Obama’s First 100 Days: A Complete and Utter Failure

Why? Well, I’ll tell you.

1. I’m continuing to go bald.

2. I haven’t lost any weight since January 20.


4. In March, one of my cats (or more — conspiracy!) peed in the corner of my closet.

5. My hot chocolate this morning was distinctly unsatisfactory.

6. Last week, after four years of service, my beloved Vans sneakers — the ones with bats on them — ripped, making them unusable, and Vans doesn’t make them any more.

7. Rosario Dawson has not phoned my wife to get clearance from her for a sanctioned night of Grainy-Sex-Tape-Posted-to-BitTorrent-Worthy Debauchery™ with me.

8. I was not transformed overnight into a ninja spy with mega awesome secret LASER POWERS.

9. I still have to brush my own teeth; no one else will do it for me.

10. I have not been provided a 2010 Mustang. I mean, really. It’s not like I’d hold out for a GT. The V6 Premium package would be just fine. I’m not greedy.

President Obama has had 100 days to address each of these issues of vast national importance. How many of them has he tackled? Not a one. This is the change we can believe in? I don’t think so. I did not vote for Obama just to have ripped sneakers, unsatisfactory beverages and no spousally-approved hot sex with Rosario Dawson in my bitchin’ new muscle car. There’s a word for the emotion I’m feeling right now, Mr. President. And that word is: Betrayal.

Yes, I understand that President Obama has said that sacrifices need to be made by each of us. Fine. In the spirit of this national sacrifice, I will still brush my own teeth. But Mr. President, you have to meet me half way. Where are my ninja powers? And my Mustang? And why are my telomeres still degrading, meaning that every day I look more and more like Ernest Borgnine? This is not the America I want to live in, Mr. President. You have to do your part, too.

And the fact is, he hasn’t. Not a single one of the items above, which Mr. Obama agreed to solve when he and I met in my mind on that hot sunny day last August when I was trapped in a car with the windows uncracked, has been resolved. You can’t tell me I haven’t been patient. The dude has had 100 days with the entire apparatus of the United States government at his disposal. It’s not like he has other things to do. These things should have been dealt with, quickly, forcefully, fully. But they have not. And now look at me. I’m a middle-aged balding man smelling of cat pee. And it’s all Obama’s fault.

For shame, Mr. President. For shame.

And thus, for your first 100 days, Mr, President, you earn a richly-deserved F. But I still have hope that in the next 100 days, you will stop doing whatever distracting things you are doing and finally focus your attention on the things that really matter; specifically, that thing about Rosario Dawson. America needs that one. Yes it does. Desperately. Oh, and the Mustang, too. Thank you.

133 Comments on “Obama’s First 100 Days: A Complete and Utter Failure”

  1. He hasn’t fixed my leaky shower like he promised either.

    A fine piece of writing. Well done.

  2. To be fair, the feline lobby is a powerful one in the Democratic party, so it’ll probably take a while to get things moving on that one.

  3. Oh CRAP! I’m going bald TOO! My cat wakes me up at all hours of the night for her “wet food” fix! Will the madness never stop? When will the President quit worrying about such minor issues as global terrorism, universal health insurance and a moribund economy to fix MY problems? Sheesh. And to think I voted for the bum.

  4. I have seriously never wanted a Mustang as bad as I want one now.

    Gt with a Track Pack. omg. want level is ridiculously high.

  5. You must at the bottom of the list cause I’ve gotten Rosario Dawson and the Mustang.

    I’m still bald though. So he gets a D from me.

  6. I would hold out much hope on the cat front (Obama’s a dog person) and the Rosario Dawson thing seems kind of unlikely too (Michelle Obama has veto power over that for some reason).

  7. Somehow you failed to mention lowering the retirement age to 45, fully funding 8 weeks of vacation per quarter regardless of employment status and picking up the cost of my kids’ college education.

    Which I totally understand in light of the whole Rosario Dawson thing. Good luck with that, we’re all rooting for you.

  8. John, it’s not just about you. Apparently there’s a fairly long list on that Rosario Dawson thing. But if my wife asks, I’m not on it.

  9. On the other hand, I’ve lost 10 pounds since 1/20/09, am not balding, the hair on my head isn’t grey and my wife is fine with Rosario, provided she does windows and other light housework.

