The God Engines ARC Contest

First off, let me just say that you are not prepared for the staggering 1970s fantasy art Gor-gasm you’re about to have looking at the cover to my upcoming novella The God Engines. So take a moment to prepare.

Ready? Here you go:

See? Told you. The artwork is from Tomislav Tikulin, who has clearly studied up on his John Norman.

And you ask: does this cover match what’s between the covers? The answer: This is in fact a reasonably accurate representation of a character in the story. Hey, when I told you guys this novella was unlike anything else I’d ever written, I wasn’t kidding. Truth in advertising, folks. Now, you’ll have to read it to find out who this character is, why he’s in chains, and why he’s so damn angry. You may be pleasantly surprised!

And if you would like to read it — early, before everyone else reads it in December — here’s your chance: Subterranean Press is running a contest, the winner of which will be sent an ARC of The God Engines, which are slated to arrive at the SubPress HQ in the next couple of weeks. When they get it, they’ll ship one off to you. All you have to do is come up with the winning answer to this question:

If this was not the cover to The God Engines, what would be the title of the book it was the cover to?

Which is to say: imagine a different book that this would be the appropriate artwork for, and think of the title. You will be graded on cleverness, quite obviously.


1. Post your titles in the comment thread to this entry. All entries must be in by 11:59pm Eastern, Tuesday, June 2nd.

2. No more than two titles per entrant.

3. Using “of Gor” in your title is probably not as clever as you think it is, since we already went there.

4. Titles with the word “bacon” in them are also not nearly as clever as you think, and will be disqualified. Come on, people, get over it.

5. Per points 3 and 4 above, if you type in “Bacon Slaves of Gor,” or some such, we will have you killed.

6. Bill Schafer and I are final arbiters of who wins.

There it is. Think of something good, or we’ll let this guy out of his chains to come after you. Trust me, you won’t like that.

So: Book titles! What have you got for us?

620 Comments on “The God Engines ARC Contest”

  1. Jeanne – I'm a reader, a writer, a mother, a wife, an ailurophile, a Writing Center Director, and a PhD in English Literature (specializing in Rhetoric and Composition and literature of the Eighteenth Century).

    Atlas in Chains

  2. Hmm. Tuscany Love Poems.

    Obama and America’s Socialist Democrats: Their Plan to Feed Aborted Fetuses to Gay WWE Wrestlers.

  3. _Prometheus Rebound_

    Alternately… _Santa’s Not Coming To Town This Year ‘Cuz He’s A Little Tied Up And Boy, Is He Pissed_

  4. – The Pillow Fight at Ragnarok

    – Zen and The Art of HR Geiger

  5. dyvisions – 48F, married, resident of Marietta, GA, and have two adult offspring. Graduated cum laude from SCAD with a degree in interior design, minoring in art history. Witch since 19 yrs of age. Spent time as a linguist in the USAF. Wrote some 3rd & 4th edition Shadowrun for FASA/Fanpro. Passionate about social justice, biophilia & environmentalism, and (art) history.

    Internet Trolls and the Cephalopods That Love Them

  6. Either, “Ghlaghghee Ghinally Ghinishes Him”,


    “A Positive Self Image — Overcoming Insecurity Without Being a Douchebag”

    That’s all you get on a brain-dead Friday. :)

  7. coo1b1ue – Vermont – I'm a software engineer within the aerospace industry as well as a father of four (mostly) grown children, one of which served in Iraq (OIF2) as a combat medic.

    1) Waging Peace

    2) The Seduction of Hercules

  8. My life as a vampire – The true story of Delilah’s Samson the church doesn’t want you to know.

  9. Dick Cheney: The Untold Origin

    Santa Goth: The Alan Moore Guide to Perverting Your Childhood Icons for Controversy, Fun and Profit

  10. Hmm… If you knew nothing about the book, it might be a great cover for Gene Wolfe’s “Free Live Free”

    But for a contest submission, I’m suggesting “The Monarchy of Chains”

  11. #1: Unix System Administration Handbook (4th Edition)
    #2: Beard Slaves of The Walrus God: Volume 3: Unleashed!

  12. Igor Unbound: Being The True Story Of The Abrupt And Abject Failure Of The Mad Scientist Assistant’s Analyst Told In Eleven And Twenty-Seven Quatrains.

    Damn, I might have to write that!

