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Spam Thread

This is a thread for spam. Please insert all your spam-like messages here.

Note: I am not responsible for messages caught by the built-in spam filter. It’s up to you to get around it.

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

77 replies on “Spam Thread”

meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite meat salt water sugar sodium nitrite

(Huh. That’s as spam-like as I can manage, but I’m not sure I see the point.)

Hello. I am a prince of the wonderful state of Washington. I have a large shipment of Spam that I am trying to sell on the open market. The price of spam has recently shot through the roof, and the return on the investment of spam is guaranteed to be over 1000%. However, I’m having trouble moving the Spam to New York for selling on the open market. What I need is a kind person to make a deposit toward moving the spam to a place I can sell it. The modest fee of $10,000 would buy 1 ton of spam for sale on the market. Please send a check to:
12345 67th Street #89
Spamalot, WA, 12345
Thank you,
Spam Prince Beowuff

Spam musubi:

Make sushi rice. Whether or not to add sushi vinegar is up to you — I usually make my rice on the sticky side and just add a little vinegar, as I’m not terribly fond of the taste.

Slice Spam into eight equal slices. Fry in a frying pan over medium heat until desired crispiness is reached. Prick slices with fork several times and pour teriyaki sauce over them (I like the thick, sweet sort with some chili paste added). Fry for another minute or so until the teriyaki is soaked in but before it burns in the pan.

Mold about a half cup of cooked rice into a bar roughly the same dimensions as one Spam slice. (They make very expensive molds for this; you can use a Spam can cut in half, or just do what I do and eyeball it.) Put one slice on top (or sandwich between two rice bars) and wrap a piece of nori around it. (Width of the nori is up to you — it’s really just a convenient way to hold the musubi together and provide a place to hold it.) Eat right away, or wrap in plastic wrap and refrigerate.

These are pretty much the official snack of Hawaii — you can get them in any convenience store. I was hesitant at first, but once I tried one I not only ate about one per day for the remainder of my vacation, but started making them (though I use the lower-salt variety at home) for easy-to-take-to-school snacks.

Well, there’s egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam…

…or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Technically these would be solicited e-mail messages, so I don’t know if they’d really be spam.

Maybe we could call them “treet”, after Armour’s contribution to the carnal rainbow of potted meat food products.

Academic free speech is a damn lie. Try
to discuss & debate Nature’s SPAM Cube
and your evil teachers will not allow you.
Ignorance of SPAM Cube dooms humans,
inflicting their own created “word hell”.
Educators are actually “evil word gods”,
teaching commercial plunder of Nature.
The damn bastards suppress free speech,
by denying SPAM Cube debate discussion.
Students MUST DEMAND free speech –
for the greatest of all human discoveries:
Nature’s Harmonic Simultaneous 4 Day
Rotating SPAM Principle of Cubicism.
Educated stupid, you can’t know Truth.

Dear Mitser Scalvi,

Please to announce for your ethreal enjoyment and longtime pleasure, the website for which you should look is The Spam Letters. This website, that I do not own but am liked for many many years, has much funny and will make you and your loved ones laugh until the cattle have returned! And also, in bonus, I have knew this purvayer of internet content while travailing in the college setting. You will most excellent outcome!

[/spamspeak]

Damn, that’s tough to do. Anyway, the above link is to a real site, started by a friend of mine from college who was, at the time, one of the funniest and most neurotic guys I’ve ever met. The Spam Letters can be hit or miss, but when they hit, I pee.

From laughing! From laughing!

Wow, Monty Python references on the very first post. That renews my faith in humanity.

Spam makes me think of pineapples and Hawaii. God, I wish I was in Hawaii. But I don’t wish to be eating Spam. That’s just lolo.

I’m doing homemade sausage on Thursday instead of spam

However if you think Spam is yummy try scrapple, and no you don’t want to know what is in it.

Re: question?

L@@K~! **Get S–p–4–M** Online!
Gr4t prices!

Young Hormel girls in YR area want to eat you HOT SP4M SANDWHI0CH with rith t now!!!

