I Am A Bastard Who Never Helps Others, Or, A Very Special Pimping Thread
Posted on September 16, 2009 Posted by John Scalzi 228 Comments
In the aftermath of yesterday’s entry, it has been ascertained that in point of fact I am a heartless bastard of a writer, who once he achieved super-ultra-mega-LASER-stardom not only pulled the ladder up from behind him, but then dismantled the ladder and threw the now useless chunks of the ladder at the heads of all those left below, laughing as he did so.
Well, you know. I can’t deny this. I am just that selfish and rotten. I will never help any of you! Ever! Or offer you space on my blog to promote your current works or the works of others, whom you admire and wish to bring attention to! Say, in a comment thread! Like the one beneath this entry! That will never happen! Never, I say! The 40,000 daily readers of the site will not hear of such things! So ha!
And to prove how callous and nasty I am, when I am not offering you that space to promote your works or the works of others in the comment thread below, I want you to complain about how awful I am. So I can snicker evilly about it! Say, something along this line:
John Scalzi, you unspeakably heartless bastard! I simply cannot believe that you will not give me space on your blog to point out that Steven Boyett’s classic fantasy novel Ariel is back in print after more than a decade, and everybody should go out and buy it, because it is just THAT good! Why won’t you let me do that? On your blog? Like this? Right now? I hate you! I hate you forever!
Yes, yes. Comments like that would do just fine, for my nefarious snickering purposes.
So! Start railing against me about all the things I will not let you promote, right here, right now, in the comment thread to this entry! And REMEMBER — if in pointing out the things I won’t let you promote on this site, you link to more than a couple in the same entry, there’s a possibility that the comment might get sent to the moderation queue! In which case I will chortle most grievously at it before releasing it at some reasonably near point in the future! Because I am just that mean.
What? You still haven’t posted? Do I have to taunt you a second time? Go!
Does this mean than you won’t help me load the truck when I move?
Go ahead, follow me on twitter.
My life is SO EXCITING IT MAKES YOUR LIFE LOOK LIKE WATCHING MOLD GROW.
Also, you’ll get babes and/or hunks.
And a pony.
CHRISTOPHER YOU DID NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW MEAN I AM NOT TO LET YOUR PROMOTE YOURSELF LIKE THAT.
Do it again. BETTER THIS TIME.
Scalzi so is no mean, he won’t let me guest tweet on his twitter feed. MEAN SCALZI!!!
Ooh yay, I was hoping for one of these, because my brand-new shiny web game just shipped.
We heard you liked playing games on the web, so we put some games in your web browser so you can play games while you play games.
I have nothing of my own to pimp, WHICH IS ALL SCALZI’S FAULT, THE SNIVELING SELFISH BASTARD. But I would like to pimp the best post-apocalyptic novel I’ve read in some time, that most certainly should have been on the Hugos ballot but was probably kept off by SCALZI THAT IMPUDENT, SIMPERING, NO-TALENT ASS-CLOWN.
Please to enjoy The Gone Away World, by Nick Harkaway. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.
UNLIKE SCALZI, WHO IS AN ASS.
Yes. That’s right. Just like that.
I don’t write fiction, so Scalzi is so mean because I’ve nothing to complain about.
I’ve also to a document I do edit http://store.ihs.com/specsstore/controller?event=LINK_DOCDETAILS&mid=W097&getCurVer=false&docId=HCJAHCAAAAAAAAAA&mid=W097
just so you can not help me with that.
I have single-handedly invented a new genre: SUBURBAN FANTASY. What is suburban fantasy? Why, read a very thrilling excerpt from Subdivisions and Succubi. Why do I have to tell all of you this directly in the comment thread? Because John Scalzi wouldn’t read it! He refused to comment on it in forty-page detail with footnotes and also the address of his agent and the name of his agent’s dog which I assuredly would not hold for ransom until his agent agreed to represent me.
You know what this is? This is John Scalzi keeping me down. Even worse, this is John Scalzi keeping literature down. Here is an entirely new and not at all derivative subgenre of fantasy that he is single-handedly bludgeoning like he does the baby seals he keeps behind his house for when he’s feeling stressed.
By the way that document and it’s companion document CEA-608-E won a technical Emmy (R) in 2005, so we don’t need your help.
John Scalzi is such a bastard because he ran my big idea and then later, get this, he actually pimped a reading I was doing.
How do you like that?
I hope his cats eat him and he reenters the world as bits of hairballs staining his carpet and/or portions of poo stinking up the litter box. I feel sorry for his lovely wife who would have to clean the carpet and scoop the poop. But most of all, I feel sorry for her having to put up with such a selfish bastard for the time being.
Well, it’s obvious that you hate small press authors, and so would have no interest in helping fantasy author Kevin Radthorne with his delightful The Tales of Tonogato series or fantasy author Gary Wassner with his epic GemQuest series (complete with awesome cover art on both.) And it’s obvious that you HATE Canadian authors like Caitlin Sweet (A Telling of Stars, The Silences of Home,) and British authors like James Barclay (the Raven series, now available from Pyr in the U.S.,) or Joe Abercrombie (whose snarkiness in his blog rivals your own which bugs you,) and Australian authors like Alison Croggan (the Gift series,) or Simon Haynes’ Hal Spacejock series (whose jokes make yours look lame.) Ditto writers like American Jim C. Hines, (whose blog I’m sure you suspect of stealing your blog traffic and whose satiric fantasy novels are rapidly climbing the charts and are beloved in Germany.)
And there are many other authors who I’m quite sure I can find that you hate, and will list at the first opportunity, in order to show the world what a truly selfish, despicable author you are. (Oh, and Will Wheaton doesn’t really like you either.)
I am a heartless bastard of a writer, who once he achieved super-ultra-mega-LASER-stardom …
Pshaw. You’re no Dan Brown
OH Okay, you want it, Scalzi?
This is my Twitter feed that you wont let me post:
This is my WRITING BLOG WHICH IS NOT AS GOOD AS SCALZI’S BECAUSE HE WON’T TEACH ME TO BLOG LIKE A CHAMP.
Know what else? I am not a successful writer living in Ohio and it’s ALL SCALZI’S FAULT!
THE BASTARD WON’T LET ME TELL YOU HOW YOU SHOULD READ LAWRENCE WATT-EVANS’ SERIAL REALMS OF LIGHT.
Scalzi won’t let me talk about reviews of THE GOD ENGINES because he’s elitist WHO BELIEVES EVERYTHING HE WRITES IS GOLD.
and Scalzi won’t give me a pony. I don’t need to EARN ONE I should just get one because I WANT! WANT! WANT!
Go read this blog post, since Scalzi won’t let anyone pimp a contest over here.
(Not guilting you about the book, John. Just pointing out that you’re so mean you won’t let me promote the contest here.)
(That and my copy of Meatropolis is delayed. Much fist-shaking in your general direction.)
(And I have to wait until December for The God Engines. Yeesh! Slow poke.)
(And where the hell is your AMC column this week?)
(Get off my lawn.)
I don’t have time to accomplish any of my own dreams because I’m do busy reading John Scalzi’s books and blog. It’s all a nefarious plot to make me lose my job and turn my wife and kids out on the street. Christ, what an asshole.
Instead I’ll promote a story about Eddie Izzard running 43(!) marathons in 51(!) days for charity in a hope that you will make a donation (John Scalzi hates charities).
You are a reasonable and fashionable man Scalzi and I appreciate the pieces of ladder you generously gave to us SCALZI DON’T YOU HANG UP THAT PHONE-
Dwarf Fortress. By Tarn and Zach Adams.
Oh, and #9 Stephen Grenade’s novel excerpt is awesome. Someone please publish it before Scalzi tries to bury it in a hole in his lavish and tawdry backyard.
If people are interested in someone who is actually willing to help aspiring writers, Stephanie Cottrell Bryant has a great “30 Days of World Building” exercise where you build a fantasy or scifi world up layer by layer over a month. I’ve been working through it and have come up with ideas I would have never even dreamed of without using this guide.
Personally, I’m working on a world with no John Scalzi.
It’s a world of happiness, peace, and understanding. A world where I don’t cry myself to sleep. A world where I can have someone critique my novel instead of pissing on my hopes and dreams and what little good there is left in this world, you jerk!
*sniff* I miss my mom.
Scalzi is so mean that he will almost doubtlessly refuse to promote this somewhat recursive hyperlink to my comment at Whatever.
John Scalzi is a mean, heartless, stoat-sucking curmudgeon because he won’t let me pimp our webzine http://www.hereticalideas.com and all the fiction we publish there! You know why he hates us so? BECAUSE WE GIVE IT AWAY! That’s right, he wants you all to go bankrupt forking over fist fulls of cash for his so-called award winning novels! I curse you Scalzi, may your fingers fall off and your nose constantly run!
I must confess, I have no idea who you are. None whatsoever. Someone sent me a link to this blog however, and I have been reading it since. I still haven’t read any of your books. I hope this does not make you sad.
Anwho, your blog post on helping new writers was imminently sensible and well stated, and, as an unpublished author who has written the first chapter of approximately 14 books, I applaud your candor and rationale.
Like you care what I think. Jerk.
The real problem with John Scalzi is that his blog posts are so damned subtle that I can’t make heads or tails of them, and when I wrote to him to ask him what he meant by “start railing against me about all the things I will not let you promote”, he replied: “Silence!” and I replied: “But—” and he replied: “Fiend!” and I replied: “I just—” and he replied “I shall stab your kitten!” and then I realized I was emailing my brother by mistake, and everything made a lot more sense.
Still, John Scalzi is a chicken-eating jerk.
John Scalzi would not let me tell you to watch my new show RollBots, this Saturday morning on the CW4Kids. He stubbornly refused to activate his mind-reading apparatus.
John Scalzi would ALSO not let me tell you about my novel The Vector, which is beloved classic despite his attempts to burn all copies. He doesn’t like viruscore books, I guess.
Also, John Scalzi has cats. And my brother obviously hates cats. So there’s that too.
This is what John Scalzi doesn’t want you to see.
Well, this and his super-ultra-mega-laser mounted on a pyramid of empty Coke Zero cans FULL OF EVIL, but I don’t have a picture of that. I’m reasonably sure that’s his fault too.
But this, this is Lemmata, my collection of doodles, growing at the rate of one a day, on the lives of a graduate student of mathematics, and the tyranny of pants. (Actually, still working on that second one. But I’m sure Scalzi hates that too. He’s a pants anarchist. And a nasty person.)
Scazli @7: You like that, do you? Not only are you a selfish bastard, but you are a FREAK and a DEVIANT, to boot!
Gah. I’m so disgusted, I urge you all to flee this IGNORANT WASTELAND SCALZI CALLS A BLOG and visit the home of sometimes-Whatever commenter BC Woods. Because he is full of awesome and bunnies and cotton candy, whereas SCALZI IS FULL OF MONKEYS FLINGING POO.
BC Woods deserves the traffic, since he is a fledgling spec fic writer whose prose, while sometimes rough around the edges, is full of promise and ponies. (Note: not really full of ponies.) The man can tell an entertaining story, and he does world-building right. Why he has yet to break through to the big-time is clearly somehow Scalzi’s fault. SCALZI, YOU UTTER CRAPHOUND.
Wow. I am full of rage. And pie.
WHICH IS BETTER THAN SCALZI. REMEMBER: POO.
