The God Engines ARC Contest

Posted on May 29, 2009    Posted by      620 Comments

First off, let me just say that you are not prepared for the staggering 1970s fantasy art Gor-gasm you’re about to have looking at the cover to my upcoming novella The God Engines. So take a moment to prepare.

Ready? Here you go:

See? Told you. The artwork is from Tomislav Tikulin, who has clearly studied up on his John Norman.

And you ask: does this cover match what’s between the covers? The answer: This is in fact a reasonably accurate representation of a character in the story. Hey, when I told you guys this novella was unlike anything else I’d ever written, I wasn’t kidding. Truth in advertising, folks. Now, you’ll have to read it to find out who this character is, why he’s in chains, and why he’s so damn angry. You may be pleasantly surprised!

And if you would like to read it — early, before everyone else reads it in December — here’s your chance: Subterranean Press is running a contest, the winner of which will be sent an ARC of The God Engines, which are slated to arrive at the SubPress HQ in the next couple of weeks. When they get it, they’ll ship one off to you. All you have to do is come up with the winning answer to this question:

If this was not the cover to The God Engines, what would be the title of the book it was the cover to?

Which is to say: imagine a different book that this would be the appropriate artwork for, and think of the title. You will be graded on cleverness, quite obviously.

Rules:

1. Post your titles in the comment thread to this entry. All entries must be in by 11:59pm Eastern, Tuesday, June 2nd.

2. No more than two titles per entrant.

3. Using “of Gor” in your title is probably not as clever as you think it is, since we already went there.

4. Titles with the word “bacon” in them are also not nearly as clever as you think, and will be disqualified. Come on, people, get over it.

5. Per points 3 and 4 above, if you type in “Bacon Slaves of Gor,” or some such, we will have you killed.

6. Bill Schafer and I are final arbiters of who wins.

There it is. Think of something good, or we’ll let this guy out of his chains to come after you. Trust me, you won’t like that.

So: Book titles! What have you got for us?

Category: Uncategorized    

620 Comments on “The God Engines ARC Contest”

  2. This is almost the zoomed-out version of the cover for Your Hate Mail Will be Graded.

  9. Hmm. Tuscany Love Poems.

    Obama and America’s Socialist Democrats: Their Plan to Feed Aborted Fetuses to Gay WWE Wrestlers.

  16. _Prometheus Rebound_

    Alternately… _Santa’s Not Coming To Town This Year ‘Cuz He’s A Little Tied Up And Boy, Is He Pissed_

  21. Either, “Ghlaghghee Ghinally Ghinishes Him”,

    or

    “A Positive Self Image — Overcoming Insecurity Without Being a Douchebag”

    That’s all you get on a brain-dead Friday. :)

  36. My life as a vampire – The true story of Delilah’s Samson the church doesn’t want you to know.

  41. For some reason, I think that looks kinda like you.

    So it’s obviously your autobiography: John Scalzi: The Man, The Myth, and the Machine.

  43. Dick Cheney: The Untold Origin

    Santa Goth: The Alan Moore Guide to Perverting Your Childhood Icons for Controversy, Fun and Profit

  49. Hmm… If you knew nothing about the book, it might be a great cover for Gene Wolfe’s “Free Live Free”

    But for a contest submission, I’m suggesting “The Monarchy of Chains”

  52. #1: Unix System Administration Handbook (4th Edition)
    #2: Beard Slaves of The Walrus God: Volume 3: Unleashed!

  61. Igor Unbound: Being The True Story Of The Abrupt And Abject Failure Of The Mad Scientist Assistant’s Analyst Told In Eleven And Twenty-Seven Quatrains.

    Damn, I might have to write that!

    Dr. Phil

  62. “What happens when you forget your towel: An addendum to the Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy.”

  65. “Troll Trappers in the 23 1/2 Century” as in internet blogging trolls…..

  71. Conan 47: The Octogenarian Years

    Carnies gone Mad! – Carnival Rides Imagined by the Deranged and Insane.

  74. Ok, the obvious one first: “What Rough Beast, Its Hour Come Round At Last”

    Aaaaand…

    hmmm…

    Maybe “The Men Your Mother Warned You About”

  75. marktis: first thing I thought of. Based on the look, perhaps Genghis rather than Noonien Singh.
    Not really a title, though.

    Maybe Himbos of the Death Sun? Possibly available in variant covers a-la comic books, this being the Bear cover, Twink edition to come later…

  80. 1. US Federal Goverment Employee Handbook: (2000-2008)
    2. Anger Management for Dummies

  84. “Forgotten Love and other tales of Chain-Lust”

    “Chain Trek – Wrath of the Lost Key”

    Keeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

  92. Medieval Pilates for Beginners:an Illustrated Companion

    Sleeping Beauty:The Magic Mirror’s Revenge

  98. Seven Habits of Highly Effective Torturers
    … or …
    Old Man’s War

    (Okay, the guy doesn’t look that old, but he does have the “pulp fiction” old man look to him).

