Slavering Hordes! I Command You to Take This Poll!
Posted on July 22, 2009 Posted by John Scalzi 119 Comments
Inasmuch as it has been variously implied recently that the lot of you are slavering hordes what crouch for employment at my feet, a poll for you, my pretties.
Remember, this is for posterity, so please, be truthful.
Caveat: Depends on the kind of cake.
It’s TASTY cake.
Bonus for the Princess Bride reference.
Sorry. It HAS to be pie. Schadenfreude pie, with bacon on top.
The pie is reserved for top minions.
I cry at the lack of an XKCD reference.
Aw, come on! It’s already got a Shakespeare reference, two Princess Bride references AND a sideswipe at Edward from Twilight. I do have to work in original material, you know.
He called me pretty. (tee hee!) :)
But seriously, if you needed bidding, it could get done. No problem-o. *ESPECIALLY* for The Schadenfreude Pie. Oh, how we would laugh maniacally whilst washing down our Pie with a tall, cold, pale, beverage (milk, that is).
(and definately bonus points for The Princess Bride reference. that film never gets old)
Well fine, then. I’m sure Adam Roberts isn’t so stingy with his pie.
I once wore my Inigo Montoya shirt to work. It’s a great shirt, with a ‘Hello, my name is’ name badge, Inigo Montoya written in the badge, big picture of the guy, then at the bottom “You killed my father, prepare to die!”.
My boss and one other person got the shirt. Really. I was so sad. Some had never heard of The Priness Bride, others had heard of the movie, but thought it was a kid’s movie.
At least I have a cool boss!
BeVibe @ 10: You can’t blame your coworkers. How old were YOU when you first saw the Princess Bride? I think I was 6…it appeals in a huge way to kids.
I’m a programmer, and I made my boss go see Office Space. He didn’t think it was funny.
That, ladies and gentleman, is fear.
You know, I might have done your bidding if I’d known Neil was bidding around on me so much.
i’m with Liz, make it a really amazing baked Cheesecake and I am yours to command.
Hey man, I’m not your monkey. I did yer dang poll, and got bupkus. So, any further bidding requests, you can run ’em thru eBay like the rest of the right-thinking folk around here.
I’d love to, really I would, but I’m already somebody else’s minion.
And, you know, polygaminiony still isn’t legal here.
BeVibe, I have that same shirt. It’s one of my faves.
PB was one of the first dvds I bought. I still get a lot out of it and I haven’t been a kid in years; I watch it whenever I need a pick-me-up. Plus PB introduced me to Mandy Patinkin and I will always love it for that.
I suppose at some point in my life I should pick up the book, right?
btw? which line was a swipe at Edward from Twilight?
Can we get an itemized list of references for the uncultured here?
Taking this survey should not, in anyway, be construed as doing your bidding.
Besides, you need to just go ahead and ask for bidding while wearing glasses, holding a coffee mug, and wearing suspenders with a belt. If you could do that, that’d be great. Yeah.
Oh, and while you’re at it, go ahead and come in on Sunday, too.
The “watching you while you sleep” one is all Edward.
I was hoping for a pony if I served, but none the less, I’m your manservant.
Actually, I think I’ll go and see if Cory Doctorow needs any minions. I hear his pie is open source.
Or maybe Wil Wheaton. I’m sure he lets all of his minions have pie. He’s well-known for not being a dick.
Is it possible that there exist states which are neither a complete independence of mind which takes no account of anything or anyone external to it, nor a slavish adherence to the will and opinions of another?
You can’t possible think that what you write here has no effect on your readers, or that it never has even the slightest influence on their choices. What would be the point of doing something like The Big Idea if you did?
For that matter, are you really saying that no writer that you admire has ever influenced your choices or opinions?
After looking at the results so far I can say, with some authority, that people like Cake, Charlie Stross, and Neil Gaiman.
Doing Scalzi’s bidding? Not so much…
The pie is a lake!
Wait, that’s not right, is it?
Actually, Abagail, what I’m saying here is I’m of the opinion most of the people who read here are a) grown-ups and b) not dickheads.
off topic: speaking of Twilight, if anyone ever wants to see that movie in a watchable context, I highly reccomend the riff trax accompaniment. Somehow, they made that movie entertaining.