    It’s my wife’s cat that pees in corners, mine just kvetches about the state of the dinner bowl – which is my problem. They aren’t allowed in the bedroom, so mine sits outside the door and rattles it until I fix the dinner problem.

    Why does my spell check know how to spell kvetches?

  10. And my former employer lowered my retirement age by almost 10 years and my state doesn’t give unemployment to people who were unlucky enough to be eligible for a pension. Only state employes and police can double dip here.

  11. I asked President Obama to make you look more like Ernest Borgnine, so at least one of us got what they wanted.

  12. On the same note, I must point out that I have not as of yet received my flying car and solid gold house.

    You know what would be awesome? If Krissy read this post, and (knowing the likelihood of the Rosario Dawson scenario coming to pass) told you to knock yourself out if Rosario offered, no clearance required. It wouldn’t change reality one lick, but it would add +20 to her (undoubtedly already stellar) Cool Spouse rating…and you could strut about with added spring in your step, and tell folks that you have your wife’s explicit approval for debauchery with Rosario Dawson.

  13. Hmm… thumbs up for this one, methinks. I dunno about Rosario Dawson, though. I mean, she was great in RENT, but…

  14. Well the cat pee thing was your fault because you fed them actual tuna. They were high. Obama needs to institute a kitty rehab bill.

    Seriously, no one who reads this blog is in the entertainment industry and could get in contact with Rosario Dawson about this? Help the poor President out, here!

  15. Oh c’mon, Our esteemed President is only superhuman, not God. Just this morning I saw him rescue two dogs from a tree, cleaning up street litter in East Boston and then signing a treaty against the abuse of sonic death monkeys with East Timor. You ARE on the list for the next 100 days.

  16. Maybe he can squeeze in the telomere thing. Although you know, if your cells stop dividing, man, the telomeres sorta stop degrading, so there’s a possible downside to getting your wish.

  17. I believe that the comment thread has inadvertently identified the real lapse on Obama’s part: he has completely and utterly failed to initiate the much-needed Rosario Dawson Cloning Program. It’s a vital first step en route to achieving the necessary number of spouse-sanctioned nights of pleasure.

  18. I don’t know her, but I’m guessing that Krissy finds the Rosario scenario hilarious.

    (probably best not to ask why, John.)

  19. About a month ago, I was woken by the sound of an engine revving. A few moments later, the phone ring. As soon as I answered, a woman started purring “This is Rosie, is John there?” I told them they had the wrong number. The phone went dead, then the car sped off.

    I was drowsy and forgot or I would have told you sooner. Or lied and say that I was you.

  20. He hasn’t turned the 40 hour work week into a 32 hour work week, with the same pay as if you worked a full 40 hour week.

  21. I was just hoping Obama would nationalize Ford and force them to put a modern suspension on the Mustang. Only reactionary right-wingers would want so conservative a rear suspension as the covered wagon-derived solid axle setup in the Mustang. Liberals like turning!* So they need an independent rear suspension like all those Europeans have. And springs with progressive rates obviously.

    But if the government is going to hand out sportscars I think we have a better chance of getting Pontiac Solstices at the moment. It’s got IRS sure, but in a move to appeal to conservatives Pontiac did put a truck transmission in it… and let a drooling troglodyte design the top.

    * As opposed to conservatives whose views on the subject were once perfectly enunciated by the Iron Lady, Margeret Thatcher, who famously said “This lady is not for turning!”

  22. I still haven’t gotten my pony. Which given more thought is probably a good thing. I don’t have a very big yard and really don’t want to clean up after a smaelly beast like that. My ferrets make more than enough mess.

  23. the rosario dawson thing would buy my vote for life. heck, i’d settle for halle berry (short0-haired halle, though.)

    (thank god my wife doesn’t read this blog…)

  24. I’m still waiting for my Jessica Beal clone from Obama!!! I bought that horriable movie Stealth just because of that shot of her in the bikini!! Who was that lucky bastard in the shot with her? Obama needs to address this problem and leave the swine flu stuff alone.
    John, I’m waiting for your sequal to Zoe’s Tale, called Jessica’s Tale, diffintenly not YA!!!!