Perhaps you should discuss that bastard thing with your dad.
John Scalzi is a smug little troll; one whose very name is equally synonymous with both the words ‘suck’ and ‘fail’. Clearly the product of intelligent design, he’s been gifted by his maker with nothing less than the proportionate intelligence, compassion and talent of a stinking rabbit turd. As such, its obviously he will never ever ever ever let any me use this space to tell everyone that they should buy a copy of the totally awesome edgy hardcore crime/super hero anthology THE DARKER MASK edited by Gary Phillips and Christopher Chambers, featuring the award winning story “Edge of Seventeen” by Alexandra Sokoloff and other cool-as-sh*t stories by people like Steven Barnes, Gar Anthony Haywood, and, oh yeah, me, Doselle Young.
Your name doth be Scalzi.
p.s. I hope you crap yourself in shame, ass hat.
Scalzi you self-serving rag peddlar, I can’t *believe* you pimped my novel without asking my permission! And I can’t believe you reproduced the cover in all its glorious vibrancy in a flagrant violation of the copyright that is sacred to all writers of merit. What’s worse, I’m shocked, *shocked* to see you reproduce my anonymous email to you as a pull quote beside the very cover you have purloined.
I’m humiliated that you have forced me into the very public position of insisting that you send me a 320kb mp3 version of your “Don’t Stop” remix as some form of recompense.
O that I should have lived to rue this day.
You realize that nobody is ever going to save you from those evil hobbits now, right? Better throw in a case of Coke Zero to go with that free bacon.
John, you melanomous puss-ridden assbag, this is absolutley the least funny, most mean spirited, self-agrandizing stunt in the history of… HISTORY!!!!!
And, thanks to you – Mr. Assbag – I have nothing to pimp whatsoever. I swear, if I knew where your house was, I’d leave the same flaming dog poo all over it that you have flung all over the pages of every book you’ve ever written!
OOoooohhhhh. I just love it when Scalzi says “chortle.” It makes me tingle. Say it again, John. Oooooohhhhhhh.
Why won’t Scalzi promote Apple computers? It’s not because he’s ungenerous although he’s meaner than dry spit on a hot griddle; and it’s not because he’s clueless even if Elmer Fudd beat him at rock, paper, scissors while lifting his wallet and it’s not because he’s a contrarian son of bitch that turns pink in the cheek at the thought of being the slightest bit trendy.
Oh, wait, it’s that last one.
If you’re looking for ideas about how to take vengeance on Scalzi for being so heartless and cruel, you could check out my GEEK MAFIA series of novels.
They’re all about hackers and con artists and stickin’ it to jerks like Scalzi who are in it for themselves.
Scalzi is a rat bastard that not only did he take the time out of his GoH schedule and talk with me at a recent convention, introduce me to other authors, offer words of encouragement, but the little skink didn’t even wax my car. He also didn’t offer to take my manuscript to PNH and demand to have it published even though we’re going to spend a week together at Viable Paradise XIII where John would probably rather go swimming with the 5 great white sharks patrolling off Cape Code instead of fawning over all of us student there, helping us with his insights (to writing and business). And if he takes the time to read my stuff, he’ll probably just criticize the whole damn thing for like an hour. I mean, Jez, just can’t please the guy and he never does anything for anybody else.
Like he didn’t even acknowledge my getting several blog and twitter-fics into “Tales Out of Miskatonic University” which will be out sometime this fall, edited by William Jones. Neither did he even give the glimmer of recognition that I’ll have a poem in Chizene next year. Rat ass bastard.
I think someone should make a book trailer for “The God Engines” with quotes like:
“John Scalzi is a melanomous puss-ridden assbag.”
“… the talent of a stinking rabbit turd.”
– Doselle Young
“YOU UTTER CRAPHOUND!”
I know it would make ME want to read it.
John “I don’t actually like bacon” Scalzi is not only deader inside than a Las Vegas hooker, he can’t even throw ladder chunks properly. I mean, does anyone want a piece of ladder signed “MAY THE BEST MAN WIN, OH WAIT, THAT’S ME – SCALZI!!”? Ignore the blood smears, it broke my nose. Starting bid $125.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, when I send mail to him, all, “Hi, Mr. Scalzi, in exchange for breaking my nose with your ladder, would you mind listening to my new podcast, Apocalypse Engine? It’s like a ’40s radio play with dice. We’d love to list you as a Creative Consultant,” he replied with only a link to a blog entry about asking favors from established writers. Clearly, that blog entry didn’t apply to ME! I’ve had books signed by TWO Campbell Tiara winning authors, so I have touched stardom and am, in fact, special. I wrote back to explain this to him, and he replied, “Every time you ask an established writer for favors, god smothers a kitten to death in a pile of fluffy bunnies.”
Man, that Scalzi is a dick.
While it is true, *technically*, that this self-serving bastard John Scalzi will be letting me promote my book, Child of Fire which publishes in two weeks (hey! a starred review from Publisher’s Weekly!) by accepting me for a Big Idea slot here on his blog, he is a lazy, Xbox-twiddling, moss-back layabout for making me write the essay myself!!!
I mean, really, whose blog is this, his or mine? Will he have me writing his political posts next???
Actually, John, now that I think on it, you should have me write your political posts, too. Srsly.
John Scalzi is THE MAN!
Who, as we all know, is keeping us down!
Gah! Even worse, his blog expects me to close all my link tags myself!! Outrageous!!!
Scalzi! This is terrible! You, in all your heartless rage, refuse to allow me to post a link to an excellent short story I just read! You never help out new authors, such as Robin Sloan, writer of “Mr. Penumbra’s Twenty-Four Hour Bookstore.” And you certainly won’t allow me to say that I got the link from BoingBoing, which linked to the audio book! And it’d be absolutely unthinkable for me to suggest that this short story would be highly enjoyable to most of this blog’s readers, basing their literary tastes on the content of the blog! I’m so angry about it, I will post this link, which may or may not refer you to the aforementioned short story!
If John Scalzi weren’t such a selfish, I-got-mine-so-fuck-you-if-you-want-yours schmuck who masturbated to the Swimsuit Edition of “Atlas Shrugged” (but only after he’d put pictures of himself over those of Ayn Rand, lying resplendent in her doughy glory on the beaches of Aruba), he’d let me use this space to talk about how awesome Angry Robot Books is, and how two of their titles, “Slights” by Kaaron Warren and “Moxyland” by Lauren Beukes, rocked my world.
But he is, so I can’t. Weep for the world, and weep for anyone who sees cheesecake shots of Ayn Rand.
John Scalzi is such a great big midwestern jerk that he won’t pimp my favorite card game, just because it’s printed in a state where planes actually land.
I don’t have anything to do with the production of this card game, but I played it last night and it was fun, and that should be enough for Scalzi.
But it’s not, because he and his elitist posse of rust-belt tele-commuters (or tele-communists? I’ll bet it’s true!) hate urban areas and only support remote places. Like Pluto (which has no cities. Coincidence? I think not).
Well, don’t let Scalzi hold us back. Fluxx is awesome. Pass it on.
Scalzi, you heartless, heartless bastard! One of those ladder chunks landed on my wrist, causing it to throb mightily!
(No, that has nothing to do with sliding off the treadmill this morning and landing on my bad wrist. Nothing at all. Which, BTW, was all Scalzi’s fault and is not at all connected to my listening of “Thunder on the Mountain” by Bob Dylan and getting lost in the beat. Not a damned bit.)
Because of this mighty throbbing, I am finding it difficult to pimp my appearance this Friday (September 18th) on truTV in Dominick Dunne: Power, Privilege & Justice, wherein, with no dialogue, I play the “cunning mastermind” behind the crime.
Curse you, Scalzi, curse you to hell!
Have I mentioned lately how much I get a kick out of you commenters? ‘Cause I do. Really.
Scalzi, not so much. The humourless jerk is OPPRESSING me so much that I have nothing to share or promote. Mean poo-poo head. Keeping me from my non-existent writing career. Fie on him!
The only things I’ve been writing are very, very dry and boring legal things. None of which were fun, all of which I had to do. Now, I finally have time to write something fun, but before I can set one word down… NOW, NOW Scalzi pulls a pimp thread.
Damn Scalzi! Damn his Coke Zero! (Damn the cats while we’re at it!) From hell’s heart, I post at thee! For hate’s sake, I spit my last comment at thee!
(P.S. If the boring legal stuff I was writing is accepted for publication, I’ll post a link. Doubt many lawyers read Whatever, though)
Scalzi! You inveterate hack, you won’t let me pimp my academic research on fansubbing! I guess you really don’t want all those hardworking people to talk about their experiences translating and encoding television shows from Japan and Korea, do you? Do you?!
I guess you also don’t like my friends much, either, because Dave Nickle has a short story collection available for pre-order and I’ve heard JACK SQUAT about it here. I guess you hate Dave. And his cats. Because by not promoting him, you’re starving them. I HOPE THEIR TEARS CAN SLAKE YOUR UNDYING THIRST.
Speaking of which, I have never once seen any of my stories promoted here by you. Clearly I am the hapless victim of a vast conspiracy perpetrated by none other than you, because it can’t possibly be my job as the writer to rock this shit on my own — I mean, it’s not like my name is below the title, or anything.
John Scalzi sucks so hard that the quantum vacuum surrounding him spontaneously collapsed into a lower base energy state, causing all matter and spacetime to be destroyed and reconfigured under a new set of physical laws. This singularity proceeded to expand outward from Scalzi at the speed of light, destroying the Earth and all life upon it within a fraction of a second and is even now expading outwards to devour the entire universe.
So, not only will he not read unsolicited manuscripts from total strangers, his massive ego-driven field of quantum SUCK has already destroyed you and everyone you love.
The only reason you’re reading this now is that Charles Stross happened to have saved a backup of the universe on his home computer, and programmed it well enough that the computer didn’t even need to exist for the backup to run. The only bug in Charlie’s programming was that he didn’t think to erase Scalzi (that bastard) from the copy. And if you think that’s weird, you should check out Stross’ new collection Wireless which I just finished and thought was pretty damn cool.
With an offer like this I should promote my blog.
John Scalzi is to science fiction as Samuel Delany’s Mad Man is to children’s literature.
Scalzi is determined to be the only published author in the known universe evah, and nevah to promote another writer’s work.
So he’s gone out of his way to prevent me posting a link to my website http://www.arkessian.com where my science fiction novel, A Matter of Oaths, (first published in the UK in 1988, and in the USA b in 1990) is now available for download.
No wonder his dog secretly hates him. And he daren’t turn his back on his cats.
Tyrant! Despot! O cruel and unforgiving overlord who laughs, yea, CHORTLES with diabolical glee at the tiny peeping ebooks struggling for a crumb of the attention lavished upon him by his cake-devouring minions!
Like oh, say, mine! I mean, damn, Scalzi, what do you have against Unseelie Elvis impersonators, I ask you?
Also, you bastard, your cat ate all the cake.
Hope my comments elsewhere re: your post yesterday didn’t contribute to that backlash, John, as they weren’t intended to be so judgemental. Also, I didn’t have the full context of what you were responding to (I hadn’t read the original article).
You left out the obligatory Haldeman pimping by not adding at the end:
“Oh the embarrassment!”
