The Baby Appears Strangely Unconvinced of Krissy’s Good Intentions

I’m not sure why.

26 Comments on “The Baby Appears Strangely Unconvinced of Krissy’s Good Intentions”

  1. Are you kidding? The baby is being totally cool about the whole thing and using a single look to convey its disdain for this “all bark growl and no bite” attitude in today’s tall people.

  2. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me
    Chang

    KRISSY IS GOING TO EAT A BABY IF YOU DON’T CALL YOUR SENATOR NOW!

  3. Krissy’s fine. You’re the scary one. Cats flee in terror out of fear that they’ll have bacon taped to them. I can’t imagine what you’d do to a baby.

  4. I don’t think it’s any doubt about good intentions so much as, “Crap, lookit all those TEETH! I’m really NOT looking forward to teething.”

  5. csdaley – C.S. Daley was born in California but has spent most of his life in his imagination. His first short story written in third grade, the now classic "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind," was sold to his next door neighbor for a quarter. The neighbor promptly demanded a refund. An unhealthy obsession with the writings of Neil Gaiman, Christopher Moore, and Terry Pratchett have left his mind warped and broken. He spends most of his evening swilling down coffee while tapping at a keyboard under the watchful eyes of his kittens. They are there to make sure he doesn't snap. He likes to write fantasy for adults and teens.
    Christopher

    That’s how I feel around babies also!

  6. One: That baby is adorable

    Two: I always find it a little bit odd how it’s totally acceptable to tell someone you want to gobble their baby up.

  7. neutronjockey – Jeff Richard (J.K.Richard) a.k.a. the neutronjockey, is a former nuclear mechanic supervisor and medical officer recruiter for the U.S. Navy. He was honorably discharged from military service in January of 2006. In his civilian life he is a digital artist, leathercraftsman, and writer living in Tulsa, OK. Occaisionally he commits to research work for SF/F authors. Jeff is owned by a gray Maine Coon cat while at home and three awesome horses while at the barn. <a href="http://neutronjockey.livejournal.com">I blog on LJ</a>
    JKRichard

    “Oh, my goodness, your baby is so cute I could just eat her…”

    “Oh my gawd Krissy, NO!”

  8. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM
    NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM
    NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM
    NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM
    NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM
    NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM
    NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM
    NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMN
    OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM
    NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMN
    OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM
    NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM

  9. I talked to the mother of that infant on the elevator. After I had talked to Krissy earlier that day on the same elevator.

    Coincidence? ;)

  10. Favorite scenes from bad television: A young girl with a baby on her lap, doing the classic “I’m gonna eat you up! Yes I am! Yes I am!” thing, with the high pitched aren’t-you-cute voice and everything. Boring, right?

    Except it was from the appallingly bad Blade TV series, the young girl was a vampire, and she had every intention of devouring the cute baby on her lap. Even bad series do occasionally have their moments.

  11. The baby seems to be thinkiing, “I’m going to be in therapy over this incident, aren’t I?”

    And to Romeo Vitelli: Mr. Scalzi would obviously tape bacon to the baby.

  12. True, in fact finding such a scene on BTVS would have surprised no one. Finding it on Blade was like finding a diamond in a cat box.

  13. Something just occurred to me.

    Does anyone know if there are other languages where it’s perfectly acceptable to tell someone there baby is so adorable you want to gobble it up?

    If I said “Oh your baby is so cute, I could just gobble them up!” in Russian, would I get a smile or a fist in the face?

    Also, what the hell do people who speak English as a second language think of this idiom?

  14. Well, it’s not an idiom. You’re literally saying you want to devour their baby; it’s not any kind of metaphor or anything. The fact that you don’t MEAN it doesn’t mean you’re not SAYING it.

  15. BC Woods, I was watching the TV last night when I couldn’t sleep, and a lady on one of the channels was saying to a gentleman that she was going to swallow him whole, but it wasn’t all of him she swallowed so I think she told a lie. I guess that was a pretty naughty lady. You shouldn’t say you’re going to do something and then not do it. The gentleman looked happy though, but watching that channel made me feel funny so next time I can’t sleep late at night I’m going to have a glass of warm milk instead. Because that channel was confusing and made me feel funny.

  16. In Germany, at least in my part of it, people usually say that a baby is so cute they could steal it.

    Announcing that you’d like to eat a baby, within earshot of the parents, strikes me as very disturbing. Especially since cute and edible don’t really go together.

  17. they say it in israel (in hebrew). a friend of mine said it to her kids constantly, well past the age where they could definitely understand what she was saying.

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