Meanwhile, On Instant Message, The Truth Emerges

My Friend Bill: Ahoy John — very quick question for you, as a man who is well-informed on a wide variety of topics, if you don’t mind.

Me: Fire away!

Bill: An apt response, because the question is:
What sort of ordnance is fired from pie-mounted artillery?

Me: Hmmm.

Bill: My feeling is that the answer is “delicious ordnance.”

Me: Well, that does depend on the pie, now, doesn’t it.

Bill: And probably upon the individual tastes of the target.

Me: I was thinking the German for it might be “Meringuenflak”.

Bill: The Germans undoubtedly attempted it when traditional materials for constructing and arming artillery became scarce toward the end of the war.

Me: Who can forget the Marzipan Panzers of April 1945?

Bill: Or the “marzipanzers” as they naturally came to be known.

Me: Yes. At least until the rains came.

Bill: The death toll was terrible.
Though most of it came years later, in the form of complications from diabetes.

Me: Well, and of course the fact that the collapse of the German forces around Berlin was actually a sugar crash.
This is the secret and flavorful history of WWII, which we must witness to the world.

Bill: The truth will no longer be suppressed.

22 Comments on “Meanwhile, On Instant Message, The Truth Emerges”

  1. And somewhere on that great cable channel in the sky, Graham Chapman is laughing.

    Actually, he’s dressed in a British military uniform saying, “Now see here. We’ll have none of this suggesting that World War II was fought with pastry and whipped cream. What utter nonsense! And don’t let me catch you saying ‘It’s a man’s life,’ or I shall come back and tie you all to the comfy chair.”

    Followed by several harumphs, John Cleese announcing something completely different, and Terry Jones playing a Hammond organ in the nude.

    Well, not complete nude. He does wear a tie.

  2. Soupy Sales – A capricorn & also the King of the Pie-in-the-Face gag. Which, (by-the-by), R.A.Wilson claims to have deep psychological roots in the Chimps-Throwing-Crap-@-Each-Other Phenomena.
    {Illuminati Trilogy}

  3. Of course the Soviets had another advantage in 1945 in that their black bread was both hard and useful as a distraction to starving German troops. Those it didn’t kill, it fed. The clever American use of firing K rations allowed for a heavy bombardment and putting their supplies ahead of their infantry while frustrating German troops, who didn’t have can openers. The British didn’t engage in this food battle because they realized that nobody, even their own troops, wants to eat British food. The French simply used American K rations on the Germans and held back their own, more palatable food for themselves.

  4. I just finished (finally) “The Atrocity Archives” mere minutes ago. I like this alternate history better.

  5. Interesting side-note, doing a search on “pie mounted artillery” links back to Whatever.

    Those Google robots are frighteningly fast.

  6. Actually, the proper term for the German pie-mounted artillery of WWII was Kuchenabwehrkanone, or KaK. The 8.8 cm Kak 45, or “Dutch Apple 88”, was feared by Allied tank crews for its ability to fling a high-velocity apfelkuchen over 2000 meters. However, Hitler’s insistence on using it in the offensive cream-pie mode (“bayerischekuchenabwehr”) to which it was ill-suited limited its impact on the outcome of the war.

    Ironically, the most widely used US pie-mounted artillery of WWII, the M2 75mm Gun known as the “Shoofly,” was an adaptation of a German design.

  7. I still say the Soviet 85 mm pie-gun, which could fire the deadly Kulebyaka, when mounted on the T-34 pie crust was the premiere pastry platform of the war. The earlier T-34s with the smaller 76.2 mm guns that were limited to spitting Ponchiki donuts at the oncoming Hun hordes were far less impressive.

  8. Oh, the Shoofly wasn’t a very effective gun, but there were so many of them. The bakeries of the American Midwest were converted on a massive scale to a war footing. Nabisco alone produced over 5,000 M2 75mm Shooflies in a factory that during peacetime made Ritz Crackers.

  9. What is less well known as that the Frisbee got it’s start when artillerymen started tossing ammunition shells around when they got bored between missions.

  10. Okay, so I got a good chuckle out of “marzipanzer” (although I have to admit I went there as soon as I saw marzipan panzer, and of course knowing the German penchant for jammingalltheirwordstogether), I don’t think marzipan counts as pie. Yes, I’m splitting hairs.

    Perhaps mincemeat pie was England’s ordnance of choice? It was originally made of almost-spoiled meat. It might help explain the Battle of Britain.

  11. That helps put an end to the mystery behind the infamous line from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Now that’ll put marzipan in your pie-plate, Bingo!”

    I guess all that’s left is proving Fermat’s Last Theorem, and Science(tm) is done. Awesome.

  12. Sadly, history fails to record any successful mountings of the armor-piercing Granatsplitter atop a combat pie.

  13. Not being a military-history buff, I assumed “pi-mounted” artillery was an irrational caliber.

  14. If you’re about to be hit in the face with a pie, there are a couple of important things to remember.

    1. Don’t take it on the chin. Lean into the pie with your forehead. Otherwise, bits of pie may end up squishing up your nose.

    2. Close your eyes. Yes, even if you wear glasses. Bits of pie shrapnel will bounce off of your cheek, off of the insides of your glasses, and stick on your eyelashes. Do note that wearing glasses will protect you from at least a bit of the pie-in-the-eye, so if you have a bit of advance warning consider leaving them on if you’ve got a spare pair.