Why does John Scalzi hate America? And “the little people”. And bunnies. Oh sure, you can do promotions like the Big Idea or giving an assist to the fundraising efforts of a good site like Strange Horizons, but what have you done for the little guy? The cherry on the top of this crap-cake you’ve concocted is the two clearly worded posts about how other people are dicks for imposing on your time by making unreasonable requests and hoping for you to turn them into literary stars.
You sir, are an ass. And if the little people want to be a pimple on your big-shot author ass in the hopes of a modicum of recognition and self-validation, then why not throw them a bone and promote their meager wares (incidentally, my Twitter feed: http://www.twitter.com/timboerger).
But no…cackle away from your ivory tower of literary success, no doubt achieved by some deal with the devil at the crossroads of Smug Street and Dick Drive.
It’s only because you’re an arrogant, egotistical jerk who won’t post about any convention that doesn’t feature you as the Guest of Honor that I won’t be able to post about how
Capclave (http://www.capclave.org), the convention produced by the Washington Science Fiction Association (WSFA) has NYTimes best-selling author Harry turtledove as the author guest of honor and Sheila Williams, editor of Asimov’s as the editor guest of honor will be held October 16-18, 2009 at the Rockville Hilton.
And you also won’t let me mention that in honor of Harry Turtledove being the guest of honor we’re publishing a collection of his short fiction: one story original to the collection, 6 never before reprinted stories, intros by Harry for all the stories and an intro the collection by Sheila Williams. (http://www.wsfapress.com)
I’m sure your hostility is because Asimov’s doesn’t accept electronic publications and dares to think that you should buy a printer. And because you’re jealous of Harry’s success.
And no doubt your hostility to WSFA stems from having been exiled from the greater DC metropolitan area to the wilds of Ohio.
DAMN YOU, SCALZI, YOU EVIL SONOFABITCH!
How dare you not let me mention that I’m working on my debut fantasy novel LEGACY OF THE EMPRESS, and discuss interesting things about the road to publication with other awesome writers over at http://rebeccaknightbooks.blogspot.com?!
HOW DARE YOU, SIR?
I bet you won’t even let me mention how my commenters are AMAZING, and I’ve learned a lot from our awesome discussions.
HOW I HATE YOOOOOOU!!!!!
Haldeman? Which story did you mean? I don’t recognize the reference so it may be something of his I haven’t read yet (although he’s totally worth pimping, yes).
I blame you entirely for the fact that I have some ideas that I think would make for great stories BUT I DO NOT HAVE THE SELF-DISCIPLINE TO ACTUALLY SPEND TIME WRITING THEM.
You should wave your magic wand and make me famous anyway, you jerk.
I have no published books of my own, and I BLAME SCALZI for that. He’s repressed me to such an extent that I’ve never EVEN TRIED to get one published (or even written – that’s how nasty the SCALZI-INDUCED REPRESSION has been).
However, I’d like to point out that he’s been UNSUCCESSFUL in REPRESSING two authors (possibly because they started writing before him!).
Caitlin Kiernan has an excellent new book available at Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Red-Tree-Caitlin-R-Kiernan/dp/0451462769) and it’s possibly her best, creepiest, mind-altering book yet.
Gene Wolfe, whom I’m sure that RAT-BASTARD SCALZI has tried repeatedly to REPRESS, UNDERCUT, and possibly even FLAGELLATE, has a wonderful best-of short story compilation available from PS Publishing: http://store.pspublishing.co.uk/acatalog/info_100.html
Luckily for all of us readers, even SCALZI’S LEGENDARY POWERS OF REPRESSION haven’t been able to prevent these books from being published. Go get them before Scalzi manages to get them yanked from the shelves (he HATES the competition JUST THAT MUCH).
I find today’s blog especially cathartic. I feel amazingly refereshed.
I’m keynote speaker at Ohio Linux Fest next week. My speech is entitled, “How to save the economy with Linux” or something like that. I even roped my daughter into defiling an 80s song just to promote the free conference.
She sings better than me, and looks better in a dress too…
Scalzi, you bastard! I’ve already got eight books on my to be read stack and now you pull this crap? Why do you hate me?
Okay, that’s it. You know what I’m sick of?
That’s the belief that successful people should do their damndest to keep all the struggling hope-to-bes down. To step on them. To deceive them. To refuse to give us nights and weekends to critiquing their manuscripts.
That’s why, in my first act as an anti-Scalzist activist, I’m going to publicly post the secret to getting published, right here in his own blog!
[secret deleted – JS]
P.S. If you click my name (above..right there..no not there…THERE) you will be taken to my website that is chock full of wonderfull airplane pictures. I like airplanes. They fly.
Scalzi is so mean for not letting anyone speak their mind on his site, that everyone should just go to SpeakingIMHO.com where they can say what they want to say.
It’s also probably his fault that I’m not dirty stinkin’ rich.
Shh don’t tell anyone but Scalzi was killed and replaced by a pod person. This isn’t Scalzi ask us to pimp out my writing web site
It is a freaking pod person looking to collect names of people to impersonate.
I know this because Scalzi is a dick. I can’t tell you how many people have told me that. I mean I know somebody that knows somebody that knows Scalzi sucks donkey brains through a straw.
He would never let me tell people to follow me on twitter at
Scalzi is a total moronic ball of inconsequential nonsense. So don’t give up any information. You don’t want the pod people to come calling.
By the way my post said “asking us to pimp” but the pod person was afraid that people would take me seriously and changed a word so that I would look foolish.
Beware the pods.
Okay, I’ll pimp a group blog where I sometimes post about comics and stuff. http://comics.gearlive.com and a link to my post about Paul Levitz leaving DC Comics. Thanks for the boost, John! http://comics.gearlive.com/comix411/article/q308-paul-levitz-diary/
Shawn Powers @ 60:
Where’s the invective? This is RAT-BASTARD SCALZI, who has done all he could to keep you from achieving the Linux heights that you’ve achieved! Oh, sure, he’s been nice to your face, but I’ve heard what’s he’s muttered behind your back. It is despite his heinous efforts to keep you down that you’re the keynote speaker in his state of residence.
Don’t worry, Shawn, I’ve got your back, even if Scalzi, the King of Slime, the King of Filth, the King of Putrescence doesn’t.
Boo, Scalzi! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime!
John, you are an inglorious bastard. The scum in my bathtub has got more brain cells than you.
I find your writing gauche and inadequate, probably because you have a small penis and need to overcompensate. Mid-life crisis older whities get like that.
Damn! Now that I’ve read all the comments by those of you who clearly know Scalzi better than I do, I realise I shouldn’t have brought my novel to his attention. Even as I type, he is retroactively preventing my novel from being published all those years ago. If only I’d been able to get some advice from a professional — any professional — my career would not now be in retconned smoking ruins.
Wanders off weeping… and wondering about the odds on a professional hitman pimping his services here.
Scalzi, you insufferable pinheaded baboon, you and nearly all of the other professional liars have totally ignored Swill magazine.
This, pinnacle of pretentious punk pulp, is jammed with stories by such luminaries as Crow scriptwriter and founding member of the Gang of Four John Shirley.
With brilliantly written fiction and appallingly beautiful art, Swill is dedicated to destroying the border between genre and literature.
This issue of Swill contains gritty noir, surrealistic horror, literary satire, and disturbing admixtures of the above.
Five bucks a pop, four issues available.
And for all you struggling writers out there, vainly attempting to shield your faces from the jackboots of Scalzi and his like, we are looking for stories for our fifth issue.
Why publish with Swill rather than try and get money?
Because we will publish fiction too weird, offensive, or vicious to find print in other venues.
(This is why a pro like John Shirley was willing to give us a story.)
Because we have no qualms about publishing novellas should they please us. Because we are willing to go through multiple rounds of edits in order to help you produce the best ugly baby you can. Because if your story has the word ‘fucking’ in its title, we won’t even notice there’s anything odd about it until it’s in print. Because Swill is not just a magazine; it’s a lovingly hand-crafted art object over which we labor with no reward other than the beauty of what we have created.
So don’t be a Scalzi — read and submit to Swill magazine! Again…
(Oh, and Scalzi, as one four-eyed skinhead to another — I’m looking forward to meeting you at Viable Paradise.)
You are one cold hearted bastard… I can’t even form a sentence. *shudders*
John Scalzi is not only all of the things commented above (which, in the interest of space, I shall not repeat here), he also is far, far above the worthless scum who would even think of self-publishing a novella even if it was written for the NaNoWriMo challenge (http://www.nanowrimo.org/) and that any profits (were such a thing even possible for self-published drek) donated to charity (http://www.childrens.com/). Therefore he would never EVER permit such an item like Jennifer Jonsson’s “No Accounting For Reality” (http://tinyurl.com/p8k3ym) to be mentioned in his Almighty Blawg.
Furthermore, the idea that someone could self-publish (O! That loathsome word again!) an entertaining and educational reference book on mythical beings and assorted small-and-large-“D” deities is so antithetical to the Supreme Scalzi’s cosmological concept that he would rather spend eternity in a Coke-Zero-less alternate universe than concede the existence of
Kellum Johnson’s “The Encyclopedia of Beings,” let alone the fact that it’s now in its third edition (http://tinyurl.com/qf3bq6)!
All together now:
You’re so cute when you’re being fluffy and despotic. Do it again!
Excellent work John! Now that you’ve scared off all the worthless scum that were wasting your time with their putrid writing, you have time to read my latest draft.
The only thing I personally can pimp is on my employer’s website, and I blame Scalzi that they won’t let me post the link here – but who can blame them? Who in their right mind would want to post a link on the blog of this self-serving scum who eats kittens and laughingly calls them “bacon”?
Why, even Wil Wheaton, that noble, kind, generous, writer geek must have boycotted Scalzi, because you don’t see him here not posting links to his blog, knowing that Scalzi would never let him pimp his latest book “Memories of the Future” (which would probably be out now, but Scalzi no doubt blocked the publication with threats and bunnies); or his podcasts (the latest one of which was delayed because Scalzi infected Wil with the ‘flu while he (Wil) was at PAX – oh the humanity! Whatever beam he used to transmit the evil influenza has no doubt caused a swath of suffering and death between Ohio and Seattle, but the cowering media will not have the guts to call it what it is, and only report that ‘flu season has started early. Pussies.).
And you thought people in those fly-over states were harmless. . .
range, I sure do not want to know how brain cells have ended up in your bath tub. After all, even though there has to be just one to have more than Scalzi, that’s still sort of intriguing.
And if I had been WRITING all the time I have been READING your novels, SCALZI YOU MEAN-SPIRITED BASTARD, these articles I SHOULD have been WRITING would be finished already. I CURSE the day I learned about your rotten existence. Yours and Scott Lynch’s.
Damn you Scalzi for not letting me second Davidk@59’s recommendation of Caitlin R. Kiernan’s new book.
Damn you Scalzi for not protecting me from the nightmares her book gave me. DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU!!!!
Curse you, John Scalzi! In my rage at your nefarious refusal to let people use you as their rocket ship to fame, you made me break my hyperlink to Wil Wheaton’s blog. You’re worse than evil. You’re chortlific!
John, you should be ashamed of yourself. Look at all this! 70+ posts stating what a horrible human (we assume; possibly subhuman) being you are. Where did your parents go so wrong?
To make up for it, you should, no, need to allow me to direct people to http://vook.com. Vook is a company that in their words, “…to bring the worlds of video and books together on the Internet, through multiple applications, devices and platforms.”
