The Abject Holy Terror Of Night Ranger, or, a Contest
Posted on September 8, 2009 Posted by John Scalzi 80 Comments
The video, I think, explains it all:
For reasons that are simply too terrifying to detail now, except to say DIE BILL SCHAFER DIE, I am cursed to wear this Night Ranger shirt for the rest of the day. The picture below explains how I feel about this:
Nevertheless I must endure.
AND, this does offer me an opportunity to run a contest. If you would also like to illustrate the sort of existential pain I am going through at the moment, here is a green screen version of me terrified in my t-shirt, for your Photoshopping pleasure. Please do what you will to the image, and then link to your versions of me in Night Ranger T-Shirt Hell in the comment thread. I’ll pick the best, and the winner gets a Signed Limited Edition of The Last Colony, direct from Subterranean Press (who has a shipping department, i.e., you don’t have to rely on me to send it, i.e., it will actually get there). The contest runs through 11:59 (Eastern) Thursday evening, and I’ll announce the winner on Friday.
If you want to play but don’t want to use that picture, use any other picture you like, but your final image must include both me and Night Ranger in some way, shape or form. Yeah, the possibilities are endless, and unspeakable.
Good luck, have fun and in the meantime: The horror. THE HORROR.
Is that the official attire of the Night Ranger Legion?
No! Unfortunately I suffer from The Night Ranger effect. Even the mention of the band causes “Sister Christian” to get stuck in my head.
Currently the only known cure is massive amounts of quality music…
Did he use the Dwarven Coke Torture to get you to wear that shirt?
My pre-coffee humor and ‘shop skills leave something to be desired, but I just couldn’t resist.
By the way, you do know that Night Ranger will be opening for Journey for ten shows starting on Sept. 15th?
Got your tickets yet?
Why does seeing that picture set “Communication Breakdown” running through my head?
Yes! Sarawr gets “Touchdown Jesus” into the mix! That image has WIN written all over it.
Man. Maybe it’s just too early in the morning, but I have no idea where to begin on this.
Perhaps inspiration will strike after some chocolate.
I have one that I made using my lack of Photoshop skills. The internet at work is wonky so I may have to wait until I get home.
I apparently mis-interpreted the proposal, but I’ll dump this here anyway.
Bahahaha. Well-played, Newberry — hellishly relevant.
No, I think you got it.
Newberry, I don’t know if that is what John is looking for, but I loved it! I may have to print out a large scale version to put on my office wall. And this is where I admit that it was watching Night Ranger videos that made me realize that A) there was a difference between bass guitars, solo guitars, and rhythm guitars; and B) that the bands were NOT really performing during the videos.
Well, after seeing Newberry’s contribution, I set my Photoshop disc on fire and threw it in my garbage disposal.
In honor of the upcoming Night Ranger/Journey Tour, I offer this.
Finally got mine uploaded. For someone who never used Photoshop before, I don’t think I embarrassed myself.
I put two links up because I don’t think my dot Mac account is working real well today.
Zombies? That’s nothing! http://blog.lib.umn.edu/deg/campfire/images/ScalziNightRanger.jpg
Uh-oh, I think I see more Night Ranger t-shirts (or other appropriate bands like Winger or Great White) in your future. This could be some ploy to build your wardrobe around detached irony.
I also think Newberry should win one internet for the photoshop.
If the writing thing doesn’t pan out, you could always star as a B movie actress.
Then I read the rules.
Well, I’m in.
You know, as long as you have me in the T-shirt, Night Ranger is also in the picture. It’s only when you choose a different picture that you have to make sure both elements are there.
Okay, I’m in.
It is a very clever shirt, actually, building on their genre-breaking early hit with a play on words that demonstrates that they are, indeed, rockin’ America. There is a very Dan Brown-ish artistic method there, building on an extended theme some 25 years later that really makes you wonder what messages they were hiding in their early tunes.
I’m thinking this is only the beginning of a wealth of revelations.
Dammit, Scalzi, I am SUPPOSED to be packing for my move. Not photoshopping you. But how can I resist such a contest! I can not. (And I already have a glorious idea.)
Wow that Night Ranger video was pretty awesome. You CAN still rock in America!
Why was their drummer wearing a dashiki? Why do I know that guitar player is named Brad Gillis?
Scalzi should have to wear Jack Blades’ incredible shoulder pad jacket for a day atop his night ranger shirt. I’m fairly sure it absorbs laser fire.
Thank you for the complements, and while I appreciate the offer of an internet, I already waste enough time on the one I’ve got.
Scalzi’s true terror:
I’m wondering why nobody came rushing into the office to rescue you from the attacking shirt. Were the screams of agony similar to your ‘normal’ working/writing noises?
rough guess: wife at work, daughter in school, cats and dog are desensitized/don’t care.