  102. #1 The Pipe Organs of Hell

    or:
    #2 The Spell was for Something Else
    (Grammer and Pronunciation in the Mystical World)

  103. It’s going to be hard to beat Atlas in Chains, but

    1. Galley Slave (see, since it’s an ARC and…oh never mind)
    2. The Ill-Tempered Clavier

  106. “2000: A Year on the Presidential Trail” by Al Gore

    or

    “It’s Man’s Life Editing Science Fiction”

  107. I started writing my first entry when there was only 18 comments and posted at 102
    The popularity is stunning

  111. Grooming for Dummies: How to get a clean shave without the pain of razor burn.

  112. “Khhaaaaaannn!: An actor’s guide to self-restraint”

    or

    “Lucifer’s Kink: Why the fallen angel really fell; A Tell-all”

  113. Anger management: How to contain your rage using only chains and an altar to the dark gods.

    The man who screamed for freedom. And suntan lotion.

  115. Cromulent: The Embiggening

    Managing the Liberals in Your Life by Rush Limbaugh.

  117. “The Complete Guide to J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek by Gene Roddenberry

    (Or should that be ghostwritten by?)

    “The Smart Girl’s Guide to Dating in 2009”

  118. (not the title: holy crap – this is why the other thread died!)

    Title:

    RROOSSEBUUUD!!!

  125. The Feral Rage of the Frustrated Pipe Organist

    or

    Sonic the Hedgehog: Dr. Robotnik the Barbarian

  126. #1: Xenu Enchained: Revenge of the Thetans: They’re back, and they are out for blood! A thrilling end to the greatest story of the XXth century.

    #2: Werewolf at the Opera: A consummate tale of raw musical genius.

  128. Sacrifice: Book Four of The Lords of Elanthar.

    OR

    I Know What You Did Last Summer

  130. “The Slave in the Magic Mirror and Me” by the Evil Queen’s Huntsman.

    or

    “How to Inspire Cooperation Utilizing the Organ Compositions of B. S. Johnson” by Havelock Ventinari

  135. Chest Blüdgüd vs. The Chainmasters of Throbb – A Chest Blüdgüd Adventure

    or

    “Less With the Muscles, More With The Phalluses!” – The Struggle Behind H.R. Geiger and Boris Vallejo’s Aborted Conan The Barbarian Movie

  140. Entry One:
    Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: 101 Tasty Ways to Prepare Man-flesh

    Entry Two:
    Chains of Love: A Primer on Anger Management Interventions

  141. Self Help book:

    It’s OK to be Angry: What to do when you’ve been shaved, chained, and left in a steel outworld dungeon

  142. Flow My Tears, The Berserker Said.

    As demonstrated by marktis @35, you can never fail with a Phillip K. Dick style title. He has the best titles in all of literature.

  147. Man, This Thing’s Hard to Play!

    or

    Playbill for Rob Zombie: Live at the Mormon Tabernacle

  154. re: response #52, answer #1: ROFL -9!

    Alternatively,

    “I Have These Chains And I Must Scratch”

  161. 1) “The Mozart Effect”

    2) “Under Penalty of Law: Why You Should Not Remove the Tag from Your Sofa”

  169. Captive in the Temple of a Muppet Albert Einstein

    -or-

    Pentagon Final Report on Conditions at Guantanamo Bay: A Graphic Novel Adaptation for President Bush

  170. “Love Slaves of the Demon Death Gods”

    no?

    How about this:
    “Samson Goes to R’lyeh”

  172. Dentistry Today – Inside, the latest in patient furniture

    See, I make it up in quantity.

  173. “The Trial of the Cosplayer”

    “I Told You I Didn’t Need Sunscreen!”

  174. If you don’t do what we tell you to do, you’ll wind up in the basement with your brother, chained to the ancient alien machine we dug up in south america: a cautionary tale for children.
    (Let’s see them come up with a title for the movie version of THAT book!)

  175. MUST…NOT…SHAVE…OFF…BEARD – The Final Days Before the World Beard and Mustache Championships

  178. “Replacing waterboarding with forced White Castle’s and no restroom access gets USA in trouble with Geneva Convention”

  180. If You Don’t Do What We Tell You To Do, You’ll Wind Up In The Basement Like Your Brother, Chained To The Ancient Alien Machine We Found In South America: A Cautionary Tale For Children.

    (Let’s see them name the movie after they buy the rights to that book!)