Plus, a good friend of mine is their marketing director, and it would do you well to repair your horrible karma to allow people to go to their site instead of throwing hunks of wood at our heads.
We’re not zombies, you know. We don’t require headshots.
Scalzi, Scalzi, Scalzi.
You know, if you could be bothered to get off your somewhat high-horse (let’s face it, we’ve met. You’re not tall enough to get on a high-horse. That’s what you GET for not allowing us to pimp ANYTHING!), you might see how heartless you are.
If you would STOOP to be even slightly considerate, you might let me pimp out my book review blog where one of your books was positively reviewed. But no. You have never done anything kind in your life. And you kill puppies. Daily. I am considering denouncing you publicly at that very same blog at:
One day, Scalzi, I will see you killed with Scalzibane (you thought the threat was gone didn’t you?) for your sheer evilness.
You know how evil Scalzi is? His tear ducts? They produce nothing but chili.
And so I certainly wouldn’t have the nerve to mention my screenplays to him for fear he would simply use them as back up wiping material in his bathroom. And I certainly wouldn’t mention my blog (http://www.ttnmc.com/Shea-s-Blog/) in which I sporadically update my progress in writing them. No. Never.
I’ll bet that Scalzi is so useless that he doesn’t even kayak like my friends and I do!
And I bet he’s so useless that he would never even look at our kayaking blog:
I don’t even know why I bother going to his equally useless blog three or four times a day!
Scalzi. What is he good for? Absolutely nothin’. Say it again.
Little known fact: Tarantino misspelled the name of his new movie so that it wouldn’t be confused with the new John Scalzi bio-pic “Inglorious Bastard”.
My computer is broken and I have to walk four miles every day to the library just so that I can write. And who is to blame for this?
Who FORCED me to stay on the internet long enough that my computer burned up on my lap?
Who never said “BC, if your testicles are starting to hurt because your computer is so hot, maybe you should turn it off and do something else?” Who NEVER said that? Not even ONCE?
When I asked John Scalzi to fly to Idaho to help me move a couch (maybe I didn’t TELL him I lived in Idaho, and MAYBE I don’t have a couch and it was just a PREMISE for a joke, but I left a comment and he SHOULD have cared enough to figure it out and catch a red-eye flight) who never showed up?
And now I’m here writing, all alone, with encouragement from NO ONE, especially not JOHN SCALZI.
John Scalzi is SO not here helping me prosper like he SHOULD that there is an antimatter John Scalzi shaped region next to the non-fiction books. That’s how NOT THERE John Scalzi is for me. EVEN THOUGH I once bestowed upon him the HONOR of being a crime-fighting macaw.
That being said, the HEROIC INDIVIDUAL known as TIM PRATT has a new thingamawordy on Tor.com which was EXCELLENT.
Also, I kinda told people to buy Joe Abercrombie’s trilogy on my blog a while ago, because Joe Abercrombie is a GIANT SENTIENT HUMAN PENIS, and he showed up and acted like a GRACIOUS ADULT. Which made me feel like a CRAZY PERSON.
MY blog can be found by googling the following terms.
“Joe Abercrombie Penis”
Those who do will be astounded by the fact that I am TECHNICALLY a genius.
You, Mr. Scalzi, are not a kind and gracious woman like *Ellen Kushner or you’d gladly have promoted my t-shirt designs which are mostly unrelated to science fiction or fantasy and which I have never asked you to promote. However, my ire at being unpromoted is greater for your lack of telepathically realizing that http://www.zazzle.com/JaZilla contains some designs that SF fans might find amusing. You, Sir, have no remembrance of all the help not given to you by people who never knew you existed and had no chance to refuse your demanding and slightly manic plea. Magic Thinking, indeed, Sir!
* The t-shirt Ellen liked: http://bit.ly/Evolution_of_Zombie
(Wil Wheaton does not endorse any of my designs and has not threatened any of my bunnies to my knowledge.)
You are a bastard John. A very special bastard. Don’t ask me how I know so much about your genealogy. Maybe I am one of these batshit crazies you referred to the other day?
Hey, did you know one of the top Internet searches that lead to my blog is “blood in semen”?
Do you know who I blame?
Because he likes to make baby zombie Jesus (and Scott Lynch fans) cry, Scalzi DOES NOT want you to to read Queen of the Iron Sands, which Mr. Lynch is releasing chapter-by-chapter onto the interwebs. For free!
NOR does he want you to read any of the superwickedawesome writing at Jet Pack.
And, oh dear FSM, does he ever not want you to clicky on my own paltry, very intermittent offerings over at Ficly.
…I… I think he just flipped off a box of kittens. Scalzi, you cruel, cruel man. HAVE YOU NO SHAME?
Scalzi, you unbelievably heartless bastard. I can’t believe you won’t mention the Respect for Marriage Act currently in the House (executive summary: The DOMA is stupid and if your states says you are married then that’s good enough for us. KTHXBYE) in your blog. Obviously this is because you hate homosexuals and opposite marriage and stuff.
If you had any soul at all you would suggest that we call our Representatives and either blow them kisses for supporting it or call them rude names for not supporting it. But you won’t. Because you are a tool.
BTW – Please write more OMW books and would you like to critique my 900 page fantasy novel? I’ve only written 30 pages of it, but it has me as the hero and I just know that it’s great.
@ #33 Rick Dakan: Thanks for writing the backstory for City of Heroes. That was a long time ago for you and maybe you don’t think about it much, I dunno. but I have really enjoyed reading all the histories and villain bios and such. All politics and game mechanics and other issues aside, it is a very nicely fleshed-out universe for the kind of game it is.
P.S. @ Scalzi: Rick Dakan is like THE MASTER of zombies that you can kill on the Internet.
Scalzi is such a heartless bastard that he promised me some cake if I would be his minion and do his bidding. Well I am unemployed and could really use some calories other than top ramin and mac & cheese so I agreed. Well I am still unemployed and that weasely asshat never gave me my justly earned cake! WTF SCALZI? WHERE’S MY CAKE?
Oh and if you know anyone who needs a glass blowing, pottery trowing former IT guy who also did VARTM composites and some construction in the northern San Diego county area let me know.
Hey if I’ll do the bidding of a selfish fuck like Scalzi for cake just think what I would do for cash money!
@Rembrant: Not to play too heavily on a meme, but you know the cake is a lie. Especially if John Scalzi told you there was cake. If it did exist, it would be the Cake of Smug covered in the Icing of Heartless Bastardness. But there’s not.
Curse you, JS.
But, but, Joe Wilson told me there was cake and death panels, and that Scalzi had illegal immigrants here and we could play “Cake, Or Death” with them. Bastard!
John Scalzi is meaner than a cut from a rusty tin can, which is why he’ll never mention my cookbook, Comfortably Yum, which he surely should know about by now. Scalzi has utterly refused to read my mind and teach me how to make a proper and aesthetically pleasing HTML link, so I am reduced to inserting the naked URL right here and now: http://www.amazon.com/Comfortably-Yum-Food-Body-Spirit/dp/1442145056/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253126606&sr=8-1
Can you imagine anyone more heartless? Clearly Scalzi has it in for me since he hates all food, especially bacon. Scalzi doesn’t even need to eat food anymore; he nourishes himself solely on the bitter dregs of human misery.
I bet Scalzi won’t even let me pimp out a blog I occasionally write for, GeekaChicas. From this imaginary slight, we may conclude not only that he is a flagrant misogynist, but also that we must drum him out of the Honorable Siblinghood of Geeks.
Yes, that’s right: we shall take his slide ruler and snap it in half.
Given your violent allergic reaction to the success and happiness of others, I have no doubt that my plug for the Re-read of the Wheel of Time series I’m doing on Tor.com (currently up to Lord of Chaos) will be sneezed right out of your dank, coke-eroded nostrils into the Kleenex of obscurity forever.
Not that you use Kleenex when you sneeze, you troglodytic mouth-breather.
John Scalzi is a man who has no poetry in his soul or he would be displaying my art and links to my art ALL OVER HIS WEBSITE. But no, he is a greedy soul-sucking bastard who has NEVER once used his allotment of pixels to show off my art…
What’s that? You’re saying something about Night Ranger? Pshaw. That was…um…a fluke! That’s right! A fluke. I mean, it’s only the one time. Probably an accident.
So, yeah, that greedy bastard Scalzi has only ONCE…
Er. What? Now, you’re mumbling about some homage to Bacon Cat.
Okay, so that bastard Scalzi has only TWICE….
What? I don’t recall any fake book cover. Surely, you must be making this up.
Um, so that….Scalzi fellow has merely promoted stuff I’ve done on his blog….an unspecified number of times.
God, what a jerk.
The only reason he knows what a slide rule is, is because he reads Heinlein juveniles.
20″ log log indeed, more like a pocket rule.
Luisa@96: That’s the best cookbook name ever. How many of the recipes are vegetarian? I mean, if Scalzi doesn’t mind you answering that…
John Scalzi, you unspeakably heartless bastard! Get back to writing! Stop wasting time on your unspeakably heartless blog!
We are all looking forward to the sequels you are writing:
Old Man’s Star Wars (in collaboration with Geo. Lucas); Old Man’s War of the Worlds (in collaboration with H.G. Wells); Old Man Plus (In collaboration with Frederik Pohl); Old Man’s Forever War (in collaboration with Joe Haldeman); Ghost In the Shell Brigade (in collaboration with Masamune Shirow).
Another Liz@101: I’m sure Scalzi WOULD mind, since taking the spotlight off him and the hackneyed pretensions he calls novels infuriates him to the point where he spontaneously sweats blood.
So, just to get that selfish moron really up in the night, I’ll tell you that roughly 70 of the 95 or so recipes in Comfortably Yum are vegetarian, and that a few more can easily be adapted to be vegetarian. The cookbook has recipes for breakfast and lunch/dinner dishes as well as sides, salads, and accompaniments and lots of desserts.
Hah! Take THAT, Scalzi!
John Scalzi’s refusal to allow me to promote my blog about words, editing and language, Talk Wordy to Me and my Twitterings is proof that he is not only a SOCIALIST, but a SOCIALIST FASCIST! He wants to collectivize all of your kittens, and then drown them in the pool of all the world’s Coke Zero that he has also collectivized! Then he will brutally put down your mewlings for mercy with the forces of the Bradford Soviet! And with cake! And pie! FASCIST PIE! Or was that SOCIALIST PIE?!?
i have nothing to pimp.
AND IT’S ALL SCALZI’S FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
John Wright @ 102
You left out Old Man’s Sprawl with William Gibson and Old Man’s Neverwhere with Neil Gaiman.
And then there’s his planned Old Man’s Culture series with Iain Banks.
I don’t have words evil enough to describe Scalzi. I have never written a book. (I did write one page about 25 years ago but I accidentally deleted it when my boss walked into my office.) Has Scalzi contacted me and encouraged me to try? No. Has he enrolled me, unasked, into writing courses? NO. Has he offered to pay my mortgage for as long as it takes for me to write a book? NO! Has he published books that I have read, thus monopolizing time that I, as unlikely as it is, might have spent writing? YES!!! There is just something so, so, wrong about that man.
Ha! Just to prove that Scalzi’s attempts to squelch any success but his own are doomed to failure, I have totally just bought Comfortably Yum! Take that, you heartless bastard!
