:55 tonight. Haven’t even told the kids yet.

    My daughter already saw Hotel for Dogs. Thankfully without me.

  29. Jessica@47,

    Erm, that’s what PG means. Parental Guidance suggested. So no asterisk needed at all, just take the rating at its actual meaning.

    I plan on seeing Coraline at some point, but I really do wish that there was a local theatre that would have at least one kid-free showing of movies like this, because I expect that it would be downright painful to see it tonight.

  30. Kid-free showings? Tell me, do the unicorns speak, where you live? I was stuck next to a five-year-old who provided running commentary all through X-Men 3. And /the same damn five-year-old/ all through Transformers. I wish people would actually /obey/ the age ratings. >.<

  31. I never before considered myself living in the sticks. But my small town has only one drive-in that’s closed during the winter and is only open weekends the rest of the time. The theater complex we had closed six months ago. It’s forty miles to the nearest screen most any time here.
    Hell, we don’t have a bowling alley either. Damn, I do live in the sticks.

  32. Distance to nearest actual movie theater = 50 miles.

    Distance to nearest “Palin 2012” sign = about 500 yards.


    Sometimes living in the sticks of Alaska isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

    On the other hand, distance to jumbotron plasma TV = 30 feet at the moment. I can wait for the Coraline DVD.

  33. Skip@50

    Well, I didn’t write that quote, but my point was that the reviewer from Slate thought the movie was scarier or more disturbing than they would normally expect from a PG movie, and I’m curious if other people who saw it agree.

  34. Red grapes. Some green filtration, macro lens.

    Sigh… 3-D of any kind makes me throw up. This really sucks. I shall have to wait for Coraline to be showing at the crap houses before I can see it, since all the good theaters in Seattle are woefully hip and technologically fab. poop.

  35. I just found out that a movie I have been looking forward to (Fanboys) has not been picked up for distribution here in Canada. I’d appreciate some advice on how to cost-justify a two-hour drive to Buffalo.

  36. Johan @ 56
    Are you sure about that? I was in a downtown Toronto theater on Wednesday and they had a poster up for Fanboys with Coming Soon on it. (Scotiabank theater if you’re from here.)

  37. I so completely feel your pain. Milk isn’t playing in my town at all. In order to see it, I must drive into the big city and find parking!!! It makes me crazy. What? there are no GAY people in Brampton???

    But we do have Coraline. Sorry.

  38. Just got back from seeing it. It was wonderful– even better than I expected. We had to go to the next town over to catch it in 2D (3D annoys both me and my wife). I ended up getting on the wrong highway coming back and we probably drove about 40 miles in a big circle to get home. Totally worth it.

  39. This may be a first, me getting to new media before the great Scalzi.
    We just got back from Coraline in 3D.
    Good movie, not too many kids, extra legroom (handicapped seating) for tall folks. To be honest though, the 3D wasn’t necessary to the movie, it seemed like an add-on even thought I know it was purposefully filmed in 3D.
    Viewing in 3D required the sunglasses style (rather than the red/blue style), and added to regular glasses it wasn’t the greatest, so maybe my impression of the 3D is mine alone, your experience may vary.

    Was anyone else amused that not only was dowsing completely non-useful, but also carried a penalty?

  40. Just got back from seeing Coraline in 3D at The Greene here in Dayton. Nice Stadium seats, a nice collection of kids, who really enjoyed the movie. I’m willing to bet I gasped and laughed more than the kids did.

    I asked a group of 8-12 year old girls if they liked it, and they responded with an enthusiastic YES!, & that it was scary, too!

    I walked out behind a lady saying she was going to call a friend and tell her not to see Coraline, as her friend is afraid of buttons. I swear I thought Neil was making that fear up.

    See it in 3D if at all possible. The 3D glasses fit over my own glasses comfortably. The 3D experience really added a lot to the film. I will definately see it again with a group of friends before 3D goes away in 3 weeks.

    On a scale of 1-5, I’d give it 5 Shiny Black Buttons (they are traditional, donchano)

  41. Yeah, the 3D is a great bonus. In the trailers before there was a 3D ad for Monsters v Aliens, which looked fun and clever, but the 3D was almost of the everything-but-the-kitchen-sink variety, whereas Selick was very subtle here (aside from a needle at the beginning, the tunnel, and a couple of other things). That subtlety made it feel more natural, I think.