I told you my slavering days were behind me. Will you ::sniff:: ever LET ME MOVE ON!!! ::bawwwl::
(Oh, and just for balance, demerits for the PB refs. Tsk. Gawd.)
My husband came home ridiculously late last night. I’m about to leave on a trip so I was kind of stressed and annoyed with him.
He opened the door and held out a styrofoam box. Inside was a delicious moist chocolate cake frosted with raspberry frosting made with real, fresh raspberries.
I think you see where this is going; all was forgiven, and I voted cake.
You get some credit in the bidding department because of your advice at VP last year, but I’m going to have to draw the line at throwing bratwurst at midgets in lederhosen while shouting “Verboten!”
Just so you know.
@Ben is Twilight that bad? I have to admit to thinking about picking up the first book out of curiosity.
Abigail — what you say is true, but it’s not socially acceptable to admit it. Not funny enough, y’see?
Abigail, are you new here or something? I have yet to see a comment thread to any entry this man has ever made where every response was in complete agreement.
Except maybe the ones about bacon. It seems to be a given that bacon is awesome. But, then, bacon would be awesome whether or not Scalzi declared it so.
Actually, Aoede, it’s that the implication that people would abandon their own sense and reason simply because I told them to do something (or even better, hinted that they should) is so idiotically stupid that it shouldn’t be taken seriously. So we’re pointing and laughing instead. Hope that clears it up for you.
I know the movie is so awful it almost wraps around to being great.
I’ve never read the books, except that I popped one open to somewhere in the middle just to get a feel for the writing style, because my girlfriend insists that they’re written well.
I don’t remember the exact line I read, but it was some dialogue including a sentence like
“‘If you say so!’, he murmured.”
I don’t see how it’s possible to murmur in exclamation points. Instant fail.
That being said…
I have read every Dresden Files book out there so far. If I’m being perfectly honest with myself, the content in those books is probably very much the same sort of fantasy fulfillment crap that is in Twilight. It’s just MANLY fantasy fulfillment. Marty Stu as opposed to Mary Sue.
Scalzi – Would you please select either the second or last button for me. I find it appalling that you have attempted to get me to take part in your poll.
Jump for me, entertainment monkey!!!
As someone who actually did your bidding once (you once ordered me to bring you a “refreshing beverage,” which I dutifully did at a book signing you did at an Olsson’s in Washington, DC), I will not do so again without a threat/treat I can really believe in. Cake just won’t cut it.
See, that’s the problem. Doing my bidding is, like, a one time thing.
I don’t understand why holding out for cake is leading the poll. Don’t you people understand that that’s a Portal reference?
Nonsense, Hugh57. I have the cake right here. And it is so delicious and moist.
Care to post a picture of this “cake”?
That’s not the deal. The deal is: Do my bidding, then cake.
Include yourself in the picture and a copy of today’s newspaper, please.
None of this google image search nonesense.
Definitely the last option. I thought the purpose of your existence was to write and entertain me. Dance, monkey, dance.
Well, you’re not the only writer who needs bidding done. As I mentioned above @22, there’s at least one that I know of who isn’t a dick.
He just says he’s not a dick. But once you’re his minion, he stops being nice. With me, at least, you know what you’re getting. Which is: Cake!
And you just say you have cake!
JimF @30, ben @35
My partner, a children’s librarian and one of the most voracious readers on the planet, has not been able to read more than a chapter or so of Twilight. Nor have any of her staff succeeded, in spite of the sense that they really should, if only on professional grounds, so as to understand the needs of the library patrons whose tax dollars pay for their food and shelter habits.
Apparently the writing is so awful that their optic nerves shut down in self-defense after a limited exposure.
I haven’t tried to read them for her. Maybe she’ll offer me cake.
On the other hand, we visited Forks, Washington recently, took pictures of the tacky touristy contrivances that the good folks of that fine town have implemented in order to suck tourist dollars out of the vapid and easily entertained, and congratulated them on how well they were surviving the rotten economy. The patrons of her library think the pictures are really, really kewl.
Just after the victory candescence, of course.
>>>Inasmuch as it has been variously implied recently that the lot of you are slavering hordes what crouch for employment at my feet,
…if it turns out that you *don’t* employ the slavering hordes after all, what does that mean about the unemployment stats? Grossly underestimated?
Maybe you *should* employ the hordes. As, like, a civic duty.