  181. I apologize for the double post. I didn’t think my stupid Blackberry posted it the first time, so I hopped on the laptop.

    Which leads me to the sequel for my previous book:

    See What Happens When You Double Post?

  183. Grrrr, my second entry was so lame, but I just couldn’t figure out how to incorporate the words “Wang Chung” into a second title, no matter how hard I tried.

  187. Gllorfe, Eeeebok, ed. Anger Management for Terrans. 52nd ed. Dorstoc: MacMillan, 2114.

    OR

    Brown, R., ed. Effective Comment Moderation. New York: Bedford, 2012.

  189. I dig that his teeth look sharp. I notice those things, because I care. When I saw the cover art though, the first titles that came to my mind immediately, if not prophetically were:

    Furybeard: The Chaining (Book 1 of 3)

    The Roar. Beginnings.

  194. “When Slap and Tickle Is Not Enough: Bondage for Beginners”

    “The Salacious Stars: How the Recession Ruined Space Brothels.”

  196. Joseph’s Time In Prison: The Alternate Story

    (Sorry its bad I know but the cover reminded me of Joseph in prison in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat – so I tried to come up with something that would be the alternate story of what if Joseph went insane or evil during his time in prison)

  207. The Bible: What Really Happened
    A Short Introduction to Bodybuilding for Satanists

  208. “The Intelligent Homosexual’s Guide to Capitalism and Socialism, with a Key to the Scriptures”, by Tony Kushner.

  212. The Exorcism of Hercules’ Ghost

    or

    Tales from Solitary Confinement: Fall of The Strong Man

  216. Is it just me or does it look like the artist used Sven Ole Thorsen as the Character model?

  219. At the Fountains of Madness: Can’t They See I’m Thirsty? My Mouth is Open and Everything

    or

    Catching Flies When There is No Honey

  221. The Heartbreak of Psoriasis

    OR

    How to Get the Most From Your Call to Customer Service

  223. Excerpt from Bacon Slaves of Gor by John Scalzi, from notes provided by John Norman:

    Prince Keldnar grasped the long, hard handle of his iron skillet, black with the grease of ten-thousand breakfasts, and gave the pan a quick, brief shake and was rewarded by a sizzling sigh. “The bacon at first may rebel and try to curl up, but a firm hand with the spatula will soon bend it to your will,” he said, slowly and forcefully pressing down upon a recalcitrant rasher. “It is the natural place of bacon in the scheme of breakfast to lie flat for its master and crisp evenly. It will learn this in time and will come to enjoy the sensations.” He flicked another rasher with the tip of his spatula and watched it shudder as the glistening grease spattered upon him with a violent hiss. His expression never changed as he licked the grease from his leather glove and slammed the spatula down upon the pan with a resounding crash.

  226. Growing Up Merciless: Ming, The Early Years

    and

    Swelling Organ: Wurlitzer and Hammond’s Secret War (as originally published in McSweeney’s Quarterly)

  227. Mensley@222, wow, maybe you should actually flesh that one out. If I were so inclined to be in such a state of mind at the moment, I’d have found that rather titillating. Of course, now you won’t have the chance to flesh this one out since John is probably on his way to your location with an armload of rasher to kill you, ala “Leonard Part 6.

  228. 223, #2: Brilliant. I wondered what that paperboy did after he grew up.

    Not an entry, but “Mooooooooooog!”

  229. Second Entry:

    Do Humans Scream: Top Tolimanian Scientists Debate Controversial New Theory that Vocalizations of our Popular Delicacy May Indicate Intelligence (Variant Cover)

  230. 1) A Treatise on The Effects of Late Medieval Gothic Pipe Organ Music On 5th Century Visigoths in Low-G Environments; Or, Why Experiments Created By Graduate Students Really Shouldn’t Include Time Travel.

    2) Rectal Exam: The Musical

  232. Sub press says the limited edition will have a different jacket design than the trade…which edition is this cover, trade or limited?

  235. 1) Rage in Chans – The true story of an enraged submissive.

    2) NOOOOOOO!!!!! The Luke Skywalker story: what really happened after that father-son talk on Cloud City.

  237. The Rules(TM) for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work

  240. Eric Titzer@226: well, since that wasn’t my title contest entry I might be safe, and hopefully John’s too busy reading these great posts and laughing too much to come after me with the Mallet.

    If anyone else wants to expand on what I did, feel free. I’ve only a limited tolerance for Gorean prose and only did enough to get the joke across :)

  243. Some of these are pure gold. I submit:

    The Mallet of Loving Correction

    and

    Everything You Wanted To Know About Enslaving Your Enemies But Were Afraid To Ask

  247. 1. Handel’s “Meshugana”

    or

    2. Beauty and the Beast VII: Forte’s Revenge

  249. #1) Intermediate Financial Accounting

    #2) The Drew Peterson Story: Man or God?