  25. I already had a mustang* so Obama gave me two free games and a couple of blu-ray movies with the new PS3 – so, you know, I’m good. Also, he made it sunny here in Alaska today. Really, asking for anything more would just be greedy.
    Technically the Mustang is my wife’s car, but she does let me drive it once in a while. Yesterday, in fact, she let me drive it over to the car wash…

  26. Sounds like we’re all invited to a tea party at Scalzi’s place.

    Will we be having jam yesterday or jam tomorrow?

  27. Regarding #9, be thankful. Having someone else brush your teeth means you have much bigger probleams than the rest of the list.

    Perhaps it is a feline conspiracy. Our cat Fluffy has started hocking up hairballs, since Ophelia (our 18 year old cat) died last fall — she who loved to leave hairballs wherever we might step throughout the Clinton and Bush administrations.

  28. He still hasn’t delivered on my faultless, bugless, security holeless, BSOD less, Windows OS

  29. John, you’re missing the big picture. Where the hell is the faster-than-light travel, terraforming, and direct mass-energy conversion technology we were promised?

  30. I think the solution here clearly is to clone the President. There’s just not enough of the man to go around.

    With proper marketing, we could erase our national debt and get people to actually buy stuff again:

    World Leader

    Three easy payments of 39.95, S&H included.

    Act now and get a clone of the First Puppy, absolutely free.

    See our website for Other Amazing Offers, like a First Family and/or the handy Press Secretary.

    And then there’s the refurb version of him on Craigslist:

    Used World Leader, proven track record, slightly gray but really still really tall. Ex. cond. Wardrobe included. $100 OBO.

  31. This is the real problem with the Democrats – they want you to think that only they can provide you with sufficient… (I cannot believe I’m writing this) Rosario interaction when what you truly need is to be a capitalist and go into business with the least amount of constraints to clone Rosario yourself.

    Do not depend on the government to do what you should be able to do yourself.

    So if you want Rosario – get her yourself.

    [going to confession now]

  32. Cheer up. Maybe Rosario Dawson has a thing for Ernest Borgnine. Um, in which case she’d probably just go phone him up… so, ah, never mind.

  33. You wingnut!

    I’M the one who gets spousally approved sex with Rosario Dawson.

    All this is pending Tony Stewart’s agreement to compensate my wife for one night in a similar deal.

    However, if Shirley Manson volunteers to take over for Rosario, John, you may stake your claim.

    Oh, and you have to floss yourself, too, dude.

  34. Did you donate? The ninja powers only went to people who donated over $500 to the campaign. (Which reminds me: if you’re wondering where the Meiville ARC is, I’ll have it back on your nightstand tomorrow.)

    I’m not sure what you had to donate to get the Dawson thing, but I suspect it was *way* out of my league.

  35. Colby, many folks would be delighted if Obama turned the 40-hr work week into a work week in which one only had to work, you know, 40 hours. (Likewise with the same pay.)

    At this point, the whole FTL thing seems about as likely.

  36. Well, what if McCain had been elected and this was the end of his first 100 Days?

    1. I’m still balding and starting to LIKE it.

    2. Cat still wakes me up in the middle of the night for her “wet food” fix; now acts as part of the “universal health care” plan rammed through Congress, keeping my blood pressure up to suitable levels.

    3. Souped up Model T has YET to arrive.

    4. Told by government to brush my own damn teeth–just can’t bite whom I choose to with them.

    5. Not sure what the heck I’d do with Rosario Dawson, even if private industry could provide her.

  37. Steve Burnap: If you count both primary and general donations from my spouse *and* myself, we may have qualified for the ninja powers. I wonder if we can split it.

    (I’m not fond of heights, so she can have the dancing along rooftops thing, especially if I can have the ability to hide in shadows.)

  38. In regards to cloning: everyone in my university got a spam e-mail from a “Scarlett Johannson” saying she would like her DNA back. Apparently, cloning her was a big part of someone’s plans.

  39. Rosario Dawson hasn’t called me either, so I’m guessing her phone is broken. Which is totally Obama’s fault, too.

  40. Ah, but he did fix that problem where you were trapped in a car with the windows uncracked on a hot sunny day last August. It is no longer August, it is now April. Mission Accomplished.

  41. “I did not vote for Obama just to have ripped sneakers, unsatisfactory beverages and no spousally-approved hot sex with Rosario Dawson in my bitchin’ new muscle car.”

