Come On, People

Must I personally acknowledge on the Whatever every single bacon-related thing that occurs on the Internet before people stop sending me e-mail about it? One reason I put up the Canonical Bacon Page is so Whatever would not go All Bacon, All the Time, and that you wouldn’t have to e-mail me about every-bacon related thing. I do read the Canonical Bacon Page, you know, so the more than a dozen of you who have sent me e-mail about the bacon blowtorch after someone posted about it at the CBP are telling me things I already know. About bacon. Which is a thing I am strangely well aware of to begin with.

While it is indeed strange and surreal and, yes, amusing to have a large percentage of one’s personal e-mail be concerned about breakfast meat, after a while it can get monotonous. So please, and again: Before sending me e-mail about something new regarding bacon, check the Canonical Bacon Page to see if it’s been noted there — and if it hasn’t, why not leave a post there? Then it gets shared with lots of people (The CBP is perhaps not surprisingly well trafficked) and everybody’s happy, especially me. Thanks.

65 Comments on “Come On, People”

  1. I bet you wish it was winning lottery numbers you taped to me.

    In the feline world, we call situations like this, “Vengeance”.

    Mwa. Ha. Ha.

  2. I recently (okay, about a week ago) received a forward about a bacon-related item. Went to the Canonical Bacon Page, read the entries, didn’t find my thing, and KABLAM! I have an entry on the Canonical Bacon Page!

    My life is now complete!

    The Canonical Bacon Page makes for fun reading during lunch. Really!

  3. I think we should start a counter-movement to deluge your inbox with stuff about pancakes.

    I don’t imagine it would last very long, though–there really isn’t a whole lot out there about pancakes. Is there?

  4. Probably?

    It’s gotten to the point where, if I see the word “bacon” in a web headline, I reflexively think, “Poor Scalzi.”

  5. Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy some bacon is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

  6. I live on the Canadian/US border, so perhaps that’s why your acronym for the Canonical Bacon Page cracks me up: CBP is short for Customs and Border Protection, too. And meat crossing the border is an issue.

    Perhaps I’m just easily amused, but seeing the CBP officers at the border stations as Canonical Bacon Police is funny.

  7. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to start emailing John about CAT-related things instead. ALL cat-related things.

    No, I’m not. I’m joking. Really. DON’T DO IT!

  8. I saw an AK-47 made of bacon that I neglected to alert you about the other day, figuring that either you’d already had a thousand pieces of email about it, or (perhaps even AND) you really wouldn’t care, since you already know that bacon is meat candy and can do anything.

  9. @writtenwyrdd #9

    I’ve heard of people smuggling sausage before, but never literally! I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, as Canada is a land of wonderful breakfast meats. I know it’s called ham in Canada, but they’ve made so many great contributions to the world of bacon that the entire country has a place in my heart. Actually, it’s probably somewhere closer to my aorta.

  10. If I weren’t a vegetarian, I’d make bacon-flavored ganache chocolates and give them to John at Worldcon. But I won’t make food I can’t taste, not because I’m selfish (well, not only</em), but because I have standards of quality to maintain.

  11. My God, it’s no wonder that you seem to have an email crash every week to 10 days or so. It’s probably what took GMail down yesterday.

    I won’t apologize, as I don’t think I’ve ever sent you a bacon related email, but I do feel for you.

  12. I read the bacon torch thing the other day and the first thing I thought of was the deluge of email about it you were going to receive. Seriously, people, if you read about something on Slashdot or Reddit or whatnot, so did another million people.

  13. My husband told me about the bacon blow torch and then said, “I wonder how many people have e-mailed it to John Scalzi, already.” I remarked that’s why you put up the CBP. I don’t know if he checked the CBP but I’m sure neither of us e-mailed it to you. I wonder if that’s why G-mail went down yesterday?

  14. You unleashed this monster. You cannot stop it. You cannot even contain it. Your only hope is to run for your life screaming. But the bacon cannot hear your screams. It has no ears.

  15. Scalzi, you are the Maud’Dib of Bacon. You have unleashed the Hajj and soon the smoky cured pork flavor of Jihad shall flow over the universe, crushing the other Great House breakfast meats before it. No one, not even you, can stem the artery clogging tide.

    I hope you’re proud of yourself.

    Just so you know, it doesn’t end well. You might want to buy a cane and some dark glasses and stay the hell away from open windows. Oh, and keep and eye on your sister. Just sayin’

  16. I’m regularly amused that there IS a Canonical Bacon Page. A universe in which such a thing must exist can’t be all bad.

  17. I would unpublish–and then change–my email address if I were you. Or at least unpublish it. Otherwise you bring the bacon on yourself. To blame the people sending you the emails is to deny their basic human nature. As is attempting to send them to page where it is impossible for them to directly communicate that close, personal bacon-y bond that they share with you.

    The other option is to learn to love the bacon (emails). At least it tastes better than the spam.

  18. Come on people now, smile on your brother. Everybody get together try to love one another right now.

    Well, that was my first thought.

  19. I’ve heard that the lead singer for Flock Of Seagulls absolutely hates performing the song “I ran so far away”.

  20. Must I personally acknowledge on the Whatever every single bacon-related thing that occurs on the Internet before people stop sending me e-mail about it?

    Yes. Next question?

    you are the Maud’Dib of Bacon

    The savior, as played by Bea Arthur.

    (/spelling nitpick)

  21. Jamie #12: I posted the bacon AK-47 to the CBP as soon as I saw it, after first checking to make sure it wasn’t already there.

    I did not email Scalzi about it. I figured he knows how to find his own CPB, and already gets enough baconmail. I also resisted the urge to call him about it… ;-)

  22. StumbleUpon sent me a bacon link (after I hadn’t used SU for 3 years)…So I sent it to Scalzi – it was more about the 3 years than about the bacon.