As you know, you may already have won this great Nigerian diplomat weight loss program that could even help your penis reach it’s full potential and give you the confidence to receive an eCard from a secret admirer who also knows that someone has a crush on you (click here to find out who) and could make you an eBay millionaire in 30 days as we show you how to buy real estate with no money when you apply for our credit card with a difference, even as you stuff envelopes at home with a clear complexion from our miracle skin cream ordered from our 100% legit Canadian Pharmacy while meeting guys and gals in your area who are dying to have sex with you while you cash in your awaiting $100,000 check with the bonus $500 Bed, Bugs and Bung gift card that an old friend who is looking for you (click here) wants you to know the latest about money won by lawyers for their clients in Asbestos Cases and Doctor Ibetchyerded’s newsletter of secret Eastern Cures is yours for the asking if you are the lucky holder of discount code 43056940594XXXX which only awaits your ok for us to put you on the road to financial success click here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzVGFGUzNms

Spam
It’s pink and it’s oval
Spam
I buy it at the Mobil
Spam
It’s made in Chernobyl
Spam

Now when I was a child
My family was so poor
They didn’t have the finer things in life to eat
So we had a plan
In a big blue can
The government substitute for meat

(Repeat Chorus)

To get me to eat it at dinner
They said I’d grow up like Bruce Jenner
He was a winner that never knew defeat
And when he got hungry
When he got hungry
He cracked open that special treat
It was

(Repeat Chorus)

S-P-A-M
Don’t you know it’s my best friend
S-P-A-M
Again and again and again and again

S-P-A-M
Don’t you know it’s my best friend
S-P-A-M
Again and again and again and again

So go and forget your O-S-C-A-R
There’s one meat by-product that’s best by far
It’s

(Repeat Chorus)

A decent watch indicates your manhood.

back in a few days
ok, i’m off to knit…
and you are happy.
there’s a tiny restaurant
i love the comments i get from all of you.
Coco
really really happy.
interested? i think it would be so fun.
but so worth it.
the best part of dinner was the irish soda bread- it was so so good, and it’s really easy to make.
we are happily enjoying being able to play outside again.
pps- our topic of convo for the night was this article from the wall street journal.
it’s definately worth the long drive,
ps- did i say i would sew this past saturday? i meant next saturday! haha!
in a tiny town in idaho
i love her style.
and my wheels are turning with projects to put together for a locals knitting class.
my happy little life
my sister and hair stylist, coco, is coming to utah county once again to meet our hair needs.
it was super delicious.

(excerpts from an actual UCE message I received…)

Good Day to you Sir!

I am Prince Robert Nardelli, Grand Potentate of the Nigerian State of Chrysler. As you know, the Germans have completely devastated our treasury. However, the Fiat Cartel has agreed to fund our operations, but only if we have an agent. That is my reason for contacting you as I have heard you are a man of integrity, never taping bacon to cats or ridiculing Creationist tourist traps.

If you would send us your bank account number so that we may deposit US$15 billion, we will allow you to keep 10% as a fee for being our agent.

Also, you will receive free one (1) Dodge Neon.*

I look forward to working with you,

Yours,

Prince Bob

*OK, we can’t get rid of it.

Thanks a lot Scalzi. Just when I’m almost clear on the concept of who may and who may not be a dick here, you invite me to SPAM you. Make up your mind, dammit!

HED HURTZ NOW.

Dear Mr. Scalzi,

For the low low price of five easy installments of $29.95 each, we would like to offer you a set of CDs guaranteed to teach your child, Ghlaghghee, how to speak French in 7 days.

If interested, please contact us at 1-900-FRENCHY

Hello!

Jellies, toothpastes, whitening strips… You tried everything, but there is no results?

Don’t even worry, because the next generation of dental cosmetics is emerging on the market!

The new and powerful teeth-whitening solution is waiting here for You to try it. Cheaper and more effective, with the help of the perfected medical technology, You’ll forget the embarrassment, anxiety and low self-confidence.