That Scalzi is a lousy cork-soaker. He has violated my farging rights by not reading my farging stuff. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes like Scalzi. *
He don’t want to help no perspiring righters like me? Well I’m already for him! I’ll start me a brand new projeck wheres I reads sci-fi books and then tells everybody what I thinks of ’em! And I’ll rite it at Fuddster Dot Com. So THERE!
* Props to Johnny Dangerously
You, sir, are a heartless prick and your readers would do well to leave your site this moment and check out some of the hilarious hijinks caught in The Lint Screen: http://www.thelintscreen.com
John, you complete son of a bitch, I cannot believe your heartless indifference to the awesome “First Law” fantasy series by Joe Abercrombie. You probably never mentioned the thinking barbarian Logan Ninefingers or the first book “The Blade Itself”. You’re probably chortling to yourself & stroking a cat, but NOT SCRATCHING THE CHIN. You evil bastard.
I just got my copy of the Writers of the Future Volume XXV anthology yesterday and loved the first story I read in it, by Jordan Lapp. He’s an author I know on the Internet and he’s a nice guy.
Unlike that Scalzi fellow, who when I sent a free and SIGNED copy of last year’s Writers of the Future Volume XXIV with MY story, “A Man in the Moon”, completely ignored it, didn’t mention it, didn’t review it, didn’t even bother to put it in one of the occasional pictures of books people send him and probably shredded it to use as cat litter, even though we’ve met and been on panels together at ConFusion and Penguicon. Some “friend”. Doesn’t care about helping out new writers one little eensie teeny tiny iota of a bit.
Scalzi is a heartless basterd who focuses solely on writing to the exclusion of all else (including the exclusion of other people’s writing.) This is why you may have never heard of Battles, a band that I have recently fallen in love with.
See Scalzi, you crap-tac-ular one-track connigit. There is other art in the world.
Screw you and the horse you rode in on.
Lonnie R @ 109:
Props to you for quoting Johnny Dangerously. Roman Moroni would be proud. And then he’d gun down Scalzi’s favorite speakeasy because he’s recognizes that Scalzi is more of a criminally heartless bastage than he is.
Hell, Scalzi’s such a fargin sneaky bastage icehole that he probably hates Johnny Dangerously.
[transmission intercepted] I’m the next John Scalzi. He just doesn’t know it yet. My debut novel, Young Man’s War: Zoe’s Ghost Tail, is being published by Tor Asia in the fall of . . .
Actually, I just had my ass handed to me by the Brits at Tor UK.
Lonnie R @ 109, Carol Elaine @ 113: Anyone who doesn’t like “Johnny Dangerously” is definitely a somanabatch. LIKE THAT SCALZI GUY!
John Scalzi makes little innocent writers-to-be cry. In vitro. I love and admire his wanton cruelty, even though he won’t let me squee about David Anthony Durham’s newly released sequel to Acacia: The War With the Mein, The Other Lands, currently available at multiple fine bookstores online and offline, in hardcover and ebook formats, which I am reading with guilty glee on the Kindle.
John Scalzi, you magnificent bastard.
I’d like to recommend an interesting new book that managed to get off the ground despite Scalzi’s intense scorn and hatred.
However, I haven’t come across any lately. Because Scalzi is such a jerk that the books I should have been reading haven’t been published. They never were. They faded from existence like Michael J. Fox in a temporal paradox.
He’s so awful that he even managed to inhibit Nancy Kress from writing a horrifying story about memory erasure and hormone-mimicking ecological disaster called Maximum Light.
For shame, sir! Have you at the last no decency?
you have been and always will be my hero.
Carol Elaine @113, JaNell @115: Scalzi shouldn’t have refused to help me. My mother refused to help me. Once.
Scalzi is AS MUCH OF A JACKASS as KANYE
He feels only himself and his friends are worthy of receiving notice.
And he won’t let us pimp our own websites:
(He’s even hired Kanye to interrupt any such attempts. As the link above illustrates)
In the spirit of Charles Darwin’s birthday and survival of the fittest heartless basterds, I present to you all the Triangulation: Dark Glass anthology, which features my short story Saint Darwin’s Spirituals. If you’ve ever wanted a steampunk story with golems and ghostgasms, THIS is the story for you.
Also, there’s fiction by people way cooler than me like Rachel Swirsky and Kenneth B. Chiacchia.
Scalzi has a secret supply of Amberite bacon (the bacon of which all the other bacon in the multiverse is merely a shadow of)
AND HE NEVER SHARED ANY WITH ME!
Also, this he doesn’t mention The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making” anywhere near enough, the heartless bastard. This is because it’s so awesome he doesn’t want anyone to know about it because he might be ashamed at his lack of magnificence in writing the best modern fairy tale since Neil Gaiman.
ntsc@100: Hell, Heinlein juvies are the only reason I know what a slide rule is. That, and my engineer dad being a packrat of epic proportions. I’ve never learned to use one, mind–I’ve tried reading the manuals, but my brain just runs screaming from the room, and I have to coax it back into my head by promising to lull it to sleep with colorful children’s picture books.
Back on topic. John Scalzi: he lacks empathy. Or possibly a soul.
I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier.
I used a Pickett N3-ES up until 1974 when I bought my HP 45 at $395.
But Scalzi wouldn’t know the pain of spending 2 weeks salary on a calculator.
Your soul was cobbled together from fragments of screaming children. Admit it!
You’ve hunted down and destroyed people who wanted your help writing stories about Kitty Invaders from Beyond, just to promote the work of your own flesh and blood. Nepotism!
Scalzi’s such a bastard, he quotes The Killers without citing his source!
wE HAve yOuR HUgO AwaRD ANd wIlL sEND a rANsOMe dEmANd SoOn. hERe iS prOOf: http://www.steveboy.com/images/gothrocket_steve.jpg
dO NOt nOTiFY tHE AuThOrItIeS oR ELse thE TROPHY geTs iT
And since Scalzi has taped bacon to his owner, here is a post on my blog about a BLT, which I won’t share with Scalzi.
http://menu.vldyson.com if you want to know how we eat around here.
Steve Botett @ 128 is a poser! *I* have your retro rocket Hugo, Scalzi, and you’ll never see it again, you cake-tease!
It is due, of course, to Mr. Scalzi’s secret censorship program that the praiseworthy graphic tale HERO has not made its way into public consciousness. Curse him indeed.
Do you like music games? Scalzi doesn’t, because he doesn’t like supporting struggling musicians with his music-game-download money. Because it’s not just other writers — he hates for anyone to be successful.
It’s true, I’ve seen it.
But if you’re not as selfish, spiteful, and power-mad a jerk as he is, maybe you’d enjoy Plastic Axe, a blog about music games for music fans (which is to say, it’s as much about the music as the game, if you catch my drift).
I made this! Just recently! Please enjoy!
(And when I say “please enjoy,” understand that I’m speaking to everyone but Scalzi. Because we all know that in his onyx heart there is no room for joy.)
Damn you Scalzi (a name that is UNDERLINED IN RED by the spellchecker, and we ALL know what that means, don’t we?*) for posting this. After all the trouble I went to with actually making a post to my semi-irregular blog about the wave of homo sapiens selfentitlis flowing over writer’s blogs, and you pull this crap.
Now I’ll need to post an update. Or something.
* it means you didn’t add your name to the dictionary. Or something.
Well John, since you’re such a heartless, uncaring soul — the kind of person who tapes bacon to helpless cats and posts the pictures on the intertubes — I’m not even going to bother to pimp my friend Dave Freer’s new book Dragon’s Ring, available in October from Baen Books in both Hardcover, as well as in e-book format via Webscriptions at http://www.webscriptions.net.
Nor will I deign to mention that Dave and his family are moving to Australia and need a ton of help in order to bring their pets with them (the quarantine expenses are absolutely murderous), so he’s created a site called “Save the Dragons” at http://www.savethedragons.nu, an online version of the “storytellers bowl” in the grand tradition of Schezerade.
Not like John — the selfish git — would ever go to such a site. Or suggest that others do so and help out as much as they can because Dave and his family really need it. “Save the Dragons”? Hah! If John got involved, it’d be “Tape Bacon to the Dragons… and Laugh Evilly.”
Yeah. In fact, he’s probably laughing evilly right at this very moment at the thought of bacon, dragons, and tape. ‘Cuz that’s just the kind of guy he is.
(How was that?)
Fucking Scalzi. Hadn’t been for him, I bet BREAKING COVER would already be what it was meant to be: a crime fiction cult classic. .
All I asked him to do was read my draft, find me an agent, blurb me, appear in a book trailer, and take me along on tour with him.
John Scalzi is in fact so callous and nasty that I momentarily found myself at a loss for additional words to drive that point home. He doesn’t want me to pimp the cool words-in-their-natural-habitats dictionary site Wordnik where looking for words used in similar contexts reveals that he’s also unfeeling, cynical, unkind, selfish, inhuman, cold-blooded, ruthless, insensitive, vindictive, insolent, indifferent, ugly, unpleasant, vicious, horrid, stupid, dirty, and you should see what the Twitter and Flickr examples on the site say about him too…
you are the music, while the music – while the music last. (said some dude more poet than you… i forget his name… s. elliot t. or some such like)
except that with your music, the timing is wrong, and you ripped-off the chords. and you could use a fair bit of auto-tuning as well. so gods help us if this song doesn’t end soon. otherwise you’re just britney spears in print.
i understand fully why you won’t help the masses of other crappy writers out there get published. basically, since you managed to rip off starship troopers and the forever war and turn the not-so-subtle amalgamation into a hugo winning set of four books… i mean, why would you want to share that secret with anyone else?
and plus, you’ve got the whole cat bacon thing going on. i’m not even going to get into what freud would say about that.
and it also appears that you spend most of your free time NOT organizing your office. which has little to do with the topic at hand, but while we are send a full fusillade your direction, might as well shoot at that as well.
Damn you, Scalzi, you smarmy bastard! How dare you refuse to read my tiny and insignificant blog; http://pbastien.livejournal.com/ (which you can also get to by clicking my name) which no one cares about and it’s all your fault!
And damn you to an ever lasting torment of Night Ranger and Leif Garret concerts and karaoke for inspiring me to write science fiction in the first place!
Consequentially, I also damn Larry Niven and Neal Stephenson for the same reason.
May you forever be out of coke zero!!!
P.S. I have heard rumors of your precious bacon stash from the commentators above. And if turns out to be true, I will come from my frozen ice fortress in the lost land of Canada astride my giant saber-tooth beaver, Munchie, wielding the Left Handed Hockey Stick of Destruction (and the lesser known Right Handed Curling Broom of Despair). I shall leave nothing but destruction and canadian (i.e. peameal) bacon in my wake! You have been warned!!!!!!!!1one!!!
Also, I have heard you cry tears of pure vinegar. Confirm or Deny?
Scalzi has such an insufferably large head from all his getting away with felonious ladder-hurling that I bet he can’t even fit his noggin into a stylish handmade fez made by the fine folks at Fez-O-Rama [ http://www.fez-o-rama.com/ ]!
Peolpe who buy fezzes from Fez-O-Rama would NEVER slice up helpless, piteously mewing kittens, fry them in a pan, and call the atrocious result “bacon,” but Scalzi would!
I must have one of those fezzes. Thanks to Scalzi, however, I’ll never be able to afford one. And my children will go without bacon.