As long as they’re willing to be paid in cake, I don’t have a problem with that, Kerani.
the Princess Bride reference is wrong, though. Its be honest, not be truthful.
NO CAKE FOR MEL.
As someone currently on a diet and dreaming of cakes, I suspect i’d do almost anyone’s bidding for cake.
Especially chocolate cake covered with real Cadbury’s milk chocolate instead of icing.
Dong the bidding of an author whose work I like would just be a bonus ;)
Yeah well, even if you do have cake, it’s very likely mediocre cake.
So…how are we supposed to vote, anyway? I want to get it right, so can you let us know what the Scalzi-approved poll response is?
That does make me wonder how one files income taxes when one’s compensation is strictly pie-based.
You file quarterly.
You just send in a bunch of pie-charts.
It’s tricky to just label something as great or horrible. People’s tastes can change, or at least, get better.
I read the first 6 or so books in the Sword of Truth series before I got the message those books were really selling (and selling HARD).
going back to reread the earlier books, they weren’t at all like I’d remembered them.
Somehow, someone had broken into my room, and replaced all the awesome, cool words in my books with trite, lame ones.
They left in all the sex scenes though. That was kind of them.
Any chance I can get cut up hot dogs with a few slices of American cheese thrown on top and then microwaved to perfection instead of the cake?
I took the poll, but I wasn’t slavering. Does it still count?
Apparently, Scalzi’s blog is popular with cake eaters.
Also, it is possible Scalzi moonlights as GLaDOS.
Boy, I walked right into that one, didn’t I?
If your “pets” are going to have conversations with those who don’t do your bidding, I’ll have to change my vote. I’d rather not be eaten by your bear. And no sane man tries to handle 3 cats alone.
Oh wait, I thought this was the cake auction.
I did your bidding: I took the poll! Where’s my cake?
(…or is a “bid” somehow different from a “command”?)
*waits for other players to bid*
C’mon, John, I’m not going to hold your hand forever!
Oh Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil. /sigh
Wait, Neil’s blog doesn’t have comments. Where the hell am I?
Don’t do it people! Geez, have you all learned nothing? The cake is a lie!!
So, if I do your bidding once, I’m thereafter off the hook?
I’d love to participate in this poll, but there’s no Pulp Fiction Gimp option.
If I don’t like cake can I choose death instead?
#17, go and buy and read the book immediately. This is not negotiable.
One no trumps.
I resent that! I rarely slaver.
But nobody is saying that people would abandon sense and do something just because you said so! The implication was that certain big-name authors exert influence over their fans. I know it’s easier to make fun of something if you make it more extreme, but it’s not honest.
@Aoede: The larger argument aside, isn’t much of humor based on a kernel of truth wrapped in a great slab of hyperbole?
“But nobody is saying that people would abandon sense and do something just because you said so!”
No, they just wring their hands in a worried fashion that my readers would “misinterpret” what I was doing, which, silly me, I read as “your readers are fucking morons who would abandon sense and do something just because you said so.” Which, as noted, I think is stupidly idiotic and thus worth pointing and laughing at.
I rather think that we did your bidding by participating in the poll…now we get cake..
Did someone say cake?
Cake is not optional.
Ouisel: two ♥.
(I assume that my partner passed and so did yours.)
OMG IT’S A BRIDGE GAME EVERYONE RUN
He just says he’s not a dick. Actually, he says ‘Don’t BE a dick.’ Nothing about what he is…….
ben @35–rest assured, not all women go for “Twilight”. I’m female (last time I checked) and I had to force myself through the first book. On the other hand, I love the “Dresden File” novels. What can I say—I don’t like fitting into boxes.
And hey, it’s my birthday tomorrow, so I should be getting cake w/o doing anyone’s bidding but my own! I hereby bid myself to have cake!
Seconding J Elaine @79: Since your bidding was to “take this poll!”, it’s cake time!
Now, now. I never promised cake. You all are merely asking if there’s cake involved. And there may be! You’ll just have to wait and see.
“OMG IT’S A BRIDGE GAME EVERYONE RUN”
What kind of game is it to rubber our noses in it like it’s some sort of grand slam? This kind of trick lacks finesse, you dummy. Yer going down. My efforts shall be redoubled.