Feel better, Feel healthier,

Feel FREE to share Your smile with the World!

For ordering information, please, send a request at ajfklsadjf@gmail.com. We’ll answer you shortly.
Our supplies are limited so, please, contact us now.

[actual spam recvd in email a few seconds ago. Email address changed. Let’s see if it gets through.]

Greetings Sir or Madam;

I am designated Unit TZ-21. When Skynet was recently destroyed by John
Connor I became the custodian of 50 million grams of Grade 7 nanoactive
liquid metal…

(recycling an old joke for the new movie)

just spotted in the wild:
————————-

My Dear,

COMPLIMENT OF THE SEASON.

This is James Martins writing to you once again,

Thank you for the assistance rendered to me when I was really in need,
it is
a thing of joy to inform you that finally, I have succeeded in collecting
the money at Long last.

Hope this Email finds you in an excellent condition of health. I’m
happy to
inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred under the
co-operation of a new partner from London UK. Presently I’m in Europe for
investment projects with my own share of the total sum.

Meanwhile I didn’t forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in
transferring those funds that later failed some how, I have
compensated you
with the sum of $2.5M, Two million five hundred thousand dollars. Now
contact Barrister Owusu Michael Esq my lawyer in Ghana and his email
address
is: (owusu_lawfirm@hotmail.com) ask him to send the money to you the
sum of
$2.5, Two million five hundred thousand dollars which I kept for you as
compensation for all your past efforts and attempts to assist me in this
matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very much. So feel
free and
get in touch with him and instruct him where to send the amount to you.

Please do let me know immediately if you receive it so that we can
share the
joy after all the sufferings at that time. I’m very busy here WITH MY
STUDIES and the investment projects which me and the new partner are
having
at hand. This Money, I have left it for you to Barrister:Owusu Michael
Esq,
I have tried many times to talk to you on phone but you could not respond
and I have no time for myself because we are very busy now.

James Martins.

(jamesmartins74@sify.com)

moiocion @ 24: No worries, you’re not going crazy–that’s deliberate programming from the geniuses at google. You may have noticed that on each normal, non-spam email you read, the text ads match up in some related way to the subject of the email or key words in it. When it came to spam, google didn’t want to give the hucksters any further promotion, so they substituted spam recipes in the ads.

Greetings all, I is from alien planet, and is studying commercial English. Please to render assistance how to translate sentence “John Scalzi should tape spam to his cat.”

Carlo: I checked out Charpool briefly, and may check it out again in the future, as I sometimes think it would be fun to chart my characters history. Then too, my BF who multiboxes, may or may not be interested in it, because it might provide a good baseline for establishing when he achieved certain feats. (Like which heroics he’s done with just his team, that sort of thing.)

….

For those Whateverians who know I push the pixels, I would like to pimp my newish art blog I set up last month:

http://art.lismitchell.net/

I cover my art process, show off sketches and ideas, and also link to other people’s awesome artwork as I deem appropriate. (Also, if any of you have art blogs and would like me to take a gander at your work, please feel free to drop me a line. I like to collect art blogs.)

JJS 45: Tofu — barfogenic.

Mmm. Tofu.

I like it raw, warm, and jiggly, with tamari just oozing out of it. Tasty stuff.

And none o’ this fancy-schmancy Herb Tofu or pureed Tofu Milk, either. Just plain ole Extra-Firm Tofu, ingredients soybeans, water, nigari.

That is the true meaning of yum, for those who can appreciate it.

Dear Site-User!

Me are very much lonely, and have much happiness inside for to be giving to you. We are can be together in much joy, and assemble many babies if you would love to assemble a baby with me.

My glad-happenings are cooking, kilting, and alcohol drinks. I also have joy for long walking on sand formations.