    I get the Rosario Dawson thing. I get the bitchin’ new muscle car thing. What I don’t get is the sex with Rosario Dwason in your bitchin’ new muscle car. Have you seen the back seat of a new Mustang.

    I speak from experience; go for a vintage 1968 Mustang. You could have small orgy in the back seat of that thing. If you get the V8 (a 289 cubic incher), you get plenty o’muscle; again I speak from experience.


  42. I was promised punch and pie.

    I have no pie and the only punch I got this morning was from my wife who gave it to me when I complained I didn’t wake up to a tasty pie.

    This is clearly a sign that our President is no good.

  43. I think you need to cut the President some slack. Consider the alternative. Had McCain won, you’d have had multiple visits from Michele Bachmann, who would have sat at the end of your bed lecturing you about the dangers of Grainy-Sex-Tape-Posted-to-BitTorrent-Worthy Debauchery™.

    And I’m betting he would have delivered on that. Oh! The humanity!

  44. I have it on good authority that Rosario and many others have phoned your wife, only to be turned down. She’s mean and totally unfair. And Rosario *would* brush your teeth for you, if only Krissy would let her.

  45. Where is my 1950 Jaguar XK 120 in hunter green with the cream leather interior? Is it too much to ask?

    I agree with the failing grade and that our president is no good.

  46. Is anyone seeing vids @ #33 and #38? I’m just seeing white space where a YouTube vid would be. Not sure what’s blocking it.

  47. good points. I still had to pay my mortgage, the neighbor down the street still went through forclosure and I still had to pay taxes (although I now have some serious tax shelters so next year wont be near so bad).

    What I have learned/benefited from:
    learned of a new dog breed I have never heard before.
    learned how important teleprompters are.
    learned that I am not the only one who has had back taxes that I hoped would go away.
    learned that I health care wont change at all.
    learned that being a community organizer is a valid experience building task.
    learned that they can make a chia pet in any shape.

  48. John @60: It must be Obama’s fault!

    Seriously, thanks. I can now quit looking for settings to screw around with. :)

  49. Yo, John! Since I work at Ford’s, I’d appreciate your getting the Mustang regardless…

  50. Matt:

    Indeed looks better. Thanks! Next up: Option for me to allow or disallow media embedding on comment threads (because sometimes I might not want).

  51. My garden is still unweeded, my cast-iron skillet is losing its patina, and this ice cream? More ice than cream.

    Mr. President, have pity on the working man and bring me a creamier fudge ripple.

  52. Matt @64, John @65: Yep, they’re there now. Thanks! :)

    Next up: Option for me to allow or disallow media embedding on comment threads (because sometimes I might not want).

    At first, I thought that’s what this was.

  53. @65: John, I just pasted a link into the comment, I wasn’t trying to embed.

    Embed. Dawson. Mmm….

    What was the question?

  54. I too was concerned, especially since issue #2 has not yet been dealt with, about the problems with you and Ms. Dawson actually in the Mustang. Apparently, Krissy is looking out for the both of you in prohibiting any such event.

  55. Ah HAH!

    The first rule of Secret Ninja LASER POWERS Club is to deny that there is a Secret Ninja LASER POWERS Club!

    Ergo, you actually have just OUTED YOURSELF as a successful member of Secret Ninja LASER POWERS Club!

    This entire tirade has been a monumentally unsuccessful attempt to distract us from your new Secret Ninja LASER POWERS – obviously implanted as a field test for Stargate Universe. See, not only have you failed to deceive us, but you have leaked critical fan base information about the upcoming show you’re consulting on.

    Your Fu is WEAK! But your LASER POWERS strong.

  56. Obama has also failed to rebuild America’s shattered foreign image by providing me with a clone of Scarlett Johansson. The Saudi king gets a bow, Chavez gets a handshake, and yet I do not get a sultry supermodel of my very own. Clearly this is unfair in the extreme and you must all secede from the United States and elect a President who will fulfill his giving-me-Scarlett Johansson-clones obligations.

  57. I’m sure we’ll recover from the recession, but what about static cling? Priorities, Perez.

  58. I’m disappointed too. Obama has clearly not repaired our trade relationship with Australia, because my expected shipment of Craig Horner with optional Utter Devotion to Me has not arrived.