    Dr. Phil

  13. “What happens when you forget your towel: An addendum to the Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy.”

  14. 2nd entry: “The Obsidian Shackles of the Tower of Midnight”

  15. Conan 47: The Octogenarian Years

    Carnies gone Mad! – Carnival Rides Imagined by the Deranged and Insane.

  16. Patrick Johanneson – Canada, eh – Patrick Johan­neson writes sci­ence fic­tion and fan­tasy, works elbow-deep in WordPress code, teaches judo, and volunteers at a small indie cin­ema. He lives in Man­i­toba with his wife Kathleen.
    Pat J

    Ok, the obvious one first: “What Rough Beast, Its Hour Come Round At Last”



    Maybe “The Men Your Mother Warned You About”

  17. marktis: first thing I thought of. Based on the look, perhaps Genghis rather than Noonien Singh.
    Not really a title, though.

    Maybe Himbos of the Death Sun? Possibly available in variant covers a-la comic books, this being the Bear cover, Twink edition to come later…

  18. “Forgotten Love and other tales of Chain-Lust”

    “Chain Trek – Wrath of the Lost Key”


  19. Mrs Pendergast’s Secret
    Chafe: A Memoir in Three Parts

  20. Seven Habits of Highly Effective Torturers
    … or …
    Old Man’s War

    (Okay, the guy doesn’t look that old, but he does have the “pulp fiction” old man look to him).

  21. “Snow White Revisited: The Magic Mirror’s Revenge”

  22. #1 The Pipe Organs of Hell

    #2 The Spell was for Something Else
    (Grammer and Pronunciation in the Mystical World)

  23. It’s going to be hard to beat Atlas in Chains, but

    1. Galley Slave (see, since it’s an ARC and…oh never mind)
    2. The Ill-Tempered Clavier

  24. “2000: A Year on the Presidential Trail” by Al Gore


    “It’s Man’s Life Editing Science Fiction”

  25. “Khhaaaaaannn!: An actor’s guide to self-restraint”


    “Lucifer’s Kink: Why the fallen angel really fell; A Tell-all”

  26. Anger management: How to contain your rage using only chains and an altar to the dark gods.

    The man who screamed for freedom. And suntan lotion.

  27. “The Complete Guide to J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek by Gene Roddenberry

    (Or should that be ghostwritten by?)

    “The Smart Girl’s Guide to Dating in 2009”

  28. 1.) BDSM 101: A Couples Guide to Spicing It Up in the Bedroom

    2.) The Story of O hhh My God, Why?

  29. The Feral Rage of the Frustrated Pipe Organist


    Sonic the Hedgehog: Dr. Robotnik the Barbarian

  30. #1: Xenu Enchained: Revenge of the Thetans: They’re back, and they are out for blood! A thrilling end to the greatest story of the XXth century.

    #2: Werewolf at the Opera: A consummate tale of raw musical genius.

  31. “The Slave in the Magic Mirror and Me” by the Evil Queen’s Huntsman.


    “How to Inspire Cooperation Utilizing the Organ Compositions of B. S. Johnson” by Havelock Ventinari

  32. Thundaar the Barbarian: THE BOOK!!

  33. Chest Blüdgüd vs. The Chainmasters of Throbb – A Chest Blüdgüd Adventure


    “Less With the Muscles, More With The Phalluses!” – The Struggle Behind H.R. Geiger and Boris Vallejo’s Aborted Conan The Barbarian Movie

  34. Entry One:
    Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: 101 Tasty Ways to Prepare Man-flesh

    Entry Two:
    Chains of Love: A Primer on Anger Management Interventions

  35. dawn – east or west of there – PhD in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication, social media researcher, blogger, amateur photographer

    Self Help book:

    It’s OK to be Angry: What to do when you’ve been shaved, chained, and left in a steel outworld dungeon

  36. Flow My Tears, The Berserker Said.

    As demonstrated by marktis @35, you can never fail with a Phillip K. Dick style title. He has the best titles in all of literature.

  37. Man, This Thing’s Hard to Play!


    Playbill for Rob Zombie: Live at the Mormon Tabernacle

  38. dawn – east or west of there – PhD in rhetoric and scientific and technical communication, social media researcher, blogger, amateur photographer

    2nd entry

    Taming the Beast Within for Dummies

  39. “Do Angry Men Dream of Electric Shavers?”

