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And will be updating about my weekend soon. In the meantime, I’ve been looking at my mail pile when I got home and I have one question:

Which one of you all put my name on the GOP/Conservative issues mailing list? Because, seriously: if I get one more piece of mail that says “PRESIDENT OBAMA IS GOING TO EAT A BABY IF YOU DON’T CALL YOUR SENATOR NOW!” on the envelope, my eyeballs are like to explode. And where I come from, explody eyeballs are bad.

So: Which one of you was it? Because I know it was one of you.

56 Comments on “Back Home”

  1. OMFG, that is hilarious! Evil, to be sure, but hilarious nonetheless.

    Sadly, it was not me for I am not clever enough to come up with something like that. I mean, that’s right up there with sending your friends the free copy of the Book of Mormon.

    I must have been Wil.

  2. Obama would never eat babies – everyone knows that hippie communist Nazis are all vegans. Clearly he grinds them up to make fertilizer for urban gardening.

  3. I cannot tell a lie. Somebody else did it.

    Also, why are you afraid of the truth about our baby-eating president?

  4. You sure it’s not just from living in the minority leader’s district? Because I wouldn’t be surprised if the message money is currently being portioned out mainly among the key figures’ interests. Like when Emmett Kelly would sweep at the spotlights until they shrunk down into nothing.

  5. Reminds me of the time I got some spam from Stephen Harper; this was before he became Prime Minister and was still leader of the Official opposition.

    I knew it was spam because of the subject line: “Would you like a bigger wang”. I thought if he could deliver on that particular promise, he would get boatloads of votes.


  6. Oh, John, its clear you’re a Sleep-Republican. Some people sleepwalk, some people sleep-eat, you sleep-sign-up-for-conversative-mailing-lists.

  7. Someone once put me on a Flat Earth mailing list (serious not a joke), funny for 5 minutes and then just sad. Luckily they didn’t have much money and shortly the ignorance stopped appearing in my mailbox.

  8. No man, I did the Rogaine flyers as well as Hair Club for Men. The gop/conservative thing, however, that’s just cold . . . .

  9. It is free kindling for those cold Ohio winters. That is if you have a wood stove or a fire place. Otherwise… Hmmm…

    Well it could be because you are getting old so must be going conservative. Its a law or something.

  10. Not me.

    I suggest, however, that you see if any of them have business-reply envelopes. If they do, drop them (empty) in a mailbox.


    (see – i told you that you would get lots of stuff for your birtday week!)

  12. I’m with Jeff@7. I think they just paper your district with RNC leaflets and assume the 3 people who aren’t Republicans will suck it up.

  13. The cat did it…

  14. Hmmm… this phenomenon seems to happen for both parties. I’ve pretty much been a republican my whole life. This time around I contributed to Obama’s campaign and voted for him. Even put an Obama yard sign in my yard. Now I cannot stop the e-mails and calls to my home from various democratic interest groups. Many of these contacts fall into the category of help us stop the republican beast from eating our babies.

    Like most people I’m mostly a centrist that happen to lean slightly to one party. The extremes on both sides are absolute nut jobs.

    As an aside, I don’t know where I belong any more. The current republican party has lost its mind. I want a balanced budget (Bush spent an insane amount of money). Fiscally conservative, but social liberal people have been pushed out of the republican party.

  15. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me

    It was Marko.

  16. Well, all the conservative paper stuff could be used as hampster bedding… maybe its time to get your daughter a pet?

  17. Lopsided Cat is the sekrit republican in your house, but he has to use your name when he signs up for stuff. The mailman keeps returning stuff addressed to him.

  18. Look at it this way – you’re bleeding the beast, since the right-wingers are spending money to mail you crap that makes you froth!

    I feel your pain, though. I voted in the Republican primary this time around since it was pretty pointless to vote in the Michigan Democratic primary and Huckabee scared the crap out of me. I’m guessing that’s how I got stuck on a lot of conservative mailing lists. I just chuck ’em straight in the recycle bins without bothering to read ’em. I don’t have health insurance, and the people sending all the conservative crap to me generally oppose any system that would help me afford the blood pressure meds I would need.

  19. You’ve probably been targeted by some GOP computer because of where you live. It’s not personal.

  20. Wow, That sucks for you John. Maybe instead of exploding eyeballs, you should use the mailers as they deserve to be used: As toilet tissue. :P

  21. It’s because you’re about to turn 40. It is an established fact that on your 40th birthday, you become a fire-breathing right-winger. So — Happy Birthday!!

    P.S. The good news: It only last for about two years. Then you go back to whatever you were at 39.

  22. In 2004, I worked on a gay rights campaign in MI. ( we had one of Those Fucking Amendments).

    Every once in awhile, we got robocalls from Bush/Cheney.

    This, unsurprisingly, provoked all sorts of giggles and snark.