  251. Kermit Woodall @246: Oddly, that’s how she gets him to finish the books so she can pay the bills.

  254. Thor Hungstud and the Erotic Misadventures In The Bisexual Bondage Caverns of Steel McDeath

    Old Man’s Gor

    That’s okay, I’ll show myself out.

  259. entry #1: The Scalvi chronicles, part I: Escape from the Chains.

    entry #2: The Pipe Organ of Pain and the Singing Slave (cd of greatest hits included!)

  266. #1: Satan’s Hemmorhoids

    #2: Isometrics for Demons

    #3: The Chains of Madness

    #4: The Compleat Guide to Chairing an SF Convention – Abridged

  268. “The Unbearable Tone” – An indepth expose into the use of gothic pipe organs as a torture device in interrogations of Al Qaeda operatives.

  277. Can I use this art for my autobiography?
    “Dave SMASH!” is the title I had planned on using for that, so I suppose that is my second entry.

  280. #279 – Given the expression on the guy’s face, I think it’s more like _Britain Actually Doesn’t Have That Much Talent After All_.

  281. “Anger Management 2: Satan’s Revenge”

    or

    “Anger Management 2: Pipe Down!”

  286. Adventures in Home Cooking Vol. 1: What to do with people who cause your soufflé to fall and other exciting anecdotes..

  289. The Sin-dicated TV Chronicles, Volume 3: The Taming of Doctor Phil.

    or

    101 Blacksmithing Projects For The Serious Hobbyist.

  290. “Revenge of the Cheesemasters”

    I dunno, I just want to win an ARC. ;-)

  291. Mine was similar to Persia’s but, what the hell.

    My first thought was

    Loving Correction

    Second thought was

    They came for the bearded

  298. Well, this book is obviously part of a series… you know, Slave of WrathNor (this book), then Serpent of WrathNor, Ice Queen of WrathNor, etc., and then of course King of WrathNor, featuring that fellow you see in chains there on the Slave of WrathNor cover, only the King of Wrathnor cover shows him with weapons and a crown and big spikes on his shoulders to match the decor.

    Hopefully it’s better than that Piers Anthony ‘this man’s life’ series though – I expect it to avoid the politics and have more blood and guts and naked people, which is for the best, really.

  299. @52 twarin. “Unix System Administration Handbook (4th Edition)” is my favorite, so far.
    2 more suggestions:

    1 Practical Physical Chemistry

    2 How to Deal Constructively with Your health Insurer

  303. Title: Rasputin’s Covenant

    Alternatively: Nordmen’s Chronicles: Chains of War

    –B.

  304. 1. Lopsided Cats Dungeon of Pleasure & 24 Hour Catnip Bazaar

    2. The Mid-west Girls Guide to Selecting and Keeping the Perfect Mate 5th Edition (Revised)

  305. #1: Beauty and the Beast 3: the de-Beastifying Continues

    #2: It’s just the German cover for Agent to the Stars

  308. Ack, I didn’t read the rulez carefully enough. Can we ditch the “Mandroids” entry, and use the other two?? Oh, woe is me!

  313. “For whom the chains hold”

    “Beardo, Accounting Extraordinaire!”

  315. The Complete Lyrics Of Night Ranger: Or How To Break Any Prisoner’s Will To Live.

  316. Wait, can I correct my entry? ‘Cuz it really should be: “I know why the caged bird screams“

  317. “Scalzi on internet grammar and etiquette”

    or

    “Nerds of the 70’s: a Love Story”

  318. –A Slave to the Music

    (the object in the back reminds me of a pipe organ)

    –Sacrifice and Betrayal

    (I don’t think he’s there willingly)

  321. You’re Not Fooling Anyone When You Pretend You Photoshop the Covers for Your Books.

    John Scalzi on the Internets

  328. Sean Connery’s staggering new memoir, of course, “Asphyxiophilia and Me: Kilts Optional”

  330. Since I don’t have a chance in hell at winning an ARC, I submit:

    Revenge of the Bacon Explosion

    and

    Why Does Hell Have No Toliets?

  331. Okay I know these two don’t count but this is just too much fun:

    Anakin Skywalker: What REALLY Happened

    and

    Maybe You Should De-Install Vista and Go Back to XP?

  332. “Chaining Your Inner Patriarch: A Feminist’s Guide to Altering the Dominate Paradigm Through BDSM”

    Or

    “Check your Demons at the Door, or Why You Shouldn’t Steal Demon-Summoning Books”

  334. Riffing on your tendency to use PKD titles:

    The Man Whose Teeth Were All Exactly Alike- and Pointy!