  40. Captive in the Temple of a Muppet Albert Einstein


    Pentagon Final Report on Conditions at Guantanamo Bay: A Graphic Novel Adaptation for President Bush

  41. All I Said Was, “Stay on the Line, Your Call is Important to Us.”

  42. If you don’t do what we tell you to do, you’ll wind up in the basement with your brother, chained to the ancient alien machine we dug up in south america: a cautionary tale for children.
    (Let’s see them come up with a title for the movie version of THAT book!)

  43. MUST…NOT…SHAVE…OFF…BEARD – The Final Days Before the World Beard and Mustache Championships

  44. “Replacing waterboarding with forced White Castle’s and no restroom access gets USA in trouble with Geneva Convention”

  45. Phantom of the Opera Enslaves a New Friend

    Dick In Chains
    Excerpt: “See Dick, See Dick Scream …”

  46. If You Don’t Do What We Tell You To Do, You’ll Wind Up In The Basement Like Your Brother, Chained To The Ancient Alien Machine We Found In South America: A Cautionary Tale For Children.

    (Let’s see them name the movie after they buy the rights to that book!)

  47. I apologize for the double post. I didn’t think my stupid Blackberry posted it the first time, so I hopped on the laptop.

    Which leads me to the sequel for my previous book:

    See What Happens When You Double Post?

  48. Grrrr, my second entry was so lame, but I just couldn’t figure out how to incorporate the words “Wang Chung” into a second title, no matter how hard I tried.

  49. Gllorfe, Eeeebok, ed. Anger Management for Terrans. 52nd ed. Dorstoc: MacMillan, 2114.


    Brown, R., ed. Effective Comment Moderation. New York: Bedford, 2012.

  50. I dig that his teeth look sharp. I notice those things, because I care. When I saw the cover art though, the first titles that came to my mind immediately, if not prophetically were:

    Furybeard: The Chaining (Book 1 of 3)

    The Roar. Beginnings.

  51. “When Slap and Tickle Is Not Enough: Bondage for Beginners”

    “The Salacious Stars: How the Recession Ruined Space Brothels.”

  52. Joseph’s Time In Prison: The Alternate Story

    (Sorry its bad I know but the cover reminded me of Joseph in prison in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat – so I tried to come up with something that would be the alternate story of what if Joseph went insane or evil during his time in prison)

  53. Ben-Organ by Lew Wallace and John Scalzi


    Slave of the Darfsteller by Walter M. Miller, Jr., and John Scalzi

  54. John P. Murphy – I'm an engineer and writer living in New England. My research background is in robotics and computer security; my writing is primarily science fiction and mystery.
    John Murphy

    Wasn’t this the original cover to Eric S. Raymond’s The Cathedral & the Bazaar: Musings on Linux and Open Source ?

  55. “The Intelligent Homosexual’s Guide to Capitalism and Socialism, with a Key to the Scriptures”, by Tony Kushner.

  56. At the Fountains of Madness: Can’t They See I’m Thirsty? My Mouth is Open and Everything


    Catching Flies When There is No Honey

  57. partlowspool – I'm a writer. I'm also a reader, a mom, a wife, a compulsive collector of recipes, adoring subject of two cats, and I value laughter as the answer to everything. If it's not the answer, I prefer to change the question. Why am I writing a blog? To vent all the miscellaneous and clever stuff that bobs around in my skull. To document my writing adventures. To encourage people to read, to write and to laugh.

    The Heartbreak of Psoriasis


    How to Get the Most From Your Call to Customer Service

  58. Excerpt from Bacon Slaves of Gor by John Scalzi, from notes provided by John Norman:

    Prince Keldnar grasped the long, hard handle of his iron skillet, black with the grease of ten-thousand breakfasts, and gave the pan a quick, brief shake and was rewarded by a sizzling sigh. “The bacon at first may rebel and try to curl up, but a firm hand with the spatula will soon bend it to your will,” he said, slowly and forcefully pressing down upon a recalcitrant rasher. “It is the natural place of bacon in the scheme of breakfast to lie flat for its master and crisp evenly. It will learn this in time and will come to enjoy the sensations.” He flicked another rasher with the tip of his spatula and watched it shudder as the glistening grease spattered upon him with a violent hiss. His expression never changed as he licked the grease from his leather glove and slammed the spatula down upon the pan with a resounding crash.