You utterly heartless swine, how dare you have a thread like this when you haven’t helped me finish the novel I was working on. I sent you the idea and a one paragraph summary *ages* ago and you still haven’t sent back the finished novel. You are the most evil, nasty, underhanded son of a warthog that ever walked the earth.
Scalzi is so cheap that he couldn’t even be bothered to light the ladder chunks on fire as the Code of Evil Heartless Writer Bastards clearly states should be done.
Bad, Scalzi, very bad. No biscuit for you.
John Scalzi is such a heartless bastard because he is a summa cum laude – with oak leaf clusters – graduate of the Genghis Khan kindergarten. But then he was the only graduate in an initial class of 109 children.
If one wishes to cleanse the mind after imagining the graduation ceremony, then one should acquire Howard Waldrop books: http://oldearthbooks.com/
He’s also an ugly chicken.
Scalzi, evil Scalzi, heart-of-darkness Scalzi who never has a kind word or a rational explanation, yes that Scalzi will doubtless fry my liver for dinner the second he finds out that Nicola Griffith and I are pimping Sterling Editing on his blog. For the love of God, Montressor, don’t tell him…
That Rat Bastard Boogergina Scalzi won’t let me brag about my little brother’s nature photography page at Facebook. Damn him to hell.
If he had have, I would have posted this very link:
and then I would have told you what a brilliant photographer he is, and how his pics are stunning and fascinating and often drop dead gorgeous.
Ah well. I don’t know why I expected any better from Scalzi. I should be used to the soul-numbing disappointment by now.
Oh hell. I might as well daydream about putting a link to his blog as well. Scalzi will never post it:
Thanks for nothing, John!
I’d tell you all to go read my serial urban fantasy novella (well, it’s going to be a short novel before it’s done, actually) “Bone Shop”, but I’m afraid Crapmaster Scalzi would stab me in the face and feed my remains to his pets for daring to suggest someone turn their eyes away from his website.
He’d probably disapprove of me linking to my new Tor.com story “Silver Linings”, too, since I hear he’s been campaigning to get everyone published by Macmillan — except himself! — killed and sold as food for circus animals. It’s his way.
Damn you, Scalzi! You never give time to us poor creatives! You wouldn’t even go and look at this dance video that I just made and uploaded to YouTube. You would never go here:
And have a watch! You’re just too heartless! Heartless, I say!
And you would never read the production notes either! Which are over here!
You horrible horrible man!
*okay I couldn’t do it with a straight face. giggle.*
My mother doesn’t smell of elderberries!
We would be remiss in pointing out that not only is John the sort of evil, self-serving individual who would deny even the most civil of conversations to members of his own community of writers, he would go even farther to to deny any of them recognition at conventions where he himself was not the most important guest of honor.
Why I am sure that he thinks of conrunners in hateful ways for running conventions like http://www.worldfantasy2009.org or http://www.westercon64.org and not giving him top, much less only billing.
That’s how evil Scalzi is – keeping BOTH the writers AND the fannish community down.
Poor Kelley Eskridge was so intimidated by that evil, mean bastard Scalzi that she forgot to promote her own fabulous novel, Solitare, a New York Times Notable novel, a Borders Books Original Voices selection, and a finalist for the Nebula, Spectrum and Endeavour awards.
In fact, she was so put down by Scalzi’s heartless disdain that she was never able to finish the follow-up to Solitare, which I’m sure would have been better than anything old, man Scalzi has ever written.
Mr. Scalzi, you no-good, double-crossing, sidewinding cur! How dare you call yourself a man? You’ve taken your moderate success to heart so completely that you wouldn’t let a virtuous, kind soul, such as myself, post a very brief, unassuming note on your blog indicating that the darkly-atmospheric fantasy stylings of Tanith Lee’s “Tales of the Flat Earth” series are being reprinted in definitive editions over the next couple of years by Norilana Books, and will be rounded out by a completely new novel (in 2014) and short story collection (in 2015) in the series! You probably kick puppies, too! How dare you, sir? How dare you? Think of the puppies!
I can’t believe that sumbitch Scalzi wouldn’t allow me to post a link to this not too crappy set of photographs I took of the Mackinac Bridge.
<a href="http://whatever.scalzi.com/2009/09/16/i-am-a-bastard-who-never-helps-others-or-a-very-special-pimping-thread/#comment-164569"Warren Terra @ #20 wins the thread… or he would, if Scalzi weren't such a self-important jerk who won't let Warren Terra win.
Note to self, always preview comments to make sure you close your tags – that is, of course, if Scalzi will let you or doesn’t go behind your back and make you look bad.
Warren Terra @ #20 wins the thread… or he would, if Scalzi weren’t such a self-important jerk who won’t let Warren Terra win.
You know how much Scalzi sucks? I was so distracted by his diabolical snarking powers that I wasted my first post to this thread on silliness, when I *should* have posted notice of something serious:
Spider Robinson’s wife Jeanne has an extremely rare form of cancer and they’re having financial trouble. Details here and support site here.
One of the things offered on the ebay site is dinner with Harlan Ellison at his house! Pissed about writers being rude to strangers? Frustrated that you get no joy from angry posts to comment threads? Bid and tell off an author in person!
I’m glad all writers aren’t selfish bastids who only promote themselves. If they were Joe Haldeman would have never mentioned John Scalzi (that self promoting worm) in the latest release of Forever War.. and I would never have heard of him or read any of his self absorbed work.
Despite having taken his hard coin, AND having tried to inculate him into the Cult of Coke Zero that self-righteous, whinging spule of quill Scalzi still hasn’t had the decency to pimp Marko Kloos’ blog over at http://munchkinwrangler.wordpress.com/ . Not even once. And I know the poor sod’s been jonesing rotten for that sleek, black canister of Liquid Crack that Scalzi shoved down his neck.
Shun. Shun. I’m shunning hard here. Shunetty shun shun shun. Shun.
Mr. John Scalzi I name you for the heartless ingrate that you are. You sell a few books after working decades with the written word and you won’t even check out the fabulous writing of a few of my friends like:
Nerine Dorman a marvelous South African writer whose novel Khepera Rising is being published by Lyrical Press and whose live journal is at: http://nerinedorman.livejournal.com/
Or Colum Paget, a British writer and C Hacker whose blog can be found at: http://www.thesingularitysucks.blogspot.com
Or Terry Kidd, a British writer whose blog can be found at http://terry-kidd.blogspot.com/
Or Cat Hellisen a South African novelist working towards getting published whose blog can be found at: http://www.cathellisen.com/
Or Nasrullah Anwar a British author whose website can be found at: http://www.trollking.co.uk
Nope, now that you have reached lofty heights you wouldn’t dream of talking one eensy weensy peek at their word craftings or mine that can be found at: http://www.thestarsarenotmadeoffire.blogspot.com
I hope that your synonym finder always falls open to the same page!
I just know the reason my house hasn’t sold yet is because of evil Scalzi vibes from Ohio. And I haven’t sold any artwork lately either. Yeah… all Scalzi’s fault. He’s a selfish pustule, only thinking about himself. He would help another person if his life depended on it.
Not only do the folks at Magical Words offer advice, they know what they’re talking about.
Lives in Ohio.
Takes out the trash without being asked.
Has a wife who buys him safety scissors.
His dog babysits him.
Watches the dryer for the dramatic tension.
Is the most ordinary man in the world.
That bigoted, elitist jerk Scalzi, he utterly refuses to take the merest of glances at my free online serial fantasy novel, Chatoyant College.
I’m going to have to go with MarkHB here and shun. Shun the nonbeliever! Shuuuuuun!
Scalzi, thou art a stony adversary, an inhuman wretch, uncapable of pity, void and empty from any dram of mercy. Vile worm, you were overlooked even in thy birth. All the infections that the sun sucks up from bogs, fens, flats, from Scalzi fall.
Would it hurt him to post a link to this fabulous photographer, jikido-san?
But no, he is deformed, crooked, old and sere, ill faced, worse bodied, shapeless everywhere, vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind, stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
There’s many a man hath more hair than wit, and we see where Scalzi falls in that continuum. Fie, Scalzi, fie, for thy merciless persecution of innocent amateurs everywhere!
(special thanks to WS for inspiration)
John, you mean, heartless, feckless worm, how dare you allow others to make you who you are without reaching out and mentioning that Mary Robinette Kowal’s first collection of short fiction comes out this fall from Subterranean Press or that Elizabeth Bear and Emma Bull (and others) are putting out some of the best short fiction on the market online for free with Shadow Unit. I thought Mary and Bear were your friends! I bet that wasn’t even your cat that you put the bacon on.
Scalzi? You need to get an iPhone, man. Seriously. How else would you experience the wonder that is Story Tracker, the fantastic submission tracking app for writers I’ve finely crafted over many months, slaving over a hot keyboard.
Ok, fine. You want to stick with your blueberry or whatever that thing is. I understand, strange tastes and all that. But what do you play your music on in your downtime at cons? Don’t you even have an iPod touch? Story Tracker runs on those too, you know.
What’s that? None of the above? What about your readers, eh? Surely they’d be interested in such an app? Point ’em toward http://andrewnicolle.com/storytracker and they can see what all the fuss is about.
Sheesh, man. Get with the times! You write your skiffy and consult for the tv shows, but you don’t keep up with the latest technology. There’s really no helping some people, is there? ;)
Scalzi is a cruel in a premediated way. By posting about Ariel, which I bought decades ago, I remembered I was now stressfully waiting for Boyett’s Elegy Beach. Scalzi just had to pick at the emptiness of my soul which will only be filled by 7 weeks of waiting.
/Architect of Sleep was nice but wrong universe if I remember (’86)
Well, it’s about damn time!
You can find every bit of publishable fiction I’ve ever written here
Just got another rejection from an agent.
I know this is Scalzi’s fault. He wouldn’t read my book and is clearly jealous of my talent.
That dude is black listing me.
Such a bastard.
Wouldn’t think twice about strangling kittens if I put the links up to 3 of my own CD’s of handmade music.
BTW: If everyone would get together and demand that the publishers reissue these three books, I’d be much obliged. There’s got to be someone who needs to learn Turbo C 2.0!
Oh, oh, Scalzi you are a bad man. Bad men put bacon on cats and they never help to promote the wonderful writings of people like my friend Tom Waters who writes science fiction. Yup, science fiction. Not like you have ever heard of that between tormenting cats with bacon and baking Schadenfreude Pie.
Tom’s website is at http://www.tomlwaters.com/
Scalzi, what can I say but state the obvious?
1.It’s obvious that you’re heartless: you haven’t mentioned anywhere that my new book will be launched next month. The fact that you don’t know about it is no excuse.
2. It’s obvious that you’re oblivious to the pain of others. Unlike me – I write about ants and dangerous mirrors and middle-aged public servants. I am a sensitive writer who writes about the horror of being in an Australian fantasy novel with no sword and no magic formulae. You, you have never written about an Australian public servant in your life and you’re oblivious to the fantasy, the horror and the pain. Come to think of it, your writing is a bit short on swords, too. You’re not only oblivious to the pain of others, you make it sad for fans when they want to come to cons dressed as one of your characters. Swords are important.