    Honestly, can’t they even get to the negotiating table? OMFSM.

  59. Next up: Option for me to allow or disallow media embedding on comment threads (because sometimes I might not want).

    The idea of a Whatever thread that allowed embedding of, say, LOLcats (including even potentially submissions by people willing to make images that could risk them the wrath of Chang, who is not Chang!) could be rather daunting …

  60. A V6 Mustang? (helpless spluttering)

    Dude. DUDE. The V6 Mustang is a goddamned travesty. A car that heavy with an engine that small? It’s fine for around town, but once you get on the freeway, it’s like driving through silly putty.

    A V6 Mustang is just…decorative. Seriously, what’s the point of a muscle car with no muscle? It’s the equivalent of buying one of those touristy Strong Man t-shirts and saying “Look, I worked out!”

    It’s…it’s…I think I need to go lie down. Lay down? I just don’t know anymore.

  61. Seriously, if anyone’s really wondering about that, the mnemonic I give to people is that the one with an I in it, ‘lie’, is the intransitive one. So you can lie down, but you can’t lie anything else down. You lay other things down (such as the law, your sword, your burden of sin, etc.).

    The annoying part is that ‘lay’ is also the past tense of ‘lie’: I went, I lay down, and sleep came into me. Past of ‘lay’ is ‘laid’: he laid down his machete, his labrys, and his flensing knife; then he lay down and slept.

    I tried. I really did. I couldn’t resist. Sorry all. I’ll be over here now.

  62. $10,000,000,000 in new Federal debt is just not enough!

    More more faster faster!!!!!!!!!!

  63. Re point number 10;
    I say you hold out for the pretty blue one with the drop top. Nothing like a Mustang Convertible.

    But you have to be a man, and make Obama provide you with a stick shift, no wussy auto-magics for my autohors.

  64. Afurrica@80, And what a V6! While Nissan gets 320 horses out of a 3.7, Toyota gets 280 out of a 3.5 and even Hyundai can squeeze 300 out of a 3.8, poor Ford is sitting there with a 4 liter mill that barely ekes out 210 ponies.

    The Cologne V6 is, however, slightly more modern than the rear suspension. The engine dates from 1964. Suspension… 1864.

  65. What about sentient robots?!?! I want my sentient robots! Even if they do eventually overthrow their human masters.

  66. DAWSON?? Damn, I TRIED to help you out, amigo. You’ll be getting a call from Rosie O’Donnell soon. Just make something up….

  67. DAWSON?? DonHo, why would you think John would want to have sex with James Van Der Beek?

  68. Xopher @ 78:

    The lack of Craig Horner is your fault, not Obama’s. While he is Australian, the show is filmed in New Zealand (hence the awful faux-american accents. We’re really not very good at them). I’m sorry to say you misaddessed your import request.

  69. Until I read your rant I was quite satisfied with O’s 100 days. You see, we used to have quite zero infestation around here. Around the neighborhood, thronging front doors, shooting up like hoodlums, oozing along, old noughts, new zilches, middle-aged nadas — piles and piles of them, clogging troughs, blocking roadways, tornados of zeros in a big blow — gosh it was awful.

    But with the bailouts and the stimuli and the budget deficit there’s been a tremendous clean-up. I think it’s Homeland Security guys, sneaking around at night, who hauled off the last of the zeros last week for use in a new trillion-dollar estimate or pronouncement or something. It was such a relief to be able to go for a walk again, BREATHE again.

    Such short-lived relief. Now that I know what you’re going through, I shan’t be able to sleep.

    Not that I was expecting to sleep much, what with Rosario Dawson coming over, and all.

  70. Van’s sneakers should be sold pre-ripped! Those puppies are prime time now. Wear them until your heels are bleeding… Then, and only then, is it apprpriate to get a new pair.

  71. Eddie, they promised to nab him when he was home for a visit!

    Hmm. Looks like I’ll have to reorder. Can you put some cute gay Kiwis in the box too?

    (The accents don’t bother me. It’s clearly not taking place in America, so vaguely fantasy-somewhere-or-otherish accents seem perfectly suitable. I don’t understand why they take all these Ozzies and Kiwis and force them to put on American accents, instead of their lovely (and often sexy) Antipodean accents. I guess they have to be easy for Americans to understand, but that doesn’t require more than a bit of shading, surely? At any rate, it certainly doesn’t require that they actually sound American.