  59. Growing Up Merciless: Ming, The Early Years


    Swelling Organ: Wurlitzer and Hammond’s Secret War (as originally published in McSweeney’s Quarterly)

  60. Mensley@222, wow, maybe you should actually flesh that one out. If I were so inclined to be in such a state of mind at the moment, I’d have found that rather titillating. Of course, now you won’t have the chance to flesh this one out since John is probably on his way to your location with an armload of rasher to kill you, ala “Leonard Part 6.

  61. 223, #2: Brilliant. I wondered what that paperboy did after he grew up.

    Not an entry, but “Mooooooooooog!”

  62. Second Entry:

    Do Humans Scream: Top Tolimanian Scientists Debate Controversial New Theory that Vocalizations of our Popular Delicacy May Indicate Intelligence (Variant Cover)

  63. 1) A Treatise on The Effects of Late Medieval Gothic Pipe Organ Music On 5th Century Visigoths in Low-G Environments; Or, Why Experiments Created By Graduate Students Really Shouldn’t Include Time Travel.

    2) Rectal Exam: The Musical

  64. Sub press says the limited edition will have a different jacket design than the trade…which edition is this cover, trade or limited?

  65. 1) Rage in Chans – The true story of an enraged submissive.

    2) NOOOOOOO!!!!! The Luke Skywalker story: what really happened after that father-son talk on Cloud City.

  66. Eric Titzer@226: well, since that wasn’t my title contest entry I might be safe, and hopefully John’s too busy reading these great posts and laughing too much to come after me with the Mallet.

    If anyone else wants to expand on what I did, feel free. I’ve only a limited tolerance for Gorean prose and only did enough to get the joke across :)

  67. writeemup – Vermont – I love words; reading, writing, and experiencing them with my eyes and ears. This is my bookblog, where I share my adventures with the world.

    Some of these are pure gold. I submit:

    The Mallet of Loving Correction


    Everything You Wanted To Know About Enslaving Your Enemies But Were Afraid To Ask

  68. Erik Peterson – Fort Collins – I make brains in bits, tested BOLDly*. * Apologies, a BOLD pun was needed. Really.

    Id alone: A novel of consequences.

  69. Thor Hungstud and the Erotic Misadventures In The Bisexual Bondage Caverns of Steel McDeath

    Old Man’s Gor

    That’s okay, I’ll show myself out.

  70. entry #1: The Scalvi chronicles, part I: Escape from the Chains.

    entry #2: The Pipe Organ of Pain and the Singing Slave (cd of greatest hits included!)

  71. Erik Peterson – Fort Collins – I make brains in bits, tested BOLDly*. * Apologies, a BOLD pun was needed. Really.

    Suddenly waking, in unusual places:
    a collection of short stories.

  72. #1: Satan’s Hemmorhoids

    #2: Isometrics for Demons

    #3: The Chains of Madness

    #4: The Compleat Guide to Chairing an SF Convention – Abridged

  73. joemullins – Scottsdale AZ – All purpose techno-dork. Currently flailing away at data viz and analytics. Your haircut is very flattering.

    “The Unbearable Tone” – An indepth expose into the use of gothic pipe organs as a torture device in interrogations of Al Qaeda operatives.

  74. syampannala – Heard about because it had a huge outage. Am here to check out what this site is about. BTW, have your heard about this blogging? Sounds like something to do with plumbing.

    Diaper Rash

  75. Can I use this art for my autobiography?
    “Dave SMASH!” is the title I had planned on using for that, so I suppose that is my second entry.

  76. WWE 2009 Contestant Listing Directory

  77. #279 – Given the expression on the guy’s face, I think it’s more like _Britain Actually Doesn’t Have That Much Talent After All_.

  78. “Anger Management 2: Satan’s Revenge”


    “Anger Management 2: Pipe Down!”

  79. Adventures in Home Cooking Vol. 1: What to do with people who cause your soufflé to fall and other exciting anecdotes..

  80. The Sin-dicated TV Chronicles, Volume 3: The Taming of Doctor Phil.


    101 Blacksmithing Projects For The Serious Hobbyist.

  81. Mine was similar to Persia’s but, what the hell.

    My first thought was

    Loving Correction

    Second thought was

    They came for the bearded

  82. Well, this book is obviously part of a series… you know, Slave of WrathNor (this book), then Serpent of WrathNor, Ice Queen of WrathNor, etc., and then of course King of WrathNor, featuring that fellow you see in chains there on the Slave of WrathNor cover, only the King of Wrathnor cover shows him with weapons and a crown and big spikes on his shoulders to match the decor.