  336. 1.) Scenes of Destruction: How Gay Marriage Caused My Divorce and Turned Me into a Masochist Queen

    2.) Loinclothes, Beards and Chains: A Beginner’s Guide

  337. #1: Fall of the Witchlocks by Johnathan “Gabe” Gabriel and Tycho Erasmus Brahe.

    #2: Failures in Contracts – Case Studies from Professional Wrestling.

  339. Blood Stains No More: John Scalzi’s Comprehensive Guide to Housebreaking your Demon-Mutant Man.

  341. Microsoft Exchange Server 2008 Installation And Administration Guide.

    Speaking as someone who *just* finished setting up a new Exchange Server, it seems eerily appropriate.

  345. Pride and Prejudice and Bondage.

    or perhaps

    How to Win Friends and Influence People; CIA edition.

  347. “RAAARRRGH!!!”

    or:

    “How the Republican Party Sees Itself, 2009”

  353. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Tied up in Chains and Screaming His Head off, but Still Hunting Somehow

    (I think it’s too hot for me to be clever….)

  354. #1: “Legends of the Lost US Presidents of the 19th Century: Grover Cleveland”, by Rrah the Conqueror, Subterranean Overlord Press, Wah-Shing-Ton, 3298 (Year 34 of the Slug Dominion)

    #2: “Guide to Cathedral-Class Weight Lifting”, by Eric the Bulky, Bench Press, Muscle Beach, 1983

  356. Flying rug you should never buy
    or
    Get rich quick- learn how to promote and sell low level strength potion

  359. I think JustaTech’s submissions are awesome. Not sure I can compete with those, but here goes:

    “The Colorado Inquisition” – The stonework in the background looks a little too sleek for pre-industrial construction, yet has obvious medeival Gothic references. So I am thinking this book is about some post-apocalyptic future where a local theocracy is finding and torturing heretics. On the other hand the setting is dark and dank, so I am thinking somewhere with Mountains – hence, Colorado.

    “Rebel and Martyr (Book One of The Bethel Saga)” – Again, with those gothic elements in the background, there has to be an ecclesiastical element to the book, but maybe the guy is an early leader of a rebellion against a theocracy (“Bethel”), and this is the first book of a larger story arc about how he is captured and tortured, but his defiance inspires greater uprisings to be covered in the series’ later books.

  363. Maddening Iron Chains: A Garret PI Novel

    or

    Cry Havoc and Let Loose the Beards of War

  366. Manscaping for Heroes, or How To Maintain That Crisp Loincloth Line While Fettered

  367. Main Title: “Chett: The Distraught Gay Vampire”

    Subtitle: “And the Many Problems which Arise when your BDSM Partner Dies with the Keys just out of Arm’s Reach”

  371. Adventures in Dentistry – Book 2: The Transylvania Years

    or

    Conan and The Hyborian Medical Co-pay.

  378. 01000010 01100001 01100011 01101111 01101110 00100000 01010011 01101100 01100001 01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01000111 01101111 01110010

    (It had to be done. Also, I’ve already pre-ordered it…)

  380. “God Slaves of Rage”

    or

    “Playing the Human Organ: Producing the Best Resonance and Tone”

  385. izanobu@378: Nice Bender impression. Although, When John figures out that is “Bacon Slaves of Gor” (oops did I do that?) he’s gonna hunt you down and beat you to death with a rasher.

  390. Frommer’s Tormentron IV, 5th Edition

    Tonight We Dine In Hell: A Guide to Fine Cannibalistic Dining by Gordon Ramsay

  394. (1) The Final Days of Governor Jesse Ventura

    (2) Breakin’ III: Satanic Boogaloo

  403. I’m technically stealing this from my ten year old brother, but I don’t think he would mind.

    So, without further ado…

    From the mind of John Scalzi… we bring you….

    “Armpits Ahoy!”

  409. “Fiends in Fetters: Tartarus Illustrated Annual Swimsuit Issue”

    (that’s my second entry, which hopefully will give my brain permission to think about something else now.)

  410. He looks like a Bob. He doesn’t look like he’s having a good day. And with Mr Scalzi having enjoyed his sojourn in the YA market, this further exploration into the lucrative thickets of juvenile literacy is entirely understandable.

    Bob’s Bad Day
    Roar, Bob, roar.
    See Bob roar….

  416. by the way, that could only be the cover of a Gor book if, well, there were an underground Gor subculture about which I was previously unaware….

  417. “Uncle John Teaches a Bearded Vampire to Play the Pipe Organ… THE WRONG WAY)”

  423. Wheat-ONNNN!!!!!

    Revenge is a dish best served cold: confessions of an author marooned for all eternity covered in velvet. Buried alive, buried alive. . .

