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Incidentally

I’m SUPER far behind on e-mail. Just in case you sent me some recently and am wondering if my not responding means I think you’re the worst person in the world or something. No, I don’t. Unless you are. In which case I do.

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

9 replies on “Incidentally”

How could you think that anyone is the worst person in the world when it’s obvious that the worst person is you, for being so far behind on e-mail? I mean, jeez. I bet Nero would have kept up with HIS e-mail, if he’d had e-mail…

Worst person algorithm for discerning you are the worst person in the world:

Send Scalzi email
Scalzi reads email
Worst person in the world?
Is your name Dick Cheney? Yes -> Worst Person Mod
No -> Is your name Axl Rose Yes ->Worst Person Mod
No -> Did you vote yes on Prop 8 Yes ->Worst Person Mod
No -> Do you eat soy bacon -> Yes Worst Person Mod
No -> Are you Spencer Pratt -> Yes Worst Person Mod
No -> Scazli is behind on his email

Worst Person Mod
Ignore email
Delete person from Contacts Folder
Grade person’s hate mail
Tape bacon to his/her cat
Go kill zombies with Athena
End
End If

[Note: This is pseudocode. Were it real code, I might have written something that, yanno, worked.]

Yeah, it had to be pseudocode. ‘Cause if it were a real programming language, like FORTRAN, the compiler would gently remind you with the Sledgehammer Of Epic FAIL that having an END IF statement without a preceding and properly written IF statement isn’t allowed in Kosher FORTRAN. (grin)

*** FATAL ERROR 0001
END IF
*** FATAL ERROR – ENDIF STATEMENT WITHOUT IF
__ 1 __ Fatal Errors

No code generated.

Compiler runtime 0.006 seconds.

Dr. Phil

I wanted to thank you for Zoe’s Tale, i finished it last week and loved it. I also want to thank you for recommending “One Second After”, I finished it yesterday. Not only is it very good, I think it is an important book.

Thanks again, and keep up the great work.

Gary

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