    Hopefully it’s better than that Piers Anthony ‘this man’s life’ series though – I expect it to avoid the politics and have more blood and guts and naked people, which is for the best, really.

  83. @52 twarin. “Unix System Administration Handbook (4th Edition)” is my favorite, so far.
    2 more suggestions:

    1 Practical Physical Chemistry

    2 How to Deal Constructively with Your health Insurer

  84. 1. Lopsided Cats Dungeon of Pleasure & 24 Hour Catnip Bazaar

    2. The Mid-west Girls Guide to Selecting and Keeping the Perfect Mate 5th Edition (Revised)

  85. #1: Beauty and the Beast 3: the de-Beastifying Continues

    #2: It’s just the German cover for Agent to the Stars

  86. Ack, I didn’t read the rulez carefully enough. Can we ditch the “Mandroids” entry, and use the other two?? Oh, woe is me!

  87. Paul Barnes – A Catholic convert with a love for history, philosophy, politics, theology and owner of a literary harem. If only he had the writing output of G.K. Chesterton instead of his girth...
    Paul Barnes

    “For whom the chains hold”

    “Beardo, Accounting Extraordinaire!”

  88. Wait, can I correct my entry? ‘Cuz it really should be: “I know why the caged bird screams

  89. –A Slave to the Music

    (the object in the back reminds me of a pipe organ)

    –Sacrifice and Betrayal

    (I don’t think he’s there willingly)

  90. You’re Not Fooling Anyone When You Pretend You Photoshop the Covers for Your Books.

    John Scalzi on the Internets

  91. Ellie Story – Voracious reader of books. Food lover. Great lover of photography and pretty shiny things.

    The quintessential guide to getting your boyfriend to watch a chick flick.

  92. Since I don’t have a chance in hell at winning an ARC, I submit:

    Revenge of the Bacon Explosion


    Why Does Hell Have No Toliets?

  93. Okay I know these two don’t count but this is just too much fun:

    Anakin Skywalker: What REALLY Happened


    Maybe You Should De-Install Vista and Go Back to XP?

  94. “Chaining Your Inner Patriarch: A Feminist’s Guide to Altering the Dominate Paradigm Through BDSM”


    “Check your Demons at the Door, or Why You Shouldn’t Steal Demon-Summoning Books”

  95. 1.) Scenes of Destruction: How Gay Marriage Caused My Divorce and Turned Me into a Masochist Queen

    2.) Loinclothes, Beards and Chains: A Beginner’s Guide

  96. #1: Fall of the Witchlocks by Johnathan “Gabe” Gabriel and Tycho Erasmus Brahe.

    #2: Failures in Contracts – Case Studies from Professional Wrestling.

  97. Microsoft Exchange Server 2008 Installation And Administration Guide.

    Speaking as someone who *just* finished setting up a new Exchange Server, it seems eerily appropriate.

  98. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter Tied up in Chains and Screaming His Head off, but Still Hunting Somehow

    (I think it’s too hot for me to be clever….)

  99. #1: “Legends of the Lost US Presidents of the 19th Century: Grover Cleveland”, by Rrah the Conqueror, Subterranean Overlord Press, Wah-Shing-Ton, 3298 (Year 34 of the Slug Dominion)

    #2: “Guide to Cathedral-Class Weight Lifting”, by Eric the Bulky, Bench Press, Muscle Beach, 1983

  100. Flying rug you should never buy
    Get rich quick- learn how to promote and sell low level strength potion

  101. “The League of Extraordinary Herculean Gentlemen”, or

    “Gothra in Chains.”

  102. ozarkwriter – I am a retired city dweller who bought a hobby farm years ago who enjoys the quiet and charm of rural living. I write a blog because it is way for my to express myself to someone other than my partner and cats. My interests are science fiction, travel, pop culture and technology. I am a proud geek and believe in live and let live.
    Stephanie Young

    How about – “Chained Reaction”

  103. I think JustaTech’s submissions are awesome. Not sure I can compete with those, but here goes:

    “The Colorado Inquisition” – The stonework in the background looks a little too sleek for pre-industrial construction, yet has obvious medeival Gothic references. So I am thinking this book is about some post-apocalyptic future where a local theocracy is finding and torturing heretics. On the other hand the setting is dark and dank, so I am thinking somewhere with Mountains – hence, Colorado.