    I never understood this on FarScape, either. It was a proudly Australian production, but still they faked American accents—on alien characters! Gigi Edgley started out with an Australian accent, but went more and more American as the series progressed, ending with a distinctly mid-Pacific (!) sound. Meanwhile Claudia Black sounded Australian (at least to me) from the very first to the very last. The only one I really found horrible was a guy on the Earthbound episodes in the fourth season, who was clearly supposed to be American (the worst kind, in fact), but was clearly not, and just as clearly had not been adequately dialect coached. Now THAT was cringeworthy.)

  72. The only one I really found horrible was a guy on the Earthbound episodes in the fourth season, who was clearly supposed to be American (the worst kind, in fact), but was clearly not, and just as clearly had not been adequately dialect coached. Now THAT was cringeworthy

    Indeed. If you ever watch Spooks/MI-5, the American accents on that range from lol-worthy to just wrong enough to be like nails on a chalkboard. So much else in that show is so good, it’s bizarre to me that they can’t get better dialogue coaches.

    While we’re making wishes, I am disappointed in the President because he didn’t give me that season 5 of Farscape, the five entire seasons of Firefly, and another three seasons of The Sarah Connor Chronicles I wanted.

    And a pony.

  73. I totally second the whole “where are my 100 more episodes of Firefly” thing. Sniff.

    But on the plus side, Scalzi, at least you *have* a cat…

  74. Xopher:

    re Antipodean accents: yes, I found out that North American boys rather like them in my year in Canada *grin*.

    Oh and Obama sucks btw. He’s done nothing for me! Or anyone in New Zealand. Where’s this new world order I was promised!

  75. Not exactly related, but I think I saw you with a hot chick at a nightclub in Amsterdam* NL on Saturday. Perhaps you’ve got permission for some extramarital nookey.

    *I wasn’t taking any drugs except alcohol

  76. *note to self: visit Oz and NZ before you’re too old to enjoy it*

    *note to self: ship has sailed :-( *

  77. This may get me burned at the stake for heresy, but in retrospect, I’m kind of glad that Firefly got the axe from the idiots at Fox after that one glorious season. That way, they went out before they had a chance to jump the shark on us…or keep us riveted for four seasons, and then drag a huge deus ex machina out onto the stage.

  78. My 289 V8 mustang has a blown head gasket. I blame Obama. I am sure it has nothing to do with it being 43 years old.

  79. The end of BattleStar Galactica was glorious! That would be a huge accomplishment if Obama was to blame.

  80. At the risk of being labeled racist, which I am not:

    It was once said that a black man would be president “when pigs fly.” Indeed 100 days into Obama’s presidency… Swine flu.

    I found it cute. I dont think it is offensive, at least I did not mean it that way.

  81. Leaving aside whether it’s offensive, it’s kind of a weak joke.

    Also, if you ever have a situation where you have to preface by saying “At the risk of being labeled racist, which I am not,” it’s probably best to left it unsaid and avoid the trouble entire.

  82. Weak to some, knee slapping funny to others. Anywhere else I would not have prefaced it with anything, but I know there are sensitive people here.

  83. JimmyJones, I wouldn’t have thought that joke was racist if you hadn’t said “at the risk…” The combination of that, you being a self-confessed troll, and the memory of your claims not to be homophobic, makes me think maybe you ARE a little bit racist. Or more.

    I know there are sensitive people here.

    Yes, you do. You come here to poke them and see what trouble you can stir up.

  84. You know what, what I would like is for the conversation to route around the topic of the last few posts and to pretend it’s not even there. If we can’t, I’ll just go back and zap everything from comment 105, because I don’t actually want to have to deal with it.

  85. Indeed, BattleStar Galactica is one of the few series I loved that I don’t wish would come back, or go on longer. They really finished the story, in a really beautiful way. Some sadness that I don’t get to watch new episodes, but all love entails loss, and all good things must come to an end.

    So if Obama’s to blame for the end of BSG, go Obama! Personally I’m all ready to blame him for the imminent cancellation of Dollhouse, my current fave.

