In Which Dad Goes Crazy With Photoshop and This Year’s School Picture

There you are. No, I don’t have a deadline. I can fiddle in Photoshop without one, you know.

25 Comments on “In Which Dad Goes Crazy With Photoshop and This Year’s School Picture”

  1. I like the version in the lower left the best. I think that artist is clearly superior to the other three.

  2. …wait, are denim jackets in again? I still have mine from high school (genuine Levi Strauss brand, even!), and this may mean I can hand it on to one of my kids with a clear conscience.

  3. luisaperkins – I write speculative fiction, specifically contemporary dark-ish fantasy. I've been married for nearly 20 years to Patrick, an absolute prince of a man. We live with our six lovely children and an insane cat in New York's Hudson Highlands. My passions include reading, gardening, knitting, cooking, eating, and musicking.
    Luisa Perkins

    Denim jackets are definitely back in. My teenager has been wearing mine for several weeks.

    Old Man’s Warhol! LOVE IT.

    (And she’s a cutie, Scalzi. Git you a shotgun now.)

  4. “No, I don’t have a deadline. I can fiddle in Photoshop without one, you know.”

    John, the first step to addressing a Photoshop problem is admitting you have one.

    And I vote for “Warhalzi.” Sounds like a hip industrial techno group from the mid-nineties.

  5. changterhune – Before you hear lies from Chang Terhune himself, we thought we’d tell you the truth: without us, his old action figures, he’d be nowhere. He loved science fiction from way back and began reading it at an early age, but it was through us that he acted it all out. That’s what led to the writing. He watched a lot of science fiction shows like Star Trek, U.F.O, and movies, too. But we were always there to do his bidding. And it’s like they say: you always forget about the little people on your way up. Oh, the 70’s and early 80’s with him were good times! He’d use these blocks and make all the crazy buildings for us to be in his stories. I gotta say the kid’s imagination was pretty damn fertile. Oh, he had friends, but they just weren’t into it like him. He was like the Lance Armstrong of action figures. And of science fiction. At first, when he began writing in the eighth grade, we didn’t mind. He still made time for us. And we knew that when he was holding us in his sweaty little hands and he got that far off look in his eye, he’d come back to burying us in the back yard or - god forbid! – blowing us up with firecrackers. But it was worth it for a part in one of those stories. We loved him for it. He kept us around even when we were minus a leg or two - or even a head. In that mind of his, he found a use for all of us. Then he discovered girls. October, 1986. It was like the end of the world. One day we’re standing in the middle of this building block creation he’d pretended was some marble city on a planet near Alpha Centauri and the next we were stuck in a box in the closet. Not even a “See ya later!” Nope, it was into the closet, then we heard some high-pitched girly-giggles then silence. We didn’t see him for years. We got word about him once in a while. Heard he took up writing, but it was crap like “The Breakfast Club” only with better music. We couldn’t believe it. Not Charlie. What happened to those aliens with heads he’d sculpted out of wax? Spaceships? Those complex plots? All gone. For what? You guessed it: Girls. Emotions. “Serious fiction.” I tell you, it was like hearing Elvis had left the building. During our two decade exile in the closet, we heard other things about him. He went to college. He wrote a lot, but not much he really liked. We knew it even then. It was like he didn’t dare write science fiction. Some of us had lost hope and just lay there. Others kept vigil, hoping for a day we didn’t dare speak about. Then we heard he’d stopped writing in 1996. Did he come to reclaim us? No. He took up music for ten years or so. He took up yoga. Once in a while, he’d visit us in the closet. But it was half-hearted. His mind was elsewhere. Then one day, he really did come back for us. One second we’re in the dark and the next thing we know we’re in a car headed for Massachusetts. Suddenly we got a whole shelf to ourselves out in broad daylight! Then he bought a bunch of others form some planet called Ebay. He’d just sit and stare at us with that old look. But why were we suddenly back in the picture? He had a wife now, who didn’t mind that he played with us. So what had happened? Turns out he’d never forgotten about those stories. He’d been thinking about all of us and the stories he’d made up and then remembered he’d been a writer once. From the shelf we could see him typing away. Before long he’s got a whole novel together! Then he’s working on another one. Word is there are two more in the planning stages! Some short stories, too! It’s good to see him using his imagination again. Its good to know he never abandoned us. He returned to his true love of science fiction. We hear the stories are pretty good. Someday we’ll get one of the cats to score us a copy of the manuscript. Man, it’s good to be out of the damn closet! --- I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me I'm smarter than you I'm harder than you I'm better than you I'm just raw I'm hotter than you More popular than you More clever than you And goshdarn it, people like me
    Chang, who should be writing

    Cute kid. Looks happy, too.

    PhotoShop diddlery always works best WHEN combined with a deadline, though.

  6. anotherdamnedmedievalist – I'm a medievalist. I teach. I try to research. I write about academia, life, and cats. I'm starting to believe I might fit in with the smart, cool medievalists, but I have a hard time not feeling like a fangirl when I'm with them. Contact me at: another_damned_medievalistATSIGNhotmailDOTcom
    Another Damned Medievalist

    You *do* have a really lovely family. Speaking of which, we have not seen the pets lately…

  7. You got your pix already? We just had ours. The kids informed me they were taken after lunch. So much for combed hair and unstained shirts. Sigh. Warholing them is probably the solution.

  8. Remember, John. One day you will be old and feeble. One day she will be an adult and have access to much better software.

    And on that day, she will have her revenge.

  9. Steve @ 18

    I think this is why John semi-frequently has at himself with the Liquefy brush. It’s like making a self-deprecating joke before anyone else can put you down.

  10. Once again, Scalzi is contributing to women’s body issues by photoshopping them.

    Girls around the world are painting themselves orange or black and white or pixelated to look like Athena.

    Don’t try pulling this crap in France. There will be laws soon. *shakes fist*

  11. She’s a cutie! I love messing around with effects in Photoshop, haha. My favorite is the one that turns it black with a “crayon” neonish outline around stuff, it’s fun. ;P

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