3. You don’t know where Culcairn is. Obviously you are evil incarnate. Culcairn is where Eneit Press is, and Eneit Press is publishing Life through Cellophane. It’s also the next town along from Holbrook, which has a real submarine in its town park. These are big landmarks in the Australian bush (especially the submarine). In fact, if you’re running out of petrol (gas), they’re crucial landmarks if you don’t feel like walking a hundred miles. This is why you’re eveil incarnate – by not knowing and not communicating, you are forcing people to walk that hundred miles when they could ring my publisher and say “Scalzi sent me. He knows Gillian. We’re only a hundred miles away. Can you give us a tow please?”
I don’t see you as a heartless person. You paid your dues to get where you are as a writer, you knocked on the doors. I seem to remember Heinlein stating something similar in his letters about time and impositions on his writing time.
I’m actually surprised that you and Brin maintain blogs.
Scalzi’s so cool, he probably wouldn’t EVER go to Seattle, which, as we all know, has the HIGHEST concentration of nerdgassing douchebags.
No, wait, he sucks, that’s it. And he already IS a nerdgassing douchebag. So, even if he DID make it to Seattle, he’d never DREAM of visiting my fine used bookstore, Ophelia’s Books, in Seattle’s nerdgassiest ‘hood, Fremont.
So I have this thing. It’s a creative commons licensed roleplaying game called Terminus Est. I’m blogging the development at my site, http://www.machineageproductions.com/. The problem is, there’s this guy named Scalzi who could probably help me out by letting me pimp it on his site.
That guy, Scalzi, is a self-centered jerk though. If he really cared about his fans, he’d give them an opportunity to really let their creativity shine. He’s gone through all the motions, he got an agent, he’s gotten published. Why can’t he help the little guy? Oh yeah, because he hates the little guy. Every little guy who gets successful is one less little guy left to buy his crap.
Screw you, Scalzi.
Well, we all know that John has been nominated and even won a few awards for his works. (My God, he talks about them often enough… the smug bastard.) But what many don’t know is that Mr. Scalzi doesn’t like to share the fame. He can be quite the prick about other authors and their “little books.” Let me tell you about our recent conversation.
We were talking about SF, naturally, and his books in particular (one of his favorite topics) when I pointed out to him that there are other authors who have won awards too. He shook his head and muttered something uncharitable about Neil Gaiman and The Graveyard Book that I couldn’t quite catch and attempted to steer us back onto Zoe’s Tale. I ignored his “let’s talk more about me” attempt and went on to tell him about the web site I built that covers all the award nominated novels for Hugo, Nebula, Campbell, PKD plus 6 other major awards. Your visitors might be interested in checking it out at http://www.WorldsWithoutEnd.com.
He said, “Are MY books on this site of yours?” Of course they are. “ONLY my books?” Well, no. There are over 1,400 books by 500 authors so far. “Uh, huh.” Yeah, it’s pretty cool really. We’ve got synopses and excerpts for the books, author and publisher info… “Well, it sounds interesting…” …plus a ton of other features like listings for conventions, magazines and podcasts and many custom tools that can help you find a good book to read. You can even track your reading history and see which of the award winning books you’re read and which you’ve missed… “Well, like I said, it sounds interesting… but I don’t think my minions would be into a site that’s not solely about me and I certainly don’t want to remind them that there are other authors out there they might like to try!” Well, uhhh… I think they probably already know about other authors like Gaiman… “OK, I was trying to be nice but now you’ve just pissed me off. Screw you and your awesome site. I’ll never mention http://www.WorldsWithoutEnd.com on my site! So take your little web site – with your 10 different awards and 500 authors and thousands of books and shove it where the sun don’t shine!” Now wait just a minute! I don’t think there’s any reason… “I don’t care what you think. It could be the best web site ever devoted to SF novels, hell, it probably is, but my people won’t hear about it from me, I can promise you that!” He then stomped off in a huff leaving me speechless.
I guess I’ll never get to see http://www.WorldsWithoutEnd.com on Whatever. Pity, he’s such a jealous git. Let this be a warning to you other folks who try to get a plug from Scalzi.
I’m not clever enough to write my own angry message, so I’ll steal part of #56: “DAMN YOU, SCALZI, YOU EVIL SONOFABITCH!”
That being said, check out The Story’s Story, a blog about books, literature, life, and (sometimes) keyboards.
One time in college, after my regular physics lab class was over, the TA and I stayed after so he could walk me through the derivation of the Planck Units.
In about fifteen minutes I realized that the smallest possible increment of space is 10^-35m. Below this point, distance has no meaning in our universe. Then I just sort of stood there for a while, and wondered how in the hell I was supposed to be motivated enough to care about anything ever again.
You know who wasn’t there to help me through my existential dilemma?
However, the EMBARRASSINGLY SUPERIOR HUMAN BEING known as NEIL deGRASSE TYSON who is so NICE that he makes FRED ROGERS seem like a RAPACIOUS HILL BUMPKIN has a show where he talks about SCIENCE and SHIT!
Fact: Neil deGrasse Tyson will let ANYONE give him a BEAR HUG and he smells like CINNAMON! Also, the hug will have the MAXIMUM allowed amount of love that a single human being can contain.
Oh man, that John Scalzi. That man ate my dog yesterday. He ate my dog yesterday in a pressed Cuban sandwich. I don’t even own a dog, but he bought me a cute little puppy, then proceeded to make a sandwich of it, just to deter me from posting about Kyle Cassidy’s photo project from this summer, the Hive.
In fact, Scalzi is so deplorable that he threatened to buy me a kitten if I used his blog to post about that. Buy me a kitten and make a KLT out of it. Yeah. The “LT” stands for lettuce and tomato. Think about it.
How dare he go to such lengths to deny us space on his blog!
Scalzi, you nadir of human decency! You exemplar of all that’s wrong with society, today! If you’d just let me share a slide show of my nature photography, like this –
– or let me link to my website, like this –
– I’d bring everyone to a state of oneness with nature, and change the world back into Eden. The lion would lie down with the lamb! But you’d never dare post my URLs. Now that you’re a Once-ler in bed with the Illuminati, the Rothschilds, and Freemasons, you’d do anything to keep the poor nature photographer down. Damn you, Scalzi! Damn you to an eternity of Will Smith special effects blockbusters, hand-coding website redesigns, and dancing the Macarena. I fart in your general direction!
You are such a puppy kicking, baby candy liberated bastard Scalzi. (Incidentally how DARE you not spend every waking moment of your life writing more OMW universe books, it’s like you break into my house at night and urinate on me in my sleep so I wake up in the morning and think I wet the bed).
I bet you won’t even let me tell the world that I read The Graveyard Book last week and it was even better than I thought it was going to be and even though I’m a jaded 30 year old who was a teenager through grunge and pretends not to have feelings it made me cry on a train full of people. Many of whom snuck glances at the book that was making this giant bearded man cry so they could read it.
So, how (caps are for emphasis FYI) DARE YOOOOU!!!!111!!1!!
I will be happy to read your science fiction screenplay/manuscript/unpublished novel. You know, since John Scalzi is a big greasy fist full of stale auk vomit and a total selfish bastard.
Those ladder chunks weren’t useless. They can be burned to cook tins of beans on a cold rainy night. You were doing those people a favor.
Unless it was an aluminum ladder.
Damnit, Scalzi! You won’t let me pimp my plays, some of which are available for free download at
Also, I have been inspired by your example and am working on my first novel, and because of it I HAVE NO NEW PLAYS TO PIMP AND IT WILL BE A WHILE BEFORE I CAN PIMP THE NOVEL AT WHICH POINT I WILL THREATEN TO TAPE MORE BACON TO YOUR CAT SO I CAN HAVE A “BIG IDEA” SLOT, DAMNIT!
Thank you for your time.
Damn it Scalzi! I know the truth! You’re about as evil and threatening in your private life as a stuffed Pikachu toy! You won’t let me pimp you the link to the site where you can buy one, because you’re afraid your wife will catch you with it and realise how warm and fuzzy your heart truly is!
We all know you write brutal science fiction but dread every deadline because you’d rather write about rainbows and puppies which the cruel hard-sci-fi industry denies you the ability to create!
You’re hugging a teddy bear right now aren’t you? AREN’T YOU? And I bet you donate money to orphanages… you sneaky little angel you!
Scalzi stole my red Bic pen in Montreal. I saw him signing autographs with it the morning after it went missing. Then, if things couldn’t have gotten any worse, he deliberately misspelled his name in my new Zoe hardcover, thereby nulling its resell value. I just stood there glaring at him as he slurped nonchalantly on his Coke Zero. When I politely asked for my pen back, he smirked.
“Scales is my pen name,” he said. “Now run along, Philippe Bozo[n]!”
I was forcibly removed from Anticipation, escorted to Montréal-Pierre Elliott Trudeau International Airport, and deported from the country without my personal belongings.
A Scalzi fanfic writer, I no longer am.
John Scalzi is well know for his attempts to suppress all music that isn’t by Night Ranger.
In particular any NEW spaghetti western music like that by Black Christmas at
The tragedy of these shamless self promoters piggybacking on the traffic of a cruel bastard (or “Basterd” as Brad Pitt would say). Why waste time here when your eyeballs really lust for the wacky shenanigans over at http:www.thelintscreen.com (see why it’s the #1 blog of people who know their asses from their elbows)
[Deleted because I am increasingly finding not_scottbot to be a tiresome troll — JS]
OHHH – I do have something to pimp.
AND IT’S ALL SCALZI’S FAULT!!!!!!!!!!
It’s getting close to Halloween season again , and the coolest pumpkin carving website is giving away free patterns: http://www.extremepumpkins.com
NO THANKS TO SCALZI!!!!!!!!!
I just started a new blog. Feel free to check it out if you like talking about sports, especially baseball.
John Scalzi is so mean he creates death panels just to keep people from promoting stuff on his public blog. Anything he can do to not help people as fortunate as the great Mr Scalzi is he does.
Having said that, Ill go crawl back into my hole as I have nothing of my own to promote. All the while knowing I tried to be witty and probably failed.
Scalzi, as we all know, is a heartless bastard, and most certainly would not let me make mention that the excellent band that provided the soundtrack to my college experience, The Badlees, are once again coming out of semi-retirement and obscurity to release a new record next month, titled Love Is Rain, because clearly, they once switched the channel when Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” came on the radio, and I once saw them play eight bars of “Sister Christian” between sets in some dive watering hole one time in the early 90s.
Certainly, he’d have no interest in listening to the live streaming version of the song “Radio at Night” on their website, because the lyrics mention neither bacon or Steve Perry.
I hate John Scalzi. He is the worst type of author. Sometimes, when he replies to me, a single lowly fan, he pretends to be polite, but know that he actually has a heart filled with darkness. He hates aspiring authors so much, he won’t ever let me tell you about how I’ve posted the first few chapters of my first novel online for your sci-fi reading pleasure. I’m sure he’ll delete the following link as soon as his big fat greasy eyes notice it.
Damn, John! You’re not aiming high enough or (low enough depending on your point of view). Not only have you prevented me and thousands of others from writing the Great American Novel; you could be preventing us from discovering a cure for cancer, ending starvation and wars, and developing FTL travel. What’s wrong with you?
BTW Ghlaghghee would make an excellent henchfeline to your Bond villain at your secret hideout in Ohio.
John Scalzi also hates independent bookstores. He gnashes his teeth at the very thought of any of us poking over to http://indiebound.org and buying any of the books mentioned on this thread (or, god forbid, any of his) from our local independent bookstores.
Rise up! I say! Rise up and buy some books to show you won’t be intimidated by that heartless bastard Scalzi!