  23. Heh. I really wish I’d thought of that, that’s astonishingly funny.

    As for RNC mail, I get a bunch of it, and I usually return it marked ‘maybe when you guys start acting like Republicans again’. Been doing that since about 2006, and I don’t anticipate needing to stop that any time soon based on the national leadership.

    Of course, now, since I voted in the Democratic primary last time around I get the DNC mail as well.

  24. Bob Portnell – Sparks, NV USA – In no particular order: Husband, parent, child of God, technical writer, stargazer, gamer, and in no particular order.
    Bob Portnell

    ‘Twarn’t me. Exploded eyeballs are a waste. No good for eatin’ at ALL.

  25. Look, there are at least two sides to every issue, John, and respect should be shown to both sides of the issue.

    So, great, you’re not into explody eyeballs, and that’s fine, but that’s YOU. Others believe in freedom – explody eyeballs or “opposite” explody eyeballs, it’s just the way we’re born, not a lifestyle ‘choice’.

    Personally, I blame the two-party system.

  26. Hmm, you live in rural Ohio right? Very Rural??? Would it be safe to say that your area was more reddish than purplish? It’s probably easier and more cost-effective for them to just carpet bomb certain demographic makeups than having to bother with mailing lists.

    But don’t let this boring explanation spoil the paranoia! It could just as easily have been one of us too. Or Wil Wheaton. Or ……one of the other Hugo nominees???

  27. I only signed you up for tentacle porn news letters and Ryker/W. Crusher slash.

    So, if we want to see Obama eat a baby we shouldn’t call, right?

  28. KenS – Gulf Coast, Texas – Black powder rifle builder/competitor, SF reader, Chinese Tapestry Embroidery

    It really could be worse, believe it or not! I’m on the NRA mailing list. They issued me a credit card with NRA in 2″ letters stamped on it. I sprinted to my shredder, flamed them with an e-mail, and it all ended in about a month.

  29. I agree with Ian M @ 28 — as soon as I bought my condo I started getting all this garbage mail from the dark side. I even got a “personal letter” from Sarah Palin begging for money. I wrote “Get a clue!” on the form, taped a penny to it and mailed it back in the prepaid postage envelope…

  30. I think it is funny, you getting the republican zombie messages. You really aren’t the type for zombie messages and if you were you certainly would not be signing up for the republican ones.

  31. Other people have such entertaining ideas … ’twas one of them.

    My wife is a Democrat, so we both get piles from each side. I hope it’s healthy to roll it up in the newspaper log and burn it all.

  32. I suggest that when you figure out who did it, you use their contact information to express interest in attending college online. Because nothing says fun like getting 50 calls a day from “admissions advisors” asking you why you don’t seem to want to improve your life.

  33. I set up a fund that contributes $1,500 a week to the local Republican office in your name.
    (Global Orbital Delivery System powering on)
    I have a GrandCentral account in your name, that rings to a dedicated vocie recognition box that agrees to contribute to whatever the caller is soliciting for.
    (IP/Mac Address confirmed, Traceroute complete)
    The Account is funded off an adwords campaign/SEO program I am running that is selling pills of various stripes.
    (Heat Signature from laptop locked. delivering Irradiated Candiru, Electric; Flying Irritable Reticulated Eels)
    Soon you will start getting, hang on, what was that crashing sound…

  34. Erbo – Second Life Resident, EVE Online capsuleer, virtual community maven, software engineer, computer geek, SF fan, conservative, cat lover. Also, The Game.

    Sorry, not me. Not only would I have no idea where to send the dead-tree spam too, I’ve been way too busy recently to devote any time to the thought of bombarding famous authors with right-wing mail.

    Makes me wonder if it was a Democrat that signed you up, to cause you to develop an even bigger hatred of the GOP. But…no, that plan’s too devious and could backfire too easily.

  35. I would have done it, but getting junk mail is so prosaic. If only they gave them your cell phone number as a HOT potential donor. Now, that is a prank.

  36. I live in the same school district as John, and do not get GOP goop in my mail box.

    Wait… better check.


    Feel free to be paranoid again, John.

  37. John, I think you have missed an important point.

    The man is eating babies! As President! The Oval Dining Table has been desecrated!


  38. At least you’re not on the American Family Association’s mailing list. It’s like the RNC, on even more crack.

  39. What flavour babies? Because while my gut is against it, I’d really need more information before I acted against him. As a committed believer in the theory of evolution, I hold that babies who smell like barbecue sauce, for example, should be destroyed before they breed. I’m not unreasonable – I mean, no-one’s going to eat your kids …

  40. @52 vian writes: I’m not unreasonable – I mean, no-one’s going to eat your kids …

    Pardon me, but did you perchance lose some tags? Found these lying on the base of the comments box:

            <As: Bury Renoir>    </Coulton> 
            <Coulton>            </sniarB ruoY :eR> 
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