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Once Upon a Time Judy Blume’s 401(k) Went Belly Up and George Lucas Wanted to Help

For certain values of “help,” mind you.

No, I don’t know what Judy Blume did to deserve me doing this to her. George Lucas, of course, is another story.

Try to imagine the text! No, you know what, on second thought, don’t.

Also, no, I don’t have a deadline today. I just woke up with this in my head and knew that unless I inflicted it on all of you, it would never leave me. So, there, the dark deed is done. And now I have the rest of my day free and clear.

By John Scalzi

I enjoy pie.

51 replies on “Once Upon a Time Judy Blume’s 401(k) Went Belly Up and George Lucas Wanted to Help”

I’m glad you’re generally well-adjusted, John. Because if you saw to a shrink, you’d cause them to see a shrink, setting off a recursive cycle not unlike the shoe planet Douglas Adams wrote about.

Oh, knock it off with the “eye-bleach” BS, people. Don’t act like this book didn’t resonate with you the first time you read it. When Jar-Jar was humiliated by his gym coach, Boss Nass, and Amidala and her little clique laughed at him at lunch? Are you kidding me!? I cried for two days.

This one changed my life in the fifth grade. I’m not afraid to admit it. Thank you, Geoudy Blucas. And thank you, Scalzi, for the memory.

@12 You’ve touched me, Jeff Hentosz. You really have touched my heart. This is a beautiful childhood memory.

I am still bleaching my eyes, though.

John:

Did you wake up this morning to find that you were suddenly much taller than when you went to bed, were clothed all in black, and breathing through a mask? This book cover is an evil act on par with killing defenseless Jedi babies.

So, when’s the book available on Amazon?

Sean

The only possible revenge is for us to imagine the rest of the book and then post it here, one or two sentences at a time. Picture having to read through all those comments….

I should not stop by during lunch. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes I have indigestion the rest of the day.
Guess which kind of day I’m having now?

I went for a Google to see whether this premise had its roots outside your fevered imagination. No dice, but I came across an amusing-but-worried Garrison Keillor column about the downfall of publishing:

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/opinion/bs-ed-keillor-writing-20100525,0,5036071.story

Hey, it’s not completely a non-sequitur. He mentioned Judy Blume!

See you this weekend, maybe, depending on John’s mood and my sinuses.

Okay – I keep coming back to it.

I look. I hold the contents of my stomach within my body through a truly stunning demonstration of willpower. Shuddering, I quickly close the window – good-bye internet. I contemplate turning the computer completely off just to be sure – but no, I have work to do. I chuckle a bit, because it is pretty funny in retrospect, now that it’s safely out of sight. So I go back to work (doing assorted stuff and some other things) thinking it’s all over … and then … somehow … I can’t help myself… it’s back on my screen again. I have to look…again…and again…

I believe this will probably continue to provide a titillating blend of nausea and amusement for the rest of my week. I may get fired. It might be worth it.

No, no, no. The only suitable revenge (oh, wait, Jedi don’t do revenge!) is to ask John when he’s going to be done with this manuscript at every single public event from here forward.

I have a theory that the same aliens that abducted Michael Jackson also made off with George Lucas. It’s the only possible explanation as to how a man could go from expelling pure magic with every breath to butchering my beloved childhood memories.

Of course, that brings up all sorts of wandering tangents of thought. For some reason 1970s cultural icons seem to resonate with the Overmind…

Are you there, God? It’s mee-sa, Jar-Jar. We’sa movin’ todays. Mee-sa so scared, God. I’sa never live anywheres but this-sa planet. Suppose I’sa hate da new skies? Suppose all they’s creatures there wantsa eat me all up? Please’a help me God. Don’tsa let Tatooine be so horrible. Thanksa.

I can easily forgive the creation of the ridiculous Jar-Jar, because, 1) Han Solo is too cool for words, 2) he wrote the story for the film, Willow, and 3) the best TV show ever, The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones, makes George Lucas dang awesome in my book.

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