    “Rebel and Martyr (Book One of The Bethel Saga)” – Again, with those gothic elements in the background, there has to be an ecclesiastical element to the book, but maybe the guy is an early leader of a rebellion against a theocracy (“Bethel”), and this is the first book of a larger story arc about how he is captured and tortured, but his defiance inspires greater uprisings to be covered in the series’ later books.

  104. Main Title: “Chett: The Distraught Gay Vampire”

    Subtitle: “And the Many Problems which Arise when your BDSM Partner Dies with the Keys just out of Arm’s Reach”

  105. valyadl – Chicago – Valya Dudycz Lupescu has been making magic with food and words for more than 20 years, incorporating folklore from her Ukrainian heritage with practices that honor the Earth. She’s a writer, content developer, instructor, and mother of three teenagers. Valya is the author of The Silence of Trees and the founding editor of Conclave: A Journal of Character. Along with Stephen H. Segal, she is the co-author of Geek Parenting: What Joffrey, Jor-El, Maleficent, and the McFlys Teach Us about Raising a Family (Quirk Books) and co-founder of the Wyrd Words storytelling laboratory. Valya earned her MFA in Writing from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, and her poetry and prose have been published in anthologies and magazines that include, The Year's Best Dark Fantasy & Horror, Kenyon Review, Culture, Gargoyle Magazine, Gone Lawn, Strange Horizons, Mythic Delirium. You can find her at and on Twitter @valya.

    Cassius From Bondage

  106. Dr. Dictionary’s Johnson; or, The Triumph of Experience Over Hope

  107. 01000010 01100001 01100011 01101111 01101110 00100000 01010011 01101100 01100001 01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01000111 01101111 01110010

    (It had to be done. Also, I’ve already pre-ordered it…)

  108. Samson and the No-good, Horrible, Very Bad Haircut

  109. “God Slaves of Rage”


    “Playing the Human Organ: Producing the Best Resonance and Tone”

  110. izanobu@378: Nice Bender impression. Although, When John figures out that is “Bacon Slaves of Gor” (oops did I do that?) he’s gonna hunt you down and beat you to death with a rasher.

  111. valyadl – Chicago – Valya Dudycz Lupescu has been making magic with food and words for more than 20 years, incorporating folklore from her Ukrainian heritage with practices that honor the Earth. She’s a writer, content developer, instructor, and mother of three teenagers. Valya is the author of The Silence of Trees and the founding editor of Conclave: A Journal of Character. Along with Stephen H. Segal, she is the co-author of Geek Parenting: What Joffrey, Jor-El, Maleficent, and the McFlys Teach Us about Raising a Family (Quirk Books) and co-founder of the Wyrd Words storytelling laboratory. Valya earned her MFA in Writing from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, and her poetry and prose have been published in anthologies and magazines that include, The Year's Best Dark Fantasy & Horror, Kenyon Review, Culture, Gargoyle Magazine, Gone Lawn, Strange Horizons, Mythic Delirium. You can find her at and on Twitter @valya.

    Safe, Sane, and Consensual: The Corruption of Mr. Clean

  112. Frommer’s Tormentron IV, 5th Edition

    Tonight We Dine In Hell: A Guide to Fine Cannibalistic Dining by Gordon Ramsay

  113. I’m technically stealing this from my ten year old brother, but I don’t think he would mind.

    So, without further ado…

    From the mind of John Scalzi… we bring you….

    “Armpits Ahoy!”

  114. ruzkin – I was born in Hong Kong in '85 and knew by the age of six that I wanted to be a writer. People spent the next fifteen years telling me it was impossible. Fifteen years too late, I've told them to shove it. I live in Melbourne, study Industrial Design, work in a bookshop and write every day. One day I'll crack the market. You're welcome to wait and watch for as many years as that takes.

    “Four AM, San Francisco”.

  115. “Fiends in Fetters: Tartarus Illustrated Annual Swimsuit Issue”

    (that’s my second entry, which hopefully will give my brain permission to think about something else now.)

  116. He looks like a Bob. He doesn’t look like he’s having a good day. And with Mr Scalzi having enjoyed his sojourn in the YA market, this further exploration into the lucrative thickets of juvenile literacy is entirely understandable.