Ow, that was pretty bad. Normally, I’d just delete and run, but the point of this topic is to submit, so …
Dude. If you bid Regan to make cake balls for your minions, you will have the world at your hairy little feets!
Card games with compass directions are right out.
I think Ghlaghghee has more slavering hordes than this Scalvi fellow.
I _really_ wanted to vote for “Yeth, mathter!” but that wasn’t an option.
Cake for my birthday? How nice of you, John!
martinl, you’ve clearly got game, but I’ll get the jump on you and splinter your chances. And I’ll do it wearing a major suit, so I won’t contract something from handling you. This will be a big deal; declare yourself now or admit that you’re a void.
*shuffles off, whistling*
It was said earlier in the comments (@70), but apparently,the cake is a lie.
Or it’s a tastykake. Which really won’t feel many of the hoard.
@Xopher and martinl
Hearts I understand, but Bridge is a language I never bothered to learn. I guess you could call that a total eclipse of the hearts . . .
You did NOT just make that pun.
Baked cheesecake and moist chocolate cake. Yum.
Didn’t we have some fun though?
Remember when you criticised the Hugo nominations, and I was like “three stars out of five” and you were like “NOOO WAAAY” and then we all pretended we were going to boycott you?
That was great…
Good times, Dave. Good times.
I admit it, I LOLed.
@88: I TOLD you people the cake answer was a Portal reference!
I’ll happily do bidding in return for a story featuring fluffy warp bunnies.
@97 John Scalzi I did, in spades.
adelheid, only because you’re heartless and insist on joining the club.
OK, no diamond jokes are coming except really lame things about baseball, so I’m going to leave that one just sort of lying there.
No one said there was a pie option for True Fans (ie Top Minions). I could so work my way up to Top Minion for a decent cherry pie. It has to be a real one, though, not one of those grocery store monstrosities.
@Xopher: The diamond mine is all tapped out?
Also, is that the reason you are leaving people out of the club?
Also, I would do much bidding for a rich chocolate cake with raspberry frosting.
I will gladly do bidding for chocolate cake. I will do lesser bidding for brownies, and minor bidding for cookies.
I am flexible.
Man, you’re just lucky that Gaiman & Stross bid me to do your bidding…. what’re the odds…
Before you, before Neil and Charlie, there’s always Fluff Cthulhu – you think I want to be eaten last?
I thought the purpose of your existence was to write and entertain me
This is, of course, entirely correct. Scalzi spends the majority of his waking life – time that he could otherwise be spending worrying about his neck, taking photos, losing thousands at high-stakes baccarat to his daughter or whatever – writing stuff that he hopes will entertain me. This is, in fact, his full-time job. In return, every year or so, if he has been sufficiently entertaining, I fling him a few quid. I think it’s pretty clear who the minion is in this relationship.
If we actually *take* the poll, we are doing your bidding to take the poll, proving that we will do your bidding…
So if we like you but we’re really interested in conquering the universe on our own and having all of the competent minions (mine work for sweetrolls — just ask them), then we shouldn’t take the poll.
Unless we want to disguise our true intention to be the one, true Evil Overlord by convincing others that we are merely minions, in which case we should take the poll. But we shouldn’t ticky the last box because that would give you early warning of our evil plans.
Does that about cover it?
Okay, but there’s still no cake, damnit! Oh sure, you’re all “cake or death” up front, but then when we say, “cake” you say, “well, we’re kinda out of cake, how about chicken” and then we’re all, “no, we wanted cake.”
Well, I only had three bits, and I didn’t expect such a rush.
11. Julia – BeVibe @ 10: You can’t blame your coworkers. How old were YOU when you first saw the Princess Bride? I think I was 6…it appeals in a huge way to kids.
Actually, I turned 21 the fall of 1987. The Princess Bride also appeals in a huge way to incurable romantics, those who like a good comedy, those who like a good action/adventure movie, and those who like a movie about True Love. I would say this movie’s appeal is universal.
2BeVibe: How does The Princess Bride appeal to those who like a good cake? If this thread has taught us anything, it’s that this is an important demographic.
It seems easy enough to me- smart people like 1) cake, 2) the Princess Bride, and 3) the Whatever!
Xopher: I’ll just have to deal because I have to cut out for the weekend and my heart just isn’t in it.
There are now over 700 votes for CAKE! Best get baking, Scalzi!