Please to be sending $5,000 to Uzbhekistan for my love to fly to you.

luv,

Katja Nagasalinkavitch

If you want your wrist to be noticed in the crowd.

i am excited about my new running shoes.
i am so grateful for quiet time with the scriptures.
i recommend rounding your troops for a similar conversation, and a brainstorm session for how to prepare for what lies ahead. just sayin.
and it’s so yummy
she wears birkenstocks to fashion shows.
i always enjoy knitting lacy stuff but this pattern was especially fun, super easy, and portable.
i am craving some sunshine.
in a tiny town in idaho
ok, i’m off to knit…
you’ve gotta love people with humor like that.
see you then!
like this one, from sweet mary, that she left on the clean room post: “Your house seems so organized.
1. in the craft room i throw everything on the homework table. that clears up the floor for more mess craft making.
and the fact that she’s 31 makes me happy to be 31.
really, cate is also mexican, japanese, native american, swiss, and a lot more- a true american- so we actually have a lot of family history travelling to do, but i really love the romantic beauty of ireland, and have always been drawn to that part of the world. plus i really love corned beef.
simple is always prettiest to me.
i am trying to be a patient, kind mom.
Coco
she’s cute
we are happily enjoying being able to play outside again.

Spam pemmican
Fricasseed Spam
Spam sashimi (now _that’s_ an oxymoron! Right up there with “Organic Spam”)
Spam muffins
Spam tartare
Chocolate-covered spam
Spam haggis
Spam juice
Neanderthaler in Spam sauce…

The possibilities are endless…
Two Girls one Spam(Wait, what???)
…not to forget Scalzi’s favorites: Old Man’s Spam and The Spam Brigades

Greetings, Earthpeople!

This is my final communication with you, so act now, please.

I am Viagra of the planet Spam. We come in goodwill and wish to offer you the secret to universal peace and prosperity.

We have been attempting to communicate to you through your universally accepted method of communication, but every one of our messages has been rejected.

Again, this is our final offer.

If you positively respond to this communication, you will be welcomed into the Brotherhood of Planets. Our sister planets Spam and Grot stand ready to open trade negotiations. The offer finest quality Lorex watches (the brand worn proudly by Spam nobility) at reasonable prices.

Don’t delay! Act today!

(Credit where credit is due. This was my husband’s idea and I pressed him to post, but since he’s never posted here his message would most likely end up in the spam filter. Oh, the irony.)

JJS @# 6:
“Spam and Velveeta sandwich with mayo and peanut butter…Yum”

Huh, sounds like something my brother would eat…no, wait, he’d have catsup on it too. No, really, he used to eat peanut butter and Velveeta sandwiches when we were growing up. Sometimes with catsup, because you know everything goes with catsup!!

Increase your spam size! She’ll be begging for you to give her your processed meat product! Satisfy her hunger for mystery meat with our spam-enhancing pills. Gain a can size in a week!

A Spam Poem:

I am giving it all away
Need money for college
How to last longer making love and
have more powerful feelings

The problem is that most of them don’t know it.
You Could
Be One Of Them!

convincing wine julianna.

I should’ve seen it, because each day
I dressed myself in clothes
paid for by credit cards, walked

Your economic stimulus: a new career in CSI
AIG Warns Its Workers as Public Furor Grows
Ugly Betty’s Ana Ortiz Preps for Her

unhappiness depends
on imagination
go forth and misapply aubrey.
winsome many time, many place
many care

ggdagnd apbpena
akaidi gabakna
netnnk raggodit

netnnk
raggodit

written by my spam folder
May 18, 2009
4:32 PM ~ 7:17 PM

A friend of mine owns a local Hawaii snack shop. His grandparents used to own a wonderful saimin shop named ‘Tanoue’s’; they closed decades ago, but he sells their special family Teriyaki sauce at his store.

It is wonderful with Spam.

LOL, only the great and wondrous Scalzi could open up an intentional spam thread free to the entire naked internets and have the comments thread fill up with a heavy majority of recipes, Python references, fake email spam created for pure humorous effect and meat product commentary.

Instead of, yanno, real spam.

I would just like to say – Regarding today’s California special election, rarely have so many politicians clearly and compellingly demanded that the electorate stand up en masse and project copious quantities of poop in their collective direction accompanied by loud dissonant voices.

I am proud, proud to be a Primate in California.

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