    My wife wears glasses and hates the old-style 3D, and this worked for her completely. Brennan, the not-quite-10yo, absolutely has hated 3D in the past (he had to take off the glasses several times during U23D), but this worked for him. There’s only one screen in town here that plays 3D right now, unfortunately, so Coraline plays late afternoon and again at 7pm, then My Bloody Valentine replaces it for the late showing.

    As for the movie being scary, Neil was on CBC radio the other day, and to paraphrase him, it’s the parents who are freaking out over how scary they think the book/movie is for their children. Kids love the delicious thrill, and will know when they need to hide their eyes. I can report no problems with the horde of kids tonight.


  42. >>appallingly scary premise of a mother replaced by a fiendish, insatiable double bent on stealing her child’s eyes.<<

    I know, right? Kids are more likely to expect surrogate parents, babysitters and complete strangers to steal their noses.

    (I’ve never really understood the whole “got your nose” thing.)

  43. Grr… Here in France (and in Belgium too), our idiotic theaters will be waiting until october to show Coraline! It’s going to be really difficult to refrain from downloading…

    @ John H #45:
    Or lingonberries (aka mountain cranberries)? Even better than cranberries, for my money.

  44. You want a WTF? You want a @.@?

    The AMC theater at Lennox Shopping Center in Columbus — admittedly not the only theater in town showing Coraline in 3D, but the one closest to me and for which I already have a gift card — is not showing Coraline today until dinnertime. No, throughout the mid-afternoon they are instead using the Real3D auditorium to screen My Bloody Valentine.

  45. Hmmmm – distance to the nearest theatre showing *anything* – 200km. Yep, this is the sticks OK.

  46. See it in 3D. I admit, I was pretty skeptical going in of the 3D and there were a few gimmicky 3D shots. But most of of the 3D was pretty subtle, giving more depth to the background and really filling out the world.

  47. Even at 40 miles it’s worth the drive. Melissa and I caught it last night and we loved it! During the previews I saw a trailer for something called 9 which looks very interesting.

  48. 10 miles to a movie theater? Even if it’s showing Earnest movies, you’re still not in the sticks. It’s 45 minutes to the nearest movie theater (north, east, west, and south).

  49. @51 — I actually saw it last night at 9:50PM — there was only ONE verifiable kid in the audience (too young for it, I thought, but very quiet), and the most obnoxious presence was a grown man who kept screaming “YOU STUPID BITCH” at the screen every time Coraline made a mistake.

    I ask you.

    (I liked it a great deal. I’ve pretty much got Neil’s audiobook version memorized, and I still felt the suspense and flinched at the appropriate places. Although I don’t remember the book family being quite so… ahhh… irritated.)

  50. I saw it, in non-3D, in Connecticut, and… I wasn’t that crazy about it.

    Some of the visuals were extravagant, but I didn’t especially *care*, so those bits were a little boring. They might have looked more impressive in 3D, but I probably wouldn’t *care* about what was going on.

    It was a bit like the response I have to recent Bugs Bunny-type cartoons, where they lard up the situation with 150% of the RDA of ‘zany’, but the whole just doesn’t hang together as well as, say, a PowerPuff Girls episode.

  51. It’s really sad, but Neil Gaiman is a Scientologist.

    [A bunch of unsupported stuff on the subject found on the Internet deleted — JS]

  52. “It’s really sad, but Neil Gaiman is a Scientologist.”

    What’s sad is that you’ve attempted to inject utterly irrelevant religious bigotry into a thread that has nothing to do with religion (much less specifically Scientology), and is about Neil Gaiman in only the most glancing sense. In the future, try to actually pay attention to what’s being talked about before you bleat out such nonsense into a comment thread. It would be appreciated.

    For everyone else, don’t follow up on the above bit of troll bait, please.

  53. [Deleted because the commenter was unamusingly rude to the host, and also tried to follow up on something I said not to follow up on. Christy, please fuck right off and don’t come back. You’re in the moderation queue in any event — JS]

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