  425. Braveheart II: Tacky Cardio in Space

    Damn the Dark, Damn the Light

    The Juggler’s Dilemma

  427. 1. Masochistic, Dominance-Induced Organsm
    2. The Chains of Men

    Also a request: Can you post a list of the finalists that came close too? Would be nice to know if we were even considered :)

  428. 1) Why Don’t You Ever Replace the Toilet Paper Roll When It Runs Out?

    Subtitled: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????

    2) I Was A Teenaged Mutant Space-Vampire In Chains

  429. Steamhünk: The Genemod Years

    (Sadly, he’s the wrong pigment for Barry Bonds: My Story)

  430. Your Hate Mail Will Be Bent, Folded, Spindled and Mutilated:
    The Second Decade of Whatever, 2009–2019
    Introduction by David Blue

  431. matt wilbert @ 345 “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of proper discipline.”

  432. 1. The Fourth Chain

    2. J. S. Bach oder die Zauberorgel (J. S. Bach or the Magic Organ) – a härd/röck/fäntäsÿ/öpërä –

  436. 1. Tap Dancing Your Way Into Social Exile

    2. Are You There, God? It’s-a Me, Mario.

  438. either:
    “The fate of all who file their teeth into points”
    or
    “Angry Prisoners with Broad Shoulders, Vol III”

  439. The Torturer’s Apprentice – Stories From Dick Cheney’s Vault

    or

    Anger Management for Dummies

  443. Metropolis II: The Maschinenmenschen Strike Back – A Novelization

    or

    Projecting: Glenn Beck’s Predictions for America’s Future

  446. “Ladies Night at the Rock Hard Strip Club” by John Scalzi (of course)

  448. Auntie Maud’s Ettiquette Guide For Refined Young Ladies and Gentlemen (…of Gor)

  449. Atlas Clenched

    (for dishonorable mention, for the back cover:
    “I wanted to die in my sleep, like the late High Priest, not chained to the organ and screaming, like our God.”)

  450. Would it be excessively cruel to leave a computer logged in to this thread sitting at Maker Faire in San Mateo all weekend?

    Just think of the chaos that might ensue…

    Bwhahahah

  454. Little Ms Snuffle-buns very first Lair.

    Part of the Ms Snuffle-buns subjugates candy land series.

  455. Also, the re-release version, “Little Ms Snuffle-buns very first Lair. A Pop Up Book.”

  456. #1 SPOOOOOON! Subtitle: How the Tick became nigh-invulnerable

    #2 The Joy of Transportation Subtitle: Tips and Tricks for using your new Transporter 5000 by Montgomery Scott

  457. The Subterranean Press Guide to Getting and Keeping Hugo Winning Authors

    One Hundred Bar Bets You Should Never Make

  459. Your Hate Mail Will Be Bent, Folded, Spindled, and Mutilated:
    The Second Decade of Whatever 2009–2019
    Introduction by David Blue

  460. Sorry that last one was submitted twice, for some reason I couldn’t find it this morning until after I reposted it.

  466. Enough camp already. Well maybe one more…Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay – Novelization by Sharon Green

    How about a REAL book?
    Narcissus in Chains by Laurell K. Hamilton

  468. “Your Troubled Child & The Gorian Military Acadamy – A Parent’s Guide”

  469. 1) “The Devil’s Tangent”

    The thing does indeed look like a pipe organ. My first thought was “Satan’s Organ”, and immediately after that thought, I chuckled while my brain played “bow chicka bow wow”. “organist” is the guy who plays the organ, and organist doesn’t have any double-entendres to worry about. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound quite as cool. So then I thought “keyboard”, but that’s got too many modern connotations of computer keyboard. So a trip to the thesaurus for keyboard finds that it is “key” as in musical key plus “board” as in a 2×4 piece of wood describing the keys laid out flat. The etymology of “key” in various other languages includes “tangent” in danish, swedish, and norwegian. THe swedish word for “keyboard” is “tangentbord”. But tangentbord has a few too many syllables again. But then “tangent” is something that english speaking people have heard of, and will assume they know the meaning of (going off on a tangent). But then as they read it, there’s this “as you know, Bob” dialogue between two characters that explains the etymology of “keyboard” and eventually the reader gets that “The Devil’s Tangent” is talking about the keys on the Devil’s pipe organ.

    I’ll ponder it a bit more and see if I can come up with a second entry.

  470. 2) The Devil’s Sacrifice

    The dust cover reads something like this:

    God sacrificed his son to save the world.
    The devil sacrificed (name) to destroy it.

  475. “The Three Black Spines of Vengeance”

    um….