  23. David @ 32 (/spelling nitpick)

    Hey, you have to talk to Frank Herbert or maybe the Fremen about that.

    And I counted at least two other spelling errors in my previous comment (I’m pretty sure Scalzi adds those after I post). I blame it on the bacon bender I’m currently enjoying – you really shouldn’t operate internet equipment under the influence, the grease makes your fingers slide right off the keys.

  24. Hey, you have to talk to Frank Herbert or maybe the Fremen about that.

    They spelled it “Maud’Dib”?

  25. Oh, there are lots of pages about pancakes. Some of them are even useful.

    Sorry this happens to you, Scalzi. Can’t you get your spam filter to treat “bacon” as “viagra”?

  26. Xohpher


    Well, the whole thing was pretty funny inside my head, spelling errors and all. Which should give you a good idea of why such things should remain in my head and not be immortalized on teh bacony-flavored Internets.

    I’ll make sure my spell checker is properly updated ;)

  27. Jim, @ any number,

    I was wondering about the ‘port-flavored products’ myself. Hopefully, it’s not that weird spreadable cheese, but something a little more vintage.

  28. Redundancy is needed Scalzi!

    Bacon needs to be publicized alot more!

    Plus I think it’s Karma being a bitch again…

  29. Well, see, I’m suddenly not allowed to have caffeine any more.

    There are certain side effects, which seem to be specifically impacting my writing – probably because I type very fast and I’m having trouble concentrating.

    A number of people have noticed. This does not thrill me. Hopefully it will go away – in the meantime feel free to point and laugh.

  30. It’s not exclusive to you.

    The bacon thing is an online phenomena that cannot be quashed.

    I think it’s actually more popularly promoted on the more righty sites than here, but you do get special attention cuz of the cat thing.

  31. John,
    May I offer a layout suggestion? Perhaps the link to the Canonical Bacon Page should have a more prominent location on the Whatever. Mind you, I’m not saying you should post a giant picture of bacon-cat at the top of the page (…hmmmm…), but I *am* questioning the value of the calendar at the top of the page. That’s prime real-estate. Perhaps there’s a little room up there for bacon?

    Of course, the whole purpose of having the CBP is that you don’t want the Whatever to be All Bacon, All the Time, and giving the CBP link a more prominent location may slightly defeat that goal, but perhaps so does repeatedly posting reminders about the CBP. Adding just a little more bacon to Whatever might just allow you to enjoy your pork products in peace.

  32. ChaCha @49: actually, I think the purpose of the CBP is to prevent Scalzi’s email inbox from being All Bacon, All the Time, so I think your suggestion does not defeat the purpose.

  33. I was also going to say that as soon as I saw the bacon-blowtorch I thought of poor John and his inbox, but now I will “me too” ChaCha’s suggestion of swapping the calendar for the CBP link, with a picture of hot, luscious bacon in close proximity, so that everyone else with a kneejerk reaction of Scalzi=Bacon will automatically click on it.

  34. Have you considered taping something else to the cat in order to distract us from bacon?

  35. treat “bacon” as “viagra”
    My love live will NEVER be the same, and my wife will hunt you down.

    Xopher, have you not heard of Bacon Salt? It is fat free, zero, calorie, Kosher and Vegetarian.
    Nothing is better than a bowl of Bacon Popcorn!!

  36. BJS @54 Funny, my daughter and I had popcorn last night and we both discussed, briefly, that neither of us had been tempted to add the bacon salt (which my husband bought) to it at as a flavor. However, I will put garlic salt on my popcorn. Of course, she eats turkey bacon (she doesn’t like pork) and I’ll eat bacon so we’re never bacon flavor deprived.

  37. But… every time I eat bacon, I can’t help but think of Ghlaghghee!!! It’s like a reflex now!

    And to those suggesting bacon will lose popularity: NOT. It’s so salty and greasy and totally delicious!!!

  38. Here is a funny thing. Another science fiction author’s web site recently had the You Tube video link about the torch thing and I hit him about your cat and associated bacon weirdness on Whatever, and he replied “WTF?” The Scalzi bizarreness has struck another corner of the globe.


  39. John,

    When you taped bacon to a cat it was a sign. The Sign. And We Who Worship Nitrate Rich Meats knew that the Scourge of Pork had arrived. Therefore we sang Allelujah, and filled your inbox with Glorious Dead Pig Art, as had been prophesied.


  40. Maybe putting the Canonical Bacon Page up in Administeria or a link on the Contact page might remind folks.

    I have refrained from any bacon linkage on the theory that your bacon-bots have everything well in hand.

    Someday I’m going to do a Bacon Reclamation and work to get poor Sir Francis’s rightful place in the Google search restored.

  41. writtenwyrdd @ 9: “the Canonical Bacon Police”, I love it. it will make those miserable suckers much less intimidating next time I visit the US (in May).

  42. I’ve noticed that all the ideas I think are great are either a) sublimely moronic, or b) something eight million people have thought of already and 1) either implemented or 2) rejected as sublimely moronic, but I’ll share this one anyway. It would be great if, in addition to or instead of the ‘latest comment’ sidebar, you set up a ‘Scalzi comment’ sidebar, because your comments are like post extensions and usually I just space-bar through the comment pages looking for your comments.

    Sorry for being off topic, just had to get it off my chest and you weren’t yelling at people for being off-topic here. :)

  43. The Wikipedia article on bacon does not seem to contain any reference to the bacon cat incident or to Scalzi’s canonical bacon page. Some with an account there should probably remedy those oversights.

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