  86. I, too, give Mr. Obama an “F”.

    All I asked for (in return for my vote) was a beautiful country house in rural Ohio, a great family, a loving wife, the ability to write amazing science fiction novels, and several cuddly hyper-dimensional pan-galactic beings to masquerade as my pets. I even compromised and said I’d be willing to accept some Borgnine-esque facial features, if it would help seal the deal.

    Perhaps I was expecting too much from Obama’s first 100 days. But a man has to dream…

  87. I just want to settle down with a cute Kiwi.

    (No, get that funny-looking brown fruit* out of my bed!)
    *literal meaning only

  88. Actually, the primary meaning in new zealand is the plump flightless bird, Xopher. Look it up on wikipedia :P.

    Obama’s probably to blame for them all being endangered, too.

  89. JimmyJones

    Having seen a sneak preview, I know that the new Star Trek doesn’t suck. And while I am sure Abrams will be given most of the credit, and Obama won’t get the credit he so obviously deserves, the complete and total non-suckage may help some forget Obama’s failure regarding Rosario Dawson.

  90. You should have voted for Charles Atlas! If he’d won, then right now you’d be 14.2857143 times the man you are!

  91. Eddie, I know about the bird, but it doesn’t exist here. For the record, I don’t want one of those in my bed either.

  92. Feh. I saw that sneak preview, too, and that new Star Trek movie is total subliminal liberal agitprop. (Watch the Terrorist Fist Bump between Kirk and Spock at 1:14:33, and the appearance of Ensign Hopenchange at 1:22:00.)

    What America needs now is a movie with positive conservative role models. I’d like to see a starship captain with the restraint of Rush Limbaugh, the diplomatic tact of Ann Coulter, and the intellectual curiosity of Sarah Palin. I’ve always considered Kirk to be too much of an effeminate, indecisive, over-thinking pinko commie. (The actor’s a great Thespian, though.)

  93. I’m wondering if anyone else got the “jam yesterday or jam tomorrow” quote…

    Yay Lewis Carroll!

  94. Where is my robot maid? I really need a robot maid! and flying car? I was promised…

  95. When you know you read too much of Scalzi’s Blog: you have a dream that you are in REI and they have green vans with skulls on them, and Scalzi really wants them so you take a photo and email it to him.

    Yes, I know you said nothing about GREEN vans. Or Skulls. Or that REI would actually carry Vans. I can’t explain my dreams.

  96. LOL KR Wife @ 122. :) I like the name. Maybe I’ll change mine to Todd Stull’s GF. :)

  97. Nicely done, especially without biting your tongue. Your wit, sarcasm, and subtlety remain tops.

    There’s just one problem– the President still hasn’t returned my requests to clean my kitchen up.

  98. Vote for Moot in 2012! He may not fix the economy, but the new White House website will have a rocking /b channel! Plus I’m pretty sure if any president is going to get you Rosario Dawson, it’s going to be him.


  99. Go the distance – all of us deserve a GT500! Not the new one. But a 1967 one. My request to the Obama administration has gone unanswered.

  100. I recommend not lusting Mustangs anymore.

    Have one, it’s the daily commuter. The rear end not having a real suspension is just to annoying for true lustworthyness. Which is truly annoying – the car with an aluminum or CF body, and a multilink or dual A-arm or even McPherson rear suspension plus a little stiffener across the back bay would be kick ass.

    New lust object: Nissan GT-R. Saw one last week. Passed it verry slowly after pulling over behind it for a while and appreciating it. It’s theoretically as tall and long and wide as the ‘stang – but next to it, it felt smaller, and much much MUCH more cool.

    And the 4 wheel drive and 540 horses (out of a 3.8 l V6, to all you cylinder wankers) certainly don’t hurt…

  101. Viabaja: No, it should be exactly like the 1967 one, but it should run off of electricity not gas.

  102. For the “purists” who decry the Mustang’s rear suspension, let me say that my 2008 Shelby GT500 is a real fun drive! It does all of the corners I want to do at speed just fine.

    Given its stoplight to stoplight gas mileage (you pay a gas guzzler tax on the car) it might not be a great commuter car. But then, I didn’t buy it to be a commuter car.

    #5828 of the 2008 coupes.


  103. He delivered Wolverine (Hugh Jackman in tight jeans, yum!), so he gets a D from me. Now if only he can do the same with Viggo Mortenson in something…nekkid….