    “Kringor, Warrior Slave”

    Dunno who Kringor is, but he looks mean.

    Thanks, John!

    Lou

  478. The Judgement of Prometheus
    classical allusion, obligatory reference to bringer of fire (technology), use of two cliches in four words.

  479. Reminds me of some of the artwork by Mark Rogers for his Zorachus novels. I’ll call it “Tchernobog’s Prison”.

  484. This is a book cover? Are you sure it’s not the cover of a new ‘Judas Priest’ album?

  486. “5. Per points 3 and 4 above, if you type in “Bacon Slaves of Gor,” or some such, we will have you killed.”

    Gor-slaves of Bacon.

    Neener, neener, neeeeeeeeener!

  488. “Chains in Heat — Rise of the Mechanical Descendants of Linda Blair”

    “Terminal Smackdown– World Wrestling Universe Champion John Connor”

  492. I know I’ve exceeded my limit and these won’t count, but this is just too much fun…

    1. Behind the Mirrored Glass: I’ve Got Your “Fairest Of Them All” Right Here, Lady

    2. Too Much Concept: Lighting Techniques for Experimental Theater

    3. Mad Max: The Disco Years

  493. A Hissy Fit to End the World – book two of The Tantrum Master series.

  495. Herr Doktor JS Bach und die barberisch Conan by Robert Ludwig Steffansohn

  497. #1. Requiem for Steel

    #2. Storming the Iron Skies

    Add a star-shaped text bubble on the cover, “Now a major motion picture, starring Patrick Swayze and Bruce Willis!” (the 1987 version of these actors.)

  499. Strapped In:
    The Projectile Benefits of an Ultra High Fibre Diet.

  502. 1. How I Almost Nouveau Baroque Free: A Gladiator’s Love of 17th Century Art and Architecture . . . IN THE FUTURE!!!

    2. He Wasn’t Glade He Ate Her: 101 Jokes from a Pit Fighter Turned Stand Up Comedian

  506. Guantanamo of the Gods or How Dick Cheney Subverted the Natural Order of the Universe

  510. The Elements of Free-Fall Trampolining Style by P. J. Plauger.

  511. The Diet of Worms II: Luther’s Wrath

    Andrew Sullivan: A Blogger’s Life

  512. Darkrage: Shadowlands of the Vikal Empire

    Darkrage of course being the series title assuming this book is the cover for a series.

    Otherwise you could just split them up and use either Darkrage or Shadowlands of the Vikal Empire as a standalone title.

  513. Wrath of the Waxed (a PG Porn movie novelization by John Scalvi)

    or

    Where Are They Now: After the Virus – Bear McCreary’s Story

  516. Real book: “Dweller in the Mirage”, A. E. Merritt.
    Fake book: “I Only Kissed Her”, The Corpse in Scalzi’s Yard.

  517. Yet another disqualified entry but what the heck:

    And 0.967117988395% of His Fans Will Think His Name is ‘Scalvi’

  520. How to Win Friends and Influence People:
    A Guide to International Relations

    By: George W. Bush
    (Foreword and Edited by Dick Chenney)

  521. I’m just amazed that Bill and John will have the time to wade through all of these, ’cause I don’t…

    That said, I’m thinking A Rough Guide to S&M. Although a Find tells me I’m not the first to think of the “Rough Guide” angle.

  525. #1: My Life in the Shadows: A Memoir by Boo Radley

    #2: The Case of the Grumpy Man in the Basement: A Nancy Drew Adventure

  529. The Poor Man’s Gastric Bypass: Hypothetical Methodology and Implementation of a Low-cost Alternative to Surgery

  530. Uwe Boll’s Nancy Drew, novelization by Robert Charles Wilson

    Who Moved My Cheese, revised and expanded 3rd edition

  531. I am SO disqualified.

    ‘God’s Little Organ-Equipped Circle of Hell Roughly an Acre in Size.’

    and, simply,

    ‘Up’

  532. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagghhhhhkk
    ‘All Your Triply-Chained Demons of Gor Are Belong To Us’

  538. Red Green Blue (Marble): An environmentalist’s guide to using Hellfire.

    or

    Sweeney Todd’s Apprentice/Model

  539. Okay, technically, this is #3, but I had to bring the old Lit major mojo to the table.

    “Do not go gentle in that good night” and other select works by Dylan Thomas. A special limited edition by Subterranean Press. (Rage, rage against the dying of the light!)

  540. ragnarok creation. debated on adding a the.
    debated on posting (i’m more of a lurker).
    saw the number of entries, nearly ran away. then started reading the entries, and my eyes glazed over at i forget what number. good luck dealing with the massive results of your prompting

  542. John I hope you have a week free to read all these!
    Or maybe you could add all of these to the extended ‘editors choice’ version of “The God Engines” – in really small print at the back… then we all win… and buy the special edition book to boot!