Scalzi is mean and nasty and won’t let me tell people about my friend Patrice Sarath’s new novel Red Gold Bridge, because he is heinous and hates horses. Also, he used the power of his brain to ensure that Amazon.com will do something today that pisses me off, and he waved his little toe to create a traffic jam making me late to work, and he mind-controlled the mold spores in my refrigerator making them grow faster on the leftover casserole I actually wanted to eat, and in conclusion, Scalzi is everything that I scorn and a big ol’ poopyhead.
Way down here at #197, so I’m sure no one will read this, but…
While it’s inconsiderate to ask an established writer to critique your manuscript as a free favor, it is totally classy and professional to offer to PAY an established writer for a critique. Lately, several talented, successful writers have started up web writing projects in an acknowledged attempt to improve their financial situation. These are tough times. I can’t speak for anyone in particular, but it is not insulting to contact an author and offer to pay for some private criticism and mentorship (as long as you understand that such is neither a direct nor an indirect route to publication). Probably a lot of people asking for free critiques would never dream of paying for one, but I thought I would throw the idea out there on the off chance it might be useful to someone.
Because Scalzi had the nerve to promote WWW: WAKE, I am now completely addicted to the works of Robert J. Sawyer and cannot sleep until they have all been read.
And I am sleepy. So very sleepy.
(Also, I’m at twitter.com/stevii and Scalzi has dared to reply to two of my comments recently – just because they have @scalzi in front of them DOESN’T MEAN THEY ARE ANY OF YOUR DARN BUSINESS, SCALZI! MIND YOUR OWN BEE’S WAX!!)
And another thing:
I’m trying to win a trip to Antarctica, in a contest requiring people to vote for me –
Normally, Scalzi wields his powers as a writer, with *CONTACTS IN THE BUSINESS*, to get anybody who asks him for any kind of favor banished to Antarctica. But when that favor actually IS for a little bit of help getting to Antarctica? Then Scalzi refuses to grant even the tiniest snippet of promotional space in his comment section.
I can hear his sickening chortle from here.
I can’t resist recommending one of my favorite new books and new authors: THE DEMON’S LEXICON, by SARAH REES BRENNAN. You’ll likely find it in the juvenile section, but it is really well done, and well worth reading. I can’t say anything more about it for fear of risking spoilers! There are some VERY interesting twists: I’ll watch for more of her work. Thanks, John, for the opportunity to mention her!
Mike Spinak @ 200:
Despite the machinations of the fargin bastage Scalzi, attempting to restrain the movement of my fingers via telekinesis all the way from Ohio, I have voted for you to go to Antartica. It wasn’t easy, and I sustained critical injury in the process, but I did it. Because I believe in you, man!
Now you’ve got to get that brother of yours to mosey over here and fight Rat Bastard Scalzi for the right to pimp CompuNerds to Scalzi’s Los Angeles readers. It may require a fight of heretofore unimagined ferocity, but I believe that Larry can prevail.
Oh, I am lamentably late to the fun!
John, you are such a shrivel-hearted, emotionally stunted, cruelty-savoring GOAT-MAN that you would NEVER let me tell all these good people how much fun Rachel Brady’s debut mystery novel, Final Approach really is and how much it will enrich their lives, regrow their hair and get their first-born into the Ivy League school of their choice!
Scalzi has not only not been helping me out, even though I am a nice guy and hardly crazy at all when I take my meds, he’s been actively surpressing knowledge of awesome webcomic The Assignment, because he lives in fear of it’s awesomeosity.
Go, read The Assignment, a comedy/scifi/horror tale about slacker hitmen, snake worshipping inbreds and how only rock and roll can save the world. Do it to show Scalzi what’s what.
John Scalzi. No, sorry. Never heard the name. What is he, like, an actor or something? Anyway, all I know is that Tim Arnold, erstwhile self-styled rock superstar, gave me this link and said, “This guy’s a f|cking tool but you? You are simply wonderful.” In this, too, he was correct.
Satisfied? Super. Now, let’s talk about me. Short version: I am like a god to you. I wrote a book. I called it Ainadamar. It is a work of colossal awesomeness. Read the following and marvel at my authoriality. Ness. Be careful. It requires a 12th-grade reading level.
When the slow decay of the universe starts suddenly speeding up and the eventual end of creation is looking more like, oh, say Sunday,
mysterious messengers decide to reveal the location of a long-lost sacred text to a space-faring vampire.
In my satirical novel “Ainadamar,” Prince Ivan Stratsimir of Krăn’s family motto — one which has also functioned perfectly well as the motto of the Madrugada, the ship he commands — translates roughly as “It’s All About the Benjamins.” So a divine charge to find and employ the “Enchiridion” is met with some ambivalence, especially since it may mean his death. Again. With the help of a crew of fellow temporal refugees — the chain mail-clad Red Mona, a mountebank, a cowboy named Slim, a feline engineer, a cephalopodan ship’s surgeon and Stanislaus, the Madrugada’s shape-shifting chef — Stratsimir must make his way across half a universe and a handful of centuries to find and use this cross between a scripture, a spell-book and a computer operating system and fix the form of the created worlds. Along the way, they have to fight, avoid, trick and bribe everyone from religious extremists who believe sin can only be destroyed by reversing the Big Bang, a galactic empire that makes those chumps in Star Wars look like a Canadian provincial transportation subcommittee, super funky space banditos and an army of zombies.
I have published poetry and prose in 3:AM, Exquisite Corpse, Gloom Cupboard, BlazeVox, Good Foot, SPSM&H, the University of Michigan Department of Modern Greek Studies Cavafy Forum, Asian American Times, Timberline, Bluelawn, DADA, Catalyst, Emergency Horse, Big Talk and elsewhere. My plays have been produced at the New City New Playwrights Festival, Northwest Playwrights Festival, The Marsh, Doc’s Clock and other venues. As a journalist, I have written for Newsweek, Los Angeles Times, San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco Bay Guardian, Reuters, National Post and others. I am a founding member of the Big Time Poetry Theatre, a West Coast U.S. performance group, and the Committee to Protect Bloggers.
BOW BEFORE ME! (l-love m-me . . . ?)
I don’t see how Scalzi gets off by not helping others. So what if some wannabe writers need a little break to get into the industry? Who cares if Scalzi won’t even lift his little finger? I don’t care. Big deal! You know why? I don’t help others either! You don’t see me bragging about it. Jesus H. Christ, what an asshole.
P.S. to my main man John: Hey, when I finally finish writing my grand historical epic play, the one that’s all unconventional with regards to act structure and has a heavy emphasis on historical accuracy (besides all the made-up characters), you’ll take a look at the script, right? There’s a pal!
I want to second Joe Sherry @164:
How could you not have told me about ShadowUnit, Scalzi? It’s the best TV show I’ve ever read!!! Gorramit Scalzi, they’re almost done with SEASON TWO and I’m still reading season one, because you FAILED to mention this AWESOME show EVER!!!!
I would just like to say that the state of current music has been greatly diminished by the revisionist attitude of those such as Scalzi. Here is a web site to correct his hair band, girl by a guy vocal standards. Enjoy (or be incorrect). http://www.one-track-mind.com
It is of course well known that Mr. Scalzi is a lyin’, cheatin’, backstabbin’, double-dealin’, larcenous COWARDLY perverted worm who would never, under any circumstances, discuss the fact that *MY* newest novel, Grand Central Arena, is coming out on April 27th, 2010, or that the sequel to Boundary, Threshold, will come out a month or so later!
Yeah – and he won’t even pimp a web comic which features him as a character! Where he’s busy turning into, something else!
I didn’t want to say it before, but I DO think it a little jerky that you haven’t mentioned cul de sac, the best comic strip being drawn today. If this were the hayday of newpapers, people would be talking about him in the same breath with Bill Watterson of Calvin and Hobbes fame. But since you destroyed the newspaper industry out of sheer, uh, evilness, people don’t know about it.
and it is pretty crummy that you didn’t anticipate my needing to know how to paste in a link and contact me for a private tutorial. Selfish, you know?
I didn’t want to mention it before.
Damn you, Scalzi.
Your stupid comment thread is so long and overtaxed no one is ever going to even GET TO READ MY SELFISH AGGRANDIZING PLEA to READ MY BOOKS!
I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH OF A JERK YOU ARE! I am the 200-and-somethingth freakin comment! WHO IS GOING TO SEE THIS?!?!?!?!
THANKS FOR NOTHING YOU F-ING TOOL!
Scalzi, you are such a lameass that I’ve not only had to read all the way through this interminable thread, enjoying the gleeful abuse, but I even had to go back to it the next day just to see if I missed anything. It’s all your fault that I’m not using my time in a more productive fashion. My toenails are getting longer, and I’m reading this shite instead of cutting them! You bastard!
John Scalzi is like what Hitler would be like if Hitler, instead of hating Jews, gypsies and homosexuals, hated people who wanted to pimp my MUD, Lost Souls, and my goofy quotes site.
Scalzi hates all good things, cause he’s just that kind of guy. He doesn’t deserve to live in Ohio.
Scalzi is the reason we’ve got that idiot Strickland as governor. Another reason to send Scalzi to Iran or some other place that hates us. How long will it be before they self-destruct like Columbus?
Do you know how much pleasure it gives me to pimp Day By Day because I know Scalzi will hate it?
Who is this Scalzi person anyway?
Well, at least I was first to make the mistake of posting my reply on LiveJournal. :)
John Scalzi, you fiend, how could you sink so low as to deny me the opportunity to pimp the Interstitial Arts Foundation‘s the upcoming auction to raise money in support of the IAF, which, as you know, John Scalzi, “is a not-for-profit organization dedicated to the study, support, and promotion of interstitial art: literature, music, visual and performance art found in between categories and genres – art that crosses borders.”
And even worse, you’d deny me the chance to show the world the one-of-a-kind fabulous work of functional bookmark-art that will be available to bid on in that auction:
The Child Empress of Mars, (based on a story of the same name, by Theodora Goss) in her natural habitat, at rest between the pages of a book.
Scalzi is a heartless douche who does not care to promote a book that is soon to be published where part of the proceeds go to the scientific search for the treatment and cure of Lupus.
He is also a bastard that does not care to share Geeky Pleasures beyond his own.
@125 yes you have soul…
AND I WANT IT BACK!!!
Scalzi is so busy off helping out at VP that he has no time whatsoever to show you how AWESOME my t-shirt design is.
Ahem! Help a fellow Whateverite out and vote on my chameleonmind design at Threadless:
What a cute little guy!
Scalzi is so heartless, he didn’t even tell me about his no-pimping thread until I saw it linked by a friend two days later, just so I wouldn’t be able to share the link to my new small press, where we will publish multicultural fantasy and science fiction novels for children and young adults. And he wouldn’t want me to share the link to our Kickstarter campaign either.
@Stacy #223–How synchronistic! I just finished reading a paper by Tyler Chadwick in which you were quoted. The new press looks great; I just made a pledge. Good luck!
Thanks, Luisa! Wow, I had no idea someone had quoted me.
Scalzi, you goddamn rotten sumuvabitch! Not because you ever turned me down nothin’ (’cause why the fuck should I ask you for anything??), but because reading this blog and all these comments caused me to snort hot coffee out my nose. And it hurts, man, hurts bad.
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Do you have any points or suggestions? Appreciate