    Bob’s Bad Day
    Roar, Bob, roar.
    See Bob roar….

  117. by the way, that could only be the cover of a Gor book if, well, there were an underground Gor subculture about which I was previously unaware….

  118. Wheat-ONNNN!!!!!

    Revenge is a dish best served cold: confessions of an author marooned for all eternity covered in velvet. Buried alive, buried alive. . .

  119. Jim Cramer’s Guide to the Economic Downturn; or, Insanely Mad Money

  120. 1. Masochistic, Dominance-Induced Organsm
    2. The Chains of Men

    Also a request: Can you post a list of the finalists that came close too? Would be nice to know if we were even considered :)

  121. 1) Why Don’t You Ever Replace the Toilet Paper Roll When It Runs Out?


    2) I Was A Teenaged Mutant Space-Vampire In Chains

  122. Your Hate Mail Will Be Bent, Folded, Spindled and Mutilated:
    The Second Decade of Whatever, 2009–2019
    Introduction by David Blue

  123. matt wilbert @ 345 “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of proper discipline.”

  124. 1. The Fourth Chain

    2. J. S. Bach oder die Zauberorgel (J. S. Bach or the Magic Organ) – a härd/röck/fäntäsÿ/öpërä –

  125. paranoyd – I am a father, an aspiring writer, and avid gamer. I am also into horror and scifi. I'm currently the Adventure league Local Coordinator for my area, and I'm really into the new FFG Star Wars RPG system. And I love a good curry.
    Corby Kennard

    Revolt on the Machine Planet


    In the Chains of the Robot Masters

  126. either:
    “The fate of all who file their teeth into points”
    “Angry Prisoners with Broad Shoulders, Vol III”

  127. Metropolis II: The Maschinenmenschen Strike Back – A Novelization


    Projecting: Glenn Beck’s Predictions for America’s Future

  128. Atlas Clenched

    (for dishonorable mention, for the back cover:
    “I wanted to die in my sleep, like the late High Priest, not chained to the organ and screaming, like our God.”)

  129. Would it be excessively cruel to leave a computer logged in to this thread sitting at Maker Faire in San Mateo all weekend?

    Just think of the chaos that might ensue…


  130. #1 SPOOOOOON! Subtitle: How the Tick became nigh-invulnerable

    #2 The Joy of Transportation Subtitle: Tips and Tricks for using your new Transporter 5000 by Montgomery Scott

  131. Your Hate Mail Will Be Bent, Folded, Spindled, and Mutilated:
    The Second Decade of Whatever 2009–2019
    Introduction by David Blue

  132. Sorry that last one was submitted twice, for some reason I couldn’t find it this morning until after I reposted it.

  133. Enough camp already. Well maybe one more…Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay – Novelization by Sharon Green

    How about a REAL book?
    Narcissus in Chains by Laurell K. Hamilton

  134. 1) “The Devil’s Tangent”

    The thing does indeed look like a pipe organ. My first thought was “Satan’s Organ”, and immediately after that thought, I chuckled while my brain played “bow chicka bow wow”. “organist” is the guy who plays the organ, and organist doesn’t have any double-entendres to worry about. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound quite as cool. So then I thought “keyboard”, but that’s got too many modern connotations of computer keyboard. So a trip to the thesaurus for keyboard finds that it is “key” as in musical key plus “board” as in a 2×4 piece of wood describing the keys laid out flat. The etymology of “key” in various other languages includes “tangent” in danish, swedish, and norwegian. THe swedish word for “keyboard” is “tangentbord”. But tangentbord has a few too many syllables again. But then “tangent” is something that english speaking people have heard of, and will assume they know the meaning of (going off on a tangent). But then as they read it, there’s this “as you know, Bob” dialogue between two characters that explains the etymology of “keyboard” and eventually the reader gets that “The Devil’s Tangent” is talking about the keys on the Devil’s pipe organ.

    I’ll ponder it a bit more and see if I can come up with a second entry.

  135. 2) The Devil’s Sacrifice

    The dust cover reads something like this:

    God sacrificed his son to save the world.
    The devil sacrificed (name) to destroy it.

  136. “The Three Black Spines of Vengeance”


    “Kringor, Warrior Slave”

    Dunno who Kringor is, but he looks mean.

    Thanks, John!


  137. The Judgement of Prometheus
    classical allusion, obligatory reference to bringer of fire (technology), use of two cliches in four words.