  543. George, did you ever hear the one about the nurse that wakes the patient up so that he can take his sleeping pill?

  544. Dante’s 10th Circle: Legally Blond Marathon… Forever!

    or

    Ethical Dilemmas for Amateur Dentists by Charles Manson DDS

  546. “Legend of Zelda: A screenplay by John Scalzi written for director Uwe Boll”

  547. I’ve exceeded my limit too but….

    Christian Bale’s Anger Management Course

  550. for what it’s worth;

    “Primal Rage Therapy… and what it can do for you.”

    “Hell Hath no Fury like a Drag Queen Scorned.”

  551. ” A guide to Punishment for those who mention GOR and Bacon in the same sentence”

  562. But that’s the Old One from Garth Nix’s Grim Tuesday, of course, right before the automatons blind him.

  564. Bodice, Ripper of Gore

    (he’s Italian like Scalzi, so it’s pronounced bō / ‘dēch / ā)

  565. Guess I should have separated those more with another line. They’re two titles, in case that wasn’t clear.

  570. 1) Hel’s Oracle (that’s not a typo, but a reference to the Norse goddess of death)
    2) The Ninth Circle

    Thanks for the preview of the cover, and the chance to win. The cover art is amazing and I can hardly wait to read the book!

  577. 1. Dammit, Woman, Uncuff Me!

    2. I Am Shatner: KHAAAAAAAAAN!!

    If not for Rule #4, I must confess that I would have submitted

    Bacon Explosion: The Exit

  579. Völundarkvitha Revisited: Wayland in Chains

    or, somewhat less pretentiously:

    It Might Look a Bit Messy Now: The Complete Guide to the Works of Bergholt Stuttley Johnson

  587. The History Channel Presents: Medieval Punishment for Improper Dental Hygiene

    OR

    Gothic Home Improvement: Room Ideas and More

  589. this looked like an auction offering to me. The Lions head (hey that’s what I see) above could be the auctioneer.
    Instead of white slavers we have Feline space slavers.

    1) Offered with No Reserve: Angry Human Male
    or…
    I also got the angrier he became the more chained he was by his own fury. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry…

    2) Primal Rage: Chains of your own making.

  591. Rage Against the Moustache Farms

    or

    Handlebar Moustaches, Shaved Heads, Mountainman Beards and Bodywaxing: A man’s guide to the hirsute persuits.

  595. Entries:

    1. Denial of Faith

    2. The Gate to Vision

    Question:

    Will the winner be posted here or in a different thread?

  598. There Will Be War

    (at the risk of getting killed, I almost put in “There Will Be War Due to a Lack of Bacon”)

  601. Hey Ya’ll, Watch This: Hillbilly Practical Jokes Gone Wrong, Vol 3

    Sense & Sensibility: Darcy’s Revenge

  602. I was thinking pipe organ also so

    Hymnal
    (The prequel to Wizard of Oz)

    At What Price
    (The evolution of exercise machines in post apocalyptic America)

  606. I was thinking: “Brain Salad Surgery II” but that’s more an album title.

    how about: Calliope’s Prisoner

  607. Who Moved My Cheese?, 2018 edition.

    A masters in business administration will be a very, very different degree then….

  608. 1) Minimum Wage, Maximum Rage: My Life as Scalzi’s Ghost-Writer

    2) Big Pharma’s Pictorial Guide to Research Volunteers

  609. 1) Chained to My Organ And Other Demonic Marital Euphamisms

    2) Hell Organ: The Demon Member

  612. Coping Strategies for Childbirth: Revenge Fantasies

    or

    Free your subconscious: The Power of the Id

  613. 1) None Shall Abide

    2) And a Thousand Thousand Shiny Things Lived On, And So Did I.

  615. I thought I would sneak in just under the wire. I’ve actually thought about this for a few days. Ignoring the storyline for the actual cover, you are still left with a few obvious things to incorporate into the title for this competition. The pipe organ is a dead give away. Many factors involved here, religion, music, the pipes rising toward heaven etc…

    The chains. Interesting spacing of 10 of the little “CD” things between each anchor point. It makes me wonder if there is not another set behind him, anchoring his legs.

    Is he on some type of sled, moving towards his fate, or destiny. Is he leaving the protection of the pipe organ / church. Enraged by the wrongness of his situation, is he crying out in despair?

    I don’t know. That is why it is cover art. There are lots of ways to interpret it. As such, I submit the following two titles.

    A King Denied

    The Last Test

WHATEVER


Taunting the tauntable since 1998
John Scalzi, proprietor – JS
Athena Scalzi, editor – AMS
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