Also, newberry’s Photoshop skillz are phearsomely leet.
I looked at Newberry’s and I thought “I’m worthy” but entered anyway.
You know I’ve described you as “This generation’s Heinlein”? You know that? I’ve said that to my friends. To my loved ones. To people who care about me, and trust me to guide them through a hostile and uncertain world.
And you pull shit like this.
*pinches bridge of nose and sighs deeply*
What a wonderful way to kill some time:
If it’s in keeping wif the sit-yoo-ation.
I also used to talk to Jeff Watson fairly frequently when he was endorsing a couple products of a company I worked for. Nice guy, and a heckuva guitar player.
Wow. Just Wow.
The horror. The horror.
Possibly not in the best of taste, but I went there:
Scalzi meets my current favorite TV stars in an episode of Not the Venue!
John awakes from the nightmare that Night Ranger forces him into the most evil possible devil’s three-way:
I don’t do photo shop. I have no talent in that department.
Hey, John, that office chair looks just like the one I have! Did you get your at fry’s? My was a birthday gift. Sheer hell getting but I love my chair.
There are so many things wrong with that vid. I don’t even know where to start. I’m so glad I didn’t hit puberty till after the 80’s.
An Extremely Bad Day on Planet Scalzi:
( higher res, but please don’t kill my DSL line everyone: http://www.retro.com/employees/gherbert/AnExtremelyBadDayOnPlanetScalzi_2.png )
OH HAI. I CAN HAZ CONTEST ENTRYS?
He could still use a shirt but I have too much homework.
But at least know we know why that guy was in chains, and what scalzi looks like when his razor breaks :D
Ok, I pretty much suck at photoshop, but here goes:
(We’ll have to pretend the Harmonix people have actually gotten to Night Ranger.)
Oh, the time has come…
Well. This will probably get someone mad at me, but hey.
Wait…added a mike: http://www.burnap.net/Scalzi2.jpg
Wait…. is that drummer wearing a caftan????
Isn’t this about the time the words “ispep teid” starts appearing on the wall in congealing Coke Zero?
With the burning surfboard in the background, makes ya wonder if there is a Beach Boys tie in. :)
(Yes I know what it is. Work with me people.)
Oh my… the shirt seems to be attracting something… aaaiieeeeeee! Run, Scalzi, RUN!!!
Video killed the sci fi star….
Not my best work but I am out of practice (and I tried doing this in GIMP rather than a less legal version of PS).
Damnit, John, I don’t have photoshop on my computer! The Iowa City floods conspired to shut down the library’s media center before I could [steal it] take full advantage of my grad school education…
Newberry’s is pretty awesome, but I gotta love mensley @42’s contribution as well.
What is a “night ranger” anyway, apart from an illegal dual class?
“you don’t have to rely on me to send it, i.e., it will actually get there)”
In Cowardly Lion voice: “ain’t it the truth?”
Of course, I DO wish I had half your life, so I guess I’ll have another slice o’ cheese with my wine.
And just in case the Squirrel Thing hadn’t fully played out yet:
My two tries are here:
#24, Steve wins the contest hands down . . . That’s frisk’n hilarious!
Best I can do: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ammitnox/3904308346/
Okay, MarkHB, Squirrelzi is awesome.
Here’s my entry:
Hope it amuses you all.
Scalzi, you have some of the funniest and talented fans.
There’s only one suitable punishment for wearing a shirt like that.
Is anyone else getting, instead of a shoppable image, a screen requesting that they log in to Yahoo followed by a screen demanding that they create a Flickr account? My willingness to waste time in Photoshop on inanities is being eroded by the inanities encountered en route.
@69, I am also, both from John’s original link and once in a while from other folks links.
RUN JOHN! http://need-ads.com/sarashootsscalzi.jpg
Your link isn’t working.
(Thank you, Pam!) Maybe this URL will work better. http://tinyurl.com/scalzi-evolve or the super-long ugly URL is http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/76pg4wR82ioiAjzo-m6BXw?authkey=Gv1sRgCMmF29aimOqtdg&feat=directlink
Somebody had to go there eventually….
Okay, Scalzi fulfills his purpose as an object lesson to those who are lost and know not which way they are headed:
It truly astounds me that, amidst all the foofooraw, one question has gone unasked:
John, what was the nature of the bet between yourself and Bill Schafer which (presumptively) you lost that required your wearing of the N.R. shirt for a day?
Curious in CA,
John Scalzi and Knight Rider, right?
*writes Ghaki a cheque for One (numerals, 1) Internet*
Once I saw that shirt, all I could think of was the 80’s